


Dark Paradise

by s_aned



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 50
Words: 98,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29024214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_aned/pseuds/s_aned
Summary: ''If he's a serial killer, then what's the worstThat could happen to a girl who's already hurt?I'm already hurt''Aged 8 when the world fell appart, Chloe had to go through a lot to survive in one of these Quarantine Zone set up by FEDRA. When two men find her while she's escaping her persecutors, more than twenty years later, the life they offer her seems too good to be true. But the safety of Jackson's wall appears to be real, and soon she's getting attached to people around here. And to him.¤This is a JoelxOC story, starting in summer 2035. There will be spoiler from TLOU2, so if you haven't played it, I don't recommend to read this.¤Trigger warning are reported at the beginning of each chapter, so you can skip them. It includes : past abusive relationship, mention of rape (non-descriptive),  rude language, drug allusion, suicide allusion. But stay around, because there is also a lot of fluff and tenderness, and some smut./!\ Age gap, OC is ~30, because we all have daddy issues for Joel and I don't even care anymore.
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 146
Kudos: 21





	1. Author's note

This is just a silly story that keep going through my mind, I’ve decided to put it on virtual paper so maybe I’ll move on. It’s really a light-headed book, just to take some pleasure while writing my “real” book.

English isn’t my mother tongue, I’m sorry for the mistakes, don’t hesitate to point it out if you find some sentences a bit wobbly and to give me better way of writing it. I’d take any chance to improve myself.

WARNING: Since it’s not my mother tongue, I’m super bad at writing “natural” dialogues, so please forgive their kinda formal/unnatural way of speaking. I can’t write Texan accent, I wish I could but that’s a part of language writing that’s to subtle for me.

For the music, a lot of Lana Del Rey, basically all Born to Die paradise edition. Some old & sad French songs as well.

  * Nicoletta – Mamy Blue, about a woman who leaves her mother and come back only when to burry her.
  * Dalida – Dans la ville endormie, because Dalida is queen too (next James Bond music by the way).
  * Paul Anka – I don’t like to sleep alone
  * Asaf Avidan – My old pain
  * Janis Joplin – Summer time and Call on Me
  * Nancy Sinatra – Bang
  * Borns – Electric love
  * Dua Lipa – Physical



And I’m gonna stop here, I will put it as it goes in the chapters.

Thanks for reading :) 

P.S. : I love comments don't feel embarassed to spam me with them, even if they're silly, I find they're the best <3


	2. || Part I - 2035 ||

__

||God knows I lived, God knows I died

God knows I loved, God knows I lied

God knows I begged

Begged, borrowed, and cried

And God knows I tried||

_Lana Del Rey - God knows I tried_

_Photo - Tim Mossholder_


	3. “I killed her”

“I killed her”

Her voice whips through the air. The older man turns his head towards the young woman, a frown twisting his face. Did he understood what she meant?

It’s been a few minutes since he arrived on the back porch. The lights were out, but she was there, sitting with her gaze fixed on the mountains or in the void, softly humming to herself a tune he didn't know.

“It’s 2 a.m., why aren’t you sleeping?

\- What about you?”

_Fair enough_. He let out a small sigh before sitting down next to the young woman. He rubbed the back of his neck, his body still tense after a long day of work. Silence had settled in. Not a tense or embarrassed one. If she could be talkative and teasing, she also knew how to savor the comfort of a shared silence. That’s one thing he surely appreciated.

It had been a few weeks since she moved into his home, about one year after he settled in Jackson. At first glance, she seemed like a strange roommate for this fifty-year-old man, as she must have barely left her twenties. But she couldn't stay with Tommy and Maria forever and he had a spare room. Everyone seemed satisfied with the arrangement.

Joel was beginning to enjoy this company, and the good meals that accompanied it. He found it amazing how someone who struggles to eat anything other than soup can enjoy cooking so much. Gradually, a relationship of trust began to take hold. That's why he doesn’t hesitate long before breaking the silence.

“I heard what you said earlier to the girls. Your mom. Tommy and I… We also lost our mom to sickness. She... She got cancer. Before the outbreak. Nasty business.”

She nods but doesn’t add anything. She knows that the man isn’t one to spill about his past. She knows about Sarah, and some bits of his past in Boston QZ. Oh, she doesn’t know much, but enough to understand that he had seen and done things that morality could disapprove of.

And yet, she doesn’t dare to tell him what is on her heart. She’s afraid of his reaction. She’s trying to resist but the words are making their way to her mouth and she’s unable to hold them back, like a sour, uncontrollable bile. It’s too late. It must come out, regardless of his reaction.

“I killed her.”

She hears a rustle, and feel his incomprehension’s look on her. She resumes, turning her head towards him without daring to meet his gaze.

“My… My mom. I killed her.”

She bits her lip, wanting to prevent the tears from falling. She has started now, there is no going back. Might as well tell him everything.

“She… She was sick, real sick. But she kept dying. Most of the time when she was awake, she wasn’t even conscious, her open eyes and her mouth only let out a few inconsistent messages. And she was in pain, she was in excruciating pain. Day and night, she moaned. It was just the two of us. The neighbors would drop me food sometimes. But most of the time, I was alone with her suffering. I would stay day and night by her side, with no more hope of seeing her emerge. But her body was refusing to give up.”

She pauses for a moment, taking a breath before starting again.

“One night, she was finally sleeping. I wasn’t. She seemed so peaceful, so quiet. I thought, _this is it_. _This is how she should be. Just in peace. No more pain_. It was dark in the room, there was no moon that night. So I gave her a kiss before taking a pillow and… I put it on her head. As strong as I could. She didn’t react. I stayed like that for minutes but it felt like hours. I stayed until I felt it… Her last breath.”

Tears are now streaming down her cheeks. She stares into void, pursed lips adding nothing more. She doesn’t know why she told him about it. What would he think of her now?

“How old were you?

-14.”

He lets out an overwhelmed sigh. He already knew she had been through hard times. Heck, who hasn’t in this crazy world? But putting her own mother out of pain, that was something else. He tries to find something to say to ease her.

“You relieved her. QZ life wasn’t easy, she might have suffered for weeks, months even, if you hadn’t done that. You did that out of love. You’re brave.

-No, I’m not. After I did it, I just grabbed my stuff and left. I abandoned her there. God knows how much time it took before someone noticed. It’s probably the smell that alerted the neighbors. I didn’t give her a decent burial, and we both know that FEDRA probably tossed her bodies with all the others, infected or not.

-Why did you leave?”

She doesn’t answer right away. She knows that she will have to tell the full story if she keeps going. But now looks as bad as any other time. The night offers some protection. She lets it go.

“Hmm, I was an orphan. They would have put me in one of those FEDRA institutions. I heard what happened there. All this stories about girls being abused by soldiers or other boarders. I thought I was better to try it on my own.

-How did you survive without being caught?

-My dad. He had a sister in that QZ. We barely knew her, she had fallen out with him and when he died, we cut ties completely. I showed up at her place, and she was kind enough to take me. Oh sure, she treated me like a dog, making me do all the thankless jobs. But at least I had a roof over my head. After a few months she started dating this guy, scumbag but it kept her from being alone, I guess. There was only one room, so most of the time I had to stay in the hallway. But slowly, he started to look at me. Once, she was gone god knows where, he cornered me and told me a whole bunch of stuff a 15-year-old shouldn't hear from a grown-up man. My aunt walked in as he began to slide his hand under my shirt, and of course she got it on me. She beat the crap out of me, before tossing me out of her place. Obviously, she kept all my stuff, ID included. Probably sold it to black market, the bitch. I was left with only the clothes on my back."

She finally looks up at the man, unable to read the expression on his face. Sadness, anger, pity? She had only seen this face once. The day Tommy and he found her, after she killed her captors. It was Joel, she believes, who put a bullet in the head of the last of them. The one who had caught her and was standing over her, his knife stuck in her lower abdomen.

Joel had the same expression than today when, in Jackson's infirmary, she told them that she had been sold to these men, after being forcibly prostituted for months, years maybe, in her previous QZ. She didn't know where they were taking her, but she knew full well that her function would remain the same.

“Is that when?” He leaves his question hanging, but she understands what he means. She shakes her head.

“No. There was this guy I saw from time to time, we flirted with each other. He had managed to set up a junk studio in a building in the slum quarters of the QZ. He let me settle there. Of course, he didn’t ask for a kiss on the cheek in return. I won’t teach you how a 16-year-old boy is like.” She says sarcastically, a slight smirk appearing on her lips. Joel chuckles lightly. Touched. It’s around that age he got his girlfriend pregnant, and with that, got in adulthood prematurely. She goes back to her story.

“He got tired of me eventually, and I felt that soon I would find myself again in the cold streets, at the mercy of the first predator lurking around. But Heaven proved merciful, and I met Talia. She was in her fifties and had quite a temper. She saw me hanging out on the street in the rain and pulled me into a building that looked completely abandoned. She asked me questions, listened to my story without commenting, before opening another door. I discovered that there was a whole other life in this city. Rare alcohol, red armchairs and above all, a stage in the middle of which sat a bar.”

She grins at the surprised look of man.

“Yep Joel. There was a strip club in my QZ. She made me sit, gave me a towel to dry myself and began to explain what was happening there. There was no resistance group like your fireflies in my area. There were small local gang, who greased the military tab to do their little business.

At first, she didn't even want me in the room when the club was open. I was way too young for her liking, she couldn't tolerate me being exposed to men. So I did the housework, some services for the girls, all the little chores behind the scenes. From there I watched them dance and drive all the spectators crazy. Soldiers, small strikes, or average guy, they all drooled and get rid of everything they owned for a look, a caress.

After a year, I was entitled to serve at the bar. But just at the bar, I was forbidden to pass in the aisles. It was the girls' work. Talia was tough but she took good care of all of us. We were like family. When the club was closed, we laughed a lot. It was a good time.”

She ends her story with a sigh, before taking a sip of her infusion, now cold. She grimaces. She would have liked it to be whiskey. She still has plenty to talk about, but she's not sure she has the strength for it. The older man must feel it, because he doesn't ask any more questions.

She's already released a big chunk tonight. And what is yet to come is not the happiest. Above all, she is afraid of his reaction. For the moment, he believes she was an innocent victim, captured by ill-intentioned men. But she's not quite sure. She often wondered if she hadn't been responsible for all of this. So she keeps quiet and lets the silence of the night engulf her.

There is nothing more to say, and yet none of them moves. It’s only when a gust of wind makes her shiver that Joel straightens up and speaks in a firm but gentle tone she now knows by heart.

“Let’s go inside. You have to try to sleep.”


	4. Escape or die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: some rude language here, can be uncomfortable to read.

The man stops to wipe his sweaty forehead. The air runs out on this hot summer day. Not the slightest breeze blows in this undergrowth they have been roaming for hours. His brother catches up with him, patting him patronizingly on the shoulder.

“Slowing down old man?

-I’m not old, I’m just hot. Hey, stop laughing little brother, you’ll soon understand my pain.

-By then you will be getting older again, so I will always be more dashing than you.

-Ssh

-What, it’s the truth!

-No, look up there.”

The elder cocks his rifle, ready to fire. To his right, a man is slumped against a tree, his throat pierced by a knife. They continue to advance, discovering a car and four more bodies spread out over a few dozen meters. All shot down. All armed.

“Jesus, what happened there.

\- I don’t care. Fucking hunters.”

The younger doesn’t have the time to make an ironic comment on his brother's words, as screams are heard. He nods to his elder. They have to take a look. Joel sighs. Why Tommy always wants to help those who pass by? Yet he follows him. His place, his rules.

The screams have stopped, but they know they’re getting closer. As they approach a clearing, they take cover to assess the unexpected situation that unfolds there. In front of them, a woman is lying, a man trapping her between his legs, his hand keeping a knife stuck in her lower abdomen. All they can hear is her moans of pain and the man's deep, threatening voice.

She clenches her teeth. The knife tears her flesh, and she tries to move as little as possible. She knows that the moment this dog takes it away, she’ll be bleeding dangerously. He might kill her. But not without using her first. He makes it clear with his flood of obscene words. Nothing she hasn’t heard a hundred, maybe a thousand, times before. Men are incredibly commonplace when it comes to talking to women like her. She holds his gaze. She must show him that she’s not afraid. What he wants to do to her is nothing she hasn't known before.

Suddenly a thud, creaking bones and the man collapsing with all his weight on top of her, driving the blade deeper into her. She ignores the hot liquid now flowing over her and turns her head. A few meters away are two men.

The older one approaches, pushing her assailant out of her body with his foot, but keeping his aim on her. She puts her hands up and a laugh escapes her throat. _How lucky_. She barely got rid of these men that she’s already at the mercy of others.

“Who the fuck are you?”

His deep voice makes her tremble. She quickly regains her composure, ignoring the throbbing pain that twists her stomach. She sighs before speaking in a detached voice.

“Does it matter for what you have to do?”

The two men exchange a look of incomprehension. They were used to infected, to hunters who looked a little too closely at Jackson. They would occasionally help lost travelers. But this situation was unprecedented to them.

“Did you shoot all these men back there?”

This time it was the younger one who had spoken, his gun already slightly lowered. She doesn't answer, too absorbed by the other's gaze on her body. He frowns. He has just realized that the young woman at the end of his gun wears no shoes or pants. Her legs show signs of recent and older scars. He tries to understand.

“Where were you going like that?

-No idea. I clearly wasn’t there for strategic guidance.”

They keep asking her questions, but all she can think of is the number of men waiting for these two, and the thrill of joy that would run through them all when they’ll see them bring her back. God knows since when they haven't seen a woman.

 _Shit, this will never stop_. _Just open your pants already, so we get rid of it_.

The blonde man walks over to her.

“You’re not armed, I guess?

-Except for the knife in my stomach you mean?

-I’m going to take it off. My brother is kinda quick with the trigger, so don’t try anything stupid ok?”

She bits her lower lips and turns her head away. She moans as the blade slowly comes out. Tears begin to bead down her cheeks as she feels herself leaving, the man's hands resting firmly on her wound to stop the blood flowing. She’s about to pass out, maybe about to lose her life. At the thought, a slight smile appears on her lips. _Thank you_.

\--------------------

Her eyelids open slowly, trying to get used to the light bathing the room. She sits up suddenly, realizing she doesn't know the place. But the gesture makes her cry out in pain and she falls back with all her weight on the cold examination table. _Shit_ , _I’m not dead_.

“Hey slow down.” A blonde woman walks up to her, resting her hand on her shoulder. She looks reassuring, but it has been a long time since the young woman learned not to trust appearances.

“I’m Maria, I’m in charge here. You lost quite a lot of blood, but you’re safe now. Just lay back and rest. We’ll talk when you wake up.”

She would like to protest, to say something, but her body is exhausted. She falls into darkness.

\--------

When she wakes up, the blonde is still there. _She looked after me all this time?_

Maria approaches and gives her a glass of water, before asking some questions about her condition. Someone knocks on the door before entering. It’s the two men who found her. 

“You’ve met Tommy and Joel.”

The injured woman gives them a slight nod. Her body tensed when they arrived. _Is now the time_? They fixed her up and now they come to get their due? Ignoring the young woman's discomfort, Maria continues.

“So, can you tell us more about you? They told me you killed some men out there. Who were they?”

The young woman doesn’t respond immediately, her gaze still blocked in the direction of the two men.

“They can get out if you want.

-No, they’ve seen most of it anyway.”

She takes a deep breath and starts.

“I don’t know who they are, or where they came from. They came to my QZ to make some trade and they bought me.

-Why would they buy you?

-Don’t play the innocent. To be a cum dump. My old owners probably thought I wasn’t fresh enough anymore for their customers and found some suckers to buy me.”

They stay looking at her, dumbfounded. _Maybe they’re different after all_. Maybe they didn't bring her back to treat her the same as everyone else did. She looks away. She must not delude herself, she must not hope for a different future. The older man is the first to speak.

“How did you manage to get rid of all these men?

-The leader of the troop. He didn't want to wait any longer, he wanted to test the new toy. So he took me aside to do his little business. But the idiot had left his knife within reach. So I tried my luck and I won. I stole his gun and walked away. I was hoping I could get away before the others noticed, but they were too quick. So I fired. I had almost all of them. I was almost out of there when this pig managed to grab me and stabbed me with his knife. And then you arrived”

She falls silent and lies down completely, fixing her gaze on the ceiling. She doesn't want to talk anymore. For what it will change. She knows very well what's going to happen, it's always the same story. They will throw her away or use her. Probably even both. So what’s the point of pouring out. She feels tired, but she can't give up now. Her body must resist. Maria ends up breaking the silence.

“Well, you’re welcome to stay here. We’ll find you a place to stay and some occupation. But we’ll never treat you like those men. You’re safe here. So now you need to rest and regain strength.”

With a nod, she invites the two men to leave the room. She really seems to be in charge. _You’re safe here_. She heard that before. In his mouth. His stupid and beautiful mouth. And time proved him wrong. It wasn’t his fault, she guesses. No one is really safe in this world.

\----

Sitting on the bed, she observes the surroundings. Her own room, what a weird feeling. She never had one, other than the one when she was a baby, of course, before the pandemic. In the QZ, she shared the night alcove with her mother. Sometimes she would sleep on the sofa. But it was not the same.

She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to store all the information. Maria had returned to pick her up, providing her with a new outfit. She assured her that as soon as she’s better, they would go and find her more clothes to her liking. The two women had walked to Maria and Tommy’s house, not far from the infirmary. It had given her a glimpse of the city from afar. It seemed animated. But in a different way than the QZ. No soldiers, no cold concrete walls. Only wood, people chatting and children playing innocently. Is it possible that such a place still exists?

The older woman promises to pay her a full visit in the days to come. She enumerates the different occupations of the city. The farm, the shops, the patrols. The newcomer tries to remember everything, but her brain is too exhausted for that. It’s been too long since anyone made her the conversation.

The fatigue must have been visible on her face, for she had no trouble convincing her hosts to let her up to bed, just minutes after arriving home. From the entrance she could smell the food being prepared, and it already made her heart beat. She knew she couldn't avoid this sensitive subject for long. But at least for tonight she was out of trouble.

Without making a sound, she gets up and opens the cupboards. In the first is a large safe. To store weapons, probably. In the next one, she spots a box. After a brief hesitation, she lifts the lid. She finds some stuffed animals and baby bodysuits. Yet she did not see any trace of children. Maybe they are already old? But why keep this then? Maria doesn't seem the kind of woman to keep what she doesn't need. She closes the box before lying down. It is none of her business after all.

Her body is exhausted, but her brain refuses to give her that peace. She knows that as soon as she closed her eyes, her sleep would be filled with nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shitty writing, thank you for reading anyway <3


	5. Ice cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: eating disorder, physical/psychological violence, sexual allusion.

She clenches her fists on her legs, trying to resist the overwhelming urge to vomit that grippes her stomach. Tommy and Maria don't seem to notice, quietly discussing about their day. Her plate is steaming under her nose, the smell of the different foods adding to her ordeal. Tommy turns to her.

“You don’t eat?

-It’s still a bit hot for my taste. But it smells good” She lies.

“Great. You’ll see, Maria is a great cook.

-No I’m not, you’re just still comparing it to what you were used to in QZ.”

She smiles as she listens to the couple bickering tenderly. She remembers the rationed food well, when there was any. Of course, Talia always found a way to make it better. Him, he wasn't a great cook, but he always found wonderful things to treat her. As for them... They were the ones who robbed her of the taste of food.

Since she arrived two days ago, she found all kinds of parades to avoid being at the table with her hosts. Managing the day was easy, as they’re both working. All she has to do is to hide the food Maria left for her and pretend to have eaten it. At the end of the afternoon, she lies down and pretends to sleep soundly when the blonde comes upstairs to check on her.

But today, she hasn’t managed to escape it. This time, she was really asleep when Maria woke her up. It was always easier to sleep during the day. When she comes out of her nightmares, light is flooding the room, chasing away any fear of still being back there. She came downstairs and already the smell of cooking lifted her heart. But she put on a good face and sat down with Tommy in the living room to chit chat.

Now she’s facing this full plate. She no longer has a choice. Maybe it will be okay. She takes a bite, observes it, inhales discreetly and opens her mouth. She chews, chews again, but the food doesn’t want to dissolve. It remains conglomerated into a disgusting lump in her mouth, banging between her tongue and her palate, endlessly pushed back by one or the other without wanting to descend into her. She finally manages to swallow it, a grimace twisting her face as she feels her throat tighten over this intruder sliding down to her stomach.

“You ok?” Tommy asks.

She doesn’t answer and hurriedly gets up to go to the bathroom. Head over the toilet, she spits out what little she has inside. Her body is shaken with spasms as a dark bile rises, burning everything in its path. When it's finally over, she sits up and rinses her mouth. She meets Tommy's worried gaze in the mirror.

“You want to take some fresh air?”

She nods and follows the man outside. Barely out, the gentle breeze of this late summer day makes her feel good. The man sits on the steps, admiring the greenery in front of him. She approaches to sit next to him. He tries to lighten the mood.

“You have to excuse Maria. She has many qualities but is unable to stand next to someone who vomits. It makes her sick immediately. Hey, she needs to have some flaws, she would be perfect otherwise, it wouldn't be fair.”

She smiles slightly at this remark. Silence slowly settles in as she focuses on her breathing, returning to normal. The nausea seems to have subsided as well.

“So… You’ve trouble eating? I guess it’s been a long time since you got that much food in front of you. I remember in Boston, we had ration tickets, but no food was delivered. It was a mess. When Joel and Ellie arrived here, they would eat as if they were three. I swear, they must have gained a pound per meal for the first few weeks.”

His laugh is infectious, and she can't hold back a chuckle. She looks at the man out of the corner of her eye. She still doesn’t know him much, but she has been able to observe him in his daily life. He seemed like a real good man, a thing she had never met before. He really cared about everyone, starting with his wife. These two really loved each other, she had no doubts about that.

A kind of love she hadn't seen in a long time. Since her parents. One of the few memories she had from before the pandemic was them dancing in the kitchen as her mother cooked the meal. Tommy and Maria reminded her of them. She should probably remain suspicious, but she wants to trust him. To let her guard down for once. So without thinking, she decides to confide.

“They… They would deprive us from food. We only had very light broth, which might have seen a few vegetables and a piece of meat before it was strained, who knows. It didn't really have a taste. It was just enough to keep us alive. And weak. So we wouldn’t have the strength to revolt. But they had to deal with another problem. Even though clients were mainly there to relieve themselves, they didn’t want to treat with walking skeletons. So every once in a while, we were forced to swallow abject mixtures. Probably leftovers from their dogs’ meals. Often, it was an old, stale piece of bread with a bit of meat fat on top. It was inedible. They went around the cells to drop off our meal. They would come back five minutes later, and if we hadn't finished, they would enter to “help” us. One of them would hold us while the other forced us to chew. Sometimes they pinched our noses at the same time. I never really understood why. How could choking us have made us swallow faster? It was just one more way to have fun with us, I guess.”

She stops there. She has probably said too much already.

“Jesus Christ.” That's all the man can say at this disturbing confession. “How often would it happen?

-I don’t know. We were in individual cells, no light, no clock. It was difficult to find your way back in time. There wasn't much of a routine. They were doing this on purpose I guess, to keep us more diminished and to prevent rebellions. I would ask clients for the date and hour every now and then, but it didn't really help me much.”

They remain in silence. She knows she must give him time to digest this information. Maybe she shouldn't have given so many details. She could have just said that she was not used to food anymore. She felt a bit guilty now for having placed a little of her burden on the one who had welcomed her into his house. He finally emerges.

“Well. We won't force you to eat. But you can't stay hungry forever. You need to gain strength. Is there anything you think you can manage to eat, even in small quantity?"

She thinks for a moment. She knows he's right, and despite her recent rejections, she's starting to feel the hunger.

“Soup maybe. Or very liquid mash. Just anything that slides easily.

-What about ice cream?

-You have ice cream ?!”

The man smiles mischievously and gestures for her not to move before disappearing inside the house. A few moments later he comes back, a box in his hands. He opens the lid and shows her the contents, proud of himself.

“Strawberry ice cream. It is a neighbor who does it. You can finish it, we have already eaten a lot.”

Slowly, she slips her spoon into the creamy contents that have already started to soften. Just the sound of the ice on the metal gives her satisfaction. She finally tastes this rare dish in this post-apocalyptic world. She closes her eyes, savoring the sweet taste that is already dissolving on her taste buds. She opens them again to look at Tommy, a grateful smile on her lips.

“It is delicious. I don't know since when I haven't had one.”

This is a lie. She perfectly remembers the last time. It was at his place.

\------------------------

Lana Del Rey – Million Dollar Man

_It was unbelievably hot that afternoon. As if nature, not content with having confined them to these concrete buildings, had decided to add to their pain. She tries to move as little as possible, lying casually on cushions on the floor, wearing only black lace panties and a light t-shirt. A CD of Lana del Rey plays in the background. Million Dollar man. She knows the words by heart but never gets tired of listening to it. She finds it crazy that a song written twenty years before could match him so much. The door opens and here he is. She doesn't ask him where he's coming from like that, hours after leaving her. It's been a long time since she learned not to question him about his activities._

_“I brought back a treat._

_-Pot?_

_-Better, Babe.”_

_He takes his clothes off before lying down next to her, wearing only his faded boxers. He kisses her passionately before moving down her jaw, down her neck, down her breasts. She pushes him away, laughing._

_“Wait, what about the treat?_

_-I thought you liked those kinds of treats too?_

_-Yeah, but you got me curious._

_-Right. It’s better in this order anyway.”_

_She sits up on her elbows, intrigued. He searches his bag before turning around, looking victorious._

_“A… box?”_

_He laughs before opening it. Inside, she has no doubts, it's ice cream. She hasn't seen one in years._

_“Where the hell did you find that?!_

_-I’m a man of power, don’t you forget. Why don’t you get up to fetch us some spoons?”_

_She looks with a pout at the drawer where they are stored. The heat makes her feel like it’s miles away. So she has a better idea. She gently grabs her lover's hand and guides his finger through the already melting cream. He lets her do it, his eternal smirk on the face. She brings that finger to her mouth, tasting the sweetness of sugar while giving her man a suggestive look. He shakes his head, already turned on._

_“You naughty girl”_

If you're goin' crazy, just grab me and take me  
I'd follow you down, down, down  
Anywhere, anywhere


	6. My baby shot me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: physical/psychological violence, trauma, drug allusion.

It has been now several weeks since the young woman had arrived in Jackson. And although she still remained reserved, she seemed to get used to this new life. She had started working in the greenhouses, where, despite her inexperience, her perseverance and hard work had been recognized and complimented.

That night, she and Tommy were invited to Joel's for a movie night. Not a dinner. If she now ate at almost every meal, she mostly contented herself with half a bowl of soup, and didn't feel comfortable at the idea of being at the table with other people than Maria and Tommy. With her approval, they had brought Joel up to date. He was part of their daily life, warning him helped avoid embarrassing questions to the young woman.

Alone in her host's kitchen, she poured herself a glass of water, vaguely hearing the lively discussions taking place in the living room. Clumsily, she drops her glass which explodes on the ground. Hurriedly, she knelt down to pick up the pieces without caution, the glass digging into her skin. Quick footsteps approach and suddenly the owner of the premises is there, towering above her. In a movement of panic she crawls back and protects herself with her arms.

“Wo, wo.”

Shocked by this reaction, Joel takes a few steps back and crouches down, keeping his hands open in front of him. He doesn't move, wanting to prove to her that he poses no threat. He speaks to her softly.

“It’s ok, it’s ok. I won’t hurt you.”

Her chest heaves erratically, panic still in control of her body.

“I’m sorry, I...

-It’s ok.”

She manages to stammer, gradually regaining control over her breathing. She knows she's safe, but she can't stop her old reflexes from surfacing. In the other room, you can still hear Tommy and Ellie talking and laughing. Joel is glad they’re staying there. She doesn’t need spectators, even benevolent ones. When she seems a little calmer, he slowly approaches.

“Let me see your hand.”

She looks up at him in incomprehension before lowering her eyes to her skin, bleeding from squeezing the broken glass in a fear reflex. He gently holds her hand to observe the wounds

“Can you get up?”

She nods and straightens her legs, ignoring the glass hanging from her jeans. He takes her hand slowly to slide it under the trickle of water from the tap. He wants to be sure that all the debris escapes from the wounds.

“I’m sorry about the glass.

-Meh, it’s ok. We still have plenty of them, here and in the houses around Jackson.”

Silence falls, both absorbed by the movement of water on the skin. In a somewhat absent voice, she speaks her mind.

“Do you think there is still someone out there knowing how to do them?

-Probably, somewhere.

-I… I wonder what will happen when we won’t be able to find things around. When we will have broken the last of the glass. Then what?

-We’ll adapt, like we always do.

-But we’d have lost all this knowledge.”

He watches her sad gaze for a moment. Of all the things that could have caused her grief, he hadn't thought that a broken glass could have been one. He tries to find something comforting to say to her.

“If we found how to do it once, we’ll find it again. Humans are great at inventing stuff. Maybe we’ll find something even better. You shouldn’t worry too much about that.”

She smiles slightly as he dries her hand with a clean towel. The bleeding has stopped, she will only feel a slight tightness for a day or two.

“You’re ready to go back?”

She nods and follows him, only to find Ellie and Tommy having a deep conversation about another movie, it seems. She settles down next to the teen on the couch, while Tommy takes a seat by his brother. The two men tease each other on silly subject, lightening the mood.

“Wait Joel, we’re forgetting the most important!”

The teenager gets up hastily, disappearing from the room only to return a few moments later with a large bowl. The young woman observes its content. White and yellow balls. She frowns. Ellie sees it.

“Popcorn, don't you know it? It's super good, have a taste.”

The two men tensed slightly. The girl doesn’t know about the troubles of the older one. But she doesn’t back down and decides to taste it. Such a small piece like shouldn't hurt her. She lets the taste take hold of her mouth satisfactorily. Not bad. Throughout the movie, she pecks at the bowl without even knowing. A gesture that doesn’t go unnoticed by the Miller brothers, who exchange a satisfied look.

\---

The days continue to pass, she continues to integrate, to find a normal life. She gained a little weight, her cheeks took on color. She laughs sometimes. When she has free time, she devours the books at Tommy and Maria's house. He's worried, at this rate, she'll have read everything in Jackson by the end of the year. She rolls her eyes with a slight smile, knowing full well that he is exaggerating.

The Miller brothers talk about her sometimes. Joel checks in, offers Tommy help. He cares about the young woman's sake. This isn't the first time he's brought someone back from one of his patrols. But shotting down her attacker wove a certain connection to her, he guesses.

That night, her coworkers dragged her to the bar. Glass in hand, she discusses everything and nothing, listening to the music and the merry hubbub of the crowd.

“What, you have good whiskey around here?” She questions Garry incredulously. Until now, she had been drinking only beer or cider, spirits that were easily made with the city's resources.

“Yeah. But you have to deserve it.

-Oh really, by doing what? Going on patrol?

-Nah. We have a custom. Newcomers have to sing a song. Only after this they’re one of us and can have the premium stuff.”

The others giggle, and she suspects he's leading her away. But after all, it’s just a song. She accepts. With a satisfied smile, he takes her hand and makes her climb onto a wooden crate lying there. All eyes are on her now and the music has been cut. But she needs more to be intimidated. The only thing that comes to her mind is an old song that her mother would sometimes sing.

Nancy Sinatra – Bang Bang

She closes her eyes and after a moment, she lets her voice take control of her body. Slowly, in a lower tone than they know her, she unfolds verses and choruses. Not a sound is heard in the room. Only her and that strange love song.

Now he's gone, I don't know why  
Until this day, sometimes I cry  
He didn't even say goodbye  
He didn't take the time to lie

Bang-bang, he shot me down  
Bang-bang, I hit the ground  
Bang-bang, that awful sound

My baby shot me down

\-----

_The door slams shut and startles her as she was focused on applying her polish. He enters. He’s agitated, angry even. Is he under the influence of some drugs found she does not know where? She questions him but all she gets in return are screams._

_“It’s you, right?_

_-What?_

_-It's you... Betrayed by my own bitch, damn. I shouldn't be surprised. ‘should never trust whores. I had been warned. I'm so stupid.”_

_She's shaking. Her lover's eyes are red with anger. He had never called her a whore before. He had even beaten the face of a guy who had watched her a little too long, aware of her past. Coming out of her torpor, she finally manages to speak._

_“What are you talking about. Please babe, I understand nothing. Explain to me._

_-_ _I can't even watch you, you fucking disgust me._

_-I don’t get it._

_-_ _YOU ARE A BITCH, A FUCKING WHORE, I’M GOING TO BLOW YOUR FACE”_

_He looks at her now, his face twisted with hatred, his gaze dark and terrifying. He doesn't wait another second and points his gun at her. Her eyes widened to see the weapon turned in her direction. She has known violence before, he has already treated her badly. But she had never come face to face with the black hole of a cannon._

_A gunshot rips the air._

_She falls to her knees, curls up on herself. Her beathing short and choppy. She looks at her hands, white. He shot aside. He didn't touch her. He couldn’t. On the wall, a still smoking hole._

_She remains on the ground, her body convulsing in shock, streams of tears flooding her face. He lowers his gun and walks out of the room without a glance for her. With her distress, she remains alone._

\-----

Lana Del Rey - Carmen

The applause takes her from her memory. She sketches a slight smile. She’s about to climb down her improvised scene but Garry stops her.

“Sing us something else!

-You said one song

-Yeah but I didn’t know you could sing like that.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Joel approaching to end this little game. She hadn't noticed he was there. Tommy is behind, looking as concerned as his brother. They care about her, she’s sure of that now. She gives the elder a discreet hand gesture that stops him immediately. Everything is fine. She can manage.

“Just one. And after you better give me some good shit.

-That’s a deal.”

She inspires. She doesn't have to think long and hard about what song she wants to sing to them. Her deep voice resumes, a little hoarse after all this time without having used it that way.

Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem  
Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top shelf  
It's alarming, honestly how charming she can be  
Fooling everyone, telling Hum she's having fun

She says, "you don't want to be like me  
Don't wanna see all the things I've seen"  
I'm dying, I'm dying

…

Carmen, Carmen, staying up 'til morning  
Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean  
It's alarming, truly, how disarming you can be

Joel can't take his eyes off the young woman. It takes him back years. He remembers the radio always playing on construction sites. Not an hour went by without hearing a Lana del Rey hit. He had never really listened to this singer, he didn't care much about her music. But now, her words took on meaning, interpreted by this newcomer in his life. She’s beaming, standing in front of everyone.

That's the little story of the girl you know  
Relying on the kindness of strangers  
Tyin' cherry knots, smilin', doin' party favors  
Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on  
Sing your song, song, now, the camera's on  
And you're alive again

Her gaze turns to the Miller brothers as her song comes to an end. Only they can understand how much this song is about her.

Buy her tonight, she's still shining  
Like lightning, oh, like lightning

Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem  
Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top shelf

Without a glance at the crowd, she climbs down from her pedestal and walks over to Garry, taking the glass he’s holding in his hand. She empties it in one go before greeting her companions and leaving the premises. She has had enough socialization for the day, she wants to find back the protective calm of the house. In a corner of the bar, Tommy speaks after a slight blank between the two brothers.

“Well, she knows how to sing.

-She sure does. I'll walk her to your place. Enjoy your drink.”

He drinks his own glass straight before leaving. Without difficulty, he catches up with her. She smiles at him and accepts him to join on her way home. She doesn't know him as well as his brother, but she enjoys his company. Between movie nights and the day they spent together to strengthen the rampart, she gradually learned to discover this man so often taciturn.

“By the way, how do you know Lana Del Rey?

-If someone with my past doesn’t know her, who would?”

He chuckles. That’s a fair point. He greets back some residents they meet on the road. He has integrated quite well into this community, thanks to his brother and Maria of course. But also thanks to his work. Between the patrol and his talents as a carpenter, he had quickly become useful for everyone.

“It’s a beautiful evening.” She comments, looking up at the sky, filling in the silence that had settled between them. He follows her gaze and nods.

“We should have a nice day tomorrow.”

He sighs inwardly. He would have liked to have something more interesting to say than the weather. But she doesn’t seem to mind. Arrived at his brother's, they say goodbye on the porch. She smiles, but he is unsettled by her gaze. Sad. Resigned. A look he had seen far too often. His own reflection in the mirror.

She closes the door behind her. The house is immersed in silence. Tommy is at the bar, Maria must still be organizing this or that detail of the life of the community. Silently, adjusting to the ambiance of the house, she slips into her bedroom.

It's almost dark now, but she doesn't turn on the light. She opens the closets, thinking of changing for more comfortable clothes. But it's the safe that her hand reaches. She's seen Tommy doing the code before and has subconsciously retained it. The door opens without difficulty under her fingers to reveals its secrets. With an impassive face, she grabs a revolver.

Bang Bang


	7. “I’m sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suicide attempt, allusion to sexual abuse, abusive relationship. (I spare nothing to this character, do I?)

Strong knocks on the man's door. He gets up, annoyed. Who can go after his door like that? He had barely returned home after walking the young woman to Tommy’s. All he wanted now was to play guitar and go to bed. No matter what drama his visitor brought in, he didn't want to deal with it.

But when he opens his door, he changes his mind. His brother is there, breathless and obviously worried.

“Have you seen Chloe?

-Not since I left her at your place, why?

-She left this… and took one of my guns.”

Joel's face freezes as he reads the few scribbled words. _I'm sorry_. Without taking the time to think about it, he grabs his jacket and walks out. They decide to split up to cover more territory. Jackson is not that big, and she couldn't leave the walls. The guards would never let out anyone who had never been on patrol.

But there are so many corners, so many deserted places at this hour. It wouldn't take long for her to act. One finger curl and it will be over. Joel can't help but curse himself. He was with her, they had talked, and he had seen nothing. How could he have been so blind. Her songs. Her stare. He must find her.

Maybe they should have warned more people, they would have found her faster. But Maria didn't want it. For Chloe it would be worse, that everyone knows. The leader was just going to ask to a few trusted people to search with them, without letting them know the gravity of the situation.

The minutes pass, each as long as hours. He is feverish. He has to find her. Suddenly a conversation comes back to his mind and he turns around. _Please, be there_.

\----------

_Someone is banging on the door, obviously upset. Quickly, Talia’s voice is heard._

_"Cyril open that fucking door! Chloe! Chloe!"_

_The young woman runs to open the door to the one who for all these years has served as a mother figure for her. No sooner has she passed the door than the girl falls into her arms. She tightens her embrace as she observes the scene, her gaze falling quickly on the hole in the wall. No doubt, a bullet has been fired. Torn up by sobs, Chloe tries to tell her what happened, although she still doesn't understand it herself._

_So, the matron starts to explain what she knows. Earlier in the day, Cyril's henchmen disembarked at the club and turned everything around, questioning the girls bluntly. Apparently, they had a revert. A big attack on the business. They think their enemies have infiltrated the club and that someone has spoken._

_The door opens again, here he comes. He chuckles when he sees that Talia is present. He should have known. The manager of his club always had a soft spot for his mistress._

_"She didn't do anything Cyril. You barely let her out, and when she comes at the club you always have one of you man with her._

_-Yeah, to protect her. There are bad men out there, you should know that Talia._

_-So why do you treat her like she’s guilty. You know she doesn’t know a fucking thing about the business. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t speak.”_

_He sighs, pouring himself a glass of liquor. He plays with the liquid before bringing it to his mouth. A defiant look in his eyes as he fathoms the older woman._

_“It's not her but it's indeed one of your whores Talia.”_

_The woman tensed. That's what she had feared. In a voice quivering with anger, she asks the fateful question._

_“Who?_

_-Carlie. It seems she was seeing that guy, one of Brad’s lieutenants._

_-The bitch_

_-Yeah. She won’t be a problem anymore._

_-You killed her?_

_-No, I fucking took her for a walk. What do you think Talia?” He abruptly puts down his glass. “Let us now. Try not to mess up with my club while I’m here.”_

_She stands still, holding Chloe's hand in hers, too worried about what might happen to her._

_"Talia, I'm not kidding, let us._

_-It's ok Talia. I'll see you later." The young woman whispers, too worried about the tone of her lover's voice. The other reluctantly obeys, giving her protégé one last look before closing the door behind her._

_Chloe remains standing, not daring to move for fear of triggering something in the man. Deep inside, she is terrified. She had always known he was a powerful, violent man. It was probably one of the things that attracted her at first. But she never thought it could backfire on her. The summertime was long gone._

_He remains silent and goes through his things. After a few minutes, he speaks, as if he had just realized that she was standing there, motionless. He tells her to lie down and she does so without protesting._

_After a few more moments of looking at his things, he approaches without really looking at her. The bed sags under his weight as he frames her with his knees. He's towering her now, and a chill takes hold of the young woman._

_He kisses her and for a moment,  
She finds in his eyes a spark of tenderness._

_But he begins to undress her impatiently, without passion or interest for her pleasure. Without bothering to take off his own clothes, he gets inside her. He uses her to release his stress and anger. And she lets him._

_Rag doll._

_When he's done, he kisses her forehead and leaves, telling her that he still has a few things to sort out and that he'll be home late. She, won’t move. She remains lying in the same position and ends up falling asleep, crying silently. When she wakes up, she’s in his arms. As if nothing had happened._

\---------

He approaches the place he has in mind, continuing his inner litany. _Please be there_. _Please be there_. It's dark now. He sighs as he can’t see her. He messed up. He’s about to leave when he hears familiar clicks. He opens the paddock, stroking the horses so they will let him through. In the background, a seated figure. He slowly approaches.

Between her bent knees, her hand points the gun to the ground. She plays with the weapon hammer, slowly pulling it up before letting it go. Click. Click. Click. There is something reassuring about this repetitive, almost obsessive gesture. She heard the gate creaking but she doesn't dare look up. She doesn't want to discover yet who found her.

The steps are approaching, and she must resign herself. She straightens her head. A slight sigh of relief escapes her. For some reason she can't explain herself, she's glad that’s Joel.

“Can I get closer?”

She nods. Slowly, he comes to sit next to her, sighing as he leans his back against the fence. It’s certainly not the way he had imagined his night. Silence sets in. The young woman is destabilized. If it had been Tommy, he would have asked a thousand questions, trying to reassure her. Maria would surely have lectured her before hugging her and telling her she was needed. But Joel… She doesn’t know. He just stays by her side, not even trying to take back the weapon she has stopped playing with. His gaze seems absorbed by the horses a few feet away from them.

She does the same and eases herself into this mood. There is something reassuring and comfortable about being silent together. If she knew him better, she probably would have rested her head on his shoulder. Just to take a little more of this human warmth. A wave of emotion takes hold of her and she begins to cry. Silently, tears flow, her body shaken with slight spasms.

Joel still doesn't move, letting her come to terms with her emotions. This is the signal he has been waiting for. That she gets out of her daze to realize what just happened. The same process he had gone through many years ago.

“I’m sorry…” She stammers through her tears.

“It’s ok… Take your time.”

He keeps his gaze away. He doesn’t want to carry a burden on the young woman with too strong a presence. It's too early. It’s up to her to come to him. As he feels her crying lessening, he tries to relax the atmosphere a bit.

“Do you think the horses have noticed we’re here? I thought they’ll be all over us by now.

-Aren't you confusing them with dogs?”

He chuckles. “Maybe yes.”

He doesn’t say anything more. He knows she took the bait. It wouldn't take long before she finally dared to relief her heart.

“I didn’t know where else to come. I’d rather have left the town, but I knew Maria would have been there before I could finish my sentence… I couldn’t do that at their place, it would have been too horrible… But then, anywhere in town would be awful. For the one finding me, I mean.”

He waits a bit before questioning her.

“Is it because of what happened at the bar?”

She looks up at him before lowering her eyes, shaking her head. No, she couldn't blame Garry or anyone. She could have refused. Or choose other songs. She had put herself in this situation.

Joel takes the opportunity to take a closer look at her. How could he not have seen the large dark circles that adorned her face? Had he been too distracted by her apparent smile? Too absorbed in his own thoughts?

“If I'm being honest, I’m not even sure I can tell you why. I don't have a good explanation of it. It just... hurts too much, I guess. Living a normal life like nothing else had happened before. Like not one of my memories was worth something. I don’t know how to explain. It’s just a weight too hard to bear. I'm a fucking coward

-No... No you ain’t. It's not easy. Pulling the trigger or renouncing. None of this is easy.”

The end of his sentence is almost inaudible. She looks up at him, questioning.

"Did you...

-Yeah. Long time ago. I... Let's say I lost someone dear because of that shit and... I wanted the pain to end, just like you. But I couldn't. Survival instinct, I guess.

-Does it ever get easier?" She dares asking after a few minutes.

He doesn't answer right away, taking the time to think. He doesn't know if he even has an answer for that question. It's the kind of thing he avoids thinking about.

"I don’t know if it’s easier. No matter the time passed, we never forget. But you get use to it, and eventually the pain drop. I haven't been here that long, but Jackson, that project, that way of life. It gives sense to all of it. To the past, to the suffering. We can recreate a world with less of them. A life different from the QZ or the wild towns. We have this chance to rebuild a better world, on our scale. It's up to us not to waste it."

She nods, a few tears still streaming down her cheeks. Slowly he opens the palm of his hand. She still hesitates a little, before giving up and handing him the weapon. He takes out the ammunition before slipping the gun in his belt. She closes her arms around her legs and rests her head on her knees, staring into space.

"What now?

-We could start by find a better place to hang out than in the middle of horses dung.”

She nods with a faint smile. He stands up before reaching out to help her do the same. He begins to move forward but feels that she is staying behind. He turns around, silently questioning her.

“Do... Do I have to go back to Tommy's?

-Is there something I should know? Is something wrong there?

-No, quite the opposite."

She stops talking. A knot formed in her throat. Guilt. They've never been anything else than patient and kind. _And that's how I thank them_.

“I… I just don’t feel like going back. I don’t think I can face them tonight. You know. Having to talk and talk over.”

He nods. He knows the couple will be nothing but nice to her. A benevolence that could prove to be counterproductive. Another weight on the shoulders of the young woman.

“Ok. Come to my place and we’ll figure it out.”

  
\-------

Leaning on the kitchen island, she watches the curls of steam rising from the tea Joel just made for her. They don't say much, regaining that comfortable silence they both enjoys so much.

She jumps as the backdoor opens. Ellie enters, cheerfully greeting Chloe who is trying to put on a good face. Joel takes the opportunity to give the teenager a mission. He should have done it already, as his brother must still be worried sick, but he didn't want to leave the young woman alone.

“Oh Ellie, could you go see Maria and tell her I’ve found what she was looking for.

-Why don’t you go? You’re getting lazy Joel.

-If you hadn’t noticed, I’ve a guest.

-Can’t it wait tomorrow morning?

-Ellie! Please, do it.” His voice had been a bit harsher than he intended. The teenager couldn't know what was going on, she wasn’t to blame.

“Ok ok, I go, geez, you need to relax. But don’t complain if we’re going to bed late after that.

-What?

-Uuh, movie night? Is it Alzheimer already?

-Oh, yeah, I totally forgot. Hmm. Maybe tomorrow?

-Wo, you delaying watching one of your silly 80s movies?

-I… I don’t mind watching it.”

Chloe spoke up. She looks at Joel, trying to make him understand that it will be okay. That might even be exactly what she needs to clear her mind after this long day. He nods and gestures to Ellie, encouraging her to complete her mission.

Chloe won't see half of the movie, falling asleep on the sofa. When the end credits roll, Ellie wants to wake her up, but Joel forbids her to do so. After the teenager gets home, he tidies up a bit and turns off all the lights before returning to the living room. She is still sleeping. He decides to carry her to his bedroom.

There is a bed in his other bedroom, there since his installation, but it’s filled with a wide variety of materials, waiting for him to truly transform this room into a workshop as he began to use it. It sure wouldn't take him that long to get them out of the way and change the sheets. But he also has his weapons in there. And the room was close to the stairs, he wouldn't hear her if she ever decided to leave again.

So he lays her down in his bed and gently puts the covers on her, glad she hasn't woken up. Grabbing a blanket, he sits in the chair by the window. He lights the small lamp and resumes the course of his book. A long night's wake awaits him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this wasn’t easy to write. I’m not sure how realistic it feels, and I’m afraid that in the next chapters she will recover too quickly from this. My intentions here are not to diminish the impact of such psychological trouble and I hope I won’t hurt anyone with that.
> 
> If you ever feel really low and like giving up in life, please come talk to me, or to anyone you can trust, whether it’s in RL ou IRL life. There are people who care for you, even if we don’t know each other that much, I feel we all care around here. So please, reach for help if you feel like giving up.
> 
> Sending you all a lot of love.


	8. “I’ll try”

“Do you ever cook something yourself?”

Joel leaves his fork hanging when he hears the woman's question. It's true that most of the time he managed not to eat at home, taking advantage of the many opportunities the main street offers, or accepting his brother's invitations. But for the past ten days, he had changed his ways, bringing home food prepared by others. He didn't want to force her to eat outside, where curious stares and questions about how much food she was eating might have blocked her. And she was already having enough trouble eating to inflict her his bad cooking.

“I made you breakfast the first day.

-Oh yeah, that’s right.

-And it took me quite the concentration to do it.

-It was just oatmeal, what concentration do you need for that.” She says with a soft chuckle. Faced with his lack of response, she resumes.

“That’s so sad though, you have this incredible kitchen and you do nothing with it.

-It wouldn’t be so incredible after I burn it down.

-Come on, you can’t be that bad.

\- Don't tempt me.”

She laughs again before plunging her fork back into the tiny portion of vegetables Joel brought her back. He smiles, delighted to see her regain her footing, one step at a time.

\-------

_Joel had barely got up when Tommy came to see him that day. Seeing his brother's face, he realized he must have slept as much as he did. Barely. He had a bag in his hand, containing some clean clothes and the book she was reading at the moment._

_“Thank you. She’s still sleeping, I guess she worn herself out since she’s here. She had a nightmare at some point, but I doubt she’ll remember this morning, she fell right back asleep._

_-Good, good._

_\- I got this for you.”_

_He takes the gun from its hiding place before handing it to him. His younger brother takes it, a sad look on his face._

_“Did… Did she talk to you?_

_\- A bit. She… She’s hurt. She’s been through a lot._

_-Yeah, I won’t blame her. Thanks anyway. For looking after her and… You know.”_

_His brother nods gravely._

_“Maria cleared my schedule so I could look after her today._

_-Hm, I might be wrong but I’m not sure she’ll want to see you. Or Maria for that matter._

_-Why? Is she mad at us? Did we do something wrong?_

_-No but… She’s ashamed, I guess._

_-I must tell her it's ok_

_-I already have. Just... Give her some space, alright? I know you and Maria are the peacemakers, always making people talk their emotions. I ain't criticizing, that's good, and she'll need it at some time. But sometimes, people just need some time to process.”_

_Tommy sighs. But he knows his brother is not wrong._

_“I guess you know what you're talking about. So... I entrust her to you. Either way, as soon as she tastes your cooking, she'll quickly come back to us."  
  
The elder laughs softly. He can only agree with his brother. As he leaves, Joel begins to prepare breakfast, not taking his eyes off the pan. No way he’s burning her first meal at his home. _

_Upstairs, the soft light flooding the room wakes the young woman. She jumps, not knowing where she is anymore, before the events of the day before come to her mind. Slowly, she lets herself fall back into the sheets. She watches the room. Its size impresses her. It must be as big as the apartment she shared with her mother, there in QZ. She still has a hard time figuring out how a house could be that big._

_She turns around and buries her face in the pillow. His scent floods her. She had never noticed how reassuring the smell of another human being could be. The smell of a man. The day before, she had felt the same comfort when he had slipped his jacket over her shoulders. She thought it was because of the softness and warmth it gave her. But now she wondered if it wasn't because of its owner's smell. For a few more minutes, she enjoys this comfort before getting up, drawn to the noise from below._

_On the doorstep, she observes the man who has yet to notice her presence. He is stretching his back, probably aching from spending the night in that chair rather than in his bed. She gives him a slight smile when he greets her. She tenses when she learns that Tommy had passed by, but he reassures her._

_“Everything is fine. And at least I can make you something that you like for breakfast.”_

_She is grateful. No one had worried about her so much in a long time._

_“I’m not working today, so we can do whatever you want.”_

_She doesn't answer right away. She doesn't really know what she wants. And a thought parasitizes her mind. After a few minutes, she dares to say it out loud._

_"You won't be able to watch me forever. You will have to return to your work eventually, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow._

_-Let's worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at the time, ok?”_

_\------_

  
_One day at the time_. That’s what she did. Without really asking the question, she stayed at his place. He had since moved all his wood crafting stuff out of her room, despite her protests. He didn't have to do that, she just needed a bed and a lamp. The rest didn't matter to her. But he didn't agree. No matter how long she was staying there, he wanted her to feel good.

As the days go by, he has become accustomed to her presence, and she seems satisfied with the arrangement. Only one thing bothers him. She still carefully avoids Tommy and Maria, going as far as to take refuge upstairs one day he came to see Joel. The latter had then played the mediator, reassuring everyone as best he can. She apologizes. She is not ready. Shame still sticks to her heart. He doesn't insist anymore, not wanting to overwhelm the young woman. That's why he looks so surprised when she suggests her idea over lunch.

“You know what, I can cook, let me make dinner tomorrow. We could invite Tommy and Maria.”

She put it out naturally, like it was something they did on a regular basis. He's glad she finally wants to take the plunge, but he can't help but worry. Isn't a meal a little too ambitious? He would have preferred her to suggest a movie night, at least the silence would have been justified. But she looks determined, so he's going to do anything to help her.

\----

Her cries wake him up. With his usual responsiveness, he rushed to the young woman's room. He turns on the light and squeezes her arm, bringing her out of her bad dreams. Her breathing is erratic as tears flood her cheeks. The terror on her face slowly fades as Joel whispers reassuring words to her.

A little calmed down, she turns her head towards the alarm clock on her nightstand. 1 a.m. The night is way from being over. But she doesn’t want to close her eyes again. She just wants some peace. She glances at the man sitting on the edge of the bed. Over the nights he had learned to stay level, sitting, or crouching so as not to loom over her in a threatening manner. If he were to touch her, it was with a squeeze on her arm, or putting a hand on hers, loosely. Yes, he had quickly learned how to appease his now roommate.

She apologizes for waking him up again, but he dismisses that with his hand. He’s not much of a sleeper anyway. He suggests that they go downstairs to drink something hot. Comforting. She accepts. Outside, the rain is still falling.

\----

_It was barely starting to fall when he came home a few hours earlier. In the kitchen, pans and ingredients were spread over the island. Since that first dinner with Tommy and Maria, Chloe had cooked almost every day. Sometimes Ellie would join them now that the menu was appetizing. But most often it was just the two of them, tasting her work._

_Dinner was being prepared, and yet there was no sign of the cook. What the heck, he whispered, looking up to the window. He rushes to the back door. In the garden, Chloe, is standing still, arms outstretched in the pouring rain._

_“What the fuck are you doing?!_

_-It’s raining!_

_-Yeah, I see it's fucking raining, you're going to be sick, come on._

_-Just one second."_

_She lifts her head to the angry sky and lets the water soaked her skin, washing away everything. Cleaning her soul, it seems. Then she turns to him with a big, almost childish smile. He frowns in incomprehension but goes to her anyway, throwing his jacket over her shoulders. She lets herself be guided inside, still smiling.  
  
He grabs one of the towels that had finished drying and throws it over her shoulders, trying to ignore the shapes revealed by her soggy t-shirt. As he tries to remove the water, he watches her intently. Is this a sign to consider? Is she relapsing after so much effort? She laughed softly when she saw his concern._

_"Relax Joel, I didn't go crazy. But I was locked up for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel the rain. So don't be surprised when you see me rolling around in the snow in winter, then nose in all the flowers until I sneeze in the spring. "  
  
He sketches a slight smile, reassured. He resumes his usual tone of protective roommate.  
  
"Go change yourself, if you don't want pneumonia to keep you from rolling in the snow."_

_She smiles and obeys. When she returns to the kitchen, Joel is studying the cookbook she found in the bookstore a few days before._

_“You’re doing that?_

_-I’ll try_

_-And you gonna eat it?_

_-I’ll try” She said in the same tone, a slight smile on her lips._

\-----------

In the half-light of the kitchen, they stand in silence at the window, watching the curtain of rain falling on the ground. Only the whistling of the kettle breaks the harmony of these two motionless bodies. Joel comes out of his contemplation to prepare the brew. Handing her a cup, he asks.

“Did you have those nightmares at Tommy and Maria’s?

\- No, but to be fair I wasn't sleeping much.”

Silence sets in again. She feels that he is fidgeting next to her, that he wants to say something without knowing how to do it. Patiently, she waits for him to make up his mind, taking a few sips of his brew to warm up.

“Maybe… Maybe talking would help you. I don’t know, I’m not much of talker but. Apparently, it helps to let everything out. I'm not saying it has to be with me. I would listen to you off course. But maybe it would worth the shot for you to try.”

In the dark, she smiles. Funny to see this man usually so assured mix with his words. Maybe he's right. Without leaving the course of the drops on the windows, she murmurs like a promise.

“I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a painful chapter to write as I got no inspiration, and then translation really got on my nerves, a lot of sentences I wrote in French were making no sense in English. So, yeah sorry about that and thank you for sticking through it.


	9. September 26

When he wakes up that morning, Joel knows perfectly well what day it is. Rubbing his face after too short a night, he gets up and puts on a comfortable outfit. At least today he'll be on patrol, the seriousness of his task should keep him from thinking too much about it.

As he walks past Chloe's bedroom, he notices it's empty, the bed unmade. He walks down the steps with a nervousness that only leaves him when he sees light in the kitchen.

“Hey, why are you already up?

-I just wanted to make you breakfast before your patrol. “

He is a little surprised. It's rare for her to be up before him when he goes on patrol, or anytime for that matter. She rarely gets up before 7am, the nightmares usually leaving her alone in those hours between night and morning. 

Seeing what she's cooking, he's more and more intrigued. It’s his favorite. _How did she know. It can't be a coincidence_. He's about to question her when something catches his eye on the counter. A package that he quickly recognizes.

“Where did you find that?!

-Tommy gave it to me.”

 _Damnit Tommy_. It was impressive how someone who could keep heavy secrets couldn't shut up on simple matters. But his annoyance quickly evaporates as he opens the package, letting the sweet scent of coffee fill his nose. He looks up at the young woman.

“So, I guess you know?

-That today is your birthday? Yep.

-What… What else did he say?” Joel asks in a slightly more serious tone. He remembers how Maria, barely meeting Ellie, had told her about the most painful moment of his life.

“Nothing, just that you don’t like celebrating it. That why I’m just low-key making you breakfast.

-Did he tell you why?

-He wanted to, but… I stopped him.

-Why?

-Because it wasn’t his story to tell.” She says, staring into his eyes before focusing on the stove in front of her. He doesn't answer, letting silence settle. She resumes without looking at him.

“But I guess it has to do with that broken watch you wear all the time.”

He looks at her, stunned.

“I see only two reasons why someone would wear a broken watch. The first is because the person is crazy. But even if you and I don't always see eye to eye, I don’t believe you’re crazy.

-And the second?

-I reminds you of someone dear. Who, why, I don’t know. But that would be my guess.”

He nods, without really answering. He thought she had never noticed his watch. After all, she had never mentioned it. But she had seen it, and she had even considered the question. Taken aback, he doesn't know what to say. Chloe doesn't take offense at the silence, changing the subject.

“It's almost ready, so if you want some coffee, you're going to have to make it yourself. I have absolutely no idea how to do this and Tommy told me you would cut off my head if I wasted up even an ounce. It's too much pressure for this early in the morning. "

Joel chuckles softly and complies. Coffee is a rare commodity, and he appreciates his little brother's gesture. When everything is ready, they step out onto the porch. Although it's the end of September, the cold has not yet set in and they can enjoy the semi-darkness, as the first rays of the sun will soon appear. He enjoys his breakfast before helping himself a coffee, as a dessert.

With his mug in his hands, his eyes riveted on the mountains that are beginning to turn pink, he opens his mouth several times before closing it, not knowing whether to dare or not. But he remembers all the confidences that the young woman gave him. He knows that he can, that he must, trust her.

“It was a birthday gift. The watch. My… My daughter offered it to me a few hours before outbreak.

-You have a daughter?!

-Yeah. Sarah.

-How old was she at the time?

-12… Yeah, I got her young.” He adds, seeing Chloe's dumbfounded face.” I was barely older than Ellie when I got Sarah's mom pregnant. That seems impossible. I understand why my dad freaked out.

-Yeah… Wait, hold on. How a 12 years old could afford a watch, were you rich or something?

-We sold hard drugs.” He said the most seriously before blurting out a smirk at the shocked look of the young woman.

“That’s the joke she made. I guess her uncle Tommy helped her. Hasn’t lost his touch in helping people to make me gift it seems.”

They both smile at this remark, before letting silence fall between them. She has thousands of questions on her mind but doesn't want to ask any. After all, he always gives her time when he listens to her stories. She owes him to do the same. Maybe he won't say anything more. Perhaps this is already enough.

But now that he's started, Joel figured he might as well finish. Maybe that would keep him from brooding over his memories all day. Maybe it would do him good, as he had suggested to his roommate not long ago.

“In the middle of the night, things started to escalate. My neighbor called me, her husband wasn't well. Of course, we had no idea what was going on, it all went so fast. He was infected, I had to shot him before he attacked me. We had to run away. We didn't realize yet that there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from this. Tommy came to get us, Sarah and me. It was a mess, there were people everywhere. We ended up having a car accident. She got her leg hurt so I carried her. We ran without knowing where to go. It was chaos. And when I believed we were finally saved... "

He stops talking, quietly biting the inside of her cheek. The still vivid images flash before his eyes. He has replayed the scene hundreds, thousands of times, over the past two decades. _If I had shifted a bit more, if I had turned around faster, if… if…_ The young woman's hand on his, warm, soft, takes him out of those bad thoughts. He clears his throat.

“The army had been called in as reinforcements. So when I ran into this soldier, I thought he was going to get us out of there. That was their role after all. And I had a little girl in my arms. But they didn't know any better than we did. They were worried that Austin's situation would replicate elsewhere. They weren't there to help us. Somewhere, in a tent or in a bunker, a general has made a decision. And with the snap of a finger, an entire city is doomed. The soldier did his job, he obeyed orders... And he started shooting. Tommy managed to shoot him down. But we… I… I couldn't save her.”

Silence falls as the birds begin to hum and the sun has almost come out of its hiding place. When he finally looks at her, he notices the silent tears that have rolled down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry Joel” she manages to mutter, her hands holding his tightly now. He smiled sadly before taking a sip of coffee. He doesn't know if he feels better or worse for speaking. But for some reason he doesn’t understand, he's glad she knows. She had entered his inner circle in no time, it was normal that she knew some things about him.

Slipping his hand into his coat pocket, he pulls out a slightly crumpled paper, yellowed by the years, which he hands to the young woman. She takes it, intrigued. Two characters are revealed on the laminated paper. A radiant little girl holding up a trophy, embraced by a man with a tender and proud expression.

It’s weird for her to see him like this. To realize that he had had a lifetime before he turned into this tough man, broken by years and trials. He almost looks carefree in this photo. He must be about the same age as she is now. She can't help but tease him.

“Man, you must have broken hearts with that smile.”

He lets out a surprised laugh, astonished that this is the first thing she finds to say. Her satisfied smile fades a bit as she still observes the photo.

“She’s so cute” she blurted out gently.

He nods silently.

“At least she didn't have to see any of that. To see what I have become. She was so kind, her heart couldn't take all this violence, this chaos."

Hearing this bitter conclusion, she would like to say something. But Joel doesn't give her the chance. He takes the picture back and stands up. He has said enough, and it's now time for him to join the stables.

“Thanks. For breakfast, and…” He leaves his sentence hanging. She nods.

“Sure. Be safe out there.

-Oh, and no need for more, ok? No gift, no surprise dinner, whatsoever. Breakfast was enough.

-Yes sir.”

After a last smile, she lets him disappear towards the still quiet streets of the city. She stays outside for a while, observing the mountains that have caught fire from the morning lights. She would never tire of this spectacle. Then in a burst of motivation, she gets up and goes inside. She too must go and do her part for the community.

\---

It's late when he comes home that evening. She already has gone to bed without waiting for him, as he always asks her to do. Entering the kitchen, Joel finds a covered plate, accompanied by a note.

_See, no big fuss. Just a sad dish to heat up. Don’t burn down the house._

He can't help but smile and lifts the upside-down plate to look at the menu. Nothing sad about that. She still found a way to do something he loved to make him happy. His meals had improved dramatically since she moved in. Sometimes he even wondered if he would end up putting on weight from always helping himself twice to her delicious food.

After quickly eating, he slowly climbs the stairs, exhausted by his day. He glances through the door that the young woman always leaves ajar at night. He smiled when he saw that once again, she had fallen asleep on her book, the light shining on her face not seeming to bother her. At least for now, she's not having a nightmare.

He walks into his room and immediately notices the small package on his bed. He frowns before picking up the accompanying note

_I know you said no gift, but I found that today._

_You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to._

He slowly unraveled the wrapper, wondering what she had found. A bittersweet feeling twists his face in reaction of this new delicate attention from the young woman.

The next day when she would put away his clean clothes in his bedroom, she too would have a smile.

Because on Joel's dresser now sits the photo, framed.


	10. First dances

Fairy lights twinkle, spreading their soft light throughout the church, transformed for the occasion in a dance hall. All over the room, conversations and laughter spread, barely stifled by the music. Sitting around a table, Maria, Tommy, and Eugene chat happily. Next to them, Chloe moves her head in rhythm, her eyes riveted on the dancers. Eugene notices it and nudges Joel.

“Come on man, make the girl dance.

-What? You, make her dance.

-Er, my leg is hurting tonight.”

Chloe looks at her roommate, waiting to see his next move. A glimmer of hope in the eye. He questions her.

“You don’t wanna dance, do you?

-I’ll never not want to dance.”

He sighs, and an idea comes to his mind.

“You know what? If you know the lyrics of the next song, I’ll make you dance.

-What?! That’s unfair, there’s no way I’ll know them.

-Too bad.”

She sighs and plunges her face back into the crowd. She could ask someone else. But she wasn't sure she wanted that kind of closeness to anyone other than one of the people around this table. She had bonded with other people since arriving, but she still didn't know them well enough to ask them. Never mind, she would just drink tonight. Beside her, Tommy gives his brother a heavy look. He ignores it, taking another sip, which he stops suddenly when he hears the young woman's voice.

Nancy Sinatra, Lee Hazelwood – Summer Wine

| Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring  
My summer wine is really made from all these things |

A big smirk lights up the face of his roommate. She knows the song. He puts his glass down, looking defeated, before reaching out to lead her onto the dance floor. A promise is a promise. He wanted to play, he lost. He's not even that bad a dancer. But he much prefers the comfort of a seat or the bar rather than being the center of attention.

“Wipe that satisfied smile off your face.

-Oh come on, that’s fun. You should have seen your face when I started singing.

-How the hell do you know this song by the way, we don’t have it home.

-I don't know, it came naturally to me. As obvious.”

An expression of pain suddenly crosses her face. She remembers. She sees everything back. Her mother and her long dresses that twirled with her every move. Her father stepping forward and spinning her around, snatching her laughter interspersed with kisses. Innocent joy.

A pressure on her hand brings Chloe back to the present. She gives away a sad smile, trying to reassure the man who’s looking at her with concern.

“My mom… She used to sing it all the time.”

He nods, quietly strengthening his hold on his dance partner, to give her some comfort.

“Does it ever get better? Is there a day when the good memories stop being ruined by the bad?

-I'm not sure I'm the best person to talk about this. For a long time, I pushed everything deep inside me, scolding anyone that would bring the subject up. But I eventually learned it was ok to think or to talk about it. And then it gets better. It hurts less and you can enjoy those memories. But there are still some bittersweet feelings left, I think they never really go away.”

They continue to dance in silence until the end of the song. Chloe smiles softly when she sees Tommy and Maria joining them on the dance floor. Tenderly embraced, they seem to be in perfect harmony, as if nothing else exists around them. These two make a beautiful couple. At least some beautiful things came out of that apocalypse, it seems.

Janis Joplin – Call on me

“Come on Joel, it’s Janis, we have to keep dancing.”

The man replies with a smile, accepting her request with good grace. He knows the young woman's love for the singer, and it's not so bad to dance with her in the end. He finds himself taken aback when, pointing to his brother and his wife, she asks.

“Don’t you want something like that? Now that you’re safe and sound in Jackson.

-I… Well, it has never been easy with women.

-What about Sarah's mother?

-She was quickly out of the picture. We were very young, it was too much for her. She stayed around for a while, but when Sarah was around 4, she just… disappeared. So obviously after that it got more complicated. I had to take care of my little girl, provide for her needs. I had a few friends left but I barely saw them. When you’re twenty, your idea of fun is more in party than in the children's parks. It is how it is. My life was just different.

-But you had Tommy.” She said, trying to find something positive to cheer him up.

“I had Tommy.

-Still, I think you should open your eyes and take a look around you.

-What?

\- Joel, I can guarantee you there isn't a single woman in this room who wouldn't want to be in my place right now.

-Nonsense.

-No it’s not. You’re handsome, and strong. A good father. You’re a bit rough sometimes, but it’s ok, it’s part of your charm. So yeah, a reliable man with a pretty face. Believe me, they're all hating my guts right now.”

He shakes his head, looking away, embarrassed. She smiled mischievously when she saw him in the open. She resumes more seriously.

“I can help you if you need me. I'm a good matchmaker.

-Nah. I know them all, and I don't think I'd want to be with any of them. And any of them would want me after they know me better.

-That's the thing Joel. You don't really know them either. You know them from work, or from some casual chitchat. But that's all. Anyway, I shouldn't push you too much, or I'll soon have to find a new place to live.”

The song ends, but they don’t stop right away. A little embarrassed to have to talk about her feelings, she continues all the same.

“And, hem, I like to live with you. I feel good and... Safe. I'm truly grateful, I want you to know it.

-Well I’m glad. You can stay as long as you want. I won't push you out, for anyone. Now, let's have a drink before you try to get me a wife.”

She laughs softly as she follows him to the bar. As she waits for her drink, she remembers the last time she danced with a man. Or rather, for a man.

\-----------------

_“Be careful not to fall.”_

_Talia watches her protege walking away with a light step. She can't help but worry. She had never let her near clients. Behind the bar, on the stage and that's it. But he had insisted so much and so much that she had to bow to his will. After all, it was thanks to him that she was able to run the place._

_Arriving at the door, Chloe takes a deep breath, both intimidated and excited to step into this private room. She knows her choreography by heart, even though she had never been allowed to perform it. The first notes of music resonate and it's up to her to come on the private stage._

Lana Del Rey – Gods & Monsters

In the land of Gods and Monsters  
I was an angel  
Livin' in the garden of evil

_She doesn't let anything of her surprise filter through when she walks in and sees this handsome man in his late twenties. So he's Cyril, the man who handles most of the QZ underground activities. She thought she would face a man in his fifties, full of scars. Not an angel's face, with his blonde hair falling over his face._

_Undaunted, she starts dancing for the man in front of her. Her lustful movements follow one another without trembling. Slowly, she glides along the bar without ever breaking visual contact with her viewer._

_He remains impassive. No sign of what he's feeling. He doesn't have that lustful look she sees in other men when she's on the big stage. He just keeps his eyes on her, slowly releasing the smoke from his cigarette._

_The song ends and the man still doesn't move. Another music starts and she starts dancing again, waiting for a gesture, a sign from the other to know what he expects from her._

_He finally approaches. Her breathing quickens, her bare belly unable to hide this new rhythm. He smirks. She soon feels his soft breath on her face. With the back of his hand, he gently strokes her cheek._

_"That was great"_

_He takes his hand away and leaves without saying another word. She remains alone in the room. In a corner of her head, she is disappointed. She was expecting something else. She would have liked to feel his hand slide down her neck, down onto her uncovered skin while his lips would have rested on hers. Coming back to reality, she shakes her head and walks out of the room looking for her mentor._

Be careful not to fall… _Talia was not talking about her dance. She was afraid she would fall for him._

\---------

In the kitchen, Joel rubs his face after dropping his weapons one by one on the island. He jumps when her voice echoes around the room. He hadn't heard her coming.

“You’re tired?

-Exhausted.

-You should go sit in your couch. You have the right to rest sometimes you know.

-I will. But I still have to clean my guns first. They need it.

-Let me help you.”

He looks at her hesitantly. She rolls her eyes, annoyed.

“Come on Joel, there is not even bullet in it. Let me do something, today was boring as fuck.”

He nods and she walks over, grabbing the 9mm in front of her. As he begins to explain how to do it, he falls silent, stunned. The young woman has just disassembled the weapon with unexpected dexterity and speed. Maybe even better than he would have done himself.

“Where did you learn that?

-Hmm. My boyfriend was a gun nut. ‘Taught me how to shoot too. That's why I didn't die in your forest the day you found me."

 _But it didn't save any of us in the QZ._ She thinks bitterly.

"Where is he now?

-Dead."

_By my fault._


	11. Don’t make me regret this

“Joel, wake up, wake up!”

The man stands up violently, disoriented at having come out of his deep sleep so harshly. He realizes that Chloe is standing in front of him. Panicked, he forces his still-heavy body to sit up.

“What's going on? Are you ok? Are you hurt?

-No, come look at the windows"

He rubs his face and stands up quickly. What can cause this agitation in the young woman? Trespassers? Infected? He quickly regains his survivor's reflexes, his body on alert, ready to fight to protect his life and those of his family. But no matter how well he scrutinizes the street, he sees nothing. Unless.

"Did you wake me up because it’s snowing?!

-Look it's so pretty, everything is white!”

He rubs his face again, distraught that he had to cut his night short for this. But she doesn't seem to realize it and continues excitedly.

“And do you hear that silence?! Isn't that weird that the snow has its own sound?

-If you say so.

-Come on, be excited!

-It's 4 am.

-Don’t be so grumpy, that’s magical.

-You know that it snows all the time here, right? You'll see, by February you'll be fed up with it.

-Impossible!”

He's about to answer but he stops, looking out the window again. He can't suppress a smile as he listens to her amazement. It’s true that it’s beautiful. It's hard to get tired of such a spectacle, no matter what his crabby side might say.

They stay like that side by side for a while. Without saying a word, just admiring the flakes falling, adding to the already substantial layer covering the street. He only broke away from this vision when he feels her shiver next to him. She is wearing only a t-shirt and light sports pants, her feet bare on the wood floor. He speaks softly.

"You should go back to bed, you don't want to be sick before even going out"

She nods and with a superhuman effort looks away from the window. She gives a contrite smile to her host.

"Sorry I woke you up for that.

-It's alright, I'll be sleeping in no time.

-Good night Joel"

He follows her with his eyes as she leaves his bedroom. What a strange bird he got there. He slips back into the sheets, sighing at the time. He knows that his alarm will soon twist his ears. Much too soon. He wonders if it’s even worth falling back to sleep. Did she even get a little sleep? He tells himself he should get up to go check her out, but at the thought, his eyes close and he sinks back into sleep.

\----

For the past few weeks, Chloe has been working at the diner. She enjoys this new position where she meets all the people of Jackson, getting to know them and listening to their stories. Maria is happy to have entrusted her with this mission, the young woman proving to be very comfortable in this job.

After all, she has experience behind a bar. But that, only Joel knows. It has been several days since she confided in him what had happened to her mother and her early years with Talia. But she didn't dare tell him that she too had been on stage. That she danced for these men. The same ones who came back afterwards, when Cyril was no longer there to protect her. When there was more to buy than her image.

 _Joel doesn't need to know everything,_ she told herself, convinced that there are things best kept a secret. She even probably told him too much already. But she can't help it. When they find each other in the silence and darkness of the house they share, at times when everyone is sleeping peacefully, then confidences come naturally. As if the words long imprisoned finally found a way to escape, leaving her no other choice than speaking them.

She yawns discreetly. The only difficulty she encounters is with the schedules. At Talia's, she worked nights. Here, she sometimes finds herself on the morning shift, when you have to be on the bridge at 5 am to welcome those who are going on patrol. This morning, Joel is one of them. She greets him with that warm smile that all her clients know her.

“Good morning dear customer, what will you have this morning?

-Coffee”

She gives him an annoyed look.

“Will you ever get tired from that joke?

-Nope”

He smirks while taking the mug the woman hands him. She knows what he takes, it’s always the same. If she wants him to stop, she should stop asking. He grimaces after taking a sip of the brew. No matter what Tommy claims, chicory really doesn't taste the same as coffee. His little brother really doesn't have any taste buds. But he does not lose hope. One day someone will eventually bring them some coffee seeds that they can plant. That day, he will install a huge greenhouse in his garden.

He stays at the counter, keeping teasing the waitress under the amused gaze of the regulars. But the young woman always finds something to respond, giving him blow for blow in this verbal contest. Mike, one of the patrollers, warns her after a bit too harsh a retort.

“You should be careful Chloe, he's going to kick you out of his house if you keep talking to him like that.

-Are you kidding? He’d be lost without me. I do the housekeeping, laundry, and cooking. Heck, I’d have been a perfect housewife in the 50’s.

-Not with that tongue. You rant too much, you’d never have find a husband.”

She turns to her roommate, looking shocked, before a sulky smile appears on her lips. She pulls his cup away from him.

"Isn't it time for your patrol? Go protect the city rather than tell me such nasty things.

-Yes mam”

They exchange a last smile before he leaves the scene with the other patrollers. At the diner, the morning takes its course, one client after the other. At the end of her shift, she joins Molly, a girl about her age, bubbly and knowing how to play the piano to perfection. The two women soon became friends, spending their free time trying to adapt songs they found on vinyl or CDs to sing together. Sometimes they would dance, or just discuss everything and nothing. Although she sincerely enjoyed her, Chloe didn't tell her about her past. She is too afraid that her story will find itself relayed in the many gossip of the city. It's too risky. The members of the Miller family are the only ones she can confide in without any fear.

\--------------

“I brought you something from the patrol.

-Did you feel guilty for what you told me this morning?

-No. Wait, you know I was joking right? I wasn't thinking that I said.

-Chill, I know. I'm just messing up with you.”

He sets his bag down on the island and stops as he is about to open the zipper.

"Don't make me regret bringing you this, okay? You have to promise to use it sparingly.

-What the hell did you find?! "

He seems to hesitate but ends up resigning himself. Sighing, he pulls a CD out of his bag. _Abba greatest hits_. Choe discovered them not long ago, thanks to one of their movie nights. Tommy pretended to want to please Maria by forcing _Mamma Mia_ on his brother, but in the end, Joel wondered if his brother hadn't liked the movie more than his wife. Her roommate had loved it anyway. So when he stumbled across the CD while on patrol, he knew immediately he would hit the mark.

“Oh my God Joel! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

\- Sparingly I said!!! Ah fuck.” He mutters his end of sentence, hearing the music already escaping from the living room she had rushed into.

He joins her anyway, leaning on the doorpost to watch the young woman dance to this disco-pop, light-years away from his musical tastes. It makes him happy to see her so carefree for once. As if getting in motion allowed her to forget absolutely everything. Dismissing that glimmer of sadness that always shone in her eyes, even when she laughed.

He sighs all the same. He knows he is going to suffer, restraint not being his roommate's greatest quality. He absolutely has to find her a Discman for Christmas, it's his only salvation to avoid hearing those Swedes in sequins all the time.

“Molly is going to be crazy listening to that, thanks Joel!”

She walks up to the man and places a kiss on his cheek, before heading back to dancing throughout the living room. He stays still. It had been smooth and quick, like a habit. Like a banal gesture. As banal as if she had asked him to give her the remote control or his advice on a recipe.

And without him even realizing it, something happened inside him.

A feeling long forgotten.

The warmth of a woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abba is >>>   
> And I can’t help but imagining Tommy humming the songs while watching Mamma Mia, like a guilty pleasure he’s trying to hide.


	12. I won't let you freeze

Mist escapes from his mouth even though he’s inside. The night is freezing, he thinks he has never known one so cold since being here. Despite all the comforts this house brings, it lacks central heating. He decides to go downstairs, hoping a hot drink could warm him up a bit. He has barely left his room when he hears a thud followed by many curses.

In the living room, Chloe is fighting with the fireplace. She tries to make a fire but can't seem to fix the logs which keep falling apart. She loses patience, her fingers are numb with cold. She feels like any minute her whole body will come to a stop, petrified, and that she will remain its prisoner until death follows.

“I think housewives in the 50’s knew how to make a fire.

\- Seriously Joel, I’m freezing to death and you want to pick on me? Do you have any idea of how many layers of clothes I’m wearing right now?”

He approaches silently, taking the logs out of her hand to make a fire worthy of the name.

“Go fetch your duvet and mine. And pillows.

\- Why?

\- We’ll be sleeping here. You’re annoying but I don’t want you to die.”

She does so without protesting. When she comes down with her hands loaded with the sheets, the fire starts to catch on and Joel is pulling the couch and his chair closer to the fireplace. That way they won't get cold and maybe get some rest. She helps him push off the couch before collapsing on it, admiring the fire.

“You sure you’re ok with sleeping in the chair?

\- Yeah, that’s mine, don’t you think I’ll let it to you like that.

\- Ok old man, don’t complain about your back tomorrow morning.”

He chuckles and they settle in this makeshift camp. She lets the warmth of the flames gently caress her face. This moment takes her years back. Memories so distant that they seem to never have really existed.

"It reminds me the QZ. We only had one room, badly insulated. So in winter months my dad would make a fire in a sort of dumpster and we would stay all three hugged together on one mattress, covered with all the clothes we could find. He was leaving us to work and would come back to find us at the exact same spot." 

He just smiles at this image. He too remembers the cold in Boston, in this sad and gray QZ. All the imagination it took to stay warm and dry. _Tess_. His heart twitches. It had been a long time since he had thought of her. He pushes her face out of his mind and leans in to grab the bottle he had put down near his chair while Chloe was still upstairs. He hands her a drink before using one.

“You never told me what happened to your dad.

\- Dead. Like all the others. He was often working outside the QZ. First, he had been selected and had no choice, but he ended up volunteering whenever he could. He was convinced it would give us a better life, all because sometimes he managed to glean a few more tickets, or because they let him come back with something he found outside."

She gave a faint smile, remembering a teddy bear he once brought her, proud of himself. She takes a sip of whiskey before resuming.

“But off course, it wasn't a safe job, and one day he didn't come back. We didn't even get to see his body, so I bet he has been bitten and shot on sight.

\- How old were you?

\- Around 10 I believe. It destroyed my mother. She just gave up after that."

She sees her mother again, lying all day facing the wall, refusing to answer or move, only giving in when her daughter threatened to leave the apartment. The adult woman had always been reluctant to go out, but now she was terrified. They had to do it though, otherwise they would starve to death. So Chloe would wait for her mother to fall asleep, exhausted by tears, to take their ration tickets and slip out of the house to collect food. At first, she would never waste time, never stopping to talk to anyone. She was too worried about what might happen to her if she did, her mother's fears having rubbed off on her. Then she began to realize that not that dangerous, as long as you are careful.

Turning to Joel, she watches the reflection of the flames playing on his face. He seems lost in his own memories. She wants to take advantage of this intimacy forced by the cold to learn more about him.

"How was your dad?

\- My dad... My dad was just the classic Texan guy. But you probably don't know what that means.

\- No clue.

\- Well, let’s say he was very straight. He was a rock, we would never talk about his feelings or his desires. The only way to have a little deeper conversation was to talk about sports. I guess he was a good man, but he wasn’t much around, spending his time trying to provide for his family. But from time to time, he would take Tommy and I fishing, or to a baseball game. It was nice.

\- How did he react when you told him you were to be dad?

\- Ah. Not the best moment in my life I must say. He was old fashion, you know. So when I announced him I got my girlfriend pregnant, he remained silent for what felt forever. Then he told me only one thing, with a cold anger. He said that I was better to be a man and marry the girl, because that was the only acceptable way. Happiness or love wasn't much a priority. Doing the right thing, the respectful thing, was. You make a mistake, you act like a man and take responsibility.”

He stops and frowns, as if reflecting on what he just said.

“But truth be told, Sarah never felt like a mistake. Off course I freaked out at first, I was just a kid. But when I hold her for the first time in my arms, I just knew. It was the right thing to do. She’d be my life. It hasn’t been easy, especially with her mom. But I never regretted having her. Not once.”

He turns to her, his eyes staring into hers. She hadn't taken her gaze of the men once as he told her about his past. She had break down every expression, every squint as he spoke of his little girl. He speaks more quietly now.

“I understand your father you know. When you have a child, you would do anything to give him the best, whatever the sacrifices.

\- I know. I just sometimes wish he hadn’t.”

 _He would have protect me from all that_.

They continue to chat much of the night. He tells her about his life before, about the silly things he and Tommy did, their travels. About Sarah too, a little. Only fatigue prevents them from continuing until sunrise. Without really realizing it, the two of them dozed off, sated with each other's stories.

\---

Light knocks wake him up the next day. He overslept, it seems. At the door is Tommy, who comes to see if everything is going well for them after that historically cold night for Jackson. Joel motions for him to stay quiet as they walked past the living room where Chloe is still sleeping. He especially doesn't want to wake her from sleep. He has rarely seen her so peaceful, he would hate himself for breaking it.

“You slept in the living room? 

-Had to, bedrooms were way to cold.”

Turning on the water to heat, Joel rubs the back of his neck, sore from sleeping in the chair. A gesture that does not escape his brother.

“You’re ok?

\- Yeah. I ain’t 20 no more baby brother.”

Tommy laughs softly as he takes the mug his brother hands him. They remain a few minutes in a comfortable silence, before the youngest point his head towards the living room. Although she hasn't been living with him for a couple of months now, he still cares deeply about her well-being.

“How’s she doing?

\- Better, truly. She still has those awful nightmares, but they seem to be spacing out now.

\- So, what do you think?

\- About your idea? Yeah, I think she’s ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been trying and trying to write about her father so her relation to Joel wouldn’t be a consequence of her father death, but I think I’m failing. Let’s all sink into daddy issues, I don’t even care anymore.


	13. Infected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Physical & Psychological violence.   
> I’m pretty tired right now, so I’m pretty sure there will be some his/her mismatch, sorry about that

The hum of electric heating fills the room as she turns back and forth in her bed. It was Tommy who brought the devices the day after their night in the living room, so that they will no longer be cold in their respective bedrooms. _Too bad_ , she couldn't help thinking. It had been a beautiful night. She had rarely slept so well, and she was sure the reassuring presence of the man next to her was no stranger to it.

Through her door ajar, she sees the light coming out of Joel's room. Both had gotten into the habit of never closing their doors completely at night. Her, so as not to feel locked in and be reassured by the sounds he was making. Him to hear her better if she was having one of those violent nightmares.

She inhales, reflects, hesitates, straightens up before lying down again. She even forces herself to close her eyes. But immediately images come back to her, always more terrifying. She sits down for good. If they are to do what he planned for the next day, she must sleep.

Hanging on to a book she recommended, Joel is not asleep yet. He looks up in surprise when she walks into his room, silent. Had he been so captivated by this novel that he hadn't heard her have a nightmare? He puts the object on his nightstand to focus his attention on her.

“You’re ok?

\- I can't sleep. I... I wonder if..."

She stops and looks away. She is ridiculous. He's never going to accept and tomorrow it will be weird between them. _Never mind_ , she whispers as she turns to run away from the bedroom, already feeling the embarrassment coloring her cheeks.

"Wait, what do you need?”

She faces him again and plays with her fingers a bit before daring to look at him.

“I... Can I sleep with you?" She corrects herself before giving him time to react. "I mean, like, lay next to you. In all chastity. I know I'm a whore but/"

He frowns and the cut sternly.

"Stop calling you that.

\- Why, that's what I am, there's no point of denying it.

\- Was. And it's not like you had a choice. You were more a slave than a prostitute you know.

\- If you say so. So, are you ok about having a slave sleeping next to you?"

He sighs at the stubbornness of the young woman, but he still nods to indicate the spot next to him. He knows her well enough now to know when she needs to talk. She would probably go back to bed after emptying her mind.

"I turn the light off?"

She nods. He turns his gaze to her, guessing her worried look in the dim light coming in from outside.

"Is this about tomorrow? I won't force you if you're not ready. But I think it would be nice for you to go out a bit, to discover nature under the snow. You'll see, the area is beautiful. Nothing to do with QZ.”

She tries to smile, but her expression remains nervous.

“You'll be safe with me and Tommy. It's an easy patrol, a short road. We'll probably see infected only from afar. And if Tommy is in a good mood, he might teach you how to use a sniper.” He continues to watch her, hoping she’s relaxed. In vain. She finally dares to speak out.

“Can I tell you something embarrassing?

\- Sure.

\- I’ve never seen infected.

\- Really?

\- Yeah. When there was the breakout, we locked ourselves in our house, and then we moved really quickly in the QZ. There we’d barely get out, my mom was so afraid. My dad was doing the most of our tasks. We’d go out with her only once a week to get our food ration. I grew up in the four walls of this apartment. That’s why life with Talia seemed so magical. So many people, so many incredible stories to listen to.”

He doesn't answer, her story doesn't really call for comment. She resumes, almost whispering, as though reflecting to herself.

“It’s weird right? To be afraid of something you don't know, something you’ve never seen.

\- Well, when that something has destroyed half the population and an entire way of living, I think it’s ok to be afraid.

\- All I know about them is what I heard in the QZ or here.

\- We’ll teach you on the road. It’s really basic you know. I’m not worried about you.”

She answers half-heartedly, loud enough to reveal that her voice is trembling, hoarse, as if holding back tears.

“What is it?” He asks quietly, giving her time to come to her senses before confiding.

\- Back there… Some days, they would enter in my cell. Maybe a customer complained, maybe they were bored, I don't know. But they would be mad, treat me all kind of names, tell me I wasn't working hard enough and that I better put more spirit into it. They would beat me up, but not too much. You don’t want to spoil the meat for the customer, right?”

He frowns again at hearing her talk about herself like that, but he doesn't say anything. Who knows how many months they have been fighting on her, trying to take away everything that made her a human being. He found it admirable that she could talk about it, squeezing the poison of trauma out of her. He had never had this strength.

“So to be sure I’d obey, they would tell me that... If I didn't behave... They..."

Her voice chokes for good this time. Her wounds still fresh. She fights her own tears and pulls out her sentence all at once.

"They would throw me to some pit full of infected who would come and tear my body to pieces until there was nothing left of me."

She doesn't know if it was true, but girls were disappearing regularly. She knew it, as they sometimes managed to communicate through walls. Of course, now she knows they were probably sold the way she was. But what if?

Her body starts to shake in disgust and the tears start again. Joel comes closer and gently, not to frighten her, pulls her against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He remains silent. What can he say to reassure this broken woman in his arms. Each story she reveals is scarier than the last.

She lets herself go, trying to anchor herself in this physical contact to scare the others away. She remembers every blow, every word, every face. They are inscribed in her flesh, she feels them as if they were being carried to her at this moment. So she fights herself despite the tears and fear of these memories, and focuses on Joel's arms surrounding her, on the reassuring words he recites and that she doesn't even listen to, hearing only the music of his deep voice, until the exhaustion of her tears exhausts her body and she fell asleep against him.

\-----------------

“Really, a simple knife can kill them?”

It had been several hours since they left Jackson and roamed the snowy trails. For several hours they explained everything there was to know about the infected. She asks lots of questions, trying to gather as much information as possible.

“They lost their mind, their conscience, but their bodies stay human, at least at the beginning. So yeah, a stab in the neck, to the carotid artery, and it's over."

In a low voice, she repeats what she has just learned, to be sure that she knows everything and reacts when the time comes. She would hate herself for not being ready and having to improvise. Risking the lives of her friends. But for now, the trip is calm. They did not meet anyone, and the three companions could therefore enjoy the landscapes covered in snow.

It was a strange feeling for her who had left the walls of her QZ only to find Jackson's. When she was sold, she had remained under the influence of drugs for much of the trip and had seen nothing of the road traveled. She breathes deeply this big space, this freedom never known. Her eyes shine, with cold of course, but above all with joy. A spark that Joel doesn’t miss, content to have pushed her to join them.

At midday, they stop at what must have been a ski resort, made up of a hotel and a few shops. After a quick meal, Joel suggests to Chloe that they take a look at the bookstore to expand her collection. Tommy announces that he’s going to stay around, hopping to play his sniper.

As she walks the shelves, it feels like Christmas. Yet the store has long been looted. There is glass everywhere, torn and moldy books on the floor. But a few copies miraculously survived, just waiting to be recovered. She walks to another room in the back. It's darker there, but she's sure to find some treasures.

Suddenly she feels gripped down. Her fingernails dig into the arm whose hand covers her mouth. It's Joel. He lets go of her gently, gesturing for her to be silent. A sound gives her goosebumps. A clicking sound. Then another sound escapes from the room. Like someone who is tortured, who trembles, who suffers. A runner and a clicker, if she remembers correctly. Maybe more.

Joel thinks quickly. _Where do they come from?_ And Tommy is not with them. They were stupid to separate like this, what were they thinking, this is her first outing. She knows how to shoot, but could she do it in the face of infected? And if there were more hidden, they would find themselves overpowered after the sound of the gunshot attracted them.

The runner approaches the counter where they are hidden, its head shaking as if trying to eject the intruder in its brain. Joel lets it step forward slowly. When it finally gets to his level, he grabs it and wraps his arm around its neck, depriving of oxygen and blood flow, lulling the creature that once was a human being to sleep forever.

A few feet from him, Chloe watches the man act, an unknown expression on his face. Pure survival. Pure violence. It's impressive. Terrifying, even. But she doesn't show it. She concentrates, alert, ready to flee or fight. He motioned for her to follow him. They have to get out of this room, to get back outside.

From the window, he sees Tommy moving stealthily. _Shit, there must be many_ , the elder thinks. His brother joins them without delay, confirming his fears. There is a whole group that has approached. Not enough to be a horde, but too many for just the two of them to take on, especially with a novice to protect.

Dodge is their only solution. Deciding to move from side doors to side doors, they instruct Chloe to follow them. In one of the stores, two infected block their way to join their mounts. The two men motion to her to stay hidden while they deal with it.

She doesn't take her eyes off them for a moment, her whole-body alert. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a runner is about to jump on Joel. Without thinking, she comes out of her hiding place and jumps on it. With a stab of her knife, she cuts off its carotid artery. As Joel told her casually a few hours before. Stunned by her gesture, she looks at the blood flowing on her blade. The two men look at her, shocked but not without a touch of pride. In the distance, other infected can be heard.

Joel grabs her hand and pulls her after him, while Tommy throws a bottle in the opposite direction to save them some time. They move quickly to reach the horses, the snow muffling the sound of their footsteps. By the time the infected hear the hooves, they are already out of reach.

\--------

The road back goes in silence. If a few words were exchanged between the two brothers, it was without her noticing. She had never been so relieved as when she saw Jackson's walls. As the two men dismount, she does not move. Joel notices and teases her.

“Are you spending your night up there? Hey, you’re alright?”

He walks up to her, worried. She is prostrate on her mount, her body shaking with all her might. Adrenaline had kept her fearless all through that trying afternoon. Now that she knows she is safe, her nerves are failing. She finds it hard to breathe, like she is swallowing her own lungs until she suffocates.

“It’s ok, it’s over. I’m gonna help you down, ok?”

She manages to nod as Joel's arms slide around her waist. He gently holds her and helps her sit on a crate next to them. He crouches down in front of her, his hand resting on her knee in a reassuring grip.

"Take a deep breath. It will be fine."

He remains talking to her softly, no matter how long it would take for her to feel better. Tommy takes care of their horses, leaving the young woman in the hands of his brother. He knows that this is not the first time he has to deal with her panic attacks. When the blond man comes out of the stables, she has recovered a bit.

"How about a drink to get over our emotions?"

She nods vigorously at the idea, making the two men laugh. She leans on Joel to stand up, who supports her for a few more feet, while she regains full control of her body. At the bar, she gulped down her drink, finally managing to speak, her voice higher and louder than usual.

“Shit that was scary. Seriously, how did you survive to outbreak?! And 20 years of this? My god it was awful."

Smiles are sketched on the lips of her companions, but also on those of the people around who have noticed the shaken look of the young woman. Maria joined them, looking half laughing, half worried. She had not totally approved of this idea. Usually, to patrol you had to go through training, then start by going out with a group. This patrol was more than irregular. But her husband had insisted so much that she eventually gave in. She now wonders if she had done well, seeing the slight tremors still shaking the hands of her young protégé.

"I understand that it was an eventful outing?

\- Well, let's say that now she knows what infected look like.

\- First and last time I do this. I'll never leave this town again. Heck, I might stop leaving the house.”

Maria laughs softly and puts her hand on hers.

“You're safe here. And these two told me you have quite the reflexes, so don't be too worried.

-You should have seen that, she didn't hesitate for a single second. And without a sound! "

Tommy continues to compliment Chloe as she discreetly looks up at Joel. She doesn't really know what she's looking for in the man right now. That he confirms what his brother said? He's rather stingy on compliments, turning everything into a sarcastic comment.

But not this time. His gaze is a mixture of gentleness and approval, like pride. And also a glimmer that she cannot read. They stare at each other without blinking for long seconds, until Tommy suggests they go have dinner. She reluctantly leaves this silent solace to follow the couple who have already risen.

\------------------

Entering the house, they don't bother turning on the lights. The moon's rays illuminate the interior sufficiently, imparting a cold and soothing aura to perfectly end this day. As the young woman begins to climb the stairs, Joel stops her, gently resting his hand on hers.

"You've been brave today. It wasn't an easy thing, dealing with all these infected. But you stayed quiet and alert, you didn't let your fear overcome you. That's really something, believe me."

She smiles to thank him. A flutter is felt, like an electric tension that would like to bring them closer while their gaze plunged into one another.

A noise outside pulls them out of this timeless contact. He mumbles that he's going to go see what it is, that she should better go to bed. She nods and goes up, feeling his gaze still on her.

When Joel wakes up later that night, he notices her presence near him. He smiles. She really knows how to move silently when she decides to. Surely she could make a good patroller if she wanted to.

His eyes close, and he falls asleep on the image of the young woman's finally peaceful face beside him.


	14. The last secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Physical & psychological violence, mention of rape. Should be the last one, after it will just be fluff and love and sweet moments (well, until we reach Part II events… You know…)

Sleeping together has become like a tacit agreement between them. She joins him in the night while he is sleeping or pretending to be, when she is awakened by a nightmare or the fear of having one. He wakes up quietly in the morning, letting her store as much rest as possible.

He doesn't mind having her in his bed. Since they started, the nightmares have been fewer, less intense. When she has one, he just has to put his hand on her arm or her shoulder, for that immediately reassured by his presence, she lies down and goes back to sleep.

When they see each other during the day, they don't talk about it. Like nothing ever happened. Or like it was a normal thing. That’s why she’s surprised that morning when he brings it up as she absently pours herself a cup of tea, gazing into her book.

" You're gonna have to sleep in your room tonight.

-Why, you're expecting company?”

He remains desperately silent. She looks up from her book, taken aback.

"Shit, you are?"

He laughs softly. The old smug.

"No, Tommy came by when you were upstairs. He needs me for a long patrol, we'll probably be out for two or three days.

-You trust me to keep the house?

\- Yeah. Let's face it, if one of us were to burn it down, it would probably be me while trying to cook."

She laughs softly at the idea and doesn't seem afraid of the announcement, which relieves Joel. Before that, he often had to patrol for several days, or at least spend the night in one of the outposts when it was too late to return. But since her arrival, he'd been content with daytime patrols, making sure he was always at home in the evening so that she wasn't left alone for too long.

This time, Maria really needed him. The task was about getting rid of as many infected as possible to secure the surroundings before more hordes came in and got the situation out of control. The expression on Chloe's face is peaceful and she returned to reading her book. She looks fine, but in her head, it's panic.

_He’s leaving me alone._

“Are you going to be okay?

-Hm? Yeah, of course.

-I'm sure you could stay with Maria if you want to. It won't bother her.

-Joel I'm no longer a little girl, I can stay home alone. And I can ask Ellie to keep me company, I'll make her some good meals, we'll take the opportunity to complain about you. And then I can put my music on full blast. It’s going to be cool actually! Are you leaving already?”

He laughs and leaves her to go get ready. Alone in the kitchen, she spins the liquid in her cup, concentrating on the movement so as not to be overwhelmed by her emotions. She's safe in this town. She doesn't need him to protect her. She will be fine. She must be fine.

\----------------

“She’s very talented.”

Chloe watches the drawings spread out in front of her. Ellie went to pick up her friend's work to show it to her host, as they had just finished dinner.

“Cat told me that someday if I want, she could cover my scar with a tattoo.

-She can do that?

-She says so.

-I’d like to meet her, make her come for dinner tomorrow.”

The teenager nods before picking up the papers, as precious as treasure. They walk into the living room to watch the movie Ellie brought. The Corpse Bride. As soon as the DVD has been launched, Chloe finds herself stuck in front of this universe so different, so poetic. It's something other than those crazy '80s movies Joel loves so much.

_I feel my heart is aching._

_Though it doesn’t beat, it’s breaking._

_And the pain here that I feel,_

_Try and tell me it’s not real._

When the credits roll, she feels overwhelmed by strong emotions, like every time she finishes a work of art. So much beauty existed in the world before. So many talents that could be expressed through the arts. Once again, she can't help but wonder if humanity will ever find such treasures again. She snaps out of her thoughts as Ellie stands up.

“Do you want to see another one?

-Nah, I have to go to sleep. I'm on farm rotation tomorrow. That sucks.

-You don't like farming?

-It's boring. I'd rather go on patrol.

-Ugh, I don't!" Chloe says, recalling her recent experience.

The teenager leaves the house, leaving her in silence. She closes her arms around her legs, suddenly feeling lost in these big walls. To chase away her anxieties, she puts on another film. Then another. Then music.

The night is already well under way when she finally decides to go up to her room. She lets out a little sound of surprise as she turns on the light. On her bed, his t-shirt. The one he wears to sleep. One way for him to be present despite his absence. Her heart twitches, touched by this attention.

As she lies down, she holds the garment close to her. She lets her mind wander. She thinks of him and Tommy, out somewhere in the cold. She hopes all goes well for them. She certainly hasn't forgotten the appalling sounds, the disfigured faces of these monstrous beings. But she knows they can defend themselves.

She often thinks back to that day. Joel's arms strangling this runner like it was nothing. With a movement as natural as pouring her a glass of water or helping her cook dinner. She should probably be scared of this man who could break her in one gesture. But she's not. On the contrary. She hasn't been so comfortable with anyone for a long time. Maybe ever.

\--------------

She isn't sleeping when she hears him fidgeting that night, a few days after he came back from patrol. She drops the book she was reading in her room to go to his. He mumbles words in his sleep while moving uncontrollably. No doubt he's having a nightmare. She walks over to him and gently squeezes his shoulder to bring him back to reality.

A start takes him as he opens his eyes, his face immediately moving to that of the young woman standing next to him. She hands him the glass of water that was on his nightstand. He drinks it as he watches her. Despite the late hour, she had not come to sleep next to him.

“Looks like for once I'm not the one with bad dreams.

-Yeah, it happens to everyone, I guess. Why ain’t you sleeping, did I wake up?

-No, I just couldn’t.

-Why?”

She doesn't answer right away, walking over to the dresser where a picture of Ellie has joined that of Sarah. Photography, another wonder from the past. And even more wonderful is the fact that there are still devices that can work. She slides her finger on the wood distractedly.

“The movie…

-Because of what Ellie said? That she would rather die than be a stripper? I know you were working there, she didn't mean to be rude to your friends you know. She just a kid who doesn’t know much.

-I wasn’t just working there Joel. I was one of them. I danced too.

-You did?

-Just on the main stage. Talia was overprotective, she didn't want me to go among men. Until Cyril. The one who taught me how to handle guns, remember? He was young but he controlled much of the QZ’s underground activities. He came to see me often, until one day he decided to kiss me and take me to his place. I never went back to the club. Not as a dancer, I mean. Life has been good for quite a long time. Then his business started to sink, and so did we.”

\----------

_She lifts her face to the grey sky, closing her eyes to better feel the air caress her skin. She has no idea yet that this gesture is about to be taken from her for what will seem like forever. It has been over a week now since they left their apartment for that cubbyhole at the other end of the QZ. Cyril promised her it was temporary, that they would have to keep a low profile while he sorted out his problems. She’s not even allowed out, but by dint of persuasion, she managed to convince the man in charge of her protection to let her out for 5 minutes. She's suffocating in this tiny studio that stinks of humidity. She snaps out of her daydreaming when someone grabs her sharply, pushing her inside. Cyril._

_“What the fuck are you doing out, someone could spot you._

_-I just needed some air, I am suffocating here. And you walk the streets, anyone could follow you, don’t blame it all on me._

_-Ok, ok, calm down. It doesn’t matter anymore, we’re leaving now._

_-Where to?_

_-A guy can get us out of QZ and drive us to Mexico. He has a business there and he wants me to help him.”_

_She remains shocked by this announcement, before getting angry. She doesn't want to leave. She can't. She has always lived here. Here where she has Talia, her friends. She can't just leave everything like this. They argue fiercely, one of those arguments where you can't even hear what the other is saying, so focused on your own rage._

_The battle ends with her in tears, abandoned in a corner as he begins to gather his things. He closes his suitcase with trembling hands. Despite all his worries, hearing her so distraught is the one that pains him the most. He comes up to her, gently kissing her wet cheeks. A delicacy he hasn't had for a long time._

_"I'm sorry baby, I know I messed up, but I'll make it up you'll see. We're going to have a good time under the sun. There's even the sea over there. You can lie on the beach every day, sip cocktails and in the evening, we will lie down together in one of those houses that don't even need a window. We are going to have the good life, you will see. Please. Don't give up on me now. "_

_She gives up to his pleas. She lets herself be convinced. Maybe life will be much better there. She kisses him and presses her body against him desperately. Too bad for Talia and the others. Too bad for her memories. Their tinged with tears kisses are getting stronger, more passionate. Their hands seek each other's skin, eagerly undoing the barrier of clothing._

_They make love. One last time._

\-----------

“They showed up without warning. We should have been gone for hours but Cyril had let me rest. If we had left immediately as he had planned ... "

Her fingers cling on the dresser now. She doesn’t want to talk about what followed. She doesn’t want to relive this scene again. But maybe... Maybe it's time to let go of this story. Tears roll silently down her cheeks as she prepares to give Joel the last sordid details of her past.

“I was still asleep when he appeared in the apartment with his men. Samuel Blair. He had been eyeing Cyril's empire for years. Little by little, he managed to gain ground and take over his business. All he needed was to cut off his head. His henchmen grabbed Cyril and started hitting him. Then he turned to me. You should have seen his smile when he saw that I was there. Another power complex. He took his enemy's business, position and he would take his woman as the final trophy. "

She pauses for a moment to catch her breath. She still turns her back to Joel, unable to face him.

“Cyril… He wanted to break free, he was fighting as best he could, but he was helpless. When Samuel was done with me, he stood up to finish what he had come for. Slowly, to make his sick pleasure last. I don't know how long it lasted. Hours it seems. Cyril died in excruciating pain, and I didn’t even give him any comfort, my voice tearing apart as these men used me.

When it was over, Samuel turned to me. I thought he was going to kill me. I was hoping he was going to kill me. But he decided he had better things to do with my body than to turn it into a corpse. That others might want to pay to use me like he did.”

Her voice dies away, and she slides down the closed bathroom door, suddenly overcome with fatigue. He remained seated on his bed throughout her story. He gets up and wants to approach but she puts her hand up in front of her to stop him. She is really crying now.

“No Joel. Don't come near. You can't comfort me. Not when I'm the only one responsible.

-No you’re not.

-Yes, I am. He told me, as he dragged me behind him to bring me to his cesspool. He had seen me dance and tease everyone. Cyril became soft because of me, he lost everything because I distracted him. I had it coming. It was only a matter of time before I became a whore. It was my destiny.

-Samuel said that to break you. He would have found anything to convince you that it was your fault. It was a technique to make you think you deserved what happened to you, to keep you submissive. It's not your fault. They used you as a pawn. But it’s not your fault. Nothing could have stopped them. "

He is kneeling in front of her now. One hand is holding her chin so that she looks at him, the other is behind her neck, both soft and firm, as if he wants to convince her with his body language.

“And you know what, he didn't make it. Otherwise you wouldn't have defended yourself in the forest. Otherwise you wouldn't be here with me, fighting with all your might to get over it. He didn't break you. You won."

He gently kisses her temple as she plunges her face against his chest, seeking refuge there as the sobs take control of her body. He sits in a more comfortable position and pulls her against him. He rocks her gently, letting her cry her heart out until she falls asleep, finally freed from her secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not happy with this chapter at all (and with the story globally). I think I’m writing Joel way off his character and that I’m just doing too much with her story. It should be the last one where she’s talking about her past anyway. Thanks for still sticking with me, even silently!


	15. Talking about boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used in this chapter is from 2016, please ignore the anachronism. The ending of this chapter feels a bit weird but I lacked of idea, so sorry about that too.

AronChupa - Little Swing

The man is surprised as he walks through the diner door. The usual folk music has been replaced by a kind of dance-electro. Behind the bar, Chloe bursts out laughing. As he walks forward, he watches her dance and chat happily with Dereck, a young man around her age who works with her today. They seem close. Very close. When Joel leans on the counter, she greets him with a big smile.

“Hey roomie!

\- Does Seth know the kind of music you're playing when he's not here?

\- Nope

\- Aren't you afraid he'll kick you out?

\- We’re taking the control of the city, Old Man, one song at a time.”

She laughs and winks at her coworker, which Joel doesn’t fail to notice. Then she turns her back to him, dancing to the beat as she brews a drink. He can't help but watch her body movements, probably too lustful for the time and place.

“So in your plan, you don't ask your clients what they want?

\- Chill Old Man. I'm not asking you what you want, because you’ll say coffee, a painful conversation will follow where I’ll tell you that you can’t have any. Honestly, I prefer to dance a bit before giving you your usual.”

She serves him a cup with a wink, before walking away to the kitchen, still dancing as if this is the most normal thing to do. He now understands why there are so many people staying at the counter today. So many men. But what can he say? Doesn't he do the same every time she is behind the bar? He quickly drives this idea out of his mind. If he's here it's just to chat with her. It’s totally innocent.

“Your kid is wild today.” Says the man to his left, pointing to where she had disappeared.

“She’s nor a kid, nor mine.” He answers harshly, his eyes cold as stone.

“You should change your tone then, because right now you sound like of a father ready to meet his daughter's boyfriend.

\- She’s not my daughter, but it doesn’t mean you should go after her.”

He puts down his mug half full before leaving the premises. He was about to make a remark to the other man about his age, before remembering that himself could no longer be classified as a man worthy of her. Sometimes he forgets. Then he sees his white hair in the mirror, feels his body slowing down, and the harsh reality hits him. He’s no longer 30 years old. He’s on the downward slope, and if the young woman's cheerfulness can sometimes make him feel younger, often their age gap hits him even harder.

“Joel is gone?”

Chloe reappears from the kitchen, searching for the man with her eyes. But he is no longer there. She can't help but be disappointed. Yet she knows very well that in a few hours they will meet again and spend time together, that they will be able to discuss much better than here. But she still wanted to see him a little more. This pinch quickly escapes as she has to deal with her clients.

\----------

“You seemed to have fun earlier with Derek.

-I did, he's really funny. I'm happy when we have the same shifts. We have a lot more fun than with Seth.”

Silence falls in the kitchen as she reads the recipe she is performing. He leans against one of the counters, watching her work while drinking a beer, a gesture that had almost become a ritual of their evenings. After several sips close together, he dares to ask the question he has been brooding all day.

“Are you two... A thing?

-What, with Derek? No, we’re just friends. He’s like a brother.

-Ouch, I hope he feels the same, otherwise it’s harsh for the poor guy. The friendzone, we used to call that.

-You speak knowingly? Who is the crazy woman who dared to friendzone the great Joel Miller?” She asks with an intonation that makes him laugh.

“Actually, I was the crazy man.

\- Really?! Ok, now you have to tell me more about it.

\- What can I say. It was just this neighbor who cared a lot about me and Sarah, she came to visit us unexpectedly every now and then. She brought us food, to “help me’’ with Sarah. I think the single father side was an attractive card back then.

\- Yeah, your face was an attractive card, I saw the picture.” He laughs again before resuming his story.

“She was nice, and quite pretty I must admit. But it was too much for me to handle. I worked a lot to pay for the house, to provide for our needs. And when I wasn't working, I gave Sarah all my time. And then I didn't want my daughter to get attached to her to finally see her disappear from our lives because things would have gone wrong between us. I had already given for that.

\- Why did you keep seeing her then?

\- Because it was nice to have an adult other than Tommy or my workmates to talk to. Besides, I was flattered to have someone who cared so much about me. I guess… It reminded me that I was still a man and not only a father. Of course it was selfish of me, and I made her suffer...

\- Well, it’s not like… Oh no… You didn’t sleep with her, did you?”

He doesn't respond with words, but the expression on his face leaves little interpretation.

“Wo, that's awful Joel.

\- Have you ever listened to my stories? That’s the one you’re reacting to? You know I'm not a nice man, right?

\- Yeah, but that's different.

\- Wait... Are you saying that killing people is less bad than sleeping with a girl without wanting to give her more?

\- Ok, put like that... But I don’t know. The context isn’t the same. I don't know, I'm not a freaking philosopher. All that to say, no, there is nothing between Derek and me, and no there is no friendzone.”

Silence settles back as she stirs the sauce.

“Honestly, I'm not sure I'll have a relationship with anyone again. Not because I don't want to or because I'm traumatized forever. But I've met Jackson's men, and I don't think I can confide in any of them. Even though I have some good buddies that I like to chat with, I don't think I could tell them what I said to you or Tommy. I'm not sure they could understand it. Most have been here for a very long time, they don’t realize what it is like to be out there. I'm not sure a man can handle to handle dating a woman with my past. And even though it's my past, and I'm starting to get over it and leave it behind, I think it's still important that the person who shares my life knows that. Does it make any sense?

\- It does.

\- And then it's hard to really know people. How can you be sure that someone is the right one? With Cyril, it was nice and warm, having someone caring for me after all this time on my own. But looking back, I realize it wasn't a healthy relationship. Today I'd rather be alone than with a man like him. The problem wasn't that he did bad things, I mean, haven't we all to survive this shit? But because how he treated me. He would hold me, mistreat me, and then come back to cover me with gifts and sweet words because he didn't want to lose me, or be alone, or I don’t know what. And drugs. It's one thing to sell them. But using them is different. I think I could have ended up a junkie if it weren’t for Talia vigilance. I guess that’s why he didn’t like when I was spending too much time with her. He felt like losing control over me. No, I don’t want that anymore.

-We’re not good with love, are we.” Joel whispers almost to himself after a few minutes, but she hears him anyway and nods absently. They won't say anything until dinner.

Each lost with their ghosts from the past.


	16. A smell of burnt

A strong smell of burnt greets Joel when he comes home. Worried, he rushes into the kitchen where smoke seems to be rising. He finds Chloe, swearing all she can as she pulls a charred dish out of the oven. His worry gone, a mocking smile appears on his lips. It's time to give her some change. Karma. He starts teasing her.

"What? How could you burn your dish? It's so simple."

She decides to ignore him, trying to save what may be from this failed dinner. She had been inattentive for barely a moment, and here was the result.

" _But it's so easy_ " He's now speaking roughly mimicking her voice. She turns around, looking annoyed.

"You're done?

- _Truly, I don't get it_.''

That he tries to speak like her is probably what bothers her the most. Impulsively, she throws her soaked towel in his face.

"Ok, you're going to regret that."

He gives her a mock threatening look and she realizes she has to run. Without hesitating, she heads for the laundry room and flees through the garden. She hides behind the gate and throws a snowball at her pursuer, before setting off again through the greenhouses, deserted at this late hour of the afternoon.

Hidden behind one of the structures, she remains on alert. But she no longer sees him, no longer hears him. Has he given up? Suddenly, she feels her body capsize. He drops her gently on the snow. He is now leaning over her, a smirk on his face.

"So, you're giving up?"

She lifts her arms in surrender, a big smile on her lips. She realizes how close their faces are. So close it would take a simple extension of her neck to kiss him. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't tempted. But approaching steps interrupt the flow of her mind. Twisting her head back, she sees Maria coming closer.

"What are you two doing?

-He's attacking me!

-She began" he says stoically as he stands up, suddenly regaining his usual seriousness. The young woman sighs and gets up in turn, shaking her sweater.

"I'm all wet now, thanks Joel. Joke's on you, if I'm sick you'll be the one to have to take care of me."

The blonde's gaze moves back and forth between them, trying to figure out what just happened. At least Chloe seems to be doing well. But had her serious and stoic brother-in-law really just embarked on a childish chase? She finds it hard to believe it, and yet that is the only rational explanation. She lets go of her thoughts, following the two roommates inside to talk to Joel about his next patrol.

\-----

Abba - SOS

| So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, S.O.S.

The love you gave me, nothing else can save me, S.O.S. |

Joel sighs before taking a sip of his beer. He can only blame himself, nobody forced him, he's the one who decided to come and listen to her sing tonight. In front of the people of Jackson, Molly and Chloe perform their best covers of songs from the past. He still doesn't like Abba, but oddly when it's her singing, a big smile lighting up her face, then it doesn't seem so bad to him.

He is happy to see her like this. Beaming. How different she is from the young woman he'd brought back to Jackson months before. The one who had been frightened that he would hit her for a broken glass. The one who used to wake up every night screaming. The one they could have lost.

Her demons are not gone, far from it, but since she told her whole story, she seems to be coming back up the slope, to live with her past. She has fewer nightmares, and now rarely slips into his bed in the middle of the night. He continues to wake up though, convinced that he has slept too soundly to hear her needing him. But each time, it's the silence of the night that welcomes his awakening. Sometimes he gets up to make sure, always finding her sleeping peacefully in her room.

He's glad she came back up that way. And yet he sometimes misses her nocturnal presence. Her calm breathing which rocks his insomnia. Her serene face that reassures him, as if telling him that everything would be fine for him too.

More importantly, the more weeks go by, the less he sees her as someone he needs to help, and more as a full woman. An attractive woman whom he finds himself thinking more and more often, as a man can think of a woman. This prospect worries him a little. He stops thinking about it and refocuses on the present moment. They started a new song. Unsurprisingly, this is a song by Lana Del Rey.

She had told him once. She like many artists, but her favorite remains Lana. Sadness, desire, anger, it seems to her that the singer had a song for each of her emotions, for each moment of her life. And this song is no exception.

Lana Del Rey - Summertime sadness

|Oh, my God, I feel it in the air  
Telephone wires above are sizzlin' like a snare  
Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere  
Nothin' scares me anymore|

Every time he hears her sing this passage, he laughs inside. Does she even remember the phone lines and their deafening sound after the rain? Probably not. She was just a little girl at the time. How could she remember all these sounds, all these images.

He often hears her sing, when she cooks or does the housework, without even realizing that he is there and that he can hear her. Maybe she doesn't mind that he's a spectator, even when she has to repeat a sentence a few times to be sure to sing the right note. He doesn't have that ease. He does more than well on the guitar, but he rarely dares to show his skills to others. It was only recently that he performed for her, after she harassed him from night to morning, morning to night. And today it's her who stands fearlessly in front of everyone. He knows he's looking at her too intently, that he should turn his head. But he can't take his eyes off her.

This gaze, she meets it. It unsettles her a bit. She's never seen Joel with that expression and she's not sure what it means. But she doesn't feel uncomfortable either. She likes to have the looks on her. It makes her feel like she has a superpower. That of captivating people.

Her fingers close around the microphone stand as her voice invades the room, the piano discreetly accompanying her. She closes her eyes and lets herself be carried away by the song, as she has seen it in old movies. These women were always gorgeous, sensual, and mesmerizing. She hoped that by copying their gestures she could achieve the same effect on her spectators.

And for a few minutes, just forgetting who she is.

\-------------

"It was a beautiful evening."

She whispers, her head resting against the wall around the front door. Joel nods as he opens it. As often, neither of them turns on the lights. They both love the intimacy that the darkness offers, far from artificial lights that cast a light that is too strong, too harsh, to be able to discuss, or just appreciate the silent presence of the other. The light compels insignificant chatter about the weather or life in the community. You can't get to know each other in broad daylight. It takes cover of the night to tame someone. To get closer. Dark allows silence to make its place, comfortably.

Still euphoric from the stage, and the few drinks that followed, she sings and dances softly. She doesn't want to sleep, so she slips into the living room and turns on the stereo. No matter what CD is in there, it will do. All she wants is to move a bit to burn off the last hint of energy that inhabits her. Bad luck, the rising notes reveal a slow song. She turns to the man standing in the doorway. She holds out her hand to him, but he doesn't react.

Archive – Again

"Come on Joel, I can't danse alone on that.

\- I'm sure you'll find a way."

He can't really see the expression on her face in the dark, but he hears her sigh and her head tilt to the side in annoyance. _Fine_ , he mutters before approaching her. He takes her hand in his, while sliding the other one on her waist.

If I was to walk away  
From you, my love  
Could I laugh again?

You're killing me again  
Am I still in your head?

She would like to rest her forehead against his chest, but she feels a tension between them. This dance is nothing like the one they shared in the fall, prompted by Eugene. It seems less light, less innocent. She doesn't really know why. If you look at it objectively, other than that she told him a bit more of her story, and sometimes sleeps close to him, there hasn't been any real change. Except perhaps, a greater complicity. And some looks that don't give off quite the same thing as it did weeks ago.

She lifts her head and their eyes lock, electric. It would only take one of them to move forward for this to happen. For them to kiss. She holds her breath, anticipating a movement that ultimately doesn't come. Because Joel is pulling away, even though the song isn't over.

"It's late, you should go to bed."

She says his name softly as she tries to get his gaze back, but he walks out of the room muttering that he needs to do something. The front door closes, and silence fills the house, despite the music continuing to play. She is not sure she understands what just happened. With a sigh, she turns off the stereo and goes up to her room.

Outside, Joel wanders aimlessly the streets around his home. As his footsteps crunch in the snow, he keeps hearing Chloe's voice saying his name. The intonation she used. Again, that of a woman. A woman who wants to hold back a man who means something to her. A man he shouldn't be.

When he returns, he finds the door of the young woman closed for the first time. She won't come to join him in the night either, despite a nightmare that wakes her up. She isn't angry, or even upset. She just remains in the dark, only guessing that he needs some space. She plays back the movie of the evening, trying to remember if she did something wrong. But her mind keeps returning to their dance, close together. She wishes he hadn't cut it short. She felt so good in his arms that she could have stayed there indefinitely.

Maybe that's the problem.

What had once been an innocent, cordial relationship was turning into something far more powerful. And far more destructive.

Desire.


	17. || Part II - 2036 ||

||Hiding in shadows where we don't belong

Living in darkness to hide our wrongs

You and me at the dark end of the street

We have to pay for the love that we stole

It's a sin and we know it's wrong

They're gonna to find us||

_James Carr - The Dark End of the Street_

_Photo - Krista Mangulsone_


	18. A cold and broken Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, for once the || lyrics are sang by Joel. I know I talk about Leonard Cohen, but he’s actually singing Jeff Buckley version, if you want to listen to it (and I’d die for Troy Baker to sing it, because I do hear it in my head and it’s wonderful).

Lying on her back, her eyes fixed on the ceiling of her bedroom, Chloe revisits the events of the previous days. Since that interrupted dance, things have been weird with Joel. It's not like he's pushing her away, he remains cordial. But things have changed. He does more patrols, longer ones. Herself does more nights shifts at the bar. They barely pass each other in the kitchen, him coming home, her leaving it, still letting him a plate ready for his dinner.

When they have a little more time together, their conversations don't sound like much. She tries to maintain it, but with little result. He almost only answers in monosyllables. She always ends up giving up, diving back into her book, or putting on some music to fill the silence. To silence the voice inside her that says " _He doesn't want to be here with you_."

And yet, he didn't stop thinking about her during his patrols. As soon as they have a break, his mind returns home, where he imagines her making dinner, laughing out loud at a movie. Dance. This vision inevitably brings him back to that night. That night when he almost crossed the line and kissed her.

She also remembers this dance. She had drunk a little, but she felt good. She remembers the proximity, his scent that had become familiar and reassuring to her. His hands holding her firmly but without violence. And their eyes clinging.

This can’t go on. She needs to clear things up with him, even though it may hurt her. She doesn't want this cold, distant relationship. And if that means they won't be dancing together, that she won't be able to share his bed to sleep, she accepts it. But she wants to find back the conversations, the complicity. The silence. Comfortable silence, not one of those weird silences where no one knows whether to speak or leave the room. She gets out of bed and goes to his bedroom, determined to wait there all night if needed.

Without turning on the light, she slips into the room. The moon is reflected on the furniture. She lets her fingers run over the dresser. There is a bit of dust, she hasn't come to clean for a few days. She no longer dares to enter the room, as if suddenly she was no longer in her place.

Then she folds up the sheet to properly remake the bed. Funny how no matter if he sleeps alone or accompanied, he remains on his side. She would like to dive between the sheets to find his reassuring smell. To finally be able to sleep peacefully. Because contrary to what Joel thinks, she still has nightmares. When he’s not there, they’re even inevitable. That's why she volunteers to stand guard at night, on the wall, or to work on the last bar shift. So she can sleep during the day, when it's a little less scary to wake up alone. But she never told him about it. She doesn't really know why. She had always confessed this kind of things to him until then. Was it so as not to overwhelm him? So that he doesn't keep seeing her as someone to fix?

 _That's it._ She doesn't want him to fix her anymore. She wants him to see her for the woman she is. She ended up like all these singles women she was talking when they first danced. They have all eyes on the lottery of which Joel is the prize. And now she's also taken a ticket. She doesn't really know how it happened. At what point does her way of seeing him changed? After one of their many late-night conversations? After a movie watched together? Does it matter after all, now that it's here, very present? She’s not sure it's reasonable for her to have these kinds of thoughts, this kind of urge. _Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman with my past_. That’s what Lana del Rey sang in one of her songs. She knows only too well how right she was.

Stepping around the bed, she reaches for the man's guitar. She touches the strings, pulling a not very harmonious sound. Then she looks at the records and decides to put one on. No matter how much she looks, she can't find the one she wants, so she falls back on a sure bet, Janis Joplin. But she would have preferred to listen to Leonard Cohen. He brought her back to a happy memory a few weeks ago.

\----

_She begged him over and over. One of those nights when neither of them can sleep, he decides to take action. In the dark, as always. Where privacy can be created. Where there is no more shame, no more embarrassment._

_“_ I’m _going to take it easy, you promise me you won't cry?_

_-Why would I cry?_

_-Because you cry all the time. You’re pretty when you cry, but I don’t want you to._

_-I don’t cry that often._

_-You cry to all movies._

_-Not true!_

_-One word: Interstellar._

_\- Ok, Tommy was crying too. And I could swear I saw you tearing up._

_-I doubt you saw anything with that flow of tears in your eyes. But fair enough, it was a bad example. But Mama Mia. You cried on an Abba musical movie._

_-Yeah well... That's called being human and having feelings, Mister-cold-as-rock. And I think I read somewhere that art is supposed to stir emotions in us. So if your song is sad, and I cry, it means that you interpreted it well and that you are therefore a not so bad artist.”_

_He laughs softly as he tunes his guitar, wielding the strings a little more than necessary. Just to save a little time. Suddenly he feels embarrassed to have a spectator. Even if it's her. Especially if that's her? He chose a song he knows will please her. He knows that his embarrassment is not just about singing in front of someone. This song is a bit of himself, told by someone else._

_Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah_

_| Your faith was strong but you needed proof_

_You saw her bathing on the roof_

_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya_

_She tied you to a kitchen chair_

_She broke your throne, and she cut your hair_

_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah|_

_Joel is immersed in his music. He no longer pays attention to time or space. All that remains is his voice and his fingers tirelessly roam his guitar. Yet near him, a woman looks at him with a new eye. She knew his voice, but she never imagined she would feel so much hearing it being used as an instrument. She hasn't moved an inch since the song started. She barely breathes, emotion clenching in her lungs. He doesn't see it, but he won his bet. Tears slide down the young woman's cheeks, without her realizing it._

_|Baby, I've been here before_

_I know this room, I've walked this floor_

_I used to live alone before I knew you_

_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch_

_Love is not a victory march_

_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah |_

\----

Now seated in the armchair by the window, she watches the cemetery trees move with the night breeze. Although the music is playing, it's his own voice that she hears in her head. _All I've ever learned from love, was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you_. It is no longer the tears that rise, but a heat in her stomach. That deep voice that had made her shiver so much, she would now give anything to hear it sing again. She begins to imagine herself dancing against him, his voice whispering in her ear.

But the time is no longer for daydreaming.

Downstairs, the front door has just closed.

He’s home.


	19. Honey, nothing's going to harm you now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning : light smut

Joel puts his backpack in the entrance, exhausted from his long patrol. The house looks empty, but he knows she's there. As usual, she left her shoes carelessly on the middle of the path. He sighs as he realigns them against the wall, where they should have been from the start. She boasts of doing a lot of the housework, but truth be told, she's also the one making the most of the mess.

In the kitchen, she left him something to eat as she always does. He nibbles a few pieces before putting the plate away. He just wants to find the comfort of his bedroom. He dreams of a hot shower, but the capricious plumbing of the house would make it way too long. For tonight, he will be satisfied with a quick wash with cold water. He can't complain, he's been through a lot worse.

As he climbs the stairs, he hears music coming out of his bedroom. He pauses for a moment on the steps, trying to prepare for what lies ahead. She's going to want to talk. About things that are uncomfortable for him to bring up. What he feels. When she's near him, when her body brushes his, when she probes him with her hazel eyes. No, he can't tell her. It's not right. He can't want these things. She deserves better.

He walks into the room and there she is, in the dark. Sitting in his chair, she stares out the window as an old Janis Joplin vinyl creaks. She doesn't seem to have noticed his presence. He enjoys this pleasant sight for a last moment before speaking softly.

"Hey.

-Hey. Sorry for intruding, I just wanted to listen to some music.

-It's ok.

-You're coming home late.

-Yeah, it took us a bit longer than we thought to clean the place but it's ok now. It was a good patrol.

-Good."

He comes closer, leaning against the bedframe. Silence falls as they stare at each other. She should speak, clear things up as she wished. But a new song fills the room, cutting off that shot. The young woman smiles softly.

Janis Joplin - Summertime

"I love this song

-Me too.

-Make me dance." She finally dares. He looks away, afraid of giving in to his desire to take her against him.

"I don't know...

-Joel, make me dance." She asks a little more confidently, standing up.

"We should not." He's whispering now, when she's dangerously close to him.

"It's ok. It's just us. It's just this room."

She's just inches from him. He doesn't want to resist anymore. He bows at her will and grabs her by the waist. This song doesn't give him much of a choice. Its rhythm imposes a close, sensual embrace. She doesn't even try to pretend anymore and puts her arms around his neck. When she looks into his eyes, what's coming next is just obvious.

She's looking good now,

Hush, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby,

No, no, no, no, don't you cry.

Their noses touch, their mouths brush without ever catching. And the game lasts until his hand slips on her neck gently to bring her face closer. They savor this kiss. A soft kiss, without passion or greed. Just a slow, sensual movement, like the rest of their embrace.

He puts one of his hands in the small of her back. Despite his growing desire, he doesn't move it an inch. He doesn't forget the past of the young woman. He refuses to be part of the long list of men who abused her.

Honey, nothing's going to harm you now,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Don't you cry

She slides her hands over his chest, and he feels a long-forgotten shiver. That of the desire that is about to be satisfied. Her thin fingers slowly begin to undo the buttons of his shirt. He puts his hand on hers, breaking the kiss. He doesn't say anything but staring into his dark eyes, she understands his question. So she returns to his lips in a reassuring gesture. Everything is fine. She's sure that's what she wants. Just tonight. Just this bed. Just him. His comforting presence, his protective body against hers. A way to erase everything and start over.

The shirt falls to the floor as the music continues to play. But no one is listening to it anymore. They are too busy with the music of their bodies. He lets her set the pace, ready to slow her down if necessary. He knows all too well what is about to happen. He's not sure it's right, but he can't think about it anymore. He gives up all resistance and lets himself dive into the moment.

As she gently pushes him back to the bed, she looks at his chest. Their bodies are not very different. Both have a skin printed with scars, sad memories of their pasts. Proud proof of survival.

Soon clothes are superfluous. Stripping her off, he runs his mouth over her body, pulling her out satisfied sighs that delight his ears. Her voice made hoarse with excitement rekindles in him an ardor long forgotten. He doesn't care anymore about the hours spent on patrol. He's no longer tired, he's no longer sore. Nothing else matters but the harmony of their bodies.

She sometimes tenses so he takes his time. He looks at her often, making sure she's okay, that she doesn't want to stop without being able to tell him. But each time she urges him to continue, with a smile or a look. Regardless of her wounds, she wants him to go through with it. She is convinced that this is the only way to erase everything. She knows he won't hurt her, that he will be patient. Never had a man treated her with such delicacy, without alleviating the desire that held them both.

When he feels her ready, he swaps their positions, sitting on the edge of the bed so that she comes over him. She's the one in charge, she leads the dance. He only puts his hands on her body, accompanying them with soft kisses on the bare skin offered for him.

Of course, he would want to lift her up to press her against the mattress or against the wall. Let all the ardor inside him express itself, he who has not tasted a woman's body for so long. But she needs him to be calm and reserved.

She needs to regain control of her own body, and this skin-to-skin is an important step. Vinyl has stopped spinning for a long time. Music has been replaced by their voices. The pace quickens, their movements become less precise. If words are exchanged, they are meaningless. Animal instinct has taken over. All worries, all questions are put aside. It's just them. Together until deliverance.

\------

As delicately as possible, he lifts the sheets over her shoulders. She fell asleep on top of him without bothering to get dressed. He strokes her hair, freeing her forehead so that he can lay his lips there. Even though he probably should, he doesn't regret what just happened. He only hopes she will feel the same when she wakes up.

He tried to be as gentle as possible, but who knows what traumas this exchange may have brought back to her. He saw all the scars on her body. He too has a lot of them. But his were not inflicted by abusive men.

He hadn't been an angel, far from it. He had done horrible things. Tortured, robbed, killed honest people, or at least people who had asked for nothing. But the thought of exploiting a woman's body for a few ration tickets or a few favors from the army repulses him. It's probably no worse than what he did. But his mind rejects the idea, as a twisted moral code that even sinful men should apply.

He can't help but think again about the stories she told him. About those brutes who destroyed her. He tightens his grip on her. He realizes how much he has become attached to her in such a short time. It happened little by little, without him being able to help it. And now it's in him, an obvious feeling that he cannot fight. He cares about her and doesn't want her to suffer anymore. Before falling asleep, he promises to protect her, no matter what the cost.

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, it finally happened.
> 
> I wonder, did it feel weird? Should I have developed a bit more their relation shifting to something more than friendship/protection? Like in my mind it's clear they've spent so much time together during the 4/5 months they've known each other, just talking, and learning about each other, that them falling into a more intimate relationship makes sense, but I wonder if that's the same for you as reader?


	20. Do you regret it?

The creaky floor rouses Joel from his sleep. Before he even opens his eyes, he realizes she’s no longer in his arms. He sits up and sees her standing in the dark. Outside, the day is just around the corner. He frowns seeing what she's wearing.

“Are these my clothes?

-I needed to go to the bathroom and I was cold.

-What am I supposed to do then, stay naked?

-Fine by me.”

A slight smile on the corner of her lips, she walks up to the bed without sitting down, catching the alarm clock. She sighs when she sees the time. She's exhausted but she doesn't really have time to lie down. She rubs her eyes and mumbles.

“I have to go get ready, but you should sleep, you've just come back from a long patrol. I'm doing two jobs today, I won't be back until dinner. "

Without further ado, she walks to the door and leaves the room. He should have stopped her, gently grabbing her arm, and asking how she feels after what they did a few hours ago. But he didn't budge. He remained silent.

He leans back with a sigh, hearing water running into her bathroom. He hates himself for being so coward. He swears himself he'll get up when she's done washing herself, to talk to her. But the sound of the water rocks him and these three days of patrol get the better of him. When he wakes up again, she is long gone.

\----

It's not yet noon but Chloe hates herself. In addition to her usual shift at the bar, she had agreed to be part of the team consolidating the defensive wall. She had done it to leave the house to Joel for his day off, to be out of his hair. But now she regrets being far from the comfort of the home, from its comfortable beds.

She didn’t sleep much. He came home in the middle of the night, then it took them quite some time before falling asleep. She didn’t have many hours to rest. And she felt it all day long.

When she finally finishes her job, the mere prospect of having to walk home puts her off, even though it's only a few blocks away. She needs to muster all of her energy to finally dare to walk the path that separates her from a good night's sleep. From him.

When she walks through the door, a smell of food greets her. He's taken care of the meal, which for Joel means to bring back something to eat from dinner. She doesn’t mind though. As long as she doesn’t have to do a thing. Exhausted, she barely answers his questions and eats from the tip of her lips. She's not really hungry. Joel worries seeing her like this. Is it just fatigue, or is it the aftermath of them having sex the night before? Is she returned in a bad place by his fault? To the time she was barely eating and was having nightmares any time she would close her eyes?

He should talk to her, to know what's going on in her head, to help her. But he can't. He was rarely in the place of the one asking the questions. Every time, he let her come to him, playing the role of the listening ear. He had never tried to push these confidences, letting her go at her own pace.

But at the moment, she's not expressing anything. Perhaps she no longer dares to confide in him since he’s the one her confidences would be about. So he remains silent as well. He waits for the evening to go on, for them to dim the lights. Maybe that way he could learn something.

He knows she's tired, but he offers her a movie anyway. He just wants to buy time with her, to see the slightest sign of trouble, of fear. She gladly accepts and they move into the living room. Unsurprisingly, she falls asleep in less than ten minutes, collapsing on the couch. He smiles and gets up to put a blanket on her.

He can't help but worry. What consequences will have his actions of the day before? He doesn't regret anything. But she might. If he made her suffer, he will blame himself terribly. But why would she initiate things if she wasn't ready? He had offered her several times to stop, she had always refused. But now she had had all day to think about it, maybe being in the harsh daylight had made her see things differently than the day before, when she was immersed in the privacy of his bedroom. The film ends without him realizing it. He would be unable to describe the plot, so much time he had spent looking at her, wondering. He turns off the TV and goes to pour himself a glass of water in the kitchen before returning to the living room.

Slowly, he removes the blanket covering her and lifts her up. She may have gained weight since her arrival a few months ago, she is still just as light. So much the better, even though he is strong, he is not getting any younger. Arrived on the doorstep of her bedroom, he hesitates. What a message he sends her if he drops her there? She might think he used her as a reel and now he is rejecting her, no longer needing her.

But if she needs some space and time to digest the events, if she doesn't feel safe around him anymore because of what they've done? He cannot force her to sleep in his bed. Would she even dare to express this need for distance if she ever felt it?

He stays in front of the door, hesitating. He should have left her on the couch and stayed in his chair until she woke up. It's not like he's going to sleep anyway. His arms are starting to hurt but he can't make up his mind.

“You better put me in yours.”

She mumbles, still asleep. He gives a slight smile and does so, heading for the room down the hall. Once deposited in bed, she rubs her eyes. She’s falling asleep but she tries to struggle. Her jeans are not comfortable, she undoes the belt and buttons, trying to free herself from too tight legs. She growls as she struggles, without success. She’s stuck in the garment.

“Want some help with that?”

She nods and lets himself do. Once her legs are free, she lifts her sweater and t-shirt, keeping only her tank top before slipping into the sheets. The instant her head hits the pillow, she collapses, heaving a sigh of comfort. He smiles at the sight and goes to get ready for sleep.

When he joins her in bed, she leans closer, pressing her cold legs against him. Gently, he takes her against him, wrapping his arms around her. One of her hand leans on his chest, lightly gripping the fabric of his t-shirt. He gently kisses her forehead, pulling a sigh of satisfaction out of her.

He's not tired yet. He should be able to fall asleep now. Although he doesn’t have all of his questions answered yet, she looks fine. He absently strokes her uncovered arms. Her skin is so soft under his callused hands. This feeling takes him back years. Before all that. When women filled every available space in the bathroom with their ever-increasing number of creams and products of all kinds. These products haven't been around for a long time, so how could she be so soft? _Youth, probably_ , he thinks with a pang in his heart.

\------------

They don't have to work the next morning. Yet both wake up before the sun even points its nose. With her head on his shoulder, she absently browses the scars on the man's skin, like so many paths to explore. He follows the movement of her fingers, taking advantage of this peaceful moment, as if out of time. He knows now is the perfect time. He has to get started. Caressing her hair in a reassuring gesture, he finally asks her.

“How do you feel?

\- I feel good. Honestly. Better than I thought I would. 

\- Do you regret what we’ve done?

\- No. Do you?

\- No.”

She comes to rest her chin on his chest, plunging her gaze into his. They stare at each other for a few moments before a mischievous smile appears on her face. Puzzled, he questions her silently.

“So, tell me… You’ve been hiding some of your talents.

-I have?

-Yeah… Where did you learn to be good like that? Spit it old man, who have you been training with?” She says in a false tone of suspicion, making him laugh before he leans in to kiss her.

“Maybe you're the one who inspires me.

-God you’re cheesy” She answers before kiss him back more intensely and spanning him, determined to test his talents again before starting the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shitty chapter with shitty writing, where we discover Joel as an overthinker, who would have thought that.


	21. Medusa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sexual allusion, traumatic nightmare, rape mention.

“What's a Pepsi?

\- A drink we had back then, very sugary, why?

\- Oh, Lana del Rey talks about it in one of her song.

\- Really?

-Yeah. "My pussy tastes like Pepsi cola"

Joel chokes, spitting out the sip of water he just took. She laughs softly at his reaction. She teases him often, too amused at how prudish he can be sometimes. As if the song hadn't been written by a woman of his generation. As if she didn't know what he was capable of when the bedroom door was closed. She keeps teasing him.

"She sure was sweet then."

 _You're so sweet, you taste like honey_. He often tells her that in the privacy of his bedroom, as his lips run over her skin, going down on her body.

She hits the mark, her lover visibly embarrassed that she reports his own words to him in the broad daylight. She could swear she saw his cheeks turn pink before he turned his back on her. She laughs softly and would like to go and kiss him. But she holds back.

It’s the rule. Their new intimacy can only be expressed in the shelter of his bedroom. There are too many people around them. Ellie, Tommy... They can come in at any time and surprise them. So they behave, resuming their role as roommates as soon as they emerge from their cocoon. But every now and then, she can't help but make a point to embarrass or arouse him. The words can’t be seen.

She hums the song before declaring.

“Man, it would be a great song to pole dance to. It would drive them all crazy.

-Do you miss it? Dancing on a scene like you did.

-Sometimes yes. I was pretty good. I was far from being the best, but I was defending myself. But I don't have the muscles anymore. Nor really the urge. I'm not ashamed but it's my past now. And then I don't know what the people of Jackson would think about that.

-I don’t know either. People can be mean sometimes, I don’t want you to be hurt.

-Yeah, be honest, you want me all to yourself. Maybe one day I will give you a demonstration of what I can do. But you’ll have to be very, very nice to me.

-I always am.”

He whispers in her ear as he walks close to her, brushing her skin and making her shiver. He too can be a teaser when he chooses to, having fun making the desire slowly rise in her. Driving her crazy until finally dragging her up to the bedroom to deliver her.

Joel is a good lover, but above all he is caring. The more weeks go by, the more relaxed she is in privacy. Because he treats her like no other man have done before. Like any human being should be treated. No matter how turned on or deep inside her he was, he remained alert to her slightest reactions.

The few times she panicked, overwhelmed by memories that didn't want to leave her, he had stopped everything immediately, forgetting his personal pleasure to hold her tight and reassure her until she calmed down and fell asleep, skin against skin.

But sometimes this thoughtfulness is too present, taking over the sensuality of the moment. So one day, after yet another question asked, she had made things clear.

_"Ok man, you're killing my buzz right now. Let's say that everything is fine unless I say... Apricot._

_-Apricot?!_

_-Yeah, they're disgusting, they shouldn't be a fruit. If something doesn't feel good, I'll say it, I promise. So please, please, stop worrying and gimme some sugar now.”_

_He smiles and leans on her, teasing her with his words and his mouth, before finally giving her what she wanted._

\------

“Do you think Chloe will be there? I haven’t seen her in a week.

\- Sure, but she'll probably be sleeping.

\- At this hour?

\- She still has trouble sleeping when I'm not home. Often she just collapses on the sofa during the day and stay up all night.”

The two brothers have just returned from a multi-day patrol. The longest Joel has done since Chloe has been living with him. He is anxious to find out about the young woman's condition. She's doing a lot better, but he knows how easy it is to fall back.

Still, he finds himself imagining being alone with her, kissing her, holding her against him in the darkness of the room. But Tommy invited himself for a beer at his home to celebrate the success of their patrol. He will have to wait to regain the privacy of his bedroom and her arms. Because his younger brother doesn’t know, and it must remain so. He wouldn't understand.

Joel himself isn’t sure he understands this funny relationship he has forged with the woman. It’s still too early to let people into this relationship, even if they are loved ones. It’s too fragile, too recent. They must give themselves time.

As soon as the door is opened, cries of terror greet the two men. They both rush into the living room. As predicted by the elder, Chloe has fallen asleep on the couch and is struggling with a terrible nightmare. He hurries to wake her up, squeezing her shoulder to help her out. She straightens up suddenly, panting. She looks up at him.

“Joel?!

-It’s me, it’s me.”

She's about to throw herself into his arms but jumps up and gives a terrified look to the side when she realizes that someone else is there. Joel puts his hand on hers, to help her come back to reality.

“It’s ok, it’s Tommy. You’re safe, it was just a bad dream.”

She hears him but fear is still in control of her body. She throws anxious glances at Tommy, as if each time she has to verify that it is indeed him and not one of the monsters of her nightmares. The man decides to slip away to the dining room. He knows she often has nightmares. Joel knows how to handle them, they don't need him. Judging her distress, she can do with a glass of strong alcohol.

Joel internally thanks his brother and refocuses on the young woman, gently squeezing her hand. She swallows hard, her breathing still choppy. Tears start to flow as she looks at him, determined to talk about her nightmare.

“It was him Joel. Samuel. It was the day he killed Cyril and he… I couldn’t stop him. I wanted to wake up, but I couldn’t. It felt so real. I can still feel him on me, I can still feel him...”

Her voice chokes, unable to continue. Her fingernails dig into her skin, as if trying to shake off the touch of the hands of the man who first raped her. Joel stops her, too worried that she will hurt herself. He sits down on the couch and pulls her against him while whispering reassuring words.

He would like to kiss her forehead, hold her tighter, make her feel surrounded by his warmth. But he has to control himself. His brother will be coming back in the room anytime soon. So he has to hold her as a roommate, a friend, a protector would.

Not as the lover he is in secret.

\----

Despite the patrol's fatigue, he watched over her all night, breaking out of his drowsiness with each of her move. But she slept soundly, hanging on his t-shirt. She probably hadn't slept much while he'd been away. She must be exhausted.

The next day, leaning on the kitchen counter, he closes his eyes, hoping to gain a few extra minutes of rest while she prepares breakfast. But that's delusional, so he watches her bustle about, visibly more rested than he is. When she lifts her arms to grab something high up, he notices the bandage on her lower abdomen. In the exact spot where she had been stabbed months before, when they found her in the woods.

"Did something happen to your injury?

-Hm, something like that yes.” She said mischievously. She serves him his plate before explaining.

"I went to Cat when you were away.

-Did you let her mark your skin?!"

He had spoken with a little more passion than he should have. But Joel isn’t really a fan of tattoos. He had never really understood the value of intentionally piercing someone’s skin with ink. But he makes up for it quickly. It's her body, he has to remind her that she's in total control of it. She should not be accountable to anyone, and especially not to him. So he puts on his best smile and asks to see it.

"hmm, maybe later, if you behave."

\---

With a gentle gaze, Joel observes Chloe sleeping peacefully, naked in his arms. He quietly lifts the sheet and with his fingertips strokes the now scarred tattoo. Little goose bump appears as he passes over the ink. He has to admit that Cat is talented. In place of the old wound is now the face of a gorgeous woman with snake hair. Medusa. A figure well found for the young woman. She sure can destabilize people with her gaze. Him the first now that he knows her biblically. The slightest glance can overwhelm him in an instant. She can turn him on, make him laugh or worried with just one of them. No words needed.

He’s sure of it now. He’s slowly but surely falling hard for this Medusa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said Joel isn’t fan of tattoos, but now I wonder if he wouldn’t have one, like one of these ridiculous tattoos in Chinese we could see in the 2000’s. What’s your opinion on that?


	22. Lolita

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Smut. Bad one. Sorry about that.

It's been two months now since they became more than roommates. Two months of rebirth. Paradoxically, being two to explore this new intimacy had allowed her to get to know herself better. They had created an invisible space where she feels safe enough to think about herself, to find out who she is. To resume the course of her existence, after months, years of mistreatment.

Despite the weeks that have passed, they still haven't told anyone. Joel knows only too well that his brother and Maria won't take a good liking to this relationship. He knows the reasons for it, and he cannot really refute them. Himself thought about it dozens of times before finally giving in to his desire to get closer to her. He has since done his best to ignore them, pushing them into the corner of his head. Selfishly. He appreciates what there is between them too much to reason with himself. So he lets it go and they continue to be careful, to act like nothing has changed once they get out of their room. But not tonight.

It's past midnight, and she put some music in the living room to dance carelessly. Only the lights of the moon and the fireplace illuminate the room. Illuminate her body. She had promised to demonstrate her past talents to him, so when that specific song starts playing, she changes her attitude.

Lana del Rey – Lolita

Her body lengthens, her movements become more sensual. She turns her back to the man sitting in his chair, slowly sliding her pants down to uncover her bare legs. She continues to sway lasciviously while turning around.

She distinguishes him in the twilight, guessing his gaze ablaze by her dance. She sees his hand tighten on his glass of whiskey, a movement of self-control that she knows by heart. Men always have the same reaction. She smirks as she looks at him lustfully. Slowly she undoes one by one the buttons of her shirt. His actually, which she stung. She doesn't take it off, however, the birth of her breasts being the only apparent thing, leaving the man free to imagine it, to anticipate it.

She approaches dangerously and he puts his glass on the table next to him without taking his eyes off her. Comfortably seated in his chair, he didn't miss a beat of the show. Of this body that he now knows by heart, but which never ceases to amaze him. She overlaps him, starting to sing the lyrics in an overly sexual way.

|Hey Lolita, hey!

Hey Lolita, hey!

I know what the boys want, I'm not gonna play|

Her loose hair brushes his face, her hands are resting on his chest while he holds her hips undulating on him. Her mouth brushes his but always pulls away, not letting him kiss her. She's teasing him.

He knows he should stop her. Even if it's late, someone could show up and surprise them. But the excitement of danger added to her voice, her gestures, make him forget all caution. With a firm gesture he grabs her face to kiss her passionately. She can't help but smile at the man's impatience. He slips his hands under the flannel garment, feeling her skin quiver as he passes. She responds by starting to unbutton his shirt. He breaks the kiss to slide his lips on her neck. She moans at this gesture, he knows all too well her sensitive points. The man slides the shirt down her arms to reveal her chest, gently kissing the skin between her breasts.

She sticks to him a little more, straddling his laps to rub against him. He breathes harder, using all of his inner control not to take her in the instant. He holds her jaw and slides his thumb over her lips, which she ends up taking in her mouth, looking at him intently.

"You're a dangerous woman, you know that?"

She responds by taking his mouth back, rubbing a little harder against the bulge in his pant. He can no longer resist and slips his hands under her thighs to lift her. Holding her tight against him, he gets up to carry her to the bedroom. But she doesn't let him get to his destination.

"Please Joel, I can't wait anymore. Just take me here.

-In the stairs?

-The bedroom is too far away"

He smirks at the young woman's impatience and hesitates for a moment between making her suffer a little more or granting her request. But in the end, the excitement of doing it in such a crazy place wins him over and he slams her against the wall, holding her there while undoing his belt. As he pushes in her, he tells himself he's never known someone as wild as her. She brings out things in him that he did not know he had, even after 50 years on this earth.

He snaps out of his thoughts as one of their movements takes off one of the heavy pictures hanging above them. She rests her head on his shoulder, giggling at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Maybe I should have let you take me to your room.

-It won't fall any lower... And the night is still long, we have all our time to enjoy the bedroom."

Saying that, he decides to lay her down on the steps. She has no time to react that he resumes the movement of his hips, slow and deep. She moans, digging her fingernails into his back. She clings to him, the successive waves of pleasure making her feel like she is falling despite his arms holding her tight. She closes her thighs around him a little tighter, allowing him to sink even deeper.

The wood sinks into her back, she knows she will have bruises the next day, but she doesn't care. At this point, she's convinced it would kill her if he stops. The pace is picking up and she can't hold back. Her moans echo through the stairwell as he watches her lose herself in climax, a satisfied smile on his lips. When she finally meets his gaze, she realizes that he's far from being done with her.

\----

"What's on your mind Honey Girl?

\- Maybe you" she says with a mischievous smile, gently resting her lips on his.

It's past nine o'clock. Suffice to say, a very late hour for Joel to be still in bed. But after the night they've spent, he's not against the idea of hanging out under the sheets with her. It's his day off, he knows Tommy has plans with Maria and Ellie is spending her day with friends. There is absolutely nothing that can disturb them. So they might as well take advantage. The bedroom is the only place where he can hold her close, share intimate moments with her. Like a couple?

He absently strokes her hair. He doesn't know how to define this rather special relationship. It's more than sex, he's sure of that. And yet, they have little opportunity to demonstrate it. They can really be together only in this room, in this bed, where things invariably turn to physical relationships and sleep. And yet, he feels good that way. He doesn't want to ruin everything by making things official, putting on them the disapproving and judging looks of Jackson's people. He doesn't know how she would take it. She is so much more radiant than before. Gradually, her demons are fading away. So why change a balance that suits her.

"Tell me

\- Tell you what?

\- I don't know, life before. "

He smiles, still looking a little distracted. She loves to listen to his stories, even the most terrible ones. Nothing he may have done in his past seems to frighten or disgust her with him. Of course, her favorite stories are those from before the outbreak. She likes to ask him questions about this world she has known only a few years, and whose successive traumas have erased many memories.

"What did you do in your spare time when you weren't taking care of Sarah? In the evenings for example.

-Hmm, often I would come home from work and watch the game summaries. Sometimes I was riding my treadmill at the same time. It was nice. It cleared my head.

-You were training too? Weren't you tired with all your construction work?

-What do you want, a body like that needs maintenance."

He puffs up the muscles saying that, to make her laugh. She rolls her eyes but still smiles, snuggling up to him. She lets her fingers slide over his chest, stroking every muscle, every scar which she now knows all about.

She knows they should get up, eat something, and do the housework. But it's also her day off and she doesn't want to leave his arms. It's so rare that they hang around like this rather than doing something useful for the home or for the community. She would like to freeze time, just to make the most of this moment of complicity.

\----

The door to the laundry room opens, bringing a cold snap into the room where the young woman washes their clothes. They ended up getting up and put themselves to work. Big houses need to be cared for. Joel appears, shaking his hair to remove snow. He responds to her smile before disappearing into the kitchen to make himself a hot drink. It's almost spring but it's still cold outside. As the liquid warms him, he leans against the doorframe to watch her work. To pass the time, she decides to ask him one of her favorite type of questions.

"What do you think would have happened if we had met in a world without outbreak?

-The only way we could have meet is if I built you a house in Austin. You wouldn't even have paid attention to me because I'm way too old. You would have been on my back because you would have found the white too white, the wood too dark, the kitchen too small and all those kinds of little things that made the customers unbearable.

-I think I'd have banged you anyway.

-Na, you wouldn't have. There would have been too many young men around you. You'd probably have been with someone. You're so smart and pretty, you would have been spoiled for choice. You would probably have been one of those lawyers or businesswomen always on the phone.

-I'm sure I'd have banged you anyway, on the construction site of my house. I would have pretended a very urgent problem outside working hours, and I would have you cornered.

-Who tells you that I'd have cracked? I could have been with someone too, Sarah would have been grown up, I would have had more time.

-Because I'm smart and pretty, remember? Even in couple, we'd definitely have banged together.

-You're obsessed with that. Are you trying to send me a message right now?

-I wasn't but that's not a bad idea.

-Honey Girl, you're impossible."

She laughs as he comes out of the laundry room. He begins to climb the stairs, then stops to call out to her.

"So, are you coming?"


	23. Jealous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: light sexual allusion, mention of her past trauma.

Lying on her stomach, still naked from the night before, Chloe is immersed in her book. He’s sleeping, she believes. She is so captivated by her story that she didn’t realize that he is awake and observing her, with that look that only lovers have in the early morning, still amazed that the creature that inhabit their dreams is by their side.

Gently, as if to prevent her from escaping him, he leans towards her and puts his lips on her back, delicately, one kiss after another. She tries to stay focused on the story despite this mouth running through her, this beard stroking her skin, this lover regaining his passion.

Having reached her neck, he gently spread her hair to reach the skin now exposed. She shivers at the kisses and can't help but moan as he whispers in her ear. She closes her book. To hell with the adventures of these paper characters, the man of flesh near her offers her a much better one.

\-----

Laughter escape from the bar as the evening is well advanced. Seated at the tables, conversations are rife as they have a drink with other members of the community. There is a silence. Chloe sighs as she plays with her beer.

“When I think all over the country there are some who are stuck in QZ, not being allowed to leave their homes while we are there like nothing has happened. ‘Seems surreal.

-I always forget you guys lived there.” 

Derek comments, he who has only known life in Jackson. Around the table tonight, only the Millers and Chloe have known life in QZ. Tommy comments.

“I sure don’t miss curfew.

-Me neither. And this message that they broadcast to us constantly. _Attention. Curfew is now in full effect. Anyone caught outside without proper authorization will be arrested and prosecuted_.” Joel ends the sentence with her. She looks at him with a smile.

“You had the same message in Boston I see.

-Yep.

-What was the other one? _Harboring or aiding wanted criminals is punishable by death. Do not place yourself at risk. Report any_ … Weird business?

- _Any suspicious activity_.

-Ah yeah. Any suspicious activity. What a joke. The whole town was a suspicious activity. If they had to enforce the law to the letter, they wouldn't have had enough bullets to shoot us all.”

Tommy and Joel are the only one to chuckle lightly upon hearing this. They know better than anyone the kind of suspicious activity that can be carried out in QZ. Rebellion, smuggling, the two brothers had seen it all. Joel gazes into Chloe's eyes, seated at the other end of the table. They exchange a tender and knowing smile. An exchange that does not escape Susan. The woman raises a smirk and questions Chloe, hoping to put her on the spot in front of Joel.

“What kind of suspicious activity were you doing?”

Chloe's gaze changes as she gauges the woman. Redhead, late forties. And, even if the young woman has difficulty admitting it, terribly attractive. The older woman has beautiful green eyes that she constantly keeps glued to Joel. Much to the annoyance of the young woman.

She grits her teeth. She knows there is nothing she can do. She can't kiss him to show they are together. She can't even play footsie under the table to remind him of her presence. She just has to wait for it to pass, seeing this woman put her hand on Joel's arm, laugh out loud at the slightest remark, and play with her hair like a teenage girl.

 _She is ridiculous._ Ridiculously beautiful. Chloe knows it. This woman is much more suitable than she is for Joel. She's his age, they would have a lot more to share. And she wouldn't impose her heavy past on him. She certainly has not been touched by dozens of men. She certainly doesn’t have violent nightmares followed by long panic attacks that he now has to endure, day after day. Yes, Susan would surely be a better companion for her lover. And this idea twists her stomach.

\-----

“She hates my guts.

-No she doesn’t.

-Yes, she does, haven't you heard how she talked to me all night?”

Joel sighs as he hangs up his jacket. The young woman has been looping on Susan since they left the bar. She is convinced that the redhead is in a quest against her, to diminish her in his eyes and win his love. He shakes his head.

“She doesn't even know we're sleeping together, why would she do that?

\- Because I'm young and hot and she's not. She sees me as an obstacle on her way to you.

\- I think she's younger than me you know.

\- No she's not, she's just trying to convince you of that.

\- Ok that makes no sense.

\- I don’t care, she’s pissing me.

\- Be nice.

\- I thought you like me when I'm naughty." She raises an eyebrow suggestively.

“You’re tiring sometimes, you know that? There’s no reason to be jealous.

-I'm not jealous of Susan, she just annoys me to turn around you this way. But I'm not afraid of her. I am younger, smarter, and much better in bed.

"How could you possibly know that?" He said laughing.

“Look at her, she must be a bore. Can you imagine her letting you do all the stuff you do to me?

\- I don’t wanna imagine nothing with her.

-You see, even you don't think she's worth it. No need to be jealous.”

He can't help but smile. Seeing this terribly attractive young woman put herself in such a state flatters his ego terribly. He decides to enjoy himself a little more time.

“You're not the jealous type?

-Absolutely not.

-Even if I tell you about this super hot girl I used to see when I was around your age?

-You want me to be jealous of a girl you banged once 20 years ago? She probably turned into a clicker anyway.

\- You are terrifying.”

She laughs and puts her arms around his neck. After spending the evening craving his lips, she indulges in her desire and sticks to him sensually. She will do everything to make him forget this shrew.

\-----

Joel slowly opens his eyes. Chloe has just slipped gently into the bedroom so as not to wake him up. It’s badly knowing the man's light sleep. He says nothing, getting his eyes used to the dim light. In the dark, he guesses her undressing. Once again, she’s leaving her clothes lying on the floor, in the middle of the passage. But he quickly forgets his annoyance as he admires the curve of her back, browsing the lines of her slender legs. She turns around and catches his gaze.

“You're not sleeping?

-Not anymore. You're coming home late.

-Yeah, it was a long service and after we decided with Derek to clean the place up, it was filthy. So when we were done, we had a chat and a few drinks. I haven't seen the time.

-Oh.”

She frowns and walks over to try to see the expression on his face. She wears a mocking smile.

“Are you jealous?

-Of what? A young brat with a good face that makes you laugh and with whom you spend multiple hours with every week... Over hours, just the two of us. Why should I be jealous?”

She laughs softly and climbs onto the bed, stepping over his body to sit on him.

“He’s a young and beautiful man, and yet here I am, lying on you naked.

-Doesn’t mean much.”

She shakes her head and leans on him, her face inches from his.

“Do I smell like him?

-No... You smell you. You smell good.

-Don't lie, I stink like hell. I'm gonna take a quick shower now that you're awake.

-You know, I don't think you're dirty enough for a shower.

-And I guess you're going to help me with that.”

He doesn't answer, but with a knock of his hip he swings her around. He towers over her, a greedy smile on his lips. As he begins to kiss her skin and play with the elastic of her panties, she thinks that sometimes, jealousy is a good thing.

\---

“Hey Chloe, what are you doing here?

-Sally is sick so I’m covering the stable for her this morning.”

She smiles at the patroller before going back to work. A new group outing is planned, and all horses must be prepared for their riders. Her jaw tightens when she sees that Susan is there, among the patrollers. She's not one of them, but decided to bring everyone one of her specials, so they can snack on later.

Chloe could swear the woman put on makeup. Of course, the redhead doesn't let go of Joel and chuckles stupidly at one of his remarks. The young woman rolls her eyes. Her lover notices and walks over to the horse she is preparing. He speaks softly so no one can hear them.

“Are you still pissed of because of Susan?

-Nah, I don't care. Looking at her trying so hard when I'm the one fucking you when you'll be back is satisfying enough.

-You're a freak.

-That's why you love me.”

They both stiffen at this remark from the young woman. Love. They never talked about it. They are content to live in the present moment, without asking questions about their relationship, their future. So evoking love can only embarrass them. Are they in love? Or are they just two people having fun and enjoying the other's presence to find some comfort in this harsh world?

Tommy walks over, helping them out of this uneasiness. He kisses Chloe before training his brother to start this new patrol. Joel turns and gives Chloe one last look. She responds with a smile before remembering something. She raises her arm and speaks a little louder to make sure he hears.

“Be back for my party!”

He nods. This party has been on her mind for days. He knows he better not miss it. Listening to her, it promises to be the event of the century.


	24. Party like it’s summer 2013 - Part 1

“What a name choice…”

The two brothers stand in front of the poster imagined for the party. From outside the building, they can already hear the bass of the music. When they open the door, they discover a staging worthy of their rare club outings, many years before. Moving lights, fluorescent neon lights behind the bar, a large dance floor surrounded by numerous seating areas, the place has nothing to do with its usual state.

In a corner of the room, Joel sees Chloe on duty, a tray in her hand. He waves to her before settling down with Tommy on one of the benches set up for the occasion. She joins them with a big smile on her lips.

“ _Party like it’s Summer 2013_ , really, that’s the name you give to your party?”

She laughs mischievously and raises her hands in an innocent gesture. Despite the music playing loudly, they discuss for a few moments, about the layout of the room, the patrol. From a distance, she sees Derek waving behind the bar, overwhelmed by the orders.

“I must leave you, duty is calling. It's hot, don't you think?”

Without giving them time to answer, she heads back to the bar, removing her sweater, revealing a tank top. Its low cut under the arms shows off the outer line of her breasts. Joel quietly bites the inside of his cheek. He's sure she waited until he arrived on purpose to show off her real outfit. First confused by this sexy sight, he then frowns.

Is that ink he sees there, below her left breast? He hasn't undressed her for several days, has she come under Cat's hands again in his absence? He only returned the day before from his patrol. Chloe was already sleeping peacefully. He had contented himself with placing a kiss on her shoulder before falling asleep soundly, hugging her, exhausted from this new trying outing.

When he woke up, she was already gone, leaving him a message on the mirror. It has become her new routine since they got together. Before, she often left some near his mug or his plate. But now that the words are much more intimate, she changed the place, too worried Ellie might stumble upon them.

Behind the bar, Chloe gives discreet glances at Joel. He's not showing anything, but she knows he's already seething. After years of deprivation, sleeping by her side every night, in a safe environment, had awakened his carnal appetites. She's even surprised he didn't wake her up the night before. He will surely regret it, she didn’t plan to spare him during this evening that she imagined from A to Z with the help of her friends.

The man approaches the bar, not taking his eyes off her. Cat is there of course, admiring her work so well presented. Joel orders a drink while listening to the tattoo artist talk about her latest work. After taking a sip, he nods at Chloe, asking to see this new fantasy. With a fake innocent look, she lifts her arm to reveal the skin. He reads aloud. _Sweet AF._

“And why a bee?

-Because Honey, I’m sweet as fuck.”

He looks at her for a second before laughing out loud at her mischievous look. Definitely, she would never cease to amaze him. _You taste so sweet Honey Girl_. Those are his words. He should probably be concerned that she marks her body with references that he had before. But right now, he doesn't care. She is radiant and seems to have the time of her life. He won’t take that away from her.

“So, what’s your plan for tonight?

-Do I need one? Drinking with Tommy and watch you going crazy, I guess.

-You’re the crazy one. Ain’t you gonna dance?

-Did you forget who you're talking to?

-Listen to me good Joel. By the end of the night, I’ll have you dancing like you’re 20 again.

-Yeah, right... How do you plan to do that?” 

She doesn't answer. She doesn't really know yet, but she's convinced she'll find a solution soon. Derek walks over, having heard it all. He shakes the bottle in his hand.

“We have Tequila.”

The young woman's eyes light up and she leans under the bar, from which she pulls out small glasses which she sets in front of her and Joel. He understands very well where she is going and tries to stop her on the spot.

“I'm not having shots with you girl.

-Come on, you won’t tell me the big though Joel Miller, head of patrol of Jackson, is afraid of a few drinks.

-No, I just don't do shots.

-Yeah, you do... Your little brother blabs a lot you know. ‘Told me everything about your parties.

-Dammit Tommy.

-So what, are you afraid to lose to me?”

Their gazes defy each other for long seconds before the older one gives up and accepts the challenge. If he loses, he will have to give in to her every whim, however ridiculous they may be. But tonight, the experience seems to speak, and he swallows his drinks without batting an eyelid, giving the overconfident youngster no chance. She grimaces at his victorious air but is tenacious.

“It doesn't matter, you're still my bitch tonight Joel Miller. I'll have you dancing. You better not sneak out.

-I won't leave without you, after these shots I expect to have to carry you home. But if you keep talking to me like that, I'll probably not break my back and let you sleep here.” 

She gives him the finger as he walks away, laughing. He sits down at his table, under the dumbstruck eye of Tommy who hasn't seen him like this in years. However, one thing escaped the elder, which the younger doesn’t fail to note.

“What about our drinks?

-Aah shit.

-I got you guys.”

Chloe is already there, two glasses in her hand which she serves them with a smug face. Without further ado, she leaves behind the bar to continue her service. Joel's heart pangs when he sees her dancing behind the counter with Derek as they serve drinks. This kid has rhythm, and their bodies seem to respond to the same choreography. In perfect harmony. He shakes his head. He can't call him kid, he's roughly the same age as her.

_And she's not a kid, she's a woman. Right?_

\-----

As the evening progresses, Chloe has been replaced behind the bar. Now she dances in the middle of the floor, carefree. With that same expression and self-oblivion, with that same light movements, as he had seen her dozens of times in the middle of the living room or in the kitchen, headphones pushed into her ears.

“She seems so happy now.

-I think she truly is.

-Thanks to you. You really helped her.”

Joel nods politely. His brother has no idea how far he went in this "help". By sleeping with her, he could have broken her a bit more. But he didn't. He tries to look away from her sensual movements, looking at her too intensely. He's 50 but he's reacting as if he was in high school again, drooling over some girl.

His eyes keep following her down the floor where she mixes with the crowd of dancers. It's crazy how people are uninhibited with a little alcohol, loud music, and the lights down. Why can't he be like this too? Even good old Eugene approaches the floor and makes the young woman dance.

She laughs heartily as the man spins her around. He is the closest thing to a father figure to her. He introduced her to repair and other little skills that come in handy in this messy world. She told him about her past over a joint shared during an extended break. They’re pretty close now, so he doesn't hesitate to question her.

“Has it been a while, Joel and you?”

She is dumbfounded for a moment before asking him to repeat it, both to save time and to check that she understood the question correctly. But he doesn't want to play this game.

“Come on, not to me. The guy hasn’t taken off his eyes of you all night. And he did shots.”

She looks at him, a little worried. Her efforts are concentrated in her movements, so as not to appear suspicious. But her face reveals the panic that takes her. She has drunk too much to be totally in control of her emotions.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your secret to Maria and Tommy. They’re lovely but sometimes a bit too stiff. But listen to me. You worked hard for this. So enjoy yourself and fuck what they say.”

She nods as he lets her go, the song over. She gently shakes her head before resuming her smile and heading back to the table occupied by the two brothers. Joel places a glass in front of her.

“You should drink water.

-I’d rather drink the tears of my opponent.” She whispers to him so Tommy doesn't hear her, before tilting her head discreetly to Susan who is walking towards them with Maria. The two women settle in with them, and soon Chloe feels the piercing gaze of the redhead on her. She feels uncomfortable and would like to nail the beak once and for all on this woman. But she knows she can't. Fortunately, a song comes to take her out of her embarrassment.

Nelly Furtado – Maneater

“I leave you, duty is calling. I have to help Molly with Chris, if I don’t do it, they’ll never end up together.

-Molly is a nice girl, you shouldn't drag her into this kind of demonstration.

-What is that supposed to mean Susan? I’m the devil that pulls others into sin, am I? Maybe you should go home then, you are putting yourself at risk by staying close to me like that.”

Not letting the woman answer, she leaves, rolling her hips in rhythm, catching Joel's gaze in the process. She gets closer to her friend and together they start to dance sensually. They had come up with a whole choreography that, Molly hoped, would finally convince Chris to bring his feelings to the fore. But that's not Chloe's only goal. She knows that in a corner of the room her lover only has eyes for her. And that, despite Susan's best efforts to interest him.

She's a maneater, make you work hard

Make you spend hard, make you want all of her love

Make you cut cards, wish you never ever met her at all

Playing with his glass, he can't take his eyes off her. He observes her moving on the dance floor, radiant as ever. Besides, all eyes are on her. But she doesn't really care. She won her bet, Chris and Molly are already dancing together. So she only moves for herself, for her own pleasure. Always going lower. Always more sensual. Always more electric. Her buttocks touch her heels, but she goes back up without difficulty.

“Where did she learn to do that?”

Joel doesn't respond to his brother's comment, but he knows the answer. Chloe had told him all about those long months of training with Talia. The hours of dancing, the frustrations, the fatigue and all the demands to reach the level and the body required to finally get on stage.

“Do you know what she was doing before she arrived here?”

Joel's jaw tightens surreptitiously at hearing Susan's question. Fortunately, Maria vaguely answers the question, seeming to satisfy the woman's malicious curiosity. Tommy shares a quiet grimace with his brother. Susan had always been there, and they liked her before. But recently, she is in real crusade against the young woman, and everyone had ended up noticing it.

The song ended, Chloe returns with a victorious air. With a wave of her hand, she shows her work. Chris and Molly dance together, after weeks of turning around. Joel slips her a glass of water.

“Is it water or…?” she says mischievously, snatching a half-stern, half-amused look from her lover.

“Hmm… Salty.” She smirks after a sip. It's only water, but it gives her as much satisfaction as if it were Susan's tears she just drank. Without sitting down, she returns her attention to Maria.

“I have a surprise for you. I can guarantee you that next song you'll dance with me.

-How can you be sure?

\- Trust me, I know you better than you think. "

Gwen Stefani – What you waiting for?

The blonde woman lets out a cry of surprise upon hearing the song. She loved this artist, back in the days when her only worries were dancing with her friends on the weekends. Without further ado, Chloe grabs her hand to lead her onto the dance floor. Moments later, Tommy also stands up, making his older brother frown.

“What are you doing?

-I'm going to danse with my wife. You should try. Won't hurt you as those shots will.”

Joel rolls his eyes as he watches his brother go. He remembers Susan's presence when she begins to speak. He isn't really listening, he just understands that she disapproves of the dance. She thinks she pleases him by getting on his side on this subject. But she definitely loses all of Joel's interest in criticizing Chloe's lack of modesty. The man finishes his drink in one gulp and whispers as he gets up.

_Fuck it_


	25. Party like it’s summer 2013 - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where my characters get totally out of control, I’m sorry y’all, I’m totally writing Joel out of character, but I wanted it to be this way for what will come next soo~~~   
> As usual, || indicate the lyrics Chloe are singing.

In daylight, the room doesn't look the same as the day before. Tired of the night and tidying up, Chloe take a break, accepting the mug Derek hands her. He starts the conversation.

"Did you sleep at all?

-Hmm, not sure that little sleep count.

\- I didn’t see you leave, what time was it?

-Honestly, I don't really remember the end of the night."

Lie. She remembers every minute.

“Well Joel and you put on quite a show last night. People will talk in town."

She brushes the remark aside with a wave of her hand, rolling her eyes. Maybe he was right. Maybe she pushed it too far.

But god did she have the time of her life.

\----

Gwen Stefani – What you waiting for?

_Fuck it_

Joel gets up and makes his way through the dancers to join Maria and Tommy, but especially Chloe. She raises her arms when she sees him. She won. He's her bitch now. She can't help but smile when she sees the stiff movements of her lover near her. He feels ridiculous and would like to go home, play his guitar quietly on the porch before going to bed. But she's there, and that's more than enough reason for him to stay too.

Rihanna - Pon de Replay

A new song begins, she decides to take matters into her own hands, to teach him a little lesson. She gestures for him to follow her movements, which he tries to do with varying degrees of success. She laughs softly to see him like this, light years from his comfort zone. She never thought she could get him to dance so easily.

Well, I'm ready for ya  
Come let me show ya  
I'mma show you how to move

She moves a little closer and places her hands on his hips for a moment to make them move in rhythm. She does this well, from the outside, you wouldn't suspect anything more than the usual facade relationship they've grown accustomed to showing. In the half-light, no one can see her smirk.

"Come on, we both know what you can do with those hips."

She moves away quickly, to avoid any suspicion on the part of potential observers. Maria and Tommy are close by, so she invites herself into their duet to dance with them, soon followed by Joel. She smiles when she sees the blonde woman let go like that. She has so little opportunity to relax, always preoccupied with the affairs of the community. It’s nice that, for once, she’s emptying her mind.

The songs follow one another, but they stay on the dance floor. The couple left them, so did Molly and Chris, in search of a more private place. They don't really care who is around them anymore, too mesmerized in each other's movements. The euphoria of dancing and alcohol makes them lose all measure. He puts his hand on her waist every time he slips something in her ear, causing her to laugh out loud that everyone around can only notice.

“By the way, who looked after Sarah when you were going out with Tommy?

-It depends, babysitters, or my neighbor sometimes.

-The one of the last time?

-Yep.

-Before or after you slept with her?

-Both.

-You’re an awful man.

-‘Told you it has always been complicated with women.

-What’s wrong with me? Am I weird for still wanting to be around you?

-You love Abba, we always knew you’re a weirdo.”

She slaps his shoulder in protest, losing her balance in the progress. He keeps her from falling and brings her even closer to him, as if to prevent any future fall. She smiles mischievously and takes advantage of this proximity to wiggle against him. Their looks are playful, teaser. They don't care about anything anymore, flirting dangerously with limits. Yet she knows what it would feel like to be discovered.

\-----

_Lana del Rey – Off to the races_

_| My old man is a bad man_

_But I can't deny the way he holds my hand_

_And he grabs me, he has me by my heart_

_He doesn't mind I have a Las Vegas past_

_He doesn't mind I have a L.A. crass way about me|_

_Eyes fixed on an invisible spot at the back of the bar, Chloe lets her voice fill the room. It was Molly who insisted that they sing this song together during one of their performances. Of course, she doesn't know anything about the relationship between Chloe and her roommate, like everyone else. Chloe couldn't find a valid excuse not to sing it, her friend knows full well that she loves the song._

_| My old man is a tough man_

_But he got a soul as sweet as blood red jam_

_And he shows me, he knows me, every inch of my tar black soul |_

_She shivers imperceptibly at the words. Of course, it's about love and she still doesn't know how the man feels about her. But she can relate to so many of these sentences that it becomes ridiculous. When the song ends and she steps off the stage, Maria walks up to her._

_“Can I talk to you?_

_-Sure”. She follows Maria, intrigued. It sounds serious._

_“I know what you’re doing.”_

_She freezes, staring worriedly at the leader's grave face. Her stomach twists. Is she talking about her and Joel? Did she guess everything with this song? Yet she had been careful to sing it when he was away on patrol, so as not to risk someone makes the connection when seeing them._

_“I know you and Derek sometimes play electro music at the diner. It gave ideas to some young people who now would like a party like this. As they saw in the movies._

_-Oh! I see. And?_

_-Well, since you and Derek started it, I thought you might want to end it and organize it._

_-But where? We can’t do this in the church!_

_-I can leave the City Hall to you, as long as you clean it after.”_

\--------

That’s how she found herself in charge of the evening. And what an evening. Judging by the room temperature, it’s a success. Everyone is in a t-shirt despite the late snow still present outside. As if nature still hadn't realized it was spring. Joel pulls her out of her thoughts, grabbing her by the waist to pull her closer and speak into her ear.

"Do you know what I'm thinking about now?"

She responds by shaking her head. He pulls her closer again, his deep voice making her tremble.

“My mouth between your legs.

-Joel! You can't tell me stuff like that.” She gently pushes him away, eyes wide. She can't believe he dares to say such things to her in public, even if the only way to be heard is to speak into the ear of the other person. He brings her closer to him again.

“Have you seen how you're dancing? There is no reason that I am the only one in pain.

\- Yeah, right, you really seem in pain.

-Girl, you know what I’ve to think to stay calm right now? Clickers!"

She bursts out laughing, snatching a satisfied look from him. He always feels a kind of pride when he is the source of that sound that warms his heart.

"Watch out, or it might get weird next time you're on patrol."

They are carefree. Unconscious. Joel dancing is surprising enough to grab attention. But she adds to it, as she comes a little too close, sways a little too sensually. The music is loud, people have been drinking, their senses are disturbed, but they still notice the game between the two roommates. Everyone knows how he has looked after her since she arrived in Jackson.

For many, this relationship is similar to the one he has with Ellie. So seeing them dance like this surprises them, at best. In some people, much stronger feelings are triggered. Chloe and Joel have let their guard down, they are now at the mercy of attacks. A first remark bursts out as they stop for a drink.

“Hey Joel, aren’t you a bit old to dance like that with her?

\- I had to hold her, she can stand up more, she drank too much.” The man responds with a shrug, using his usual calm. She, as always, is much less reserved.

“Bullshit! It’s not because of alcohol!"

She lifts her leg and lays it on the counter, showing her heels.

"Try to stay hours on these and then you can talk.

-Holy shit you're flexible!"

She smiles at the words, keeping her gaze fixed on Joel's. He knows how much she is. His face is impassive, but she is convinced of it: at this moment, he must think of bloaters to stay unmoved. She laughs at the idea and throws herself back into the crowd of dancers.

He goes to sit on a sofa in the corner. She joins him moments later, when the song isn't even over.

"Yeah, I've danced enough".

He laughs and hands her a glass. Water. But she doesn't protest. She could even swear she'd never drunk something so good. He comes closer and speaks softly into her ear.

"Let me take you home."

She turns her face to him, quickly realizing what was on his mind. A smirk appears on her lips.

"You're not tired old man?

-After the show you put on tonight? Only a hurricane could stop me.

-Let's go before the wind picks up then.”


	26. Gossip

She yawns as she pulls on her coat. It's 6 a.m. and Joel barely let her sleep. If people knew, they'd stop calling him an old man. But it didn't bother her, on the contrary. After a whole evening teasing him, brushing against his body without being able to do more, she was the first to want to do it.

They had sneaked discreetly out of the party. In the quiet streets of the city, they didn’t touch each other, in case they ran into someone. He would just catch her every now and then, when she slipped because of her shoes, alcohol, or snow. Being outside in the fresh air, contrasting with the electric furnace of the room, had brought out her fatigue and relapsed her ardor. But as soon as the door was closed, he didn't take long to rekindle the embers.

She smiles as she thinks of those moments, barely became memories. She turns around when she hears him coming down the stairs.

“You’re not even staying for breakfast?” He says in the tone of a stupid movie they have seen together. She laughs softly before placing a tender kiss on his lips. Usually, they avoid this kind of gesture outside of the bedroom. But it's still early, who would disturb them? He runs his hand gently across her cheek, speaking in his soft voice.

“Where are you going like that Honey Girl, all tired and hangovered?

-Huh, I promised Maria we'd clean the place right away so she can use this afternoon.

-Wo, you must regret that promise

-You have no idea."

He pulls her against him and places a few kisses on her neck, making her shiver.

"Next time I'll let you sleep.

-Don't you dare" She says chuckling, before kissing him tenderly.

\----

Once the cleaning job is done, she goes to the bar to order food. No way she’s cooking today. As she approaches the counter, she feels a few glances on her. She ignores them, ordering. Finally, someone dares to question her.

“Quite a party yesterday. I never thought Joel would dance like this. You have to be really special for him to do this.”

She just shrugs at first, avoiding the gaze of her questioner. But, feeling that the eyes aren’t looking away, she speaks casually.

“We throw the best party since breakout day and all you do is to gossip? I just bet I could remind him of his twenties. A girl gotta do what she gotta do.

-You reminded him of his twenties when you got home too? Because you guys were hot.

-You know what, I think Maria will be glad, she always needs people to do stuff, and you obviously have a lot of free time to elaborate such silly stories.

-Come on Chloe, the guy is basically your dad and yesterday you were hot as hell. It’s confusing.

-I already have a dad. He’s dead a long time but I sure don’t need a replacement.”

The other is about to respond to her remark, but Seth abruptly dropping Chloe's order stops him. When she meets the judgmental glare of the man, she can't help but snap.

“What, do you have something to say too Seth?

-You bring trouble in the city with your music, and in addition you train good men in sin.

-What sin? Because he was dancing?

-It's a family town here, we have values. This is not the place for a peep show.

-Fuck you Seth."

She grabs the bag containing their meal and storms out of the bar. She should have handled the situation better, but she is exhausted and still under the influence of alcohol. On the road, she is fuming. Why were they all involved in? Couldn't she have a little fun without being spied on? She slams the door of the house behind her, annoyed. But as soon as she sees him, her anger evaporates. They can talk well as long as they want, she knows she's not doing anything wrong.

\----

They spend the rest of the day enjoying movies, food and water close at hand. Everyone in their own chair. She had tried, however, to convince him to let her come against him. But he had categorically refused. No matter what happened the day before, they must continue to observe the rule.

She remained silent, too tired to protest, already worn out by the comments she had received at the cafe. She didn't even tell him about it. What's the point. A lump of sadness stuck in her throat, she wishes he had accepted a little more intimacy between them. She just wants to snuggle with him and take advantage of his warmth for comfort. Once again, she wonders about the nature of their relationship before giving up. She refocuses on the film, where a couple are camping under the stars.

“Sometimes I forget that you could do all of these things before. It must have been nice.

-We could always do it you know. I already did this with Ellie.

-With a rifle and guarding shifts to be sure not to get bitten or slit for our good?

-Most of the time it's quiet. I know places that are safe.

-Yeah, that's what you told last time on the patrol and I had to jump on a runner.

-Come on, let’s do it when the snow will be melted.

-Man, this is poor timing. You tell me about going for a hike, I don't even have the strength to go to the bathroom.”

He laughs before looking at her suggestively.

"If you need a good reason, tell yourself this could be your first time in the wild."

She smiles, but inside it’s bitterness that she feels. What if Seth was right? She dragged him into sin and now he only thinks about that. Maybe there is no relationship. Maybe it's just lust. She closes her eyes so as not to show the tears that are coming up.

\----

"What's going on in this pretty head of yours?”

Joel questions her, facing her thoughtful expression. She doesn't answer right away, just resuming folding the laundry. The days have passed but the eyes are still insistent when she is in the main street.

“Chloe?

\- Do you think Maria could find me a job somewhere other than the cafe?

-Why, what happened?

-People are all hating my guts since the party. They look at me, they gossip and sometimes make comments out loud.

-Are you sure you're not exaggerating? I didn't notice anything in particular.

-Of course, they don't say anything to you. They respect you, they fear you. But me, I'm just the girl who showed up and brought lust to town.

-Come on, don’t say that.

-That’s the truth. Their truth anyway.

-Come on, don’t act like they’re right.

-But maybe they are!

-What do you mean?

-Maybe I’m so broken that I can’t do anything else than bringing lust no matter where I go.

-You're not broken. You're a survivor. And I won’t tolerate you saying that anymore.

-It’s… That’s not even the subject Joel. The problem is that until you do something, I’ll be the butt of mockery and gossips."

The man does not answer immediately, which greatly annoys the young woman. She mumbles a bitter “ _never mind_ ” before going up to her room. A strong signal, she hardly ever goes there, except to get dress. Even when he's on patrol, she sleeps in his bed.

Sitting on the mattress, she ruminates over the events of the last few days. She told him about the darkest times of her life. So why is she incapable of telling him what she is feeling right now? She just wants him to clarify their situation, once and for all.

\-----

In the middle of the night, she slips into his room and takes her usual place in bed. She thought he was sleeping, she was wrong. Slowly, he moves closer to her and hugs her, putting his chest against her back.

"I'm sorry Honey Girl. I… I just like how the situation is now. Things are easier that way.

-They're easy for you. You're not the one people are pointing fingers at.

-I know, I know. But things will settle down, believe me. I need a little time. Give us a few days and we will advise. Can you do this?

-A few days when you will be on patrol, and I alone in front of everyone.

-I have a solution for that. Eugene is going to spend a few days doing repairs in one of his hideouts outside of Jackson, he offers to take you with him. It might allow you to be quiet away from it all.

-Aren’t you afraid to leave me alone with another man?

-No, I trust you."

It’s not the clarification of feelings she expected, but at least he found a solution. And he trusts her. These words alone manage to comfort her. She turns and kisses him tenderly before plunging her nose into his neck. He strokes her hair until she falls asleep in his arms.


	27. Damn it old man, I hate you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: light smut, mention of her past traumas.

_There’s really no better way to start the day_ , Joel thinks to himself as her moans are echoing in the room. He slides his hands behind her back as she’s on his laps. He looks at her losing herself in the limbo of pleasure, still amazed that she lets him burrow into her like that.

Suddenly, the front door slams, making them jump. In a reflex gesture, Joel covers her mouth with his hand. Downstairs, it's Tommy.

“Joel, come here!

-Yeah, 2 sec’, I’m coming.”

He winks at her and she opens her eyes wide as he starts moving his hips again. He knows she’s close, he doesn't want to deprive her of a morning deliverance. Keeping his hand over her mouth so that her ecstatic sounds are not heard, he uses his free hand and whispers dirty things into her ear, knowing full well that that way she will come in no time. Tommy can wait a few more moments.

Too focused on her, he didn't pick up on his younger brother's angry tone.

\----

A few minutes earlier, Tommy was in the streets of Jackson. As he walked towards his brother's house, he admired the layer of snow which was getting thinner and thinner. Soon spring would be totally here, and they would have to say goodbye to that white coat for a few months. Looking at nature allowed him to distract himself from the thankless task that brought him there this morning.

Before she even spoke, he understood that Maria was going to ask him something unpleasant. He knew his wife too well. He sighed at her request. For him, it’s just rumors, it’s not the first time that this has happened and turned out to be false. People have to talk about something, it's human nature.

He had finally given in, and thus found himself early in the morning heading for his brother's house. It was ridiculous, Joel and Chloe couldn't be together, it didn't make sense. He smiles as he thinks of the good laugh they’re going to have when they’ll talk about it. Joel will brush this idea out of his hand and offer him breakfast, and everything will be back to normal within days.

Arrived on the steps of his elder, he raises his hand to knock, but it remains suspended. For some reason he can't explain himself, he prefers to open the door slowly. He enters without a sound, not closing the door behind him. The house seems far too quiet. By this time, Joel should be bustling downstairs. As he walks into the hall, he gets a response, hearing unequivocal noises coming from upstairs.

He was coming to clear up some doubts, and now there are none. He recognized the voices. He feels anger rising in his stomach. He turns and slams the front door before calling for his brother. This one answers him but does not seem to come. The younger goes around in circles, anger growing with every minute the other ignores him. Tommy doesn't want to go upstairs, he doesn't want to see this show, hearing it was more than enough for him to confront his older brother.

“Joel!

-Yeah, yeah, I’m here. Chill brother, what’s the hurry?”

The man begins to descend the stairs, still carefree. Tommy doesn’t give him time to get downstairs before attacking.

“People are talking in town. Maria asked me to talk with you.

-About what?

-You and Chloe.

-Again? Are people still not over this party?

-Well, next time you decide to shag a girl that could be your daughter, don’t act like this with her in front of everyone.”

Joel freezes on the steps he was climbing down. His jaw clenches and his voice grows stern, almost threatening.

“What did you just say?

-You heard me.

-That’s bullshit, people are just bored and need something to talk about.

-Oh yeah, so if I go up to your room right now, I won’t find her, right?”

He makes a move forward, which Joel instinctively seeks to block, betraying himself in the process. Tommy throws him a pissed look to which he responds with a growl.

“It’s nobody business what happens in my house.

-Then you should have kept it in your house, Joel. Because now everyone is wondering and gossiping.

-It’s just Susan and the others being bitchy, they soon will find something else to talk about, I don’t even get why you bothered coming here.

-I think it’s kinda obvious.

-We’re both adults. Why are you suddenly in such a hurry to meddle in my private life?

-Because we put Chloe under your protection. I trusted you to take care of her.

-And I think I did. She bounced back, she’s happy now, you’re the one who said that.

-For god sake Joel, do you hear yourself? This is sick, she’s younger than Sarah!”

Joel clenches his fists. He never should have said that name.

“Get out of my house Tommy.

-No. Seriously, just listen to me. Even if we put the age difference aside. You saved her. You listened to her. You took care of her. You’re my brother, I know you didn’t mean bad. But it doesn’t mean it’s all right. She trusts you, you’re the first man she could count on. And by sleeping with her, you’re abusing your position, even if that’s not your intention, that’s what you’re doing.”

Upstairs, Chloe listens nervously to the conversation. She knew Tommy and Maria wouldn't have been thrilled with the news, but she never thought it could take such a turn. She can't hear any more of it, she doesn't have the strength. She needs to get out of there quickly. Joel complains all the time because she leaves her clothes lying around everywhere, but today she's glad she did. She quickly dons her outfit from the day before and heads for the window. She opens it as gently as possible so as not to make a noise and steps over it, slipping over the awning. Slowly, she drops to the ground and hurries out of the place before the two men involve her in their argument.

\---

She spends her day sneaking down the streets, Tommy's words still ingrained in her mind. She needs to talk, but she doesn't know who to turn to. Eugene would have been a huge help. He would have given her advice, he would have perhaps even calmed the tensions between all the Millers. But he's out of town, taking care of god knows what business of his.

Jackson is a small town, and eventually Maria and Tommy find her. Reluctantly, she follows them to the woman's office, who tries to make her feel comfortable with her usual warmth. She doesn't start right away, offering her tea, talking about trivial things. Chloe sighs.

"Why don't you give me your little speech right now, so we're done with it."

Maria is silent, looking at her protégé for a moment before nodding.

"First of all, we want to tell you that we love you, and that we care about you. Nothing that is going to be said or done will change that. "

The young woman discreetly frowns. What is she talking about, are they going to take action against them? She squeezes her fingers on her lap, trying to control her growing anguish by physically anchoring herself.

“Chloe, when someone goes through traumas like you've had, that person tends to get attached to the people who took care of them. Sometimes she thinks she's developing stronger feelings. That can be part of the process, it’s ok. But it's not real. And it's up to caregivers to keep the borders clear, you understand?

-Don’t talk to me as if I was 15 and dumb Maria. I’m twice that age and I can take my own decisions.

-That’s the thing. We’re not sure you’re taking this decision. It might be trauma. We told you you were safe here, we need to keep up our word. We can’t have you, waking up in a few months or a few years, realizing it was all wrong, feeling like he abused you and we let him do. You’d hate us, and you’d be right to.

-I know what abuse look like, believe me, that’s not it. And seriously, who are you to judge our relation like that? Even in QZ they didn’t control people like that.

-You don't seem to realize the consequences of such a relationship. You've been lucky so far, but things could change quickly, and there would be no turning back. "

Tommy is the one to speak this time. Chloe frowns before understanding what he's implying. She lets out a sarcastic sound.

“You’ve seen my stomach. Haven’t you noticed the scars?”

She gauges Maria, who suddenly seems to realize.

“Yeah… They sterilized me. They somehow found a surgeon and he cut me up. How to create a perfect whore, right? No period, no baby. Just a pussy to fill with cum 24/7.”

A grimace of pain crosses Maria's face. She hates when the young woman talks like that. But she quickly regains her serious air. She does not want to make the young woman suffer. She cares too much for her. Her husband resumes in a deep voice.

“Does he know?”

\-------

_“Shit shit shit!_

_-What’s wrong?_

_-I should have pulled off I’m sorry._

_-It’s ok._

_-No it’s not ok, I shouldn’t have!_

_-Joel calm down._

_-I’m so stupid, putting you at risk like that, that’s unforgivable._

_-Joel, stop it.” She’s still on his laps, him inside her. She grabs his chin in her hand, forcing him to look at her. She hesitates, her own eyes look away, she can't tell it. She sighs before letting go._

_“It’s not a problem. You can come as much as you want. They took care of it._

_-Wha-?_

_-I’m sterile.”_

_His gaze is clouding, sad to hear this new atrocity they had inflicted her. He wraps his arms around her in a reassuring hug, swinging gently backwards so that she is lying against him. He kisses her forehead while stroking her hair, rocking her gently, hoping to chase away her bad memories._

\---

Yes, he knows. She just nods her head in response to Tommy, lest the emotion of the memory betray her. Maria sighs, tired. Sometimes she hates being in charge.

“It doesn't change the fact that he took care of you when you were at your worst. That’s not right Chloe.

-So because you're afraid that I might suffer in the future, you want me to suffer today?

-No that's not it. But with your past and your behavior at the party, it's normal that we wonder about the reality of your feelings" Tommy drops. 

"My? Oh I see. Keep saying Jackson is giving it a second chance, but not for whores, right? In the end I'm just a tease, today Joel, tomorrow another? Are you afraid for the good morals of your city?

-That's not what I meant.

-Don't bother Tommy, I get it. No matter what I do, it will be linked to my past. I knew it would end up coming back to me someday, I just didn't think you would be the guy in front of me. If you are done with your sermon, I’m going home.”

She turns to leave the room, but the man calls out to her.

“He agrees with us you know.

-What?

-Tommy” Maria tries to stop her husband, but he doesn't listen to her.

“I spoke to him for a long time. And he comes to the same conclusions as us. This isn’t right, and the sooner it ends, the better for everyone.

-You’re lying.

-No, it’s him who asked me to speak to you. Look at me. You know me, you know I'm not lying. It’s over Chloe. But we're here for you, to help you through this difficult time.

-Go to hell.”

She slams the door and runs away. She's even too upset to cry. How can Joel let himself be turned around so easily? Is this all the value she has in his eyes? Doesn't she even deserve for him to talk to her in person? She wants to convince herself that this is all fake, that he's somewhere in town looking for her. But she knows that's not what he's doing. Tommy has his faults, but he's no liar.

She wanders aimlessly in the streets, totally lost. She has nowhere to go. In a daze, she cannot hear the footsteps approaching her. The hand that closes on her shoulder makes her jump. Molly is there, a big smile on her lips.

\----

Loud music makes her body vibrate, easing whatever sense the alcohol has not taken from her. A few hours earlier, her friend had dragged her to her flat. Chris was having a party at his house, they had to get ready. Chloe had followed, hiding all of her distress from her friend. She had put on the clothes the young woman lent, had put on makeup, and started drinking.

Now she drinks from the neck of a bottle that one of the men passed her, his greedy eyes riveted on her gestures. She puts her arms around his neck and laughs loudly as he makes her dance. A sound that passes for joy to the others around, but which in reality only hides her hope shattering into a thousand pieces inside herself.

\----

"John, have you seen Chloe?

-Yes, she's at that party at Chris’. I've been there a bit, but I’m too old for this now."

The two brothers thank the man. They have been anxiously walking the streets of the city for hours in search of her. They’re about to leave when John calls out to them.

"By the way, Joel, I wanted to tell you… Sorry for all the talks, you know how it is, we see things and we go nuts. But I just saw her with this Ryan, and it had nothing to do with how she acted with you the other day. So, yeah, sorry, I guess."

Joel nods, tightening his jaw tightly. His brother opens his mouth, but he growls at him to stay silent. They have to go out there and end this thing once and for all. When he enters the house, Joel immediately spots Chloe. In the corner of the room, she's sitting on this Ryan's lap, giggling at what he says. He tries to keep his cool and walks over to her.

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

She shakes her head. She knows what he's going to tell her, she's seen his gaze. And the presence of Tommy with him only confirms that. She stands up, grabbing the other's hand to go back to dancing. Ryan boasts.

“Back up old man, she clearly doesn’t want you here.”

Joel glares at the impetuous man who just spoke. A gesture that is enough to make him lose all his confidence and take a few steps back. The older man refocuses on her.

“Come on Chloe, don’t make this harder.”

She holds his gaze, passing all the anger she's feeling right now. But she doesn't want to put on a show, for the moment only Ryan seems to have seemed to notice this interaction. She whispers _fine_ and walks toward the exit, grabbing her coat as she goes. Meanwhile, Tommy makes sure no one is following them.

In the courtyard, the cold makes her shiver. Joel stands at the other end with his back turned. _He's not even going to look at me_. She's brain fogged with alcohol but she sees clearly in her lover's behavior. _Former lover_. When Tommy also arrives and confronts her, her anger flares up, making the situation explosive.

“What the fuck was that?

-What Tommy, I'm a whore right? So I play my role as expected! "

A heated discussion ensues. Both of them shout harsh words with no meaning other than that of the anger that drives them. The older man remains hopelessly silent. There are none of his brother's arguments that he has not already said to himself. Before cracking. Before giving in to his primary instincts. His brother and Chloe keep going without minding his presence.

"You're making your case worse, how do you expect people to take you seriously if you do things like that?!

-Enough!"

Joel's voice blows in the air, causing them to stop immediately. She turns to him, their eyes finally meet. She clenches her jaw knowing it will be hard to hear.

“They’re right Chloe. We can’t do that. I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of the situation like that.

-Joel, that’s bullshit and you know it.”

He swallows hard, looking at that face he had watched so many times, peacefully asleep next to him. This body he had held against him. This soul he had poured out on. He looks down, knowing he won't be able to continue if he stares at her piercing gauze.

“I'm joining the group leaving tomorrow to look for resources in the west. You’ll stay with Tommy and Maria the time they find you a better place to stay. That’s the best. For everyone.

-So that’s it? _Thank you for the good time, now let’s forget about it_? That's all it was worth?

-I… I’ll pack your stuff before leaving.”

That’s all he can answer. He doesn't want to dwell on his feelings so he starts to walk away. Anger mixed with sadness squeezes her stomach. Is that for real? Is he really leaving like this? She can't help but speak her mind, her voice cracking.

“I thought you were different.”

He pauses for a moment but doesn’t turn around. He knows that if he does, he will crack. He must be strong, for her. So, despite her voice calling out his name, he walks away without a word. Tomorrow he would be far away.

She tries to catch up with him, but Tommy stops her. Without her realizing it, tears started to roll down her cheeks. She didn't think it would turn out like this. She thought he would have fought for her. That finally, she was worth something to someone. Once again, she had been wrong. When Joel is no longer in sight, the blond man finally lets her go.

“Come on, Maria is waiting for us.

-Get your head out of your ass Tommy, I’d rather sleep in the snow than coming with you.

-I know you hate me but one day you’ll understand. You’ll thank me.

-Don’t hold your breathe.

-You’re drunk, come on.

-I won’t come with you. I’ll go back inside and sell my ass to one of them so I’ll have a bed. That’s what you want from me anyway.

-If you think I’ll let you do that.

-She can sleep at my place.”

They both jump, turning to the voice that interrupted them. Molly.

\------

“So that’s true. You two are together? I thought it was all gossip. "

Slumped on the sofa, she looks at her friend. She had never told her about this strange relationship between her and the oldest Miller. Now alone in the young woman's apartment, it is time for confessions. She angrily takes a sip of whiskey before speaking, her voice full of muffled anger.

“Nope, we’re not. We can’t say there’s something between two people if that something happens only in a close bedroom, right?”

She knows it's wrong. Probably. But it's easier to believe that. To believe that he is leaving her because he doesn’t care about her. Because it was nothing. Rather than accepting him leaving despite his feelings. Him not fighting for her. She rubs her forehead. She doesn't quite know what to think anymore, alcohol having definitely taken control of her mind.

\---

“Maria dropped this while you were asleep.”

Molly walks into the young woman's room, handing her a gym bag. Her things, gathered by Joel as he said he would. He must already be far from town by now. Sitting on the bed, she contemplates the object. A few hours ago, she thought she had a home and a man who truly cared for her. Now, she is alone and all her life fits in a large sports bag. Cruel return to reality. None of this had been hers. She had only been a guest, in his home and in his heart. Now he was taking back his property.

Molly brings her a cup of tea and helps her put her things in the closet. As she sets her books down on the nightstand, her friend asks her about a t-shirt found at the bottom of the bag. _No, it's not hers_. She grabs it and slowly brings it to her face. His smell. She sits down and keeps it close, feasting on the reassuring scent.

 _Damn it old man, I hate you_.


	28. Separated

With her eyes riveted on the clock, Chloe waits until it reaches the time she deems proper to start drinking. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. That’s it. She opens the bottle found in a cupboard and squeezes a glass which she gulps down. She hears the doorbell ring but doesn't move, letting Molly answer. She doesn't want to see anyone. She just wants to drink and forget that once again her life is derailed.

“What the fuck is going on?!”

Ellie just storms in the living room, with her usual impatient energy. Chloe sighs and refills herself a glass, which she begins to drink as she listens to the young teen chattering.

“I don’t get it, Joel’s house was empty, I couldn’t find neither of you, only to find out that you live here now, and that Joel left for this trip on a whim. That makes no sense, what happened?

\- It’s… Complicated. Tommy and Maria thought it was better that I move out.

-Wait… It's over between you two? "

Chloe looks up sharply, finally meeting the teenager's face. The latest makes an embarrassed smile before confessing.

“Yeah, I knew”.

\---

_Joel opens his eyes wide as he enters the house. Everywhere, from the kitchen to the dining room, empty or full jars, mountains of fruits and vegetables and more or less clean utensils are spread out. In the middle of this mess, Chloe, who runs everywhere. He walks forward, taken aback._

_"I left only a few hours ago, what happened?!_

_-We realized that the production was too high this year, that we were going to lose all that because we would not be able to eat it. So I proposed to make preserves so that nothing was lost."_

_He walks into the kitchen, looking at the dozens of preparations spread out across the room. Approaching a crate of apples, he picked up one, half chard. He goes to throw it but a cry of protest from the young woman stops him._

_"What, it's all damaged, there's no point in keeping it._

_-It's only one half, the other half will still be good for making applesauce."_

_He frowns as he puts the fruit down but doesn't say anything. He just watches her pick up her hellish pace all over the kitchen. He worries about her. This is one of her recurring anxieties. She never said a thing about it, of course, but he guessed it through his questions. She is afraid of missing out, a characteristic often shared by those who have experienced the hardships of QZ. But it goes further than that. She is afraid of losing knowledge. Whenever someone tells her about one of his skills, she can't help but wonder if anyone else knows it. Like her books. To believe that she was trying to store up all the knowledge of the world to pass it on to subsequent generations._

_A cry of pain snaps him from his thoughts. Going too fast, she dropped some jam on her arm, the boiling sugar burning her skin. He decides to intervene and pulls her firmly over to the sink, holding her arm under the water, giving her no choice. In a deep voice, he couldn't help but lecture her._

_“You need to slow down. I know why you're doing this, but we're no more in the QZ. We don't have to save every bit of food anymore. We have good harvests, we can afford to lose a little of them. The town doesn’t need all this food._

_-Yet._

_-What do you mean?_

_-What if it happens to us like in interstellar and all the plantations start to die?_

_-It won't happen._

_-Yeah, that's probably what you would have said before 2013 to someone telling you about brain-eating disease, and look where we are now. Imagine it mutates and attacks our food._

_-We will adapt. We always adapt. You don't need to make all those preserves._

_\- I don’t see what harm it can do if I make them. I keep doing all my duty, I serve at the bar, I take my turn for surveillance on the wall. Why can’t I make cans with the excess food in my spare time?_

_-No harm, I'm just worried. Honey girl, you need to learn to stop. You have the right to rest. You will be of no use to us if you are exhausted."_

_She looks away, biting her lip. It's true that she is tired, she hasn't stopped in recent days, the big dark circles under her eyes are there to prove it. It wasn't that she didn't want to stop, but her anxieties had not let go. Often times she would fall asleep in Joel's arms before waking up a few hours later. Even with his reassuring presence next to her, with his peaceful face, she was unable to reason with herself, to get over it. Often, she could not get back to sleep until the last hours of the night, just before he woke up._

_Still keeping her arm under the trickle of cold water, Joel slides his hand over her chin so that their eyes meet. Delicately, he puts his lips to hers in a comforting gesture. She's about to snuggle up to him when the back door slams shut, causing them to pull away awkwardly._

_"What are you doing?_

_-Hey Ellie. Canned fruits and vegetables, wanna help me?_

_-In fact, I came for Joel. The water is not flowing very well in my shower, can you come take a look?"_

\---

"You've seen it all?

-By the window. I already suspected it, I had seen certain looks from Joel, certain gestures he had for you and for no one else. But I said nothing to Tommy and Maria, I swear, it's not me.

-I know. It's us, we let our guard down and we got tricked like beginners.

-And then, it's over, just like that?

-Looks like it.

-It's bullshit, you can't let them decide for you.

-I agree." The young woman says in a whisper before taking a new sip of liquor. Once again, she hasn’t been in control of her destiny. Again, she has only been the good man's toy.

She looks at Ellie, now seated next to her on the sofa. The alcohol helping, she dares to ask her.

“Who’s Tess?”

Ellie looks up at the older woman, taken aback. _Yeah, she was someone important_. Otherwise she would never have had that reaction. Chloe had heard that name slip out of Joel's mouth one night when he was mumbling while sleeping, she reading a book next to him, unable to fall asleep.

“Come on Ellie, your face has already said too much.

\- She was Joel's business partner back in Boston.

-“Business” partner?

-I… Look, I only knew her for a day. She got bitten trying to save me. We left her behind and continued on. I don't know anything more, Joel always forbade me to talk about her after that."

Chloe snorts bitterly. _Say nothing and move on_. The Miller method in all its glory. She bites the inside of her cheek. She should stop there but can't help but want to know more.

“How was she?

-A real badass. She sure knew how to defend herself. Fun too, in a cynical way. And… Beautiful.

-So… she was perfect.’’ _For him_. She adds in her head before taking a sip again. She doesn't have to ask the question. She does not doubt his feelings for this Tess. You don't dream of such a woman if you don't love her. Not after so long. How could she have compared to his lost love? It was a foregone conclusion. She just hadn't had all the cards in her hand.

\-----

“Do you know when Joel and the others come back from their expedition? They must have been gone for two weeks now.

-No idea, but I know they had to cover a great distance. It will depend on what they find in the first town, I guess.

-By the way, is it true that you no longer live at his place?

-Yeah, I didn't feel like staying alone all this time in the big house. Besides, it's fun living with Molly, I'll probably stay with her even when he comes back. I've crashed his place for too long, it was supposed to be temporary, so it was time I get out of his hair.

-He's a lone wolf, right? Molly must be a better roommate!

-Her clothing collection is better!”

The man leaning on the counter laughs at this mischievous remark from the young woman. She walks away with a facade smile to go clean a table that has just become vacant. Why is there always someone talking to her about him?

Of course, people are curious. They lived together, they were close and eventually she moved away while he went on an expedition. But at least the rumors have gradually faded, soon completely forgotten by all. Living with her great friend, coupled with the argument that she now goes out to everyone, as well as her closeness to Ryan that night, had calmed people down.

\----

She is on duty when she hears the news. Her heart rate is racing, and she cannot control it. She scolds herself internally. She must keep a cool head. She must not get carried away. As she hadn't gotten carried away when she saw his t-shirt out of the bag. This t-shirt she had kept close to her all these weeks, when she was in her bedroom. She knows perfectly well that its presence means nothing. Joel had just wanted to make sure that she continued to sleep, despite all these changes in her life.

It’s truly over between them, she knows that. So she stays unmoved when she hears two customers say that the expedition has just returned. It’s not until later, as she steps out for some fresh air during her break, that her heart stops. There he is, walking up the main street, a bag in his hand. He looks tired, his clothes and his face are dirty. His beard has grown. Tears rise to her eyes as his gaze meets hers. She gives him a faint smile before heading back inside to resume her shift.

\---

In the days following his return, he comes to the bar, whether she is working or not. So, as if by tacit agreement between them, they discuss a little, as before. Except instead of acting out so that no one would find out about their relationship, they now had to hide the absence of it. Often times Tommy or Maria is around, hogging the conversation so they don't have to.

Sometimes she looks at him out of the corner of her eye. He looks fine. He looks less tired, and his beard has returned to a normal appearance. Really, he looks fine. As if nothing had happened. As if none of this had affected him. She ends up being totally convinced that this is how he feels. In the end, she had been a passing fad, and thanks to Tommy, he had the opportunity to move on without having to take care of her anymore.

In a corner of the bar, she hears Susan chattering. She never fails to capture the man’s attention since his return. Now that Chloe no longer lives at his place, the redhead no longer sees any obstacle to her happiness with Joel. Surrounded by her friends, she announces that she has invited Joel to her place for dinner. Clearly, this time will be the right one. She speaks in a false low voice, making sure everyone, especially Chloe, can hear her.

The young woman tightens her grip on the glass she is cleaning before setting it down and disappearing into the back kitchen. She clenches her teeth. No. She wouldn't cry because of that bitch. If Joel wants to nail her, good for him. It's not her business anymore.


	29. I think he’s already hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill, the || mean that Chloe is singing. Some of the songs are from after 2013 but I love them too much and some of them are with me since the very beginning of this story, inspiring me when it was just a little story I was telling in my head when I felt bored or sad.

_"You ever been to New York?_

_-Yeah._

_-Doesn’t sound like a pleasant memory._

_-No, not really.”_

_His eyes are lost in the void. His mind is back in the dark hallway, his trembling hand knocking on the door, long minutes of waiting. Screams. Chloe's hand on his arm brings him back to reality. He turns his head towards his lover, lying at his side. His first instinct would be to shut up, to keep everything to himself. But she has revealed so much to him about her life, he feels he should confide a little too._

_“My ex-wife. I told you she left without a trace. But one day, I received papers. She was asking for divorce. She didn’t even write a note, just cold legal papers from a lawyer in New-York. I went to her mother and convinced her to give me her address in the city._

_-What happened?_

_-I went there. Not to get her back, I knew we weren’t made to be together. But for Sarah.”_

_He turns his head away again. He remembers every sound, every word hurting like daggers._ Go away. I don’t have a daughter. Leave me alone. _They had violent arguments when they were still a couple, but nothing like this. In the end, their marriage was more like a forced union to repair a teenage mistake than a love story. He swallows hard before answering the young woman._

_“She didn’t open the door. She even threatened to call the cops, as if I were an abusive husband who had stalked her across the country. I just wanted answers. For my daughter. But I didn’t get a single one. So, I went to her lawyer, sign the goddamn papers, and went home to Sarah. After that, we never heard from her again. "_

\-------

ABBA – The winner takes it all

|I was in your arms  
Thinking I belonged there|

Her eyes fixed on an invisible spot at the back of the bar, she sings again. She didn't want to, but Molly had insisted so much for them to come back on stage that she finally gave in. Now she stands in front of all these people who have come to listen to them sing their sad love songs.

| But tell me does she kiss  
Like I used to kiss you  
Does it feel the same  
When she calls your name |

She knows Joel’s there. She just saw him come in, although she acted like she didn’t. She doesn’t want for the others to make things up now that they've all dropped the rumors of a relationship between them. Her gaze meets Maria's. She disapproves of their song choices tonight, no doubt. But her expression says something else, something Chloe can't quite read.

\-------------

_“Let it go Maria. We've hardly seen each other since he came back. No need to play the watchdogs._

_-I don't play watchdogs._

_-Why all these questions then?_

_-I just want you to be happy Chloe._

_-So what, I should go and throw myself on the neck of a man my age to please you? But tell me, which of them will accept my past? Which one will only be able to hear what I've been through?”_

_The blonde looks at her sadly. She who is often of good advice finds herself speechless. She can’t answer. Her convictions shaken._

\-------------

  
Lana del Rey - Cinnamon girl.

|There's things I wanna say to you, but I'll just let you live

Like if you hold me without hurting me

You'll be the first who ever did |

Joel is now in a corner of the room. She knows he has his eyes on her. She can feel it. She has to regroup all her willpower so as not to turn her head towards him. She wants to look at him, follow every line of his face, read every expression in it. See if what she sings elicits any emotion in him.

But she knows she shouldn't. So, she focuses again on an invisible point away from her. She now regrets having chosen only sad love songs. But that's all she wants to sing at the moment. The last one promises to be the most trying to sing, because the most relatable.

Before starting it, she bends down to grab the glass that has remained at her feet the whole time. She empties its content to give herself courage before letting go the first notes, accompanied by Molly's piano.

Lana del Rey – Happiness is a butterfly

|Do you want me or do you not?

I heard one thing, now I'm hearing another|

That, of course, was for his way of acting the day Tommy found out. In the morning he slept with her to better abandon her in the evening, without any signs of remorse or regret. She clenches her fists and continues to sing despite the sharp pain she feels throughout her body.

Leaning on a table in the corner of the room, Maria listens to the young woman singing, feeling Eugene's gaze burning her. She turns her head towards him, defensive.

“What Eugene?

-She's miserable Maria.

-No she's not.

-She’s heartbroken.

-Not anymore. I heard she started dating Ryan.

-How can someone as smart as you can be so blind. She’s doing that to please you.”

He sighs and walks away, not giving the leader time to respond. This is neither the time nor the place to do it, he will lecture her another time. Either way, he knows his last words will make her think.

|If he's a serial killer, then what's the worst

That can happen to a girl who's already hurt?

I'm already hurt|

No “if” here. He’s a killer. She heard his stories one after the other, without judging him, without being afraid. He poured himself over her shoulder, as she had done with her own painful memories. Not once had she shuddered when she heard his confessions. She had accepted every mischief, every inhumanity of his stories. He had accepted her despite her heavy past, and she was doing the same for his.

|If he's as bad as they say, then I guess I'm cursed

Looking into his eyes, I think he's already hurt

He's already hurt |

Chloe opens her eyes and poses them on Tommy and Maria, now standing side by side. This verse is addressed to them. When they separated them a few weeks before, they had claimed to do it for their own good. And she knows it, they sincerely believe that was the best course of action. So that they don't suffer. But like the song says, they're already hurt.

Tears run down her cheeks but her voice doesn't waver. She sings with all her heart, all her rage. The following words are directly addressed to him. She spits them out as if it were poison to be expelled. She wants him to hear her. Let him feel all the pain she felt when he left her that night, alone in the snow, not responding to her pleas.

| I said, "Don't be a jerk, don't call me a taxi"

Sitting in your sweatshirt, crying in the backseat, ooh

I just wanna dance with you

I just wanna hold you tight down the avenue|

Her voice grows weaker as she sings the final words, Molly backing up to support her friend. She doesn't really pay attention to her surroundings anymore. She feels exhausted and would give anything to be in bed, to forget this sorrow which twists her heart. The applause brings her back to reality. She discreetly wipes her tears and sticks a fake smile on her lips.

“That's it for me, but I believe the wonderful Molly still has things in store for you. A happy song please my dear, before all the alcohol stocks in town are dry "

She walks off the stage to go towards the bar, looking straight and proud to better avoid seeing the faces of the people around her. His face. As she almost reaches her destination, the first piano notes bring her to a halt. _I don’t like to sleep alone_ , by Paul Anka. She can't help but call out to Molly.

"For god sake I said a happy one!"

A few people laugh while the pianist gives her a mischievous smile before starting to sing. Chloe sighs and asks Derek for a drink. Sitting on a stool, her back bent towards the counter, she plays with the contents of her glass. Someone sits next to her. She doesn't have to turn her head, she knows it's him, remorseful. She takes a sip and sighs.

“It’s ok Tommy, I’m not mad at you anymore.

-You’re not?

-I’m not happy but I don’t hate you.

-So we’re good?

-I guess.”

The conversation ends there, they remain silent side by side. Deep down, she understands why he reacted like that, why he made these decisions. She doesn't blame him anymore. The more time passes, the more she even tells herself that they have been right to intervene. This relationship was going nowhere.

And yet, she can’t help but glance around the room. In vain. Joel has already left. She looks back at her glass, gesturing for Derek to refill it again.

\----

In the street, she takes her time to come home, alcohol and fatigue distracting her usually confident walk. Despite the return of sunny days, she shivers. A well-known voice has just been heard.

"Chloe"

She stops and clenches her jaw. Her eyes are closed and her whole face is marked with pain. She's not strong enough for that. Not strong enough to listen to him. She slowly turns to look at him.

Joel is there, a few feet from her. He waited in an alley to see her come out of the bar, away from the prying eyes that inhabit this city. He looks tired and sad, but she knows she can't give in to her urges. She must be strong. If she listens to herself, if she gets close to him now, she will suffer again.

She shakes her head _no_ before turning her back on him and walking to her apartment.

Throat tight, tears in her eyes.


	30. Summer dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of her past abused.  
> No proofreading, checking for mistakes or stuff to be better written, we die like men around here (aka, doing stupid things).

When he had agreed to help Eugene with some repairs in his workshop, Joel had not expected to receive a sermon. And yet, he would soon feel like the teenager he once had been, sheepish in front of his father. When they take a break, the older man attacks without taking a detour.

“Why did you give up on her, Joel?”

The called one freezes and looks up at the other, completely stunned by this question. Eugene knew about them. He's not really surprised though, his elder always guesses everything. He resumes sanding the plank of wood he was working on, muttering his answer.

“I didn’t. I just did what’s best for her.

-You’re such a moron. You might be fifty but you’re still stupid as a 15-year-old boy. You really make me want to kick your ass.

-This relation. It wasn’t right. I was the first man she could trust, and I abused this position. I’m no better than the men of her past.

-Come on, that’s not true.

-You don’t know what she’s been through Eugene.

-Yes, I do. So tell me, what have you done to think of yourself as one of these men? Did you rape her? Hit her? Pointed a gun at her before coming back and acting like the best boyfriend ever?

-Off course not. But you know what a therapist would say. That she was being intimate with me just because I’m the first one not mistreating her. She got attached to me because of the trauma.

-Yeah, therapists also said we all wanted to have sex with our mothers. We’re no longer in that world Joel. As men, we think we need to be princes saving women. Truth is, they don't need us. You didn't save Chloe. You helped her, that for sure, but she saved herself. She’s strong and smart. She gets along with other people, she knows them, she trusts them. She wasn’t with you because you’re the first one she could trust.”

He pauses for a moment, eyeing the man in front of him. He who usually seems so sure of himself, so unwavering, does not seem to know what to think. Eugene decides to drive the point home once and for all.

“If she was with you, it’s because she chose it. So stop being a dick and talk to her. Maybe you can still fix things up. Because you two are made for each other. I’ve seen how she evolved since she’s with you. And I saw you change too. You need her Joel.

-I know.

-So leave my damn workshop and go find her.”

\-------------------

In the church, all the inhabitants are gathered to celebrate the shortest night of the year. Summer is finally here to shower them with its delights. Under the lanterns, the dancing couples let themselves be carried away by the soft folk music played by the group. Seated alone, Chloe plays with her drink, staring blankly at the dance floor. She smiles faintly when Eugene joins her.

“Why ain't you dancing?

-Derek is behind the bar, Molly is with Chris and you told me your leg hurt. I can’t dance on my own.

-What about Joel? Is alone right there.

-Come on, you know I can’t dance with him anymore.”

She replies bitterly. He turns his head towards her and details her features. She looks tired. Dark circles adorn her now sad eyes. The bad dreams have resumed, even stronger since his t-shirt no longer bears his scent. Nowadays, she often drinks herself to sleep. So she's too numb to make nightmares.

The old man puts his hand on her arm for support before walking away. Passing in front of Joel, he gives him a heavy look. He knows the man hasn't seen her since their afternoon discussion in his workshop. He just needs a last helping hand to get it done. Eugene's gaze does it. Joel looks up at Chloe, finishes his drink and walks over to her as a new song begins. Without saying a word, he holds out his hand to her. She hesitates for a moment, not even daring to look him in the eye. She finally gives up, letting herself be guided to the middle of the room.

In a corner of the room, Maria opens her eyes wide when she sees the scene. She is not happy with this new connection. But she cannot say anything, do nothing, at the risk of creating a scandal, which would be the opposite of what she wanted to do. So when Eugene approaches her, she can't help but point out bitterly.

“I guess you’re proud of yourself?

-That’s enough Maria. I understand your intentions, I know you are not thinking badly, but that's enough. This has been going on for weeks. They need each other. Give me one good reason to stop them.

-This can’t be right. He was her protector, she confided in him.

-When we arrived here, didn't Tommy tell you about all his griefs? Do you think he told someone other than you?

-It’s not the same, I didn’t take care of him for days. And we’re the same age, it’s not some kind of twisted daughter-father relationship.

-Cut it with your armchair psychiatry, she’s not looking for a dad in him. She’s younger, yes. But maybe her youth is exactly what Joel needs. I believe this man was never anything else but serious. It can't hurt him to have a little carelessness in his life, don't you think?

-But Chloe. I don't want her to be hurt. She suffered enough.

-She's suffering alright. Look at her, look at her truly, not as you want to see her but as she is. She looks exhausted and miserable, she just sticks a smile on her face to cheat us all, but it doesn't. Maybe one day she'll come to the same conclusion as you. But it would be her decision. And in that time, you'll be here to help her. But let her make her own choices. You don't intervene in the relationship of other people around here, so stop doing it for them. For God sake, just let them be. Because right now, they just need that. They just need each other.”

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight

On the dance floor, the former lovers ignore all the discussions taking place a few meters from them. They don't pay attention to their surroundings either. The whole town could be watching them, they wouldn't know. No, right now nothing else matters to them than this contact with the other, like a burn that none of them wants to soothe.

"Everyone turns to see  
This beautiful lady  
That's walking around with me  
And then she asks me, "Do you feel alright?"  
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight"

He's aching. Her head is down but he knows she is crying. He knows her too well. He closes a little more his hand clutching her waist, discreetly. She squeezes her fingers on his. Seen from the outside, they are just two friends dancing innocently.

But they know, and Tommy and Maria know, that this is not innocent. Only their guardian angel, materialized in the form of Eugene, manages to make the older couple listen to reason when they want to stop them. Joel leans in and speaks softly, close to her ear.

“You want to get out of here?"

She turns her head away and asks, more bitterly than she intended to.

“Won’t Susan miss you?

-She means nothing to me.”

She looks up, finding in his eyes a glimmer that unsettles her. He never sounded so sincere as he does now. Forgetting all caution, she nods. Even if she has to suffer again, she can't put him off any longer. He lets go of her waist but keeps her hand in his, leading her discreetly out of the room.

In the street, they say nothing. She lets herself be guided, walking slightly behind him. She doesn't know where they're going, or what's going to happen, but she doesn't care. She would go wherever he wanted, as long as she could keep her fingers intertwined in his.

\----

“Do you think Maria knows about this place?

-No idea, Eugene is a man full of resources... and hideouts. What is certain is that we will be quiet, no one will come and get us here.”

Silence falls between them. Quiet to do what? Even Joel doesn't really know. Eugene had given him access to this place, in a deserted corner of town at this time of night. He let go of her hand to open the door, and since then they've been standing away from each other. Awkwardly.

To gain composure, Joel turns and searches the bag he left there. He takes out a box and hands it to her. She looks at it, puzzled, before opening it. Her misty eyes lift up to him. He explains with an embarrassed smile.

“You always said you dreamed of a locket. I couldn't not bring it back.”

She holds the jewel, sliding the chain through her fingers. He walks up to hang it on her. In a slow motion, she lifts her hair, revealing the back of her neck. His heart misses a beat, seeing the lines he touched so many times in the past. As his hand brushes her skin, she shivers softly, as if a faint electric shock has just passed through her body.

She turns around and their eyes meet, shy. She smiles as she takes the jewel between her fingers, whispering a soft thank you. He would like to bend down to kiss her, but he pulls himself together and goes back to searching in his bag.

“I, eh, I brought you that too. It was one of my favorite books when I was young.

-You shouldn’t have. That's a lot of space taken up for the good of just one person.

-Not just any person."

She looks away and focuses on the book. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. It’s heavy. It must have weighed heavily among all his belongings. She knows he was only able to bring a limited number of things from his weeks-long trip in the West. That he sacrificed room for her touches her. Silence is heard again. As if neither of them knew how to act. He dares to ask a question that burns his lips.

“So... You and Ryan uh?

-No. There's nothing.

-I heard you are dating.

-We were. Kinda. Until he decided he waited enough and deserved a treat for being patient.

-Did he hurt you?

-Na. He just got mad when I said no. ‘Called me a teaser before slamming the door.

-What a gentleman.

-Yeah, because you're so perfect.”

He lowers his head nervously, caught. Silence falls. She looks up and pierces him with her gaze.

“What are we doing here Joel.

-I don’t know.

-You must know a little. Otherwise you wouldn’t have brought me here, you wouldn’t have prepared those gifts.”

He sighs and scratches the back of his head in an embarrassed gesture.

“You know I’m not a man of words.

-Show me then. Because right now I’m confused, and alone, and sad. I miss you like crazy. I don’t care what they say. I know it’s real. I just want to find back what we had. "

He steps forward and takes her face in his right hand, wiping a tear that runs down her cheek. He leans in and grabs her lips in a gentle motion, almost a caress. When he detaches his face, he rests his forehead against hers and whispers softly, like a secret.

“I miss you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some common sense is back in the city. But will it last?


	31. Danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: a lot in this chapter => she's affronting her past trauma + physical/psychological violence + abusive talk + everything hurt and I'm sorry.

Perched on his horse, Joel only half listens to the story his brother tells him. She is there, just a few feet from him, and yet so far away. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches her, her words from the day before still anchored in him. Her sad smile, the soft kiss on his cheek before she walked away, refusing to even stay to have dinner with him.

They started seeing each other again, still in secret. In the month since Eugene had left them his hideout, they had only seen each other four times, maybe five. The place was full of odds and ends, and the sofa bed wasn't in its prime anymore. But lovers don't need much to hold each other.

However, not everything is back to the way it was before. A certain embarrassment remains between them. He continues to want to keep their relationship out of sight. She can't understand people. They all survived an apocalypse, why are they so focused on what two survivors can do to get over it? The burden of secrecy seems to weigh too heavily on the young woman's shoulders.

She winced that morning, seeing that he too was going on that group patrol. She still doesn't like doing this. She only goes out because Maria has asked her to, to relieve the teams from time to time. After all, she knows how to use weapons, and she often watches over the wall. Patrolling is just the next logical step.

They have been on the paths surrounding the city for hours now. He would like to talk to her, but they are surrounded by all the others. He would never be able to approach her to try and work things out. He will have to wait patiently and hope that the young woman will listen to him.

\------

"This was a stupid move Anthony.

-Calm down Joel, it's not like he made it on purpose."

The two brothers are bickering at each other. One of the patrollers fell from his horse, injuring his arm. Now they're near an old warehouse to decide what to do next. The injured was taken to the old guardian house to be laid down. He's fine, but he can't continue the patrol. Tommy decides.

"It's ok. He's gonna rest a little while we continue the patrol, we will pick him up on the way back.

-We can't leave him alone.

-Chloe, can you stay with him?"

The young woman nods and walks into the house. Joel quietly closes his fist. He isn't comfortable letting her alone there, but he can't really object. And then, he knows, if anyone's able to stand up for themselves and protect Anthony, it's her.

After the patrol leaves, Chloe goes up to see the injured, reassuring him. It's not his fault that his horse swerves, it can happen to anyone. She keeps him company until he falls asleep, tired of his emotions and his wounds. She comes back downstairs to make a fire and cook something to welcome the others on their return.

As she stirs the stew, she hears an engine outside. Immediately, her body goes on alert. People don't use cars in Jackson.

"Damn it, it's a dead end. We should have stayed on the fucking highway. Let's go inside and see if we can find stuff at least."

Her whole body tenses. Because they are intruders, of course. But much more than that. This voice. She could bet her life on it. She grabs her gun and goes to hide in another room. Anthony is upstairs, probably asleep. They can't find him, but she can't join him yet.

She hears the voice again. She is afraid but she tries to reason with herself. It can't be him. The country is too big, the probability that he's there, just today that she is too, is almost zero. And yet her stomach tightens, the hairs on her neck stand. The men enter the house.

"Looks like someone's around here. Pay attention guys, I don't want any incident. Be ready but don't shoot just yet. It could be interesting."

Terror takes her. It's him. She's sure of it. She should come out and shoot him. But she can't. Her mind screams at her to run away but she remains paralyzed. This can't be happening. It's just another bad dream.

When she hears the footsteps approaching, the survival instinct finally kicks in. As she steps over the window, the door opens. She turns her head to see his stunned face. She changed, but he recognizes her anyway. Before she runs away, she has time to see a smile on his lips. The same one which haunts her most terrible nightmares.

As she runs to a place to hide, she hears bullets bouncing around her. She responds, emptying the magazine of her weapon, hoping the noise would bring the patrol back faster. They shouldn't be far away now. Taking cover behind abandoned crates in front of the warehouse, she hears Samuel screaming.

"Don't kill her, she is worth more alive than dead."

A cry followed by a thud makes her peek over her makeshift protection. Anthony just shot a man down from upstairs. Now they know he's there. She has to help him, but her gun is empty. Her breathing is erratic, she cannot think, the fear of finding herself again in the hands of her tormentor makes her lose all of her abilities.

More screams and gunshots are heard. The patrol is back. Relief overwhelms her and she finally manages to move. Breaking into the warehouse, she searches for an object that could serve as a weapon if one of the men came near the building.

Hearing her friends makes her let her guard down, she doesn't notice the shadow coming behind her. It's him. He manages to immobilize her, one arm wrapped around her neck. She can't even scream, as if the burn of this contact on her skin made her mute. He starts talking, his mouth against her ear.

"You know you screwed up a lot of shit. They were our best clients until you disappeared and their guys didn't come back. They broke off the deal and I have to cross this fucking country to go see them and negotiate. But now that I have found you, I finally have a gift worthy of the name to present to them. Fate does things well sometimes, don't you think darling?

-Let her go."

A few yards from them stands Joel, soon joined by the whole patrol. Samuel doesn't waste a second and points his gun to her temple. Tears flow from her closed eyes, flooding her cheeks made livid with fear. Her torturer speaks, his eternal mocking smile on his lips.

"Well, well. Here's a lot of people. You seem to care about her. I understand, she's a good whore, it would be a shame to lose a cum-dump like that. But you see she wasn't intended for you. Others bought her from me and are still waiting for her.

-Let her go Samuel.

-Chloe! You spoke about me, I'm flattered. You haven't forgotten who your master was, that's good. But you know what, I think they dress you a little too much around here."

His free hand descends over her body, dangerously reaching the opening of her jeans. Hearing Joel cocking his revolver, he presses the weapon a little harder on the young woman's forehead, defying his rival with his cold steel gaze.

"Be careful Buddy. You know if you shoot me, bam, I'll blow her brains out. None of us want that. It would be a real waste."

She swallows slowly as his hand slides over her skin, lifting the waist of her jeans with two fingers. Joel's face is contorted with rage, but he knows he's helpless. He must patiently wait for the breach in the other's behavior. This one resumes his observation of the woman's body, a satisfied smile on his lips.

"You tattooed her. Maybe I should have done that too, it would have remembered everyone she's my slut."

Tears keep rolling down Chloe's cheeks. She doesn't move. The cold metal of the weapon on her temple frightens her less than the man's hand on her skin. She remains completely still. As if her mind had disconnected. She barely hears the other speak.

"Let's talk business. You killed my men. And probably my partners a few months ago when you stole my whore. But you know what, no hard feeling here. So let's say we all lower our guns. You let me leave with her. I swear I won't come back here, you swear you won't come after me. I think it's a fair deal.

-We won't let you take her.

-Come on old timer. You've a sweet spot for her? Nobody ever told you not to fall in love with prostitutes? What she did to you, told to you, she's done it to tenths, hundreds of other men before you. It ain't real. Let her go."

Suddenly, high-pitched sounds make everyone present tremble. Infected. Probably attracted by all the shots and screams. Part of the patrol turns to face this wave of enemy. Taking advantage of the confusion, Samuel pulls the young woman into the next room, blocking the door with what he finds.

On the other side of the wall, Joel is helpless. He wants to run and smash the door, to prevent them from running away. If they reach the car, it's over, he won't see her again. But there are too many infected. He has no choice, he has to fight.

\------

_Nervously, he paces around the hideout borrowed from Eugene, waiting for her to finally arrive. It has been a week since he last saw her face to face, contenting himself in the meantime with a few words exchanged at the cafe, surrounded by other people. No matter how much he scolds himself for being as impatient as a 15-year-old, he can't help but wait for her, almost anxiously._

_When she walks through the door, he doesn't waste a second before taking her in his arms. Soon he kisses her, too pleased to have her against him again. But as he begins to slip his hands under her shirt, he feels her tighten. He pulls back, only to see the young woman's troubled expression._

_"What's wrong?_

_-I don't know if I can do that._

_-It's ok, we don't have to. I shouldn't have jump on you like that. I just missed you."_

_She doesn't look at him, playing with her fingers nervously. She doesn't know if she should talk. She should probably keep whatever is in her heart to herself, not risk jeopardizing the fragile balance she has found with him. But she can't do it anymore._

_"I'm not talking about sex Joel. I meant, us, hiding like criminals. I don't know if I can go on with this for long._

_-What's going on?_

_-Nothing particular. It's just... When you left. You hurt me, and now I don't know if I can trust you. What tells me you won't find an excuse to walk away again. I thought I could handle it all, that it would be exciting like in the beginning. The secret meetings, the stealthy looks when everyone's back is turned. But we're not teenagers anymore Joel. I need to know where this is going to take us... How you feel."_

_A long silence sets in. He bites his lip, his gaze worried, fleeing. He sighs, running his hand on the back of his neck in embarrassment._

_"You know I'm not good with words, telling how I feel._

_-You can't hide behind this excuse forever. I understand that relationships have always been complicated for you. And I understand that you want to take it slow. But if for you I worth no better than your neighbor before the outbreak, then I think it's better that we stop everything immediately._

_-No, you're not like her._

_-Then what?"_

_He turns his head away, without answering. She sighs before going straight to the point._

_"Look, I think you need to deal with your own problems. You have to put your past behind you and leave a little room for me. I'm not your ex-wife, I'm not Tess. I'm not going to disappear suddenly like they did."_

_He looks at her now, dumbfounded. How does she know about Tess? Hearing the name of this woman from the past in his mistress's mouth makes him anguish. She's the past, she must stay there. Chloe... Chloe is his present. And yet, he can't take that step towards her, that gesture that she expects from him. She continues, hoping to finally get a reaction, a word._

_"I've never done anything else but prove that I stay here with you. I'm not even leaving the city._

_-Well, to be fair you're patrolling now. Tomorrow, even._

_-Yeah, once a month, surrounded by ten people. What could happen to me?_

\-----

The conversation had led nowhere. He had been unable to express his feelings to her and she had left disappointed. Now he is afraid, a fear like he has not known for a long time. He realizes how stupid he has been. He was a coward, and now she could be gone forever. When the last infected is shot, everyone hears the screams of fury coming from the other room. Without thinking, Joel rushes over and smashes the door.

On the other side, what he sees breaks his heart. Chloe sits on top of the man, stabbing him repeatedly, screaming in rage. He's already dead, a pool of blood has formed on the ground, flowing from his sliced carotid artery. She is covered with it, her legs bathe in the red liquid, but she doesn't seem to realize it.

He moves closer to her and grabs her by the waist, lifting her away from the now lifeless body. Everyone is present, dazed in front of this picture. The intruder's body torn apart, Chloe covered in blood, screaming in Joel's arms who holds her tight as if his life depends on it, repeating the same reassuring words over and over.

"It's over Love. It's over. He's dead."

She is crying now, her face nestling in the crook of the man's neck, her hands clinging desperately to his shirt. He rocks her gently, continuing to whisper reassuring words to her.

"He won't hurt you anymore, Honey Girl."

With a wave of his hand, Tommy disperses the patrol members. She doesn't need spectators. Just protection. His arms.

\-----

"I'm taking her home

-I'm not sure it's/

-Molly is out of town anyway. She can't stay alone.

-She can come home, Maria will/

-No Tommy. She's coming to my place. I'm not asking."

With her face sunk into his back, she had barely heard the conversation between the two brothers. She had contented herself with hugging her arms around Joel after he had hoisted her onto his horse. He was the only one who could touch her. She had reacted aggressively when others tried to help her. At that moment, Joel was her beacon in the darkness that surrounded her. The only thing keeping her from sinking.

Now she's sitting on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for Joel to patiently fill it, bucket after bucket. There is still no hot water at home, he must organize himself with the means at hand. She stares blankly, paying little attention to the man's movements. He comes down to her level and slides his hand over her face to get her out of the void where her mind is.

"You want me to help you undress or you want me to go?"

An open question. She can't nod her head to answer. Since the other caught her, she hasn't managed to utter a single word, only to nod her head absently when spoken to. She doesn't want to talk. It seems to be beyond her strength. But she has to. So in a voice distorted after the screams and tears, she manages to whisper a weakling.

"Stay."

He nods and delicately grabs the sleeves of her sweater to take it off. Slowly, he undresses her, watching for the slightest sign of panic or refusal from the young woman. He gently takes her legs to pass them over the edge of the tub. Weakly, she slips completely into the soapy water.

She gives him a look of confusion as he removes the elastic band that holds her hair. He would have liked not to say anything to her, but he has no choice.

"You have blood in your hair. I'll get this off you quickly, don't worry."

A shudder of disgust runs through her. Even dead, he's still on her. Joel slowly pours water on her head, adding soap. The water flows, dragging with it the red turning pink as it dissolves in the bath. He tries to work fast. He wants to get her out of this bath and put her in warm, comfortable clothes. To give her a feeling of security.

As he goes out to look for the clothes, she comes out of her torpor. Slowly, she grabs the wash glove beside her and begins to rub it on her skin. Where the other had put his hands. Slowly at first, she finally squeezed harder and harder, turning the skin red in the process, almost scratching it. Back in the room, Joel grabs her arm, gently but firmly.

"Don't do that Love. It's ok. It's ok."

He rests his forehead against hers, while tears are running down her cheeks. He keeps telling her that it will be fine. A sweet litany, like a prayer sent to God to hear him. That's all he wants. May she be well. She was doing better, much better before this meeting. Of course, their situation was not the best, but at least her trauma had eased. What will happen to her now?

\---

After knocking softly on the door, Tommy walks into the room, a box in hand. In the living room, a movie is playing on the TV. He now understands why his brother couldn't open the door for him. Sitting in his chair, he is blocked by Chloe, dozing against him. The cadet pretends to ignore it, explaining the reason for his arrival.

"Maria made her cookies.

-Thanks. She refused to eat, I'm not sure she'll take it."

The blond nods as he continues to stare at the young woman. Joel notices it and subconsciously tightens his hold on her, as if to prevent the other from taking her away. No matter what his brother has to say, he wouldn't let her go this time.

"Listen, I know you don't approve but now it's not the time for one of your reproaches.

\- I know.

\- She needs me.

\- I know.

\- And I need her at least as much. I know she's younger. I know I took care of her and it's probably not good by the past standards but... She's easing my pain Tommy. And I'm easing hers. That's all that should matter in this wicked world.

\- I know.

\- It was a long day, so please keep your little speech for yourself.

\- Joel, she's been traumatized and I'm bringing cookies, do you really think I'm here to lecture you?"

The elder does not say anything but nods. He got carried away without really giving the other time to explain his coming. Tommy looks at the screen and smiles.

"It's a good movie.

-Wanna stay?

-I guess I can stay a bit yes. Cookie?"

\-----

She wakes up feeling Joel's chest rise with a laugh. But it's the sound of Tommy's that makes her open her eyes. She frowns, trying to figure out what's going on. The man is on the couch, his eyes riveted on the TV while eating a cookie. Is it a dream? Did she arrive in a parallel world? After a few moments, she realizes she doesn't care. She doesn't want long explanations. Just one thing. So, in her damaged voice, she asks.

"Can I have a cookie?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy, that was painful. I know I've said that before, but it should really be the last chapter where I make her suffer as much (well, until 2038 thing happen). Anyway, I think it's one of my favorite chapters so I hope you enjoyed it as well.


	32. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: nightmares (mention), healing from trauma.   
> The song used in this chapter is from 2017, sorry ‘bout that.

The rays of the summer sun wake him from his sleep. First enjoying the comfort of his sheets, he suddenly sits up, remembering the events of the day before. Chloe. He looked after her all night, calming every anguish, chasing every nightmare. He doesn't know when he fell asleep, too exhausted to resist any longer. And now she's no longer near him. He hurries to get up to look for her. He worries that she has run away. That she’s alone, lost and desperate.

As he walks past the second bedroom, a shadow in the room stops him. There she is, with her back turned, holding the deer figurine he is working on at the moment. She turns her head to the side, enough to notice his presence. But she doesn't turn around. She goes back to contemplating the object in her hands. Her voice still broken is heard.

“You put your wood stuff back into the room.

-Yeah… ‘Thought it would be easier to fill your absence.

-Did that work?

-No.”

She gives a sad smile and puts Joel's work back down. He hopes he hasn't hurt her by trying to erase all traces of her in the room. In fact, change or not, she still haunts the whole house, he continues to feel her everywhere, expecting to see her pop up every moment when he's in the kitchen or living room. But no, he is alone with himself. So to see her standing there, a few steps away from him, he still finds it hard to believe. He changes the subject, uncomfortable with his feelings.

“Wanna some breakfast?

-Did Tommy eat all the cookies?”

He laughs softly and nods to encourage her to follow him. As they descend the stairs, she watches his back, a slight smile on her lips. His “no” still echoes in her head. It had only been two silly sentences. And yet, that was probably the most he had ever revealed of his feelings for her. He missed her so much that he tried to make her presence disappear to move on. Without success. She is not upset. She is relieved. Finally getting some honesty from him.

\-----------

For several days, she stays with him. Maria cleared her schedule, pretending she's sick. The days go by slowly, between panic attacks and catatonia on the sofa. To distract her, he put movies on TV. No matter what the subject, it just makes background noise and movement to get her out of her dark thoughts. More and more often, she has quiet moments, where they can chat, where she can read quietly. As before.

And then comes the time to find a normal life. Molly is back in Jackson. Her friend does not know anything about the events of the patrol, nor this part of her past, and she does not feel the strength to tell her about it. She also doesn't want to tell her about her relationship with Joel. So she goes back to live in the apartment, as if nothing had happened.

But no one can erase the past so easily. Unable to sleep, she turns and turns in her bed. She tried to read but couldn't concentrate. She knows only one thing can soothe her. Silently, she gets up and slips on her shoes, hoping Molly won't notice her absence.

The night is hot as she weaves her way through the deserted streets of the city. They will have beautiful weather the next day, she is sure. In the distance, she sees her goal stand out. The lights are off, but she knows the door will be open. With the lightness of a cat, she slips upstairs.

In the bedroom, his light breathing already comforts her. As she takes off her shoes, he suddenly sits up. His survivor reflexes resurface, and he points at her the weapon he always keeps on his nightstand. She raises her arms shaking.

“It’s me! It’s me, don’t shoot!

-Sweet Jesus, Chloe you frightened me!”

He sighs and puts the gun down before lying back down, recovering from his emotions. She can’t help but let out a nervous little laugh, before commenting.

“I know I’ve trouble sleeping but I’m not looking for that kind of sleep.”

A sound of amusement escapes from his mouth. She finishes undressing, keeping only her tank top and panties on before coming to lay next to him. He opens his arms and she takes refuge there without delay. Caressing his bare chest absently, she explains her presence.

“I couldn’t sleep. Didn’t feel safe. I know Molly is right there, but… It’s not the same.”

He gently kisses her forehead and tightens his arms around her, giving her a reassuring place for the night. The next days, it becomes a habit. She leaving her apartment at night to come find him, him welcoming her without questions or expectations. The discussions that happened before the patrol are put on hold. She has more to think about than the definition of their relationship. She just wants to feel safe, with him.

He too is content with the situation. He wants to give her time, only her well-being counts at this time. So, even though he holds her nearly naked body against his every night, their intimacy never goes beyond gentle hugs and kisses that he slows down when he feels them getting too passionate. He knows, it's up to him to set limits. And this, despite her demands.

\---

_Anxiously, Joel makes his way home. He was only away for ten minutes, maybe twenty, to get some food in town. It’s been a couple of days since the patrol, and the first time he lets her alone. Barely returned, he goes up to check on her._

_He freezes as he enters the room. He thought he would find her asleep, or staring absently out the window. But he finds her naked under her half-open bathrobe, waiting for him in a suggestive position. He swallows hardly before shaking his head at the silent offer she makes to him._

_“No… Not like that._

_-Why not?_

_-I don’t want to hurt you._

_-You can’t hurt me.”_

_He doesn’t answer, understanding only too well the double meaning of her sentence. He watches her hazel eyes shrivel with sadness as she gets up to move closer to him._

_"You don't want me anymore? Because of what he said? About the other men?_

_-No Honey Girl. I still want you. But now isn't a good time._

_-Yes, it is. Please Joel, let's do it. Make me feel alive.”_

_He puts his hand slowly on her face and kisses her. She is more passionate, he has to control himself for her own good. Gently, he closes her bathrobe and steps back. She looks at him with a confused face. She thought she had convinced him and now he pushed her away. He talks in a soft voice._

_“You're crying honey girl.”_

_She puts her hand to her cheek and sees that it's true. She hadn't even realized it. She looks up at him again, her breathing now erratic. In a broken voice, she begs him._

_“I need to forget Joel, please”_

_She remembers their first time. That feeling of starting all over again thanks to their bodies coming together. But the conditions are not the same. Her state of mind is not the same. No matter how gentle her lover might put on, at that moment nothing could bring her back to the serenity she had felt after this first time with him._

_He closes his arms around her and leads her gently to the bed, where he lays her down on his chest. Without being able to control herself, she sobs against him, soaking his t-shirt with her tears. For minutes, hours, he just strokes her hair gently. His heart breaking at not being able to relieve her._

\----

Life resumes its course, always punctuated by anguish and nightmares. To keep her mind busy, she returned to work. At the cafe, many welcome her with pleasure, asking about her health. All believed in this story of illness. But those who have been on patrol know it. And she feels their eyes on her when they are present. Looks of compassion or full of questions she doesn't want to answer. So she ignores them, concentrating on her job, task after task.

Anthony often comes, his arm still splinted after his fall from his horse. A sincere bond of friendship seems to be forming between them. Maybe because he was the first to shoot one of Samuel's men. Or because he's the only one who doesn't seem to question her, her past, or her relationship with Joel. Maybe he just hides it better than the others. Either way, she is grateful to him. He's the kind of support she needs to get better and rely less on her lover.

\---

Weeks go by and now she sneaks out of her apartment almost every night. That evening, Molly is at Chris’s, allowing her to go secretly to Joel’s when her shift is over. He made her dinner, even managing to get her laughing out of a silly joke. This happy sound warms his heart. He would do anything to see her smile again without forcing herself, to find back that carefree glint in her eyes.

Lana del Rey – Change

But for now, she's sitting on the couch, staring into the void. As before, she is in the dark, listening to music. Watching her from the corner of the room, he worries. He knows very well where her thoughts can be. So he walks over and holds out his hand. Coming out of her contemplation, she looks up at him, not understanding.

Maybe by the time Summer's done, I'll be able  
To be honest, capable  
Of holdin' you in my arms without lettin' you fall  
When I don't feel beautiful or stable

“Let’s dance.”

He just whispers. She responds with a weak smile. He must really be worried to offer her such a thing. She takes his hand and stands up. She puts her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder. He holds her tight and makes her dance slowly to the rhythm of the music. Dancing always does her good, being in his arms too. So, for the time of a song, he offers her a refuge away from her worries.

Every time that we run, we don't know what it's from  
Now we finally slow down, we feel close to it

There's a change gonna come, I don't know where or when  
But whenever it does, we'll be here for it


	33. Fuck it, I love her

Is it the alcohol or the presence of her friends that makes her so light-hearted? Music definitely has something to do with it. Under the stars, a new dance party was organized, on a large square in the middle of Jackson. Paper lanterns were hung, furniture moved outside. Surrounded by her friends, Chloe laughs loudly, probably encouraged by the few drinks she already had. When one of her favorite songs starts playing, she takes everyone to the dance floor.

Galantis – Runaway (U and I)

Letting music the wash over her, she forgets everyone around. Once again, it is through dance that she comes to life. Lost in the music, she’s using every part of her body to regain control of her existence. At times, however, she opens her eyes and can't help but glance at Joel. Stealthy, as she doesn't want people to notice.

I wanna run

Chase the morning sun when I'm with you

Give it all away

He doesn’t take this trouble. Leaning on a table, his hand on the glass in front of him, he cannot take his eyes off the young woman. He watches her every move, the lascivious movements of her hips, her waist. Yet he doesn't have a look of desire. He doesn't really think much about it, just enjoying this spectacle. She feels good and that's all that matters to him. He doesn't even turn his head when his brother comes next to him.

"You remember those cartoons when we were little? The wolf watching the chicken, picturing it on his plate?"

He sighs at the silence of his elder. He’s still not sure that this is a good idea, but he finds himself powerless in front of his brother's desires. He can't help but comment.

“You should see your face Joel.

\- That's not it Tommy. It's not envy or pure lust. It’s not me having a midlife crisis, vampirizing an underage girl" He finally turns his head towards him. The song just ended, the young woman sending him a quiet wink.

“I know it's not what you want to hear, and I should probably not tell it. But I love her Tommy. And I don't give a damn about what people will say anymore.”

I love her. It’s the first time he says it out loud. It’s even the first time he’s admitting it to himself. He loves her. And he doesn't want to hide it anymore. He's pretty sure guys from patrols blabbed anyway. Tommy had spoken to them when they came back, telling them to keep their mouths shut about what they’ve seen and heard. But Joel has noticed their look, on her, on him. Slowly, people will start talking again, it would be easy to stop them.

“Well I hope you know what you're doing here Joel.

-I know Baby brother."

Lykke Li - I follow rivers (Magician Remix)

He puts his glass down and walks over to the young woman, already dancing to the next song. A smile lights up her face as he approaches. Yes, he's sure of himself now. Responding to her smile, he begins to dance with her. She raises a smirk and comes a little closer to talk to him.

“Aren't you afraid of people gossiping?

-That's exactly what I want.

-What?!"

Surprised, she stops dancing for a moment, not sure she understood what he is implying. He smiles before taking her hand to spin her around. She can't help laughing at this movement which has nothing to do with the music playing.

Be my only

Be the water where I'm wading

You're my river, running high

Run deep, run wild

“I'm tired of hiding. They can talk, I don’t care. I want you to live with me, openly. No more sneaking in the night like thief. No more chit chat at the bar as if we were just friends.

-You sure?

-I'm sure.

-No take back?

-No take back. I ain't losing no more time."

She bites her lip, suddenly overwhelmed by her emotions. She shakes her head to regain composure before looking at him again. She exhales briefly before asking.

“So what now?

-Now I'm gonna shock all these good people and kiss you.”

He raises his hand to rest it on her jaw, bringing her closer to him. Smiling against his lips, she finally wraps her arms around his neck, letting herself be kissed with pleasure. When they break, she rests her head in the crook of his neck. It’s just them now. She doesn’t want to meet the eyes of others. It would break the spell of the moment. She knows that her friends will tell her everything the next day anyway, amplifying the events to make them even more interesting.

M.I.A. – Bad Girls

Hearing the first notes of this new song, she turns to the DJ. Anthony is playing the part that night, and from the smile on his face, she knows he put that song especially for them. She gives him the finger before turning to her lover. She offers him a mischievous look before starting to dance to the song. A dangerous rhythm.

Pull me closer if you think you can hang

Hands up, hands tied

Don't go screaming if I blow you with a bang

Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well

Her movements are lascivious, playing with Joel's nerves. He wanted people to talk? She was going to give them value for their money. Her hips roll, she goes down on her legs before slowly rising. Moving closer to his ear, she whispered with a mocking tone.

“How are doing those clickers in your head right now?

-They're fine.”

She laughs and continues her sensual movements close to him. His eyes riveted on her, he bites his lip before correcting his comments.

"They fine, but maybe we should go home anyway."

She laughs and pulls back, letting him take her hand. He drags her behind him, leaving the festivities without a glance for those around them.

Arrived at Joel's, she drops on the sofa, her head still dizzy from the events of the evening. He comes and sits next to her, admiring the features of her face, of her hair cascading over her shoulders. His eyes drift off to the lines of her body, and, without realizing it, to her breasts. She pretends not to see anything.

“People are going to talk in town tomorrow.

-It’ll be fine, I'll be on patrol and it’s your day off.

-It's true, I'll be able to… Wait. NO!! I'm not off duty, I promised Amy to replace her. At the bar. On the biggest shift. OH MY GOD JOEL! That was a stupid idea!!!”

She throws herself on the sofa with a dramatic gesture, before turning to him, smirking despite this realization.

“They’re gonna eat me alive. Those people are vultures.

-I’m sorry about that.

-You don’t look so sorry.

-Let me apologize.”

His suddenly honeyed voice makes her raise her eyebrows. This time, she has no doubts about his intentions for the rest of the night. She heaves an exaggerated sigh.

“You better make it good.

-Oh, you’ll be satisfied alright.”

Joel responds with a smug smirk, before leaning on her for a heated kiss.

\----

“Girl, you have no idea how crazy things are in town right now. Tell me about a plot twist!”

Chloe laughs softly, serving her friend some tea. Molly had debarked a few moments before, whereas Joel had already left several hours ago. She doesn’t let go of the matter.

“Seriously, why did he do that?

-He figured this was the most effective way to let everyone know, to settle the matter once and for all.

-Well, that sure did. But now what? Are you two back together?

-We are.

-For real? I mean, I don’t want to judge, but the way he treated you last time…

-It’s not the same here.

-Listen, I just don’t want you to be hurt again-

-I won’t.

-You sure?

-I’m sure. He… He asked me to come back living here and… I think I’m going to accept.

-Well… I’m gonna miss living with you, that’s for sure. But we’ve been talking with Chris and that should happen for us too, so, I guess it’s good timing.”

The friends smile at each other before going back to the details of the night before. People's reaction, other little stories and all the things that make social events interesting. Molly finally gets up.

“Anyway, I didn’t come here only to gossip. I found this once on a scavenging trip, I thought you could use it today.”

Chloe smiles as she takes the fabric stretched out by her friend. Yes, it was the perfect gift for the day ahead.

\---

Joel’s patrol had gone well. They hadn't met any infected and had been discussing silly things, like they'd been on a hike before the breakout. Tommy hadn't brought up Chloe, or the party from the night before, much to his elder’s relief. Joel was sure of himself but had no desire to spend hours defending himself and trying to convince his brother.

When they arrive in town, Tommy suggests they go for a drink at the cafe. He hesitates. He knows Chloe is working there. He doesn't know what the best strategy is. Won’t his presence increase the embarrassment of the young woman, scrutinized by customers? Or on the contrary, would he silence them by showing up by her side, in broad daylight, confirming his actions of the day before?

He makes up his mind, following his brother into the building. He ignores the curious stares and whispers that rise up as they make their way to the counter. She greets him with a shy expression on her lips. She is delighted that he’s finally showing support. His eyes shine in response. He finds her adorable at the moment, and if some modesty didn't hold him back, he would kiss her right away. He notices the t-shirt she is wearing, letting out a brief laugh. The fabric reads “None of your business.”

"Interesting choice of clothes.

-Right? I think I'm going to stay with Molly after all. She has great taste.

-What's wrong with my stuff?

-I can't wear them, they're too big."

He smiles and takes the glass she hands him. Letting her resume her work, he focuses on Tommy's conversation with other locals. They discuss their patrols, the different measures that should be taken to improve the city's defense. Joel gives his opinion, listens to the others, without losing sight of his lover, checking that no one gives her a hard time.

At the end of her shift, she takes off her apron and grabs the food prepared for them. Together, they leave the place, ignoring the looks on them. He doesn't take her hand, just resting his on her lower back for a brief moment to guide her out as he holds the door. A certain modesty guides their actions, after months of secrets. They who nevertheless showed off on the dance floor the day before, now only yearn for tranquility.

\----

Once again, Chloe fell asleep on top of him in the middle of the movie. Now she often sits on his laps as they settle in the living room, snuggling up to him. This comfort often drives her to sleep, much to Joel's amusement. However, he can't help but soften, seeing the young woman finally finding some peace and innocence.

Looking down at her, dozing on his shoulder, he rests his lips against her forehead, enjoying this moment of pure serenity. He has no more doubts, no more fears. Just a certainty that must be expressed.

"I love you."

Only the light from the television illuminates the room, but he could swear it. A slight smile formed on the lips of the young woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Joel gets is head out of his ass.


	34. High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: use of drugs.

"Are you high?"

She bites her lip, unable to help but smile. Like a child who had done a very funny stupidity. In front of her, Joel doesn't want to laugh at all. He immediately noticed her dilated pupils, her absent-minded but serene expression. She shrugs her shoulders.

"You were afraid I'd be too tensed to do it. I'm relaxed now.

-This ain't a game, you need to be focused out there.

-Oh, I am, don't you worry."

She walks over to her horse, hooking her backpack to the saddle. In her back, Eugene shrugs helplessly before mounting his own horse. Joel sighs. All of this was a bad idea. He knew it was too much for her. And now they're outside, miles from Jackson's safe walls.

\-----------------

"There's no way she's doing that Maria.

-It's been weeks now.

-And? She's still having nightmares. She can't do it.

-It's not your decision to take.

Joel's eyes are black with anger. His sister-in-law is the boss, and most of the time he agrees with her. But not this time. Too sucked into this conversation, he didn't notice that in the doorway is Chloe standing, only wearing one of his shirts.

"What's going on?"

Her eyes move from one to the other, trying to understand the screams. They weren't arguing over their relationship. It was too early in the morning, Maria never would have shown up at dawn for this. And then everyone seemed to have got used to the idea of them together. Maria glances at Joel before starting to talk to the young woman.

"We need you to go on patrol.

-Why?

-Daryl is still injured, Anna is sick. The others are exhausted. I wouldn't ask you that if it wasn't important. But I have no choice."

Chloe nods and lets out a quiet ok. She turns around to go upstairs and change, Joel following her. As she undresses, he paces behind her, still furious.

"You don't have to do that, she can't force you, there are other people in town.

-It's ok Joel. I can manage."

He looks at her, trying to probe her mind. He isn't afraid for her physical safety, he knows that she can defend herself. But he fears for her mental stability. Going outside scares her. She hasn't been out since she killed Samuel weeks ago.

But the determination of the young woman seems stronger than anything. Without a word, they walk together to the stables where their horses are already waiting for them. As she is about to climb on hers, he gently grabs her arm.

"You can still change your mind if you want, you don't owe anyone anything.

-I'm ok Joel.

-Don't worry, I'll look after her."

Eugene approached them. Joel nods to thank him. The only thing that reassures him is knowing that she would be with him. He would never have accepted her going out with one of those young people who had known nothing in their lives but the safety of Jackson's walls. With a tight stomach, he joins his own horse. He is not to see her again until the next morning, at the meeting point for all the patrol pairs. Twenty-four tiny hours and yet he is terrified to face them.

\-----

"Is that the lookout post?

-Nah, that's one of my little secrets.

-Seriously Eugene, how many dens do you have?

-Just enough. If you're ok, we'll be sleeping here tonight instead of the lookout. It's much comfier."

She nods, trusting the older man completely. They dismount their horses and guide them inside the building, safe from any infected. As they enter the main room, she can't help but let out a little cry of surprise.

"WO, what is this place? Look at all these books! Am I dead? Because that looks like paradise.

-Girl, you have sad afterlife dreams.

-Shush. What would like paradise to look like?

-An Island. Alcohol. Women in bikini putting sunscreen on me.

-You're an old creep."

He laughs softly as she sits down on a sofa. Is it the presence of Eugene or being surrounded by all these books that makes her feel so serene? She never felt that way outside of town. That morning, as Jackson's walls receded behind her back, terror twisted her stomach, and all of her energy was focused on her breathing, trying to keep control over her body. But now she is filled with inner peace. However, she cannot enjoy this rest any longer, Eugene gesturing for her to follow him.

"I'm going to show you something. You can talk to anyone about it, not Joel, and especially not Maria.

-You're starting to freak me out. What's downstairs?

-Come on, where's your sense of adventure?

-It disappeared with my last patrol."

He doesn't respond, just opening the door with a facetious smile. She remains speechless at the spectacle in front of her.

"Jesus Christ Eugene.

-Say hello to my babies."

Her mouth still wide open, she walks into the room. Around her, weed plants fill the room. Seemingly incredulous, she listens to him explain the whole history of the place, how he began, how he had managed to set up a favorable environment for the growth. She had already smoked with him, but she didn't know where the merchandise came from. She would never have imagined such a farm. After helping him with the chores, they both go back to the room where they are going to spend the night. A photo catches her eye.

"Is that Tommy?

-Yup, back when we were fireflies.

-Damn, he was kinda hot.

-Nothing about the handsome man next to him?

-Come on Eugene, you already know you're the hottest man in Jackson, you don't need me saying.

-Yeah, watch out what you're saying girl, I don't want to fight Joel in a duel for your honor.

She laughs softly before pulling another job on the joint Eugene hands her.

"Seriously, you can't tell anyone about what you saw downstairs.

-Are you talking about the weed or about the porn? Yeah, I caught that old perv'. But you know what, I won't tell anything if you don't report the words I had about my man's brother. I don't want Maria to chop my head off.

-We're both terrified of Maria. I think our secrets are safe then."

She smiles and settles comfortably on her cot. They stay like that for a long time, discussing everything and nothing, their memories, both good and bad. Finally relaxed, she falls asleep. But even with Eugene's best products, she still wakes up sweating, agitated by a nightmare. Usually, Joel's arms are there to soothe her. Their absence disturbs her, and it takes a few moments before she remembers where she is.

A few feet away, Eugene is sleeping peacefully. The sun is not far to rise. She knows she won't be able to go back to sleep. The thought of being out in the open again makes her whole body tense. She knows a panic attack is around the corner. Without a sound, she moves around the library, hoping to find something to distract herself.

When she lands on a joint, she grabs it and rolls it under her fingers, hesitating a bit. After all, it can't hurt her. She won't be operational if fear controls her body. She decides to light it. She doesn't know that soon she will hear Joel's voice calling them from the street, worried he hasn't found them at the rally point where they were supposed to be sleeping.

\----

"That was stupid. Smoking, not going to the rally point."

They have just returned home. They had passed the rest of the patrol in silence, joined by the other members who didn't seem to have noticed the tension between the two lovers. After all, it's not uncommon for Joel to be on edge when leading an expedition.

The effects of the drugs have finally worn off, leaving her with a headache that refuses to go away. She's not in the mood to be scolded, she just wants to lie down and do nothing for the rest of the day.

"Come on Joel, I was with Eugene, in one of his safe spaces. You were early, we weren't to meet there for a good two hours. If you had stuck to the plan, you would never have known we hadn't slept there.

-I was worried 'bout you. It ain't safe out there.

-I know. But it ain't safe either if your mind is thinking about my safety rather than yours, or Tommy's. Maybe I shouldn't have smoke, but you sure shouldn't have move from your point in advance. Alone.

-I... I had a bad feeling."

He looks away, suddenly disturbed by his emotions. That morning he had urged Tommy to leave earlier from their own spot. When they found the place empty, a terrible fear had invaded him. There are thousands of explanations for their absence, his brother had tried to reassure him. In vain. He had mounted his horse towards the ancient village below, his heart racing. When he heard her voice, peaceful, answering his calls, he could not help but thank Heaven.

Despite her still cloudy mind, she notices he's disturbed. Her voice softens.

"What is it Joel? Talk to me.

-I can't lose you."

Never has he been so honest, so vulnerable about his feelings. Her heart sinks at this confession. She suddenly realizes that she isn't the only one to have been shaken by her latest patrol. When he had opposed Maria, she thought it was only to protect her. But now she understands that for him, too, the episode with Samuel had been trying.

She moves closer to him and gently puts her hand on his face before kissing him. A simple attempt to reassure him, as he had done with her dozens of times. She puts her arms around his neck. Forehead against forehead, they fill themselves with the presence of the other, a gentle warmth enveloping them.

"What about we go up? I could use a good shower right now."

\---

A light breeze blows through the window, bringing some freshness in the heat of the afternoon. She ended up dozing off on the sheets, sated with his caresses. He's not sleeping, too busy admiring this naked body near him. Chiseled. Like carved out of marble. He wonders if he could reproduce it on wood. To replicate these lines, these curves that he finds so perfect.

He rejects this idea. He sure wouldn't be able to do her justice, and then if someone happened to stumble upon the object... No, this vision had to remain his secret, an image to keep preciously in his mind. He knows he should get up, do something useful, but after this wearying patrol, how could he get out of bed. He leans closer and rests his arm on her, as if to add an extra layer of protection over the woman. He finally falls asleep, a smile on his face. After years on the alert, he can finally savor this unexpected peace. The softness of having her against him.


	35. Family time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m still not sure how to organize all the things I have written about their life together, so for now it’s a bit “thematic” I guess, as I’d have if it had been some imagines. Let me know if it feels weird.

"It's going to be awkward.

-We had dozens of dinners at Maria and Tommy's, it always went well.

-It's the first time we're going as a couple. I mean, as an official one.

-It's going to be fine. And she's there to lighten the mood."

With a nod of his chin, he gestures to Ellie, who trots lightly in front of them, her headphones tucked into her ears. Chloe remains worried. Although neither of their hosts have come to talk to them about their relationship since they’ve made it official, she can't help but dread the evening. The arguments they made the first time still stand. There’s still the age difference, he still has taken care of her when she was at her worst. What would stop them from bringing it up again?

Joel can feel her being nervous by his side. As Ellie rings the doorbell, he leans in to gently kiss his lover’s temple. It’s the first contact they have since leaving their house a few minutes ago. Although they no longer hide, they remain discreet, uncomfortable with showing affection in public.

Maria greets them with a warm smile, ushering them in with enthusiasm. Tommy serves them a drink while his wife sets the food on the table. Slowly, Chloe relaxes. It feels like they’re back months ago, before all the drama. At the other end of the table, Eugene winks at her. Of course. It was he, the peacemaker, who must have finally allayed all Maria and Tommy's fears. She gives him a grateful smile before diving back into the conversation.

Later, they all settle down to watch a movie, Joel sitting next to her. She tenses as she feels his arm come around her shoulders. But when she realizes that no one cares, she relaxes and moves a little closer, settling into the crook of his arm. The rest of the evening passes quietly. As she says goodbye to Maria, the latter hugs her warmly. That’s all it took for her to be completely reassured. She always looked up to the leader, the idea of being in bad terms with her made Chloe uncomfortable more than anything else. Now she knows they’re good.

Back home, they stand in the kitchen discussing the film over a tea.

"That was stupid of him to do that.

-Yeah, but you know, men do stupid things to impress women.

-What's the stupidest you've ever done?

-Broke my arm.

-What?!

-Ahem, she had her eyes for one of the popular guys, coming to school with his motorcycle everyday and all. So I borrowed my friend's. Tried to do some figures with it and well... She saw me breaking my arm."

He looks at her, she has a hand over her mouth, preventing herself from laughing at the image. So ridiculous. A smirk on her lips, she asks.

"And in the end, it worked?

-Well, I got her pregnant, so I guess it did."

\----

Weeks go by and life is sweet. Her nightmares are less strong, less regular. A comfortable routine settled between them, full of love and laughter, often mocking but never mean. People have lost interest in their story, now that it's official, less scandalous, gossip is not so much interesting.

The only downside is Ellie’s attitude, she’s more and more distant. This pains Joel and makes Chloe worried. Is it her fault? Does the teenager feel left out now that another woman shares his life? One day when the young girl is looking for a book in the living room, the adult decides to clear the air

“I’ve never asked you, but are you ok with me living with Joel?

-Why are you asking?

-Well, you're distant these days. I know he takes a lot of time for me, but I don't want you to feel wronged. You know he really cares about you no matter what, my presence in his life doesn't change that. And if you want to spend more time alone with him, I will understand, just tell me.

-No, it’s ok. I’m fine with you two. He's well with you. I'm glad you're finally together.

-Then what is it?

-Nothing, everything is fine.

-Come on Ellie. I've known you for a year now. You seem off.”

The young girl doesn’t answer, browsing the books in the bookshelf. Chloe doesn't move, not knowing what to add. Ellie breaks the silence.

“What did Joel told you about us before we move to Jackson?

-He just told me that he accompanied you to Salt Lake City, because he promised to someone in Boston to do so, but that arrived there, you haven’t found what you were looking for, so you two decided to come and settle here.

-That's all?

-That's all. Why? Is there anything else to know?

-No... Nothing important anyway.”

Chloe frowns, but Joel entering the room prevents her from questioning the girl. Ellie barely greets the man. An awkward silence fills the space. To try to divert it, Chloe decides to talk about her new idea.

“I’d like to organize a dinner party at home, to have family and friends together. I’ve been wanting to do that for a while. What do you think?

-Can I invite someone?

-Of course, ten people even if you want. The more the merrier, right Joel?

-The more the dishes to wash."

She rolls her eyes and brushes off his remark before looking at Ellie with a smile. The girl relaxes a bit.

"It’d just be Jesse and Cat.

-Not Dina?

-I'm not sure she’ll accept, she has a lot of things to do these days.

-Ask her anyway and we'll see. We won't be close to one person.

-She's going to cook for twenty people anyway, and we'll have leftovers for two weeks.

-Keep complaining, you won't have anything to eat."

\----

It’s been a nice evening. Everyone had a good laugh, stories had been told, music listened to. She had received tons of compliments on her food, on her table setting. They all seem totally at ease with their relationship now, to her delight. Being able to gather people around her makes her happy. As with Talia, years ago. When the club was closed and all the girls got together, chatting and snacking on what the boss had managed to recover from the soldiers who visited her establishment. Simple moments of happiness. A comfort never forgotten.

The house is empty now, the laughter has faded to give way to the sound of the dishes being put away. As she cleans a plate, he stops in his tidying to hug her from behind, kissing her shoulder softly.

"It was fun. Have you seen Ellie and Jesse? I think there’s something going on between these two. I’m good to detect that sort of things."

Chloe can't help but smile. How can he be so blind? All evening, it had been under his nose. Ellie's hands brushing Cat's, glances hidden but so full of meaning. Gestures that had been theirs months before. She bites her cheeks so as not to laugh or say something that might betray the teenager. It's up to her to tell Joel, and her alone. All she hopes is for Ellie to tell him, rather than he find out the way she has, not long before.

\----

_Singing softly, she walks down the porch to make her way to Ellie's studio. She and Cat are having a girl afternoon. Wanting to please them, Chloe baked some cookies. She knocks softly before opening the door. What she sees inside freezes her. The two young girls are on the bed, in a position that leaves little room for interpretation. She apologizes quickly before hurrying to close the door, embarrassed to have been so intrusive._

_Later, when Cat has just left, Ellie appears in the kitchen._

_"Is Joel here?_

_-No. He went searching some stuff for his wood carving, I didn't really understand what._

_-Ok.”_

_An embarrassed silence falls between the two women. Chloe concentrates on her recipe, not daring to look up at the teenager. But realizing that she won't dare to speak first, she takes the plunge._

_"Does Joel know?_

_-No... I... I don't know how he would take it._

_-Well, I'm pretty sure he won't mind. The guy really cares about you, you know?"_

_This time, she is looking at Ellie. But this one is focused on her twisting fingers, a sign of her concern. Chloe continues._

_"Don't worry, I won't tell him. You wait until you're ready, there's no need to hurry if you don't feel like it. And I promise that from now on, I'll always wait until you open the door."_

_The teenager smiles at her and thanks her quietly._

_"You can talk to me if you need to. I’m probably not the best example to follow, I’ve had my fare share of shitty relationships. But well, if it can help you not to make the same mistakes that I did, I’ll be glad._

_-Thank you. You can talk to me too you know._

_-About me and Joel? Are you sure you want to hear about that?_

_-No, I don’t. Leave me out of it."_

_They both laugh softly, accomplices. Ellie reaches out for the dish Chloe is preparing. The older woman gives her a light blow on the hand with her wood spatula._

_"You're a savage, can't you wait for dinner?”_

\----

"What do you think? I should talk to her right? Tell her I'm ok with her seeing Jesse. And then, we should have… The talk. She's 15 but in that world, God knows what she knows about that. Heck, I didn't know shit, otherwise Sarah would never have been born.

-Ok, stop there Joel. We don’t even know if there’s something between them, don’t ruin everything. Don't go harass her, she'll tell you about it when she's ready. And please don't play the role of the father threatening his daughter's boyfriend. I know you're cut out for this, but it's ridiculous."

\----

Ellie had agreed to come see a movie with them that night. She’s been keeping herself away from them for almost a week, so they gave her the choice of film to try and please her. Much to Chloe's regret. On the TV, the violent images follow each other without interruption. In the middle of the movie, she gets up, whispering an excuse before going into the kitchen. She helps herself a glass of water but puts it down, leaning over the sink, gagging. Joel arrives, worried after she came out so quickly.

“Are you alright?

-Not really.

-Wait... Is that the movie?

-Have you seen it?

-Yeah, but I also saw you killing a half-rotted infected without flinching the other day.

-I was just saving my ass, and I didn't really look at it. This is just sick to watch this for pleasure. Isn't our life violent enough?”

He gently runs his hand across her back, the contact relieving her immediately. He can't help but say the bottom of his mind.

“You sure that's it? You're not sick? Or... You know? It's not really like we're taking precautions.

-I told you, I can't get pregnant.

-I know, I know. But they told you so many lies, they could have-

-Considering the job I had, don't you think I'd have known if that was a lie?

-Right.”

From the living room, they hear Ellie's voice ringing out.

“Guys you’re missing the best part, he's about to pop his head off!"

A new retching takes the young woman. Joel can't help but have an amused look. Resuming normal breathing, she declares.

"I'm going to sit outside with a book and let you finish your wicked movie."

He laughs softly and kisses her temple before heading back to the living room. She goes out and sits on the rocking chair he made for her. The air is cool, but it allows her to come to her senses. As she opens her book, she can't resist, and put her hand on her stomach. She knows it's empty and will remain so. But she can't help wondering what it would be like to bear a child. His child.


	36. Selling dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sexual allusion; body image I guess too

Unusual music reaches Joel's ears as he walks through the front door. Intrigued, he heads for the living room. In the middle of the room, Chloe is doing some sport. He frowns while watching TV.

“Is that… Jane Fonda?

-Yeah, Molly told me her workouts are great to stay in shape.

-To stay in shape?

-I'm getting fat with you Miller!

-Sure you are.

-Yes, I am! Look at me!

-Girl you’re crazy.

-I’m not! At this rate I will no longer be able to sit on you without breaking your legs.”

He sighs but doesn't add anything, letting her focus on her movements. Either way, he knows there's no point arguing with her when she's in this state of mind.

\----

He bites his lip, preventing himself from laughing at her. From the bed, he watches her cross the room slowly, hunched over with stiffness. When she lets out a groan of discomfort, he can't hold back, chuckling softly.

"Actually I like it when you workout. Looks like you're 80, it makes me feel young."

She gives him an annoyed look as she flops onto her stomach on the mattress, heaving a sigh of relief. With her head half buried in the pillow, she questions him.

" Were you all superheroes? How did you manage to do this all the time?

-You just did too much. You have to get started little by little.

-My whole body feel dead. If that's how being old is, shoot me now.

\- I have a better solution."

He leans over her and puts his hands on her back to release the tension. She heaves soft sighs of relief, too happy to feel her muscles loosen. But above her, these sounds give the man ideas. Very quickly his hands move towards other parts of her body. She doesn’t take long to notice his little game.

"I don't know what you expect me to do with this body, but I can't.

-It’s alright, you won't have to do anything. I’m taking care of you."

\----

"Look, isn't that cute? Molly found it for me.

-Yeah... Cute.”

He swallows with difficulty. Cute isn’t the word that comes to his mind when he watches her admiring herself in the mirror, only wearing a set of lacy lingerie.

“Did women wear sets of underwear like this all the time? I mean, matching panties and bra?

-Hm, only at the start of a relationship. Or for occasions. After that it often turned back into mismatched things or indestructible, shapeless cotton stuff.

-What occasions?

-Birthday, Valentine's day... The day they expected to be naked in front of a man, you see?

-I do, but my eyes are up here buddy.”

He clears his throat, blushing slightly. She decides to tease him a bit. Taking an innocent voice, she asks him.

“Do you find this sexy?

-No, not at all. You, half naked in front of me. How could I find that sexy?”

He said in his usual irony. She takes one last look in the mirror before walking past him, ready to go to the other bedroom to get her clothes.

“I have to dress for work. Come see me at the cafe later. If you can stop thinking about what I'm wearing under my clothes of course. But who knows, maybe I won't wear anything at all.”

She winks at him, watching his face crumble at such words.

“Sweet Jesus girl, you can't tell me stuff like that.”

He manages to say despite his tight throat imagining her not wearing anything under her clothes. She bites her thumb, making a sexy face. Deep down, she laughs softly, satisfied that she can drive her lover mad with desire like this. She knows he will make her pay later, when she is naked under him and he takes his time despite her pleas, his slowness almost painful. But right now, she’s the one in charge and she’s savoring every crumb of it.

\-----

“No don't eat that!!!”

She screams when she sees him taste the contents of the pan. Too late, the man grimaces and spits in the sink.

"Puah, what is that?

\- It's a care for my skin. That way I'll stay young and pretty.

-You don't need that.

-Yes, I do, look, I start to have wrinkles and my skin is far from perfect.”

He looks at her, disillusioned. She has baby skin, and her so-called wrinkles could not be seen with a magnifying glass. He grabs the magazine open on the counter to see what nonsense she could have found in it.

“ _Beauty tips from Victoria's Secret Angels_.

-Look at them. They were gorgeous, right?

-Yeah, but…”

He sighs, flipping through the magazine. This world has been gone for over twenty years, and yet its worst drifts hang on, poisoning the mind of his partner. He stops on a page and points to one of the women.

" You know that's not her real face there. Nor really her body either.

-What do you mean?

-To get this result, they used a lot of makeup, lights and on top of that they used computers to correct all the blemishes, smooth their skin, make them look thinner, that kind of crap.

-Why were they doing that?

-To complex women and make them believe that they were never good enough. To create fake problems that they were selling solutions for.

-You seem to know a lot about the subject.

-I had a daughter, even at her age she was impacted. One day she came home from school crying because she felt ugly. Took me quite a ride to comfort her. She wasn’t even a teen yet.

-Wo. That’s awful.

-You've said it.”

She stirs the mixture before transferring it to a bowl, ready to head to the bathroom.

"Wait, are you going to use it anyway? Did you listen to what I said?

-What, it's not like I bought it. I'm not going to throw away something perfectly usable. And what harm it can do to my skin, it’s only good products from Jackson.”

He sighs. There are fights that you cannot win. She starts again.

"And then don't act like it doesn't touch you. They keep complimenting you on me at the bar, like you had something to do with your 'young and pretty partner' like they say. Really, I will never understand them.

-Neither do I.

-You should let me put it on you. Maybe then I too will have compliments on you. And I at least would deserve them.

-Approach me with that and you'll have to find another kitchen to make your mixtures."

She laughs and kisses his cheek tenderly before heading for the stairs.

\----

Lying on her back, Chloe is trying to focus on her book, but she can feel Joel's gaze on her. She stops reading to turn her head towards him. He kisses her gently and then strokes her face, as if to test the efficiency of her cream. She speaks softly.

“Sell dream.

-What?

-That's what Talia used to say. We had to be perfect because our clients came to get away from it all. We couldn't risk having the slightest flaw, otherwise it would have broken the spell.

-But you're not a dancer anymore, and there's no more client to sell dream to.

-No, but there's you.

-I don't need/

-I know. But… _I_ need it. They deprived me of my body for so long. They controlled everything. Now I can do whatever I want with it. Even if it seems futile or a waste of time and material to you. I need it.

-Okay, okay. You can do whatever you want, I won’t stop you. I just don’t want you to be obsessed about it. Plus, I mean, you’re already the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen. How could you improve that.”

She shakes her head but can’t help smiling. He kisses her gently before returning to his book. She does the same, snuggling up to him. It has become a habit for them to end the day like this, each immersed in their reading but close to each other. Of all the things they share, this might be Joel's favorite. Sure, sex is great, but these peaceful intimate moments mean so much more. Like a normality in this world that has become so strange. Like a peace he had never known with anyone, even before everything turned to terror. All he hopes now is to live as long as possible to enjoy this simple happiness. With her.


	37. Ellie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst for a good part of the chapter, but I add some fluff in the end because yeah, I needed it.  
> This has been translating while having a massive headache, I hope I didn’t leave any big mistakes. If I did, sorry about that and I’ll try to read it/correct it soon.

A cry tears the silence of the darkened room. Chloe has just woken up, a cold sweat running down her back, her breathing short and choppy. At first scared, she realizes that Joel is indeed there, near her. He sits up to take her in his arms. She closes her embrace on him, squeezing harder than necessary. Harder than usual. Her nightmare must have been terrible, the man tells himself as he strokes her hair gently.

He rocks her for a few moments before lying back down, pulling her against him. Cradled in the crook of his shoulder, she cries without being able to stop. He murmurs reassuring words, tirelessly, hoping to calm her down. Her nightmares are rarer, they only come to haunt her a few times a month. But they are always so unexpected, so violent.

Her body shaken by hiccups, she leans on his chest to look at him, her eyes still flooded with tears.

"Please don't die. Never.

-I'll do my best"

He whispers as she comes back to snuggle up to him. He knows he won’t be able to keep that promise. He thinks about it often, worried about her future. He’s twenty years older, he often faces danger from the outside world and has made his body endure a thousand torments. While she’s young and healthy, rarely stepping outside of Jackson's safe walls. Odds are against him.

He knows he's going to have to prepare her, slowly, for the idea that one day he will leave her. Not because he will want to. But because God, or fate, or whoever, will have decided so. But tonight is not the night. Heaven knows what dreadful dream she could have had. Perhaps she relived the death of Cyril. Perhaps she imagined his own death. All he knows is that it was violent enough to put her in a state of anguish that she had not had in a long time. It would take a while for him to get her back to sleep. To appease her.

\-----

Singing softly, basket under her arm, she settles down on the porch to mend some clothes. Autumn is here, and she wants to take advantage of its golden light before the snow and cold appear again. As she tackles one of Joel's shirts, he settles down next to her, playing his guitar to keep her company.

“How do you always manage to put holes in your clothes like this?

-Hey, they're no longer new you know, they were probably made before you.

-Mine too, and yet they don't get damaged like that. And to think I'm supposed to be the sloppy one. You who are so careful. No, really, I don't understand.”

He doesn't respond, just struming the strings of his guitar. He can't tell her. Even if he wants to prepare her for his death, he doesn't want to worry her too much. He can't tell her that most of the time, holes in his clothes are made when trying to escape infected. That the shirt she has in her hands saw a battle with a bloater, days earlier at a hotel north of Jackson.

He looks up when he hears his partner greet Ellie. The teenager only responds with a faint sound, accompanied by a quick wave of her hand. Shunning his gaze, she hurries home, the sound of the key clearly heard from the porch. Chloe sighs as she resumes her work.

“Teenagers.”

Again, Joel remains silent. Jaw tight. He knows this is more than just a teenage crisis. Ellie is not stupid, she knows something is wrong with his story, and she blames him for it. The more time passes, the more difficult it is to keep his lie.

“Joel? Are you with me?

-Uh, what?

-I was talking but obviously you weren’t listening.

-Sorry, what were you saying?

-I got some meat in town, do you want me to try the brisket recipe? Because if you do, I must start now.

-Right, right."

She frowns at his blank expression and his vague answer. But she doesn't question him. She’s conscious she doesn't know the whole story between him and Ellie. She is curious of course, but she respects their silence. She must give him time, he will talk to her about it when he is ready. As she had done with her own stories.

She puts down her work and gives a kiss to the man's forehead before disappearing into the kitchen. She puts on her apron and begins to cook. A good meal, with that she is sure to get him out of his worries, even if it is only for twenty minutes. Part of her worried, he was often upset lately. Something happened on his last patrol, but like the rest, she doesn't really know more. Yet, that day started off well.

\----

_“Seriously, she’s out of her mind. How old is she? The silent treatment?_

_-Tommy. The woman is spending her life taking care of everyone, making sure everyone is safe and happy. Don’t you think that once a year, she deserves to be cared for? Especially by the one who shares her life? ”_

_He grumbles, taking a sip of the tea she just gave him. He hopes his brother will return soon with Ellie, saving him from hearing a woman's admonitions again. He's heard enough with his wife already. Chloe continues in a authoritarian tone._

_“Right. So you’re going on the patrol, you find her big nice present, some flowers and when you come home, you apologize. And then, if she lets you, you make her sweet, sweet love because that woman deserves some good time. Don’t look at me like that, you’re a Miller, I know you can do it.”_

_His elder shakes his head, incredulous at such words. Lucky for him, Joel and Ellie walk into the room, preventing this awkward conversation from continuing. Chloe can't help but smile, satisfied. She knows that her words will stay anchored in him and will eventually take effect._

_\----_

_Chloe is worried. In the end of the afternoon, she saw Ellie walk home before coming out almost immediately, her face closed, a bag full of her stuff in her hand. The more the minutes passes, the more her anxiety is growing. Why isn’t Joel home already? She tries to reason with herself. If anything had happened to him, she would have been warned by now. He’s probably having a beer with his brother. But deep down, she knows something is wrong._

_When she hears the door open, she hurries to meet him. His face is stern, his embrace slightly longer and stronger than usual. Without speaking, he goes up to the bedroom. She’s alone in the kitchen, with only the sound of the shower to break the silence. It’s not until later, after dinner, that he finally begins to explain._

_He decided not to tell her about his confrontation with infected and a bloater at the hotel. Why worry her, he was okay. Again, luck had been on his side. He knows he can't tell her about his argument with Ellie either. Chloe still doesn't know anything, and that's best this way. Tommy is the only one who knows the whole story. But even to him, he cannot confide his torments. His brother would surely push him to tell the truth. And despite the teenager's suspicions, he doesn’t want to tell her. Not yet. He doesn't feel capable of it._

_Serving them both a glass of liquor, he decides to tell her about the other patrol event. Either way, she would learn it the next day in town._

_“Just before you arrived last year, two teens went missing. A couple struggling for an ideal to defend. They wanted to help the suffering world outside of this community. Fools. They never left the county. Got trapped by a horde. We just found the bodies. That’s why I came home late, I went to see the parents.”_

_He pauses for a moment, playing with the liquid in his glass. Without thinking, he speaks his mind._

_“It was heartbreaking. Imagining them in the nature, no matter its danger, was easier than knowing they’re dead, I guess.”_

_He stops there before drinking his glass. She remains silent. She can only imagine what's going on in his head right now. He's probably thinking about Sarah. About the pain of losing a child. He didn’t have to see the parents. Tommy and Maria could have taken care of that. But he went. Always true to his values, he felt responsible for this mission. He was the one who found them after all._

_He had remained unmoved by Tommy's side, reacting neither to cries, nor pleas, nor tears. The same ones that had been his more than twenty years before, when he lost his little girl. Throat tight, he tries to erase the two overlapping memories, taking another sip of alcohol. Turning his head to Chloe, he realizes her sad expression. She understood, of course. She's a smart woman, she doesn't need words to feel what's going on inside him. He puts his drink down before approaching and kissing her softly._

_“I’m exhausted, let’s go to bed.”_

\----

Once again, Chloe wakes up with a start. But this time, a nightmare is not the cause of this brutal wakening. A loud noise erupted in the room. Next to her, Joel puts his arm down and speaks in a soft voice.

“It’s alright, it’s just a thunderstorm.”

A new lightning streaks the sky, making the young woman jump. Her fingers tighten against the sheets. Looking at her, he laughs quietly.

“Seriously, after everything you've been through, men, infected, you're not gonna tell me you're afraid of thunder?

-I’m not afraid. It’s just, I don’t know, I don’t like being surprised. It can’t be controlled. Stop laughing!”

Seeing that he doesn't give in to her request, she grabs her pillow to hit him. He doesn't take long to respond. For a few moments, they fight like children, trying to catch each other. Unsurprisingly, he quickly takes over. He passes his body over hers, slowly, not wanting to trigger some bad memories with a wrong gesture. With a mischievous smile, he grabs the sheet to cover them completely. They hardly can see each other in this improvised shelter. She questions him, laughing softly.

“What are you doing?

-I make you safe, don’t you know nothing can happen to you when your hided under a sheet?”

She laughs again before biting her lower lip. She wants this moment to last forever. It's so rare that he lets himself go like this, putting aside his seriousness to become totally carefree.

“Aren’t we suppose to tell stories when we’re in a fort like this one?

-Hmm, all right. Once upon a time, there was clicker-

-No, not a story with monsters. Tell me something nice.” She nudges him as he laughs warmly.

“Ok. Once upon a time, there was a boy. He was living with his brother in this magical state that was called Texas. One day…”

She smiles tenderly as she listens to him tell his story. She snuggles closer to him, sighing quietly when he came to hug her arms around her, interrupting his story at times to kiss her forehead or her hair. She knows it. As long as she’s there, nothing can happen to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is a new chapter. I was working on the structure of the story, I think there are still at least 20 chapters (someday I'll know how to keep stories short, I promise).  
> I'm just going to make a change from the game's timeline. Until now, I thought there was a few months of difference between the Hotel patrol flashback and the Salt Lake City flashback. Like, the first would have happened in the fall of 2036 and the other in the spring of 2037. But looking again at them, I realized that they’re actually both from “2 years ago”, the light is kinda the same, pretty much autumnal, and to finish her tattoo is still in the same first phase than in the hotel flashback, so it couldn’t be month between the 2 flashback. But for the balance of my story, I will keep a few months of difference between these two moments.  
> Making this chronological point also allowed me to realize that in the end, if March 2038 goes like in the game, they will only have been together for barely 2 years, and it breaks my heart.  
> Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, don’t hesitate to let me know with a vote or a comment or both 😊


	38. Sugar Daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: bad smut, once again, I’m sorry. But it was my birthday when I wrote it so it was kind of a treat to myself.

“Hey.”

Chloe's voice snaps him out of his contemplation as he’s making breakfast. He answers her with a sad smile before refocusing on his actions. He knows she is going to notice his defeated face and questions him. He still hesitates to tell her the truth. But he knows he has to open up to her, not let his past devour him, at the risk of losing his present. Without waiting, the dreaded question falls.

“Are you ok?

-It’s… It’s Sarah birthday today.”

She just makes a compassionate face and walks up to hug him, resting her head against his back. They stay like that for a few moments, only the sound of the bacon grilling in the pan being heard.

“I wish you knew her. She would have loved you, I'm sure.

-Yeeah, you forget she was almost five years older than me. She probably would have loosed her shit and she would have been right to.”

He sighs. Maybe, yes. He tends to forget their age difference. Even if no wrinkles mark her forehead, even if she has a silly attitude sometimes. Yet, she also has the same serious and grave gaze as his, when she thinks that no one is looking at her. Even though he knows he’s old enough to be her father, he can't imagine this woman as one of Sarah's age. Maybe because for him Sarah would be forever eleven. Maybe because he doesn't imagine himself as someone who could have an adult child. He stops these sterile reflections to cut the fire under the stove.

“Breakfast is ready.”

\-----

She rubs her hands together, trying to work the moisturizer into her skin. In bed, Joel is sitting with an open book on his lap, but he doesn't seem to be reading. She slips next to him, pulling him out of his inertia. He kisses her forehead while putting an arm around her as she cuddles up to him. She gently strokes his chest before looking up at him. He looks thoughtful, a little sad.

“What’s going in that pretty head.”

He lets out a brief chuckle. This is one of the things he says to her, when she is lost in her thought. He sighs and begins to speak in a soft, somewhat hoarse voice.

“I’m reflecting on my life. All the things I’ve done. The bad things. I ain’t a good man, I don’t deserve all of this.

-Stop babe, I hate when you talk like that.”

Chloe knows where this conversation is heading. Today, it was probably Sarah's birthday that stirred it all up. She is aware of it, it is selfish of her to want to silence him, she should let him speak but she does not have the strength to hear it. This is not the first time, and inevitably, it ends in talking about growing old, dying. Every time he says these words, she goes into a state of distress she cannot control. He smiles sadly at her and strokes her cheek. He understood.

“You know I’m not eternal. I don’t wanna let you, but it will happen. And I don’t want you to look the other way about that.”

She swallows hard and turns her head, feeling tears beading in her eyes. She isn’t strong enough to hear those words. Not this evening. He doesn't insist and turns off the light before taking her against him, imprisoning her with his arms to reassure her. For the moment, he’s here. And he wants to enjoy every moment of that soothing warmth, whether he deserves it or not.

\-----

"Do you want me to bring you something?"

Joel closes his backpack, carefully putting away the sandwiches she made for him. He’s leaving for a few days on a scavenging trip. Once again, she refused to accompany them, preferring the safety of Jackson's walls. Making the routine patrol routes was the only thing she was able to do outside.

“Hmm let me think. I’d like a Swiss watch, a convertible and a diamond necklace.

-Craving for luxury?

-I just learned the term Sugar Daddy.

-I ain't your Sugar Daddy.

-Pfff. Bring me back a book then.”

He laughs at her pout before gently capturing her lips. Surely he can do a little better than a simple book.

\---

“I was cold without you. The weather really got worse while you were out there.”

He climbs onto the bed and gently kisses her shoulder. He barely returned to Jackson, delayed by heavy snowfall. She had tried not to worry too much, that kind of trip doesn't have fixed schedules like patrols can.

“Well I’m here now. And I got something for you.”

She stands up to look at him but sees nothing. She frowns.

“It’s not a book?

-Nope. Come on, take a guess.

-Hmm. It fits in your hand so… A ring?

-‘Couldn't find anything that would have fit your child-like fingers.

-Yeah, you should remember what I do to you with those hands. Might reconsider the word kid here.”

They both laugh at the remark, before she thinks again.

“Is it something I asked for?

-Yup.

-Is it a diamond necklace?

-Nope. It ain’t diamond, it ain’t Swiss.”

Her eyes light up, understanding what it’s going to be. He responds with a smile and opens his hand, revealing a finely crafted watch. She had always dreamed of having a nice old watch, rather than one of those colorful digital models with bad plastic.

“Oh my god, Joel! It’s so pretty. Thank you.

-You deserve to have pretty things.”

He kisses her and gets up to go for a quick wash in the bathroom, while she straps the watch to her wrist. Stroking the object with her fingertips, she remembers the first time she had told him about this desired object.

“You remember last year? When we slept in the living room because it was freezing cold?

-Yeah. It was a nice night.

-Looking back, I think it's when I started to feel completely safe. For the first time in years. Maybe ever.

-I remember watching you sleep. You were so peaceful for once.

-Is that when you started falling for me?

-I don’t know. Maybe… That’s for sure when I knew you were special.”

She smiles before getting up suddenly, grabbing the sheets off the bed. He looks at her, taken aback.

“Let’s do it again, let’s sleep in front of the fire.”

He raises an eyebrow, amused by the idea.

"Why not. It will be like camping, but safe.

-Just my kind of camping."

\----

“It’s kinda romantic”

With her hands on her hips, Chloe admires the makeshift bed they've just built in front of the fireplace. He smirks, putting a bottle of liquor on the floor, like he had done months before. He lays down while she turns on music.

Cigarettes After Sex - Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby 

He smiles at this choice and watches her get rid of her pants before slipping in bed, her bare legs against him. She grimaces, trying to find a comfortable position, without success. She sighs.

“It won't help my back pain. I carried too many things today."

Without a word, he motions for her to turn around. He sits up as she lifts her tank top. He puts his hands on her back, gradually loosening her tense muscles. She lets out sounds of relief. A relief that gradually turns into desire at this contact with her lover's skin. It's an imperceptible change, a little faster breathing, her body twisting a little more. And yet, he sees it. Slowly, he leans down to kiss the back of her neck, then moves down her spine to reach the small of her back.

_Whispered something in your ear_

_It was a perverted thing to say_

_But I said it anyway_

_Made you smile and look away_

Slowly, he turns her around and kisses her before moving down again to her neck, between her breasts, drawing a line down to her navel where he lingers. The light sighs she heaves no longer leave doubts about her state of mind. She closes her eyes to better savor these caresses. She holds her breath as she feels his between her legs.

_Nothing's gonna hurt you baby_

_As long as you're with me you'll be just fine_

She opens her eyes in surprise as she feels the man lay down beside her, pulling her against him, her back against his chest. He hugs her, as if ready to sleep. He's teasing her, making her believe that there will be nothing more between them tonight.

She wriggles and pout, remembering the feel of his lips close to her heat moments before. He feels her squirm and can't help but smile discreetly. He likes to make her impatient. He knows that she will only feel even stronger sensations.

But this time, she decides not to let him play his game. To his surprise, she turns around and pushes him to straddling his hips between her legs. He laughs softly at her impatience and pulls her to kiss her passionately.

However, he doesn't intend to let her do what she wants. As he feels his boxers getting tighter, he flips her over, getting the upper hand. He begins to kiss her again before stopping. Slowly, he grabs the bottle he had left a few minutes earlier. Chloe sits up on her elbows, impatient and annoyed that the man decides to make her languish again.

“We forgot to have a drink.

-Joel, it’s really not my priority right now.

-Well, I’m thirsty.”

He opens the cap, taking a sip before slowly running a little liquid on the stomach of his lover, who trembles at this unexpected contact. He smirks, pleased with her reaction, before bending down to wipe off the alcohol with his tongue, eliciting soft sounds of delight from her.

“Your skin is so sweet.... And soft..."

He says, punctuating his word with gentle kisses on the woman's bare skin. He goes lower and lower, until he gets a louder moan from her. He feasts on her sounds, smiling as he feels her feet curl with pleasure.

Soon she can no longer hold out, she needs more. Hearing her ask in a pleading, almost agonizing voice is one thing that boosts his ego terribly. She wants him. He can't help but think how lucky he is to have this woman in his life. He comes to himself as she groans in frustration. With a smile, he leans over to kiss her, while granting her request, slowly burying himself inside her.

She slips her hand through his hair and pulls away from the kiss to breathe better, haunted by the feeling of having him in her. She rests her hand on his cheek, looking into his gaze as he begins to move his hips gently. Despite the serene expression on his face, his eyes give off a little sadness, a touch of melancholy that never really leaves him, even when he laughs. It's only in her arms that he can forget everything. Who he is. What he has done. No matter what, she accepts him and makes him feel better.

Her legs wrap around his hips, causing him to dive even deeper. His movements are more intense. His forehead resting on her shoulder as he loses himself in her, as if he wanted to drown there. Her fingers curl around his biceps, hooking up to let go to the sensations she feels.

No words are spoken. They don't need it to understand each other, to be in harmony. Only sounds of pleasure escape them, her voice hoarse with desire intersecting the music that is still playing. And as she feels her end coming, she wishes for this moment to never stop.


	39. The kitchen

Loud voices greet Tommy as he sticks his head through the door. He has knocked for several minutes, without getting any response. He and Joel are supposed to be working together on a construction site this afternoon. The community is slowly growing, it’s time to rehabilitate some of the houses inside the walls. He decides to call.

“Joel?

-In the kitchen.”

As he walks into the room, he notices the annoyed look of Chloe, who is tidying the lunch dishes with abrupt gestures. Breaking the tense surrounding silence, Tommy decides to clean the air, hoping to defuse the conflict.

“You guys ok?

-Yeah, she’s just mistreating me.

-Oh my God cut it Joel! I didn’t cook meat in two days, it’s not like I tried to cut your throat in your sleep.”

She turns on the tap water to begin washing the dishes, running her nerves as she rubs the plate. She doesn’t see the discreet wink her lover gives to his brother. He just teased her a bit and kept going, noticing how she took the bait. He knows that an argument every now and then helps to straighten things out ... and to make up later. Tommy decides to get in the game.

“Chloe you can't do that, he a Texan, he needs his meat.

-Really? You guys spent 20 years in QZ eating rats and you’re complaining about the food in your plates? Gimme some slack.

-Technically, rats are meat."

Of nervousness, she drops the dish she has in her hand, which falls with a thud on the other objects in the sink. The shock breaks it and she can't help but swear. Frustratedly, she unties her apron and throws it at Joel.

"I’m done. Do it yourself."

She hurries out of the house, slamming the door. She has work to do too after all, there is no reason she finds herself doing everything. The two brothers wait for her to be out to share a knowing laugh. Joel grimaces, biting his lip, wondering if he has pushed a little too hard. Tommy laughs even more.

"I think we pissed her off for good.

-Yeah, it's alright, I'll find a way to apologize later.

-Bring her some steak.

-She’d beat me up with it.”

\----

“What do you think you’re doing Joel?”

He lifts his hand from her body, surprised. He just turned off his light, after only a few minutes of reading. He couldn't concentrate, in too much of a hurry to find the feel of her skin against his. Some make-up sex, as he imagined all afternoon. She had her back turned to him, so he came closer in the hope of turning her around. But it was her cold tone that greeted him.

“Are you still mad?

-Off course I am. Did you really think that taking me out for dinner was going to be enough? I don't know how it used to work, but offering me something against my silence won't miraculously fix things.”

He remains astonished. How had he not noticed how upset she was? It’s true she had been rather silent during the dinner, but he had put it on her busy day, as she had back-to-back shifts at the bar to replace someone, only returning home for an hour to make them lunch. An hour in which he hadn't stopped complaining. Yeah, he has been a dick to her. She resumes, saying these words that had weighed on her heart all day.

“Look, I know I’m not really useful around here and that I must do my part. I don’t mind taking care of house, I love to cook. And I know I often joke about being the perfect 50's housewife. But the thing is, I’m not. And sometimes, all of this just too much.

-I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt like this. But don't say you're useless, it's not true.

-I serve drinks while chit-chatting, I don't really change the face of this community. I get it, that's all I’m able to do. I don't know how to build houses like you, I can't really patrol because being outside makes me panic. The truth is, if you weren't Maria's brother-in-law, I would have been kicked out by now, since prostitution is not a thing around here.

-What the hell are you talking about?

-I’m worthless, Joel.

-Honey girl, this is the stupidest thing you ever said. You’re not worthless at all. You’re smart, and funny, and caring, and there are so many things you can do. We can find you another job if you want to. Why not at the library?

-Ellen and Bob are already taking care of it very well, I won't be any help.

-You could work with the kids, they love you. You would teach them stuff.

-They already know more than I do. The only thing I learned from school before the outbreak was to read and write and do some calculus. After that, the system in the QZ was so wicked that my parents didn't put me there. What could the kids learn from me.

-A lot, I’m sure. But that’s not all there is to do. You could do any job, really. You just have to choose, and we’ll find someone to teach you.

-It’s ok Joel. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m opening the bar for the patrollers in a few hours. I need to sleep.”

She manages to articulate without giving away the tears that have started to come to her eyes, tightening her throat. She just wants to fall asleep and forget about this day. Forget about that burning sensation that takes her every time she sees the others around her bustling about for Jackson's sake. Her whole life, her worth had been measured by her body. Here, it’s of no use to her. Sometimes she misses her time with Talia. When all eyes were on her. When she made these men forget, for a few minutes, all their worries, all the damages caused by this hard life. Somehow, she was useful. She was needed.

He kisses her shoulder before laying down on his back, his eyes riveted on the ceiling that he barely sees in the dark. He would have liked to have the right words. Being able to continue this conversation until he convinces her that she’s worth more than she thinks. And not just because she's his partner. He lets out a sigh. Communicating is something he hasn't learned either.

\----

“The spice girls, really?”

A large grin illuminates the face of the woman, who responds by singing along the lyrics.

“ _If you want my future, forget my past”_

He sighs, running a hand over his face as she resumes dancing cheerfully. They invited a few friends to their house, and of course, Chloe ended up transforming the living room into a real dance floor. Goodbye to the quiet evening by the fire, just the two of them. But he knows that these kinds of events make her happy, allowing her to forget for a few hours her worries. A few days have passed since their argument, and although she hasn't said anything, he knows she continues to ruminate on these negative thoughts.

He walks away before being forced into the dance, joining Tommy in the dining room. As he pours himself a drink, he watches his lover, chanting the lyrics at the top of her voice with her friends. He turns to his brother, looking defeat.

“I swear to god, this woman will be the end of me.

-Next time you’ll choose better.

-That’s the thing, there won’t be no next time.

-Hey, don't lose hope, she can still dump you. She's too good for you anyway.

-She really is.”

He says in a whisper, before smiling when he see her perform a ridiculous choreography with Molly. He scans the surroundings, observing the dozen guests who seem to be having a good time. He can’t help but feel a twinge when he sees that once again Ellie hasn't come. Of course, they're older, she has her own friends, but not so long ago, she would have at least had a head with her whole gang, letting herself be dragged into a dance with Chloe before slipping away as quickly as possible. Even though Ellie isn’t exactly his daughter, she’s like him in this way. She’d rather stay with a drink in her hand in a corner than to be in the middle of the room. Tommy pulls him out of his thoughts, striking up a conversation.

For her part, Chloe heads for the kitchen. She wants to check, like a good hostess, that there is enough to eat for everyone. She laughs softly with two guests who are chatting happily, welcoming Maria into the room with a smile. The other two end up going out, leaving them alone.

“Tell me Chloe, I wanted to talk to you about something. It might not be the best time, but I'm so overwhelmed, it's hard to find time.

-Sure, go ahead.

-Would you like to work with me? Like I said, I have a lot to do these days and I just can't get through it anymore. The community is growing, developing, and I could really use a little help. "

Maria stays looking at her, surprised to see the young woman's face closing a little, her smile disappearing. Defensively, Chloe answers in a somewhat cold tone.

“Did Joel make you do this?

-What? No, why? It's just that you're the person with the most common sense I know. You think quickly, you know how to organize yourself, you’re good with people. Honestly, I’d be glad to have someone like you to back me up. But if you don't want to, I-

-I’m in.”

The young woman cuts her off, her face still impassive but her eyes shining. Maria smiles before resuming a serious tone.

“Tomorrow, my office, 8 am. Don’t be late. You have a ton of things to learn.”

Chloe nods fervently as the blonde leaves the room. A big smile on her lips, the young woman begins to put away some dishes. Joel walks up to her, hugging her gently from behind. He kisses her neck, enjoying this quiet moment in the tumult of the party. She can't wait any longer to break the news to him. In a tone that wants to be detached, she begins to speak.

“Maria offered me a job.

-Oh?

-She wants me to help her. I’d be like her assistant.

-This is great Honey. I know you’ll be perfect. But maybe I should have offered a job too.”

His deep and full of suggestion voice ignites her, sending a wave of heat to her lower abdomen. She raises an eyebrow and turns around, getting into her lover's game, taking a fake innocent voice.

“You need an assistant Sir?

-Hmm, I do. Let’s talk about this once everyone left the house.”

She laughs softly as he leans in to kiss her before going to mingle with the guests again. She in turn leaves the room, joining her friends dancing, light-hearted.

\----

Joel can't keep still. He tries to stand in the kitchen in a natural way, but he can't help but pace again, circling around her in silence. Chloe tries to ignore him, focusing on her recipe. As she begins to cut the ingredients, he grabs the book, frowning.

“Couldn't you have done something simpler?

-I thought you liked this dish?

-Yeah. I'm just... Hungry.”

She looks up at him, wondering if she understood his intonation correctly. The gleam in his eyes leaves no room for interpretation. She looks at him, surprised.

“Seriously? After last night? And this morning?

-Why not?

-Geez. I'll never let anyone call you old man anymore.”

He laughs a little before resuming a serious face, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“So? What do you say?”

She bites her lip as she looks at the counter, full of food ready to be cooked. She pretends to hesitate before declaring, a smile lighting up her face.

“Screw dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Chloe is me, one year ago. If you feel worthless/useless, let me tell you: you’re not. Everyone is good at something, everyone can learn something new, improve. It’s ok not knowing what to do in your life. I’m still not sure and I’m almost 30. All I know is that it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what I do, I can always decide to reinvent myself. Today I’m this, maybe tomorrow I’ll be that. Hang on there, never give up learning, and one day all the pieces will click.


	40. || Part III - 2037 ||

||Lay your head back easy, love, close your cryin' eyes

I'll be layin' here beside you when the sun comes on the rise

Close your eyes

I'll be here in the morning

Close your eyes

I'll be here for a while||

_Townes Van Zandt - I'll be here in the morning_

_Photo - Anaïs kowalczyk  
_


	41. The wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the second song of this chapter, it’s the Luke McCormick cover I have in mind, check it on youtube, it’s good 
> 
> This chapter didn’t turn out as good as I wanted to, but it’s been 3 days now and it seems like I can’t find a way to make it better. Also, I barely slept last night and now my body is hating me, so it’s quite possible I let weird stuff passed from google translation, don’t hesitate to point out if anything looks weird.

The bride walks down the aisle of the church, her hands clasped to her bouquet, praying with all her might not to fall. All eyes are on her, admiring her long white dress found after hours of scavenging. But she only sees the one who is waiting for her at the end of the lane. Near the altar, the groom’s throat is tight with emotion. Finally he will unite his life with the one he loves. To this woman who changed his life. Chloe is tearing up. After weeks of preparation, the big moment has finally come.

\-----

“Joel!! You have no idea of the latest news!!!

-Hello.”

The man responds calmly as his lover rushes into the house, throwing her shoes and coat casually in the hall. He doesn't even bother to sigh at this gesture anymore. He knows that no matter how hard he tries, he'll never get her to put her things in order right away. She kisses him quickly before resuming her story.

“You won’t believe it!

-Let me guess, Molly found yet another electro CD and you’re going to have a big party where you’ll force me to dance again?

-Yeah, because you hate it when I dance against you. But you’re not so far of it actually. It’s a party and it’s about Molly.

-Come on, you know I’m not good at this kind of game. Spit it.

-Chris proposed and she accepted!”

Joel turns to her, eyes wide open. Of course, he knows that Jackson's semblance of normality encourages these kinds of traditions, as is the case with Christmas or Easter. They are not the first to get married, but it’s still rare. Since he moved here, maybe one couple had gotten married, quietly. But he knows that discretion isn't really Molly's strong suit. His mistress proves him right.

“She wants a big wedding like there was before, like in the movies, and she would like it to be no later than the beginning of March, that only leaves us a few weeks to organize everything.

-Why so fast, she’s pregnant or something?

-You know that getting a woman pregnant isn't the only reason to marry her?"

He laughs softly at the annoyed look of his partner. She resumes nonetheless, letting the flow of her thoughts come out of his mouth.

“She just wants to have a snowy wedding. Seriously Joel, you need to help me, I know nothing about how weddings were done.

-I'm afraid mine won't be much of an inspiration. We find an old priest, put her in a dress big enough to hide her condition and that’s it. You should go ask Maria.

-Knowing her and Tommy, they probably just had a barbecue wearing cowboy hats. ‘Don’t think Molly would like that.

-And you think I’d know better than this? Come on, Maria was in her twenties when outbreak came, I can guarantee you she knows about weddings. Just ask her.”

\------

Sitting in a corner of the bar, Chloe scribbles down ideas without paying attention to what's going on around her. The table is covered with to-do lists, letters from residents or security protocols. Tommy and Joel join her, trying to find a place for their glasses through the mountain of papers. The blond whistles in admiration.

“That’s a lot of work. Wouldn't you be more comfortable in the office?

-If I go, your wife will add more. Between what she wants me to learn, the daily tasks and the conflicts to be resolved, my head is gonna explode.

-You should take a break.

-I can't, I promised to finish this. I don't want to disappoint her.

-You’re doing just fine. Don’t you worry, she’s happy to have you. Just enjoy your beer.

-I can’t, I’ve to finish this list for Molly’s wedding.

-What’s left to do?

-Finding stuff, mostly. She wants a wedding dress, but we don’t have enough fabric in town for that.

-Well she’s the best scavenger around here, I’m sure she’ll find something.

-Yeah, she’s planning for a trip next week.

-Really? Are you going with her?

-No.

-Why not, it could be fun.”

Joel gives his brother a heavy look. He just wants him to shut up, to stop rubbing salt in the wounds. If the young woman no longer patrols, it's not just because she's helping Maria now. The last time she was out, a strong panic attack seized her, and it took a considerable effort for him to calm her down. An energy they couldn't afford to spend on patrolling, when there are so many dangers around.

He would like her to be no longer afraid, but how could he blame her. Every time she had been out, something scary happened to her. He had come up with the idea of leaving, just the two of them, for a chalet on the heights overlooking the city. Not very far from Jackson, the place was particularly safe. He had hoped that a romantic moment outside could restore her confidence. But every time she imagined walking through the doors, her whole body froze and a cold sweat was running down her back. So he had stopped talking about it. There were enough places in Jackson to have a good time together. And if one day she came to refuse to leave their bedroom, he knew he could always organize a romantic moment there. As long as they’re together, that's all that matters. He grits his teeth when Tommy begins to insist. He sees that she is uncomfortable, playing nervously with her fingers as she listens to the other speak.

“I think you should go anyway. It would allow you to discover other things, there is so much that you do not know out there.

-I can’t. I'm not you, or Joel, or Molly. I'm terrified anytime that I have to leave Jackson. I know I should grow up and all but... That's the truth. I’m sorry.

-You don’t have to be sorry. Not everyone needs to go out. So, what else does Molly needs?”

Joel changes the subject, shooting a warning glance to his brother. He needs to stop tormenting the young woman now, even if that is not his intention. She's finally doing something she's proud of, he doesn't have to spoil it by reminding her of what she can't do.

\------

Chloe glances at Joel, who is sitting next to her at the table. It's time. He empties the contents of his glass before getting up, slowly. He still doesn't know why he agreed to do this. He had given in to wear and tear, his mistress being persuasive. And then, what the bride wants, the bride gets.

He refused at first, he didn't want to play in front of half the city. Chloe had laughed at him, didn't he want to be a musician growing up? She needed him. Molly wanted her to sing for their first dance as husband and wife, and usually Chris was the one playing the guitar. She couldn't sing without someone to accompany her.

That’s how Joel finds himself on stage, his eyes riveted on his guitar so as not to see the faces turned towards him. If Chloe hadn't been by his side, he surely wouldn't have taken the stage, hiding in a corner of town. But as soon as she starts singing in her clear voice, he smiles. Appeased.

Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling In Love

|Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin

If I can't help falling in love with you?|

This verse resonates particularly with him. He had long wondered about his love for Chloe. On the merits of it. Was it wrong? Was it in sin? Some believed him. Some may still believe it. But he doesn't care anymore. Because he sure can’t help falling in love with her. No matter what she does, he finds himself smiling every time he sees her, his heart filling with comforting warmth.

He looks up to the crowd and realizes how silly his fear of playing had been. Everyone's eyes are on the couple, no one cares about the musicians. So he relaxes, his confidence totally won for the next part. A few heads rise as his voice takes over from Chloe's.

|Take my hand

Take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you|

She has her eyes riveted on her friend, radiant. Hearing Joel's voice warms her heart. Although he often plays the guitar near her, whether it is to accompany one of her household chores or her moments of rest, he rarely sings. She encourages him however, she loves his deep voice. But he still has a certain modesty, a certain restraint. She suddenly feels moved. Is it to see her friend so happy or to hear Joel sing those words of love that bring tears to her eyes?

They sing the last verse together. He, eyes lowered to his guitar, she, head turned in his direction without looking at his face. She knows her voice would derail if she does. As the guitar falls silent and the bride and groom kiss tenderly, she clears her throat, giving them a few moments before speaking.

“My dearest Molly, you only asked me for one song tonight, but we have another in stock for you. Chris actually asked us for it. "

Molly's face lights up, eager to discover this surprise. She can't help but a little cry when she recognizes one of her favorite songs, embracing her now husband with joy. Chloe chuckles softly before looking up at Joel, each singing in turn. Her eyes shine, knowing that the words he sings, he could have written for her.

|Well, holy moly, me oh my

You're the apple of my eye

Girl, I've never loved one like you|

|Man, oh man, you're my best friend

I scream it to the nothingness

There ain't nothing that I need|

|And in the streets you run a-free

Like it's only you and me

Geez, you're something to see|

|That's true, laugh until we think we'll die

Barefoot on a summer night

Never could be sweeter than with you|

He scratches the last notes, his eyes sunk in hers. The applause almost makes him jump. For a few moments there had been only them, he had forgotten the presence of all these people around them. He almost blushes in embarrassment at having been exposed in plain sight. She can't help but smile at his reaction. They greet the audience briefly before giving way to the group that will host the evening.

As Joel puts away his guitar and has a well-earned drink, she is dragged into a dance by Molly, determined to keep her friend close to her. Cheek to cheek, they let themselves go to the rhythm of the song, laughing like teenage girls at their prom. Joel watches them from afar, a half-amused, half-tender smile adorning his lips.

When the group starts playing Moon River, Chris comes to take back his wife, Chloe letting her go without regret. She is about to leave the dance floor when she feels a hand slip on her waist. She turns to meet her lover's gaze. Without a word, she snuggles up against him, indulging in this dance. She sighs with ease, her head in the crook of his neck. She couldn't have asked for a better day. Everything had been absolutely perfect.

\----

A few days have passed since this wedding which will undoubtedly remain in the archives of the city. Chloe and Joel got up early to lend a hand to the stables. It's not the most rewarding job, but they don't mind. They like to help out when they can, and Maria has promised them one of her delicious breakfasts when they're done. As she cleans a cubicle, she talks about what's going on in her head.

"I wonder what I’m going to do now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy it’s over. But in the end, this wedding took my free time for so long that now I feel a bit empty. I think I need to find a new hobby.

-I could teach you wood craft.

-Nah, you’d boss me around and I wouldn’t listen a thing, we would just drive each other crazy. With sharpy objects around, it’s not really smart. Don’t worry, I’ll find something.

-Well, I’ve other suggestions to occupy your time but I'm afraid someone will hear me.”

She laughs softly before raising her fork again. She takes the opportunity to stroke one of the horses, scratching behind his ears while whispering some nonsense. Even if she no longer goes out, she appreciates the comforting presence of these beasts so powerful and yet so calm. It takes a few moments for her to realize that Joel is standing in the doorway of the cubicle, watching her thoughtfully. He clears his throat before deciding to speak.

“I’ve never asked you, but with Molly doing it... You wanna get married?

-Ok man, I know I’ve not a long experience of before outbreak, but I’ve seen enough romcom to know that’s a shitty proposal. Literally.” She adds, showing the soiled straw at their feet. He sighs, already annoyed by the turn this conversation is taking.

“I’m not proposing. I’m trying to talk.

-Calm down cowboy, I’m teasing you. No, I’m not expecting a thing. I don’t judge Molly for wanting to do it, but I’m not sure I see the point. We love each other. We know it, everyone knows it. I don’t think we need to put ourselves in front of everyone to be happy. But if you want to make the thing official, in front of god or peers or whatever, I’m not against either. I just… I don’t really mind either way.”

He nods. That’s how he feels too. His first marriage was not really a success. This memory stays in the back of his mind, even though he knows this relationship has nothing to do with it. He's not 17 anymore, he wouldn't have to do it out of obligation more than out of love. But does getting married still mean anything in this apocalyptic world? He knows it, you don't need a wedding to unite his life with hers. And yet, if Chloe asked him, he wouldn't hesitate to don one of those penguin costumes. Yes, if that could make her happy, he would it without a shadow of a doubt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need Troy Baker singing Can’t help falling in love with you, because I’m hearing it in my mind and that just sounds marvelous.   
> This was the last chapter I had ahead, so now you will have to wait every other day or so to have an update. Thanks for the support!


	42. Salt Lake City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Angst, mention of her past trauma, sexual allusion

Eyes misted with sleep, Chloe crawls into the kitchen still full of the darkness of the night. It's only 5:30 am, but she can't sleep. With slow gestures, she decides to make breakfast before Joel gets up. Usually he's up before her, always waking up at dawn, letting her sleep a couple hours more. She needs more sleep than he, who has known the chaotic life of a smuggler. Her hand grabs the kettle to fill it but stops before reaching the sink. She frowns as she notices a piece of paper on the center island. She's sure it wasn't there the day before.

She grabs it distractedly, convinced that it must be some list she forgot there. But as her eyes run over it, her blood freezes. She puts the kettle down slowly, all her limbs tense. She freezes for a moment before finally her body wakes up. With a start, she tightens her hand on the paper, crumpling it.

Without realizing it, she starts running, calling Joel. She rushes up the stairs, nearly falling several times. When she arrives in the bedroom, the man is ready to come out, worried by the cries of his partner. These years of survival left him a light sleep and the ability to get up immediately. He probes Chloe's face before grabbing the paper she hands him.

In an instant, she sees his face crumble and turn livid. He said nothing, as if he had just received a blow. Then he comes out of his trance to grab his backpack, feverishly filling it with what he finds. In the corner of the room, Chloe watches him, her throat tight. She has never known him such a look. Pure terror. She would like to question him, to try to figure out what's going on, but she knows she can’t. It’s their secret. She can’t ask.

Cunningly, anxiety creeps in it. He’s leaving. Outside. Far. To silence that fear, she goes downstairs while he gets dressed. In the kitchen, she collects a few things he can nibble on on the road. She doesn't even know how long it will take him to get there. And to come back. If all goes well. Fear spreads its roots a little more, enclosing each of her organs. Every ride comes with risk, and Salt Lake isn't quite the next door.

She watches him stuff the food into his backpack, looking more concerned than ever. He finally looks up at her, coming out of his own worries to notice hers. In a trembling voice, she questions him.

“Are you taking Tommy with you?

-No, the town needs him. I can manage.

-I don't want you to go alone, please babe.

-Everything is going to be fine, don’t worry. She mustn't be gone long ago, I'll catch up with her quickly.”

She nods and smiles at him, trying to hide her anguish. She knows he has to go, Ellie can't be out alone this way. Despite the voice screaming in her brain, she mustn't hold him back. He lands a quick kiss on her lips before leaving the house, abandoning her alone with her anxieties and questions. In an hour, she will go out to see Maria, to let her know what happened. Once again, the older will want to explain her what happened between Joel and Ellie. Once again, she will refuse to be told, even if it costs her to do so.

Leaving the kitchen in the dark, she picks up the kettle she had left there earlier. With controlled gestures, she fills it and listens to the song of the bubbles that fills the room. Her cup full, she slowly sits down at the kitchen table, resuming reading the letter Joel had left in the kitchen, hoping to understand some more. Put pieces of the puzzle together. With trembling hands, little by little she lets the emotion invade her. She rests her head against her folded arms on the table, crying like a child.

_“Joel,_

_It's been going on for too long, I can’t live like this anymore. I need to know._

_I’m going to Salt Lake City. Maybe they’ve changed their mind, maybe they’ll try again. But even if they’re not, I'm getting the answers you deny me._

_Ellie.”_

\------------

When the first rays of the sun started to shine, she wiped away her tears, pushing her terror deep within herself and standing up coldly. Numb with her wave of emotion, she dressed without really thinking. It was in the same spirit that she closed the door of the house behind her, plunging into the streets of Jackson which slowly came to life in the early morning chill of spring.

All day long, she drowned herself in work, doing more than what was asked of her. She needed to forget the fear that was twisting her stomach. Then came the time to leave the office, which she reluctantly did. Maria had offered to come and dine with them, but she had refused. She knew they were going to be as nervous as she was, and that the heavy atmosphere would only add to the weight on her heart. She spent a couple hours with Molly, who had no idea what was going on. After a few drinks she finally decides to go home.

Pushing open the door, she finds herself greeted with a leaden silence. She swallows hard as she steps into this empty house. In the kitchen, she pours herself a glass of water, her eyes riveted on Ellie's cabin, the lights desperately turned off. Anguish is gnawing at her again. It seems to her that she has never felt such loneliness. She has never had to face such a loss. Even if they are not lost. Not yet. No, she can't be thinking like that, they're just not here. They will come back. But what if something happens to them? They have survived so much, they know how to manage. But what if… What if…

She sets the glass down and clenches her fists on the stone counter. Twenty four hours. According to Tommy, that’s roughly the time it takes to reach the city with a horse. Three days. This is the duration that she imposes on her mind. She has no right to worry for three days. If they don't come back after that, then she would have a right to sink. But in the meantime, she has to be strong. For Maria and the community who need her. For Ellie. For him.

\-----

Chloe is in the kitchen, occupying her mind as she cooks. She freezes when she sees movement in the backyard. Ellie. She rushes to the porch, abandoning the preparation of dinner to question the young girl. She stops but doesn't look at her, keeping her back turned.

“Are you ok? Where’s Joel?

-He’s fine” Ellie growls before slamming the door to her place.

It doesn’t seem fine to Chloe. Of course, Joel must have scold her for behaving like that. Leaving town in the middle of the night like this. But why isn't he here with her? She takes a deep breath before heading back inside. She takes a look at the food but feels too feverish to resume her work.

Stomach in a knot, she walks to the living room. Sitting on the sofa, her fingers play nervously with the fabric of her t-shirt in an attempt to occupy her mind. She is waiting. She is waiting. The ticking of the clock is driving her crazy. She would like to get up to explode the object on the ground. To do something with her hands, violently erase the anguish that is there again. But she has to control herself. So she continues to wait. And wait.

When finally the click of the handle is heard, she jumps to her legs to rush into the hall. He's barely crossed the threshold when she jumps to his neck, relieved to finally see him. Joel takes a step or two back in shock at the unexpected contact. Without a word, he folds his arms around her. He hugs her tightly. Too hardly for a simple “back-home” hug. Something went wrong.

“What happened babe?”

He doesn't answer, burying his face a little deeper into his partner's neck. She lets him do it, more worried than ever. After a few moments, she pulls away and begins to help him undo his coat and guide him to the kitchen. He's taken care of her that way so many times, it's time for her to return the favor.

\------

Joel has been desperately silent since he came home. She led him up to the bedroom, holding his hand gently. He let her do, watching her out of the corner of his eye. Sitting on the edge of the bed, with slow movements he undoes the buttons of his shirt one by one. She walks up to him to slide it down his arms. He's not hurt, but his whole body is numb, so he lets himself be helped. After getting rid of his jeans, he sighs under the sheets with a sigh.

It doesn't take long for her to join him there. Lying face to face, they stare at each other for long minutes before she puts her hand on his face, stroking it gently. She leans a little closer and rests her forehead against his, before kissing him. It's a gentle, heartwarming movement. He knows that in her he can find the peace that his soul craves. If he could, he would want to relive the nights in front of the fireplace. The first, to rediscover this woman and finally open up to someone. The second, to drown in her, forget everything thanks to her warmth, to the softness of her skin rubbing against his. To her arms wrapped around his head in a tender gesture as he kissed her breasts.

At these memories, he deepens the kiss and rolls her onto her back, pressing her against the mattress without ever letting go of her lips. With these gestures, he tries to forget his feelings, to repress them by losing himself in her arms. But it’s too much for her. Too much ardor, too much pressure from that body against hers, those hands starting to undress her. Suddenly, her past resurfaces.

It still happens to her sometimes. One movement, one word, and here she is again plunged back into her QZ cell without her being able to control it. But usually he feels it immediately, stopping everything to hold her, and reassure her, helping her anchor herself in the present to scare away images of the past.

But not this time. Too captured by his own suffering, he continues to kiss her tense body. Without realizing that tears started to roll down her cheeks, that her breathing almost stopped. Without understanding that the nails digging into his skin don’t do it with pleasure but with fear. She starts to shake, her voice stuck in her throat. Stop. Stop.

“STOP!”

Her broken voice slams through the air like a whip. Joel immediately freezes, as if coming back to reality, realizing what’s going on. He pulls back, horrified. He hadn't seen. He hadn't felt. And now she is crying, her arms wrapped around her own body, as if to gain some protection. Protection... From him. A retching takes him. How could he forget her past like that? He stammers, still in shock.

“I’m sorry, I’m...

-It’s okay, it’s okay. Look at me, I’m fine.”

She fights against herself and reaches out to him. He needs her like she needs him. She grabs his arm as he pulls away from her, ready to stand up. She forces him to look at him, pulling his arm a bit to get him to stay close to her. She still cries but fights her own terror so as not to lose him. She is even more terrified that he will run away if he gets up. That he leaves, maybe even outside Jackson's walls, to flee his demons.

She continues to whisper I'm fine while pulling him against her. He ends up letting himself go, rocked by her sweet litany, her tender gestures. She manages to get him to lie down. This time, it's him who comes in her arms. Slowly, she rests his head on her breast, stroking his hair and back, continuing to repeat reassuring words, as he had done a thousand times for her.

She does it as much for her as for him, letting these reassuring words infuse in her. It will be fine. She's safe in this room, with him. She’s no longer there, she’s no longer in their hands. Here she has known only rest and love. She reaches out to turn on the light. A very simple gesture of which she was however deprived. Not here. Here she is in control. Here she is safe. She rests her arm around him and resumes her caresses, the light gently illuminating their faces.

Little by little, their bodies relax and silence falls. She knows that the road to recovery is still long, their scars still alive. Maybe it would take them a lifetime to escape their fears. But at least they found each other. At least they have the other to hold on and forget the pain and torment a bit. To spend the nights and days. To gain a little happiness and serenity.

\---

The days pass, life resumes its course. They act like nothing has happened, despite the sadness on Joel's face as a constant reminder of those dark days. The dejected look of her lover breaks her heart. She would like to relieve him, to share a little of his pain. A thousand times she wanted to ask him “What happened”. A thousand times she held back. Lying next to each other, she holds herself back again. But he meets her gaze, and he guesses. He bites his lip, hesitating, before speaking in a low, somewhat hoarse voice.

“I can't tell you for Ellie. Not because I don't trust you. But I just can’t.

-It's ok Joel. I'm not asking.”

He nods before pulling her against him. He squeezes her tight, maybe a little too tight. He can't lose her. She too would hate him if she knew. He couldn't stand it. She's the only thing that keeps him sane. Her, and the hope that one day Ellie can forgive him.

Slowly, she falls asleep against him, cradled by his skin against hers. He stays awake. No matter the caresses of his companion, her reassuring warmth, and her slow breathing once asleep, he cannot find sleep. Gnawed by guilt. He feels alone. But he still can't tell her the truth. Tell her what he did, what he robbed humanity of. It is his burden. And he'll have to carry it on his own until his end.


	43. I can't lose you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: light smut, a bit of angst I guess.  
> I’m not satisfied at all with the first part of this chapter, and the rest could be improved to, but I’ve been stuck on this for a few days and I don’t see how to do it. Next chapter should be better, I’ve wrote a part of it a long time ago and I like it! Anyway, thanks for all the reads and support <3.

Despite the pain, Joel manages to resume a more or less normal life. Day after day, he clings to Chloe to stay afloat and not sink, engulfed in his past. She hurts to see him like this. Joel was never more vulnerable than when things were about Ellie. Chloe knows it, she can't mend his scars. But she can appease them, by being present, with small gestures, with good dishes. Simple things that ease his pain and make him grateful, even if he can't express it with words. So when he places soft kisses on her forehead, or hugs her tenderly, she knows she's made him feel good.

Tonight, he was persuaded to come to the party. Despite the loud music, he manages to chat with other residents, beer in hand. He keeps an eye on Chloe, who once again gives in to the dance.

At the bar, a group of younger men are talking. One of them has been in Jackson for only a few weeks but has quickly integrated with the rest of his age. The thirty-something toasts with his new friends before asking in a tone of confidence.

“Hey, what's the name of the girl who was serving earlier, the one dancing over there.

-Chloe? Why you’re asking?

-I think she likes me, she kept smiling to me. I think I’m gonna dance with her, try to get to know each other, you know what I mean.

-Yeah, I wouldn’t do that buddy.

\- What, because you didn't succeed? Don’t worry, I’ve my way with ladies.”

The others exchange knowing glances and let the man named Carl head for the dance floor. As he walks away, they laugh softly, knowing full well how he’s going to be greeted. With a smile on his face, Derek serves the others, laughing at their remarks. As the newcomer is now near Chloe, one of them notices.

“Her old man won’t be please.

-Whose old man?”

With a shudder, they turn to the deep voice. Leaning on the counter, Joel arrived to get a refill. The one who spoke stammers an apology, drawing a smirk from the older man. Derek fills his glasses, indicating his companion with a nod of the head.

"You're going to intervene?

-Nah she can handle herself.”

Joel responds while watching his partner gently push the newcomer away. Still, he doesn’t take his eyes off her. Even though he doesn't show it often, he's the jealous type. So when the other starts to get too pushy, he puts his drink down and walks up to the floor, earning amused glances from the spectators of the scene. Anyone knowing Joel knows how protective he can be with those close to him. Carl is going to find out. He jumps when he feels a hand rest on his shoulder. He frowns as he recognizes the one Tommy introduced as his brother.

"Why don't you go back to the bar and have some water.

-I’m fine dancing with the lady.

-No, you’re not.”

His deep voice turned almost threatening. The youngest swallows at Joel's cold gaze. He pulls back and returns aback to the bar. Watching him walk away, Chloe smiled at her partner’s demeanor. As usual, he worries about her.

"You ok?

-Yeah, but maybe you should stay around, just to be sure.”

She says with a pout more sexy than innocent, knowing full well that he would crack. He shakes his head and does so. He can't deny her anything. She starts to dance again, not taking her eyes off him. He imitates her, having drunk enough to forget the judgment of others without making a fool of himself.

At the bar, mocking smiles greet an annoyed Carl. Taking the glass of defeat handed to him, he can't help but watch Chloe and Joel dance without touching each other. One of his mates begins to explain to him, deciding not to reveal everything immediately.

“Yeah, we should have warned you, he’s really protective with her.

-Why?

-Well, she lives with him since she got here.

-They're roommates or something? He's like her father?

-Oh, he's her daddy alright.”

Too absorbed in his observation, he doesn't notice the amused smiles of the others around him. Even Derek can't help but sketch at smirk, even though he knows Chloe would have gouged out the head of the blatant who spoke if she had heard that.

On the floor, the dance got closer, more sensual. The lovers share a smile of complicity, knowing full well what is going on near the bar. They feel the eyes on them. He comes a little closer, putting his hand on her hip before speaking into her ear so that she can hear him.

“That kid, he’s one of the new recruits that I have to train tomorrow for the patrol. It might be interesting.

\- Maybe we can make it even more interesting.”

With a smirk, he nods to his partner's suggestion. As she completely clings to him, continuing to move her hips in rhythm, he leans down to kiss her. Both smile in the kiss as they hear laughter coming from the bar. The gang couldn't help when they saw Carl's bewildered face, apparently far from having imagined this relationship.

As a new song rings out, Joel leans in again to whisper in her ear, eliciting a mischievous smile from his mistress. They return to the bar, ignoring the insistent looks of the others. She asks Derek to pass her the vest she left behind the counter.

“You're leaving already?

-Duty call.”

Derek chuckles softly as he winks at her. He knows how diligent she is on these kinds of responsibilities. Beside her, Joel gazes casually at the young men despite his lover's hints. He warns them.

“Don't overdo the drink, I'll expect you at 6am tomorrow. Don’t be late."

Chloe quietly bites the inside of her cheek so as not to laugh at the incredibly serious air from her companion. Although he has integrated into the social life of the city, he continues to maintain that harsh, stern look that impresses most people. This contrast with _her_ Joel, the one who looks at her tenderly, laughing at her idiocy, amuses her enormously. He puts his hand on her waist and they walk away without looking at the others. Smugly. It’s only once in the streets that they let go, laughing like teens proud of their silliness.

“I’d like to be there tomorrow to see his face.

-It's gonna be gold

-Maybe I should come and take lessons too. They say the instructor is cute.

-You would just distract him, pretending not knowing how to hold a gun just to have him touching you.”

She laughs softly as he slips his arm around her shoulders. She looks at her watch.

“It's still early, what are we going to do?

-I think you already know that.”

She looks up at him brightly, biting her lip suggestively. He chuckles, shaking his head, and she laughs too before stating the most likely scenario for this evening.

“Let me guess. Watching a silly 80's movie that I will fall asleep to after ten minutes.

-Yup. And people think I’m the old one.

-Hey! I’d have dance all night long, you’re the one taking me out.

-You can go back, I’m pretty sure Carl would be glad.

-Nah, I’m better dozing off against you.”

\----------------------------

Chloe chuckles softly as she mixes her dough. Behind her, Joel hugs her, kissing her shoulder, trying to distract her from her job. As she resists, he gently mocks her, hoping for a reaction. With a sulky gesture, she puts paste on his nose. _You’re gonna regret this_ , he threatens gently. Forcing her to turn around, he leans towards her neck to rub his nose there, getting rid of the food preparation. She lets out a slight moan of disgust before laughing at his proud look. Not resentful, she wraps her arms around his neck to keep him close to her. He observes the features of her face before resting his forehead against hers, whispering under a breath.

“Why are you so pretty?”

She responds by kissing him tenderly. When their mouths part, he leans to the side to clean her neck with his lips. With application, he removes traces of food one by one. She squirms a little at this gesture, as much because it tickles her as because she feels a familiar warmth rising inside her. She tries to ignore the blood rushing right to her core, diverting the conversation.

“Does it taste good?

-You always taste good.

-I’m talking about the food.

-I’m not.”

Without giving her time to reply, he catches her lips in a heated kiss. He feels her excitement, arousing carnal appetites in him. With a confident gesture, he lifts her up to sit her on the counter. His hands play with the inside of her thighs, making her tremble in anticipation. He breaks the kiss to take her shirt off in one quick motion. Without further ado, he moves down her upper body to kiss her chest, pushing aside the remaining cloth to reach his goal and take her nipple in his mouth. While heaving light sighs of relief, she lets her hands slide over his body, searching for the opening of his jeans, beginning to undo the buttons eagerly. Suddenly, the back door swings open.

“Hey Joel, do you- Shit!

-Goddammit Tommy! Have you ever learned to knock or what?

The older one growls, angrily pulling his pants back, annoyed at being interrupted. Chloe puts her bra back on correctly before grabbing her t-shirt nonchalantly. Too bad for the moment of intimacy, it will have to wait. With his back turned, Tommy can’t help but comment.

"I know I'm in no position to make a point, but what you’re doing isn’t really hygienic.

-Do you want me to remind you life in Boston?"

For a few moments, the two brothers continue to shoot pikes at each other as they often do. Still sitting on the counter, Chloe bursts out laughing. They stop bickering to look at her, taken aback.

“I can already imagine you two in thirty years, old and spoiled, rambling the same stories and growling at each other.

-Thirty years? You’re generous, I think my dear brother is already there.”

Joel nudges him in the ribs to silence him. Still annoyed, he asks why he's disturbing them like this. Tommy needs him for some consolidation work, one of the construction workers being injured. The older sighs and kisses his partner before going out after his brother.

As silence returns to the kitchen, she looks at her preparations, discouraged. She's not in the mood for it anymore, but she's getting it done anyway. At least that will keep her busy for a few hours, perhaps helping her forget that she's craving for his touch on her body.

\----

"Why are you still here, shouldn't you have finished your shift already?"

Behind the counter, Chloe has returned to her old role. It still happens from time to time that she lends a hand. She likes it, it allows her to meet everyone, to chat with them. Thus, she gets to know the people of the community better and can provide solutions that are better suited to everyone's needs. The young woman is proud of her new role, proud of being able to make a difference without having to step outside the city walls. Grabbing a glass to fill it, she answers Maria.

"The patrol still hasn't come back ... ‘Got to keep my mind busy. "

The blonde just nods her head. She didn’t go home herself, preferring to spend some time surrounded by people than in the silence of her own home. She knows it though, patrols with new recruits sometimes take longer, especially if Tommy and Joel stumble upon an opportunity to teach them new things. So she keeps her usual calm and takes time to chat with members of her community. She and Chloe present their new ideas to their neighbors to strengthen the city's defense while allowing its development.

After much discussion, the two women look up as the doors to the bar swing open. Everyone steps aside to greet the patrol members, tired but happy to be back. Chloe looks around for Joel, and when she finally finds him, her smile immediately disappears. He is livid, looking more exhausted than the others, his clothes dirty and damaged. Quickly she walks around the counter to approach him.

“What happened?

\- I’ll tell you later.

\- Are you hurt?

\- I’m fine.

\- I still think you should go to the infirmary.

\- Tommy! I’m fine. I just want to go home.”

Ignoring his brother, he gazes her, silently asking her to accept his request. Throat tight, she nods. He puts his arm around her shoulders as she hugs his back and the two step out as the bar under the stare of the bar regulars.

At home, she can clearly see his difficulty in climbing the stairs, but she says nothing. In the bathroom, she fills the tub, heating the water with the small stove they have set up for this purpose. He's never been able to fix the house's plumbing system, but they're good as it is. They have known much worse. As she works, he slowly undoes the buttons on his shirt. Grimacing in pain, he must ask her to help remove it.

When the fabric slides down his back, her heart skips a beat, her face crumbling. He sees it but remains silent, turning his head away. A huge bruise covers part of his back, accompanied by scratches that extend to his arms. He doesn't explain anything to her, she doesn't ask questions either.

He painfully slips into the water as she continues to fill the tub. When finished, she kneels beside him and grabs a bath sponge. Gently, she runs it on his back to remove the dust and dried blood. He winces at the contact but doesn't complain. He had to go through worse. After a few minutes, he grabs her hand to stop her and asks her softly.

"Come with me."

She looks at him for a moment and nods, taking off her clothes without a word before slipping into the water. Once she sits between his legs, he wraps his arms around her, pressing her back against his chest. They remain like this for a few minutes in silence, enjoying the warmth of each other. In a hollow voice, she finally dares to ask.

“What happened?

-I was checking the second floor of a house when this runner jumped on me. I backed up and stepped on a rotten plank. I went through the ceiling and fell to the floor below.

-Seriously, what is it with you and falling from higher floors?”

He can’t help but laugh softly at the remark, stroking her arm absently.

“At least this time there wasn't an iron bar to accommodate my fall.

-I still don't get how you survived that.

-Well, I had to meet you.”

She smiles as he gently kisses her shoulder, her neck, making her shiver. He resumes his story.

“That man… Carl. He saved my ass back there.

-How?

-The runner. It fell right on me. He didn’t hesitate, he shot it without flinching.”

She quivers, imagining the scene. He tightens his grip on her a little more, kissing her temple tenderly. Sensing that she is still tense, he whispers softly.

“I’m home now.”

\---

For several days, Joel stays at home, his body too slowed down by his injuries. He can't do much, the slightest gesture awakening the bruise on his back. With an everlasting smile on her face, Chloe takes care of him, bringing work home so he's not alone. Yet the man does not let himself be fooled by this apparent serenity. He sees her absent-mindedness, her slightly feverish gestures.

This evening is no exception. She has a shift to take and comes over to kiss him distractedly to say goodbye. Before she can walk away, he grabs her hand to make her look at him.

"I'll be coming to the bar later."

She nods with a faint smile before leaving, grabbing her bag in the process. She has a stop to make before going to work. On the way, she tries to clear her mind. Since Joel’s return, a sneaky anxiety has gripped her stomach, which can act up at any time without warning. Arrived at destination, she takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. Moments later, she finds herself face to face with Carl's surprised face.

“Chloe? Are you ok?

-I did this for you. To thank you. It’s not much, but I’m a good cook.”

He stammers a thank you as he takes the dish, surprised. She's about to leave, but he stops her.

“I… I'm sorry about the other night, I had a bit of a drink, you know how it is.”

She sweeps it away with a wave of her hand. It's long forgotten. She doesn't blame him. She never even blamed him. She stands there in front of him, seeing that he has something on his heart that he doesn't dare say yet. He scratches his head.

“You know, when I first saw you, I thought it was just lust. I didn't think it could be a real relationship.

-You're not the first, you won't be the last. It’s okay.

-But I saw how you looked at him when we got home. You really care about him, right? "

She gives a small smile before greeting him. She walks away, her throat tight and the tears ready to come out. Yes, she really cares about him. It only takes her a couple minutes to walk to the bar, much to her relief. It's time for her to go drown her mind in work.

\----

Sitting at one of the tables, Joel pats the wood in rhythm. Some musicians brought out their instruments to brighten up this ordinary evening. A few couples dance among the regulars who have come to enjoy a drink at the end of the day. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches Chloe move around the tables and the dancers, less talkative than usual. When a slow song starts, he grabs the young woman's arm as soon as she walks past him. She looks up at him as he stands up, ready to drag her with him.

"What are you doing?

-Making you dance.

-I can't Joel, I'm working.

-They can do without you for just a song."

He argues but she has already given up, wrapping her arms around his neck. They dance in silence against each other. Glancing around the room, she can't suppress a smile.

"They're staring again.

-I think they're jealous.

-As they should be. We're super cute AND super hot. Like, no one get both but us. We're special Joel."

He looks at her, an expression both tender and amused on his face. He bends down to kiss her softly. She ended up resting her head on his shoulder, suddenly elsewhere. He senses that something is bothering her. A bad move pulls at his wound and he hisses. She pierces him again with her serious gaze. In a soft voice, he tries to reassure her.

" It pulls a little, that's all. Don’t worry.

-You shouldn't be dancing if you’re in pain.

-I'm ok. Honey girl, what's going on with you?"

She looks away, plunging her face into the crook of his neck. He closes his grip on her a little more. He guessed, of course. There are not a thousand explanations for the behavior of his mistress. Resting his head on hers, he whispers softly.

"I'm here, and I'm fine.

-I can't lose you Joel."

She finally manages to articulate, her voice starting to hoarse with tears. He knows he can't promise her anything. Until now, when he tried to prepare her for his death, she waved off the conversation, doing anything to move on to another topic. But now she faced with that reality, those hours without knowing where he was, those wounds that could have been much more severe. She is terrified. He pauses for a moment to hold her face in his hand, forcing her to look at him as he speaks in his calm, gentle voice.

“You're not losing me. Not just yet.”


	44. Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of past trauma and awful ways women had to go through to get abortion before it was legal.
> 
> The read proofing was bit light on this chapter, sorry ‘bout that. Don’t hesitate to point out any incoherence, especially with his/her, as they really don’t work the same in French and google trad often messes up with them and I don’t always see it.

“She adopted you Joel!

-Well she's pretty darn cute.”

In their living room, all eyes are on the man, sitting in his chair. He only has eyes for the sleeping baby in his arms. Her mother, Louisa, is a friend of Chloe and Molly, who is also present along with Maria. Their husbands are also there, and a good-natured atmosphere reigns in the house.

Standing by the fireplace, Chloe serves her guests tea, a slight smile on her lips. She spent her morning baking various cookies and snacks, under the amused eye of her companion. It looked like she was about to receive a president or a king. But he knows she enjoys having people around her and serving them good food is part of her way to expresses her affection. She takes as much pleasure in it as he does with his sculptures, so why stop her.

While the discussions are going well, the baby wakes up and starts to cry. Her mother makes a gesture to offer to take her back, but Joel shakes his head and stands up.

“Enjoy your tea, I’m taking this little lady for a walk.”

With a smile on her lips, Chloe watches him leave for the dining room, gently hugging the baby in his arms to calm her down. She snaps out of her thoughts, feeling Louisa staring at her intently before commenting.

“He does so well with babies.”

Chloe nods, smiling politely but not saying anything. At this moment, she has only one fear, that someone brings the matter to the table. It’s clearly the elephant in the room. She and Joel have been together for almost a year now, more if counting the time spent in secret, and she is still young. Everyone should expect her to get pregnant, it's not like birth control methods are plentiful in this world.

Apart from the Miller family, only Molly knows her situation. She had asked her that question some time ago when she was considering the possibility of becoming parents with Chris. Chloe had just told her she couldn't have any, and her friend hadn't insisted. But now all eyes are on her, and she knows it won't be long before one of them says joyfully, "what about you, when will you have one?"

Sitting on the window seat, Maria can see everything. She knows very well what is going through the young woman's head at that time. She has been in this position. She hasn’t been sterilized, but it’s just like it. None of her pregnancies came to term, causing a little more damage each time. Failure after failure, Tommy had stayed by her side, sharing her pain, and supporting her in her decisions. Now they know they will never be parents. Make flourish Jackson and its community, that’s their baby.

Yes, Maria knows full well what Chloe is feeling, and she knows the embarrassment such a question could cause her. So she asks the parents a down to earth question about their new home. Taking advantage of this change of conversation, the hostess gets up, pretending to have to do something in the kitchen.

Without a sound, she approaches the room. She stands in the doorway for a few moments, resting her temple there, both softened and with a heavy heart. Joel and the baby are there, looking at something through the window above the sink. The man she loves didn't notice she was there, too absorbed in his babbling to the little one against him. He talks to her about everything and nothing, it doesn't really make any other sense than trying to get the baby to laugh and smile. His soft and tender voice melts her.

_What would ours look like?_

She tenses at the sudden thought that invaded her brain. She shakes her head to make it disappear and stares at Joel. He noticed her coming and just told her something she didn't hear. He frowns slightly before repeating.

"Will you take her please?

-I don’t think I can.

-Of course you can, it ain’t rocket science. If I could do it when I was 16 you can. You're smarter than me.

-Not for those things"

She answers, but to no avail. He put the baby in her arms without giving her a choice. Her breathing quickens, she is not sure she can do that. What if she drops her? What if she hurts her by squeezing her too tight? Her heart calms a bit, as her gaze follows the child's tiny hand that plays against her sweater, trying to grab something that only she can see. She smiles and places a soft kiss on her forehead.

“See, you're doing well.”

She sketches an absent smile before passing the baby back to her companion. He plays softly with her tiny hand before raising his head to his companion.

“You coming?

-In a second.”

As they walk away, she walks over to the counter, routinely wiping it with a rag even though it is already perfectly clean. She knows she has to join them, but she doesn't feel the strength to put on a good face, have a conversation and play with the center of attention. It's beyond her strength. Discreetly, she slips into the hallway and goes up the stairs.

Arrived in their room, her gaze naturally goes to the photos on the dresser. Joel and Ellie. But mainly, Joel and Sarah. He is young in this photo, a couple years less than she is today. The little girl smiles proudly. Again, she can't help but think of what their child's face would be.

_What’s wrong with you._

She doesn't understand what's happening to her. This wave of sadness. She tries to reason with herself. She loves her life the way it is. And Joel probably doesn't want to go back to the hectic nights, diapers, and parental anxieties. No matter how much she contradicts him when he says so, he's getting old. Who would want to be a father at fifty, in a world where reaching that age is already a miracle in itself. No, their life is good, they don't need anything else.

And yet, she finds herself overwhelmed by her emotions. _This is really stupid. You never even wanted to be a mother_. So why can't she help but imagine the life of this child who would never come by their side? She bites the inside of her cheeks and walks towards the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Suddenly it hits her. She never mourned the loss. She never even realized she had to. When they had sterilized her, she had been angry, but not so much because they deprived her of having children, but because of the pain it caused. She thought she would die in that colorless place, so not being able to get pregnant with one of those men coming one after the other was probably a good thing. The prospect of giving birth to a soldier or a small strike was far more terrifying than being beaten to death. Besides, they surely would not have accepted one of their girls to complete her pregnancy. Hitting her in the stomach until the abortion ensued would probably have been the solution if they hadn't had an accommodating doctor on hand. Or the classic badly disinfected iron rod that would have killed her for sure.

No, she never thought she would get out of it, let alone find a man she could trust absolutely. She thought that kind of relationship only existed in movies from life before. And yet, she has found one, in a safe environment, or at least as safe as today's world could offer. A life a bit like before, a bit easier than elsewhere.

She is crying for real now, facing this sad reality. Never will she carry his child. Sitting on the cold tiled floor, she surrenders to her grief. There's nothing she can do to stop it now, so she might as well let it out once and for all, hoping it never comes back.

“Chloe, you’re in there?”

Joel's voice makes her shiver. She rushes over to the sink, running water to cover her crooked voice and spray her face in case he decides to enter. She doesn't want him to see her crying, especially when the living room is full of guests.

“Yes... I... I just have a headache.

-Let me come in.

-No, it’s ok. I just need a bit of calm. Please.

-You sure?

-Yeah. Can you tell the others I don’t feel good?”

He seems to hesitate but finally agrees, not without asking her again if there is something he can do. She lets out a slight chuckle, both sob and laugh, at the thoughtfulness of this beloved man. _Everything is fine_ , she tells him in her most reassuring voice.

She listens, relieved, as his footsteps recede. With her fingers hanging on the sink, she looks up to the sky and curses herself for not being able to share her thoughts with him. But it's a pain she has to keep to herself. A burden she alone should carry. He's heard enough as it is. He deserves a little peace of mind too.

\----

Sitting on the armchair, her eyes are lost in the landscape she sees from the window. At the top of the large trees that border the cemetery, she sees birds making their nests. For an hour, she has been watching the ballet of birds, bringing twigs and pieces of wood to the summits. Concentrating on these movements allows her to clear her mind, to reduce her anxiety. She slowly turns her head when she hears Joel enter the room.

“Hey.

-Hey.” She answers in a breath. He approaches.

“They left.

-I heard.”

He's by her side now. Slowly, he lifts his hand to remove a few strands that fall on her face, before gently stroking her forehead. She closes her eyes, enjoying these comforting gestures and the fleeting silence that accompany them.

“You feel better?

-Yeah. Sorry for bailing out like that, but my head hurt too much. I’d just have been bad company.”

He smiles back at her and continues to look at her silently, as if trying to read his partner's mind.

“You’re ok?

-Yeah, yeah. Just a really bad headache. A good night of sleep and you’ll find me back to normal.

-Ok. Wanna some dinner?

-Yeah. Go first, I’ll be there in a minute.

-Ok.”

He places a kiss on her forehead before going downstairs. She doesn't know if she convinced him, but at least he didn't insist. She sighs, looking out the window one last time. Another hour or two and she could go to bed. And tomorrow, everything would be back to normal. It has to. She can't let this urge eat her stomach. Because it will remain empty no matter what.

\---

Joel puts down his book and turns off the light before turning to her in bed. In the half-light, he sees that she is still upset. She spent the evening absent-minded, responding only in monosyllables to his questions or his attempts at discussion. He strokes her face and plunges his eyes into hers. She looks away, clenching her jaw. He lifts her chin up to him, forcing her to look at him.

"What is it?"

In response, she begins to cry. He pulls her closer, pressing her face to his chest as she sobs, her fingers catching his t-shirt. His stroke the back of her neck, wrapping around the hair that is escaping from her loose bun. He whispers softly.

"Come on love, it's ok".

After a few moments, she manages to articulate through her sobs.

“I'm so stupid, I'm crying over something I don't even want. I love our life as it is. Having a kid, it's scary, it’s a responsibility. And just the thought of having something growing in you, it's disgusting. I don’t want kids, but I can’t stop being sad because I can’t have one. I’m so stupid.

-Ssh honey, it’s ok, breathe, breathe.”

She bursts into tears again as he pulls her against him. He didn’t understand immediately. And then it hit him. This day. Him taking care of the baby. The looks on them. She never talks about this scar from the past. It's not really like she's avoiding the subject, but they had never brought it, and so far there weren't many children around. He tries to comfort her.

“It’s alright to cry. It's not because you don't want kids that you can't be sad about being sterile. It should have been your choice and they stole it from you.”

\----------------

The next morning, he finds her at the back of the house. A cup of tea in her hands, she sways gently on the rocking chair he had sculpted for her birthday. She sits there every morning, enjoying the view of the mountains. He leans in to kiss her and gently stroke her forehead. He sits next to her and holds her hand as he gazes at the scenery. He didn't get much sleep, considering the situation. He turns his head towards her.

“We could adopt.

-What?!

-We could adopt, or I don’t know. But that could be a solution.

\- Do you really see yourself having another child?

-I dunno. I couldn't imagine being interested in another kid and Ellie came along. I didn't think I would have a relationship with a woman again, and you came along. I'm not saying we should do it. But we could discuss about it, if you feel the need. If the city finds itself taking in a child alone.”

She nods without adding anything. She's not sure she wants to be a mother. But knowing that there is always this open door reassures her. She relaxes a bit while playing with his fingers intertwined in hers. He decides to change the conversation.

“What will you do today?

-I would like to add some flowers in the garden, Maria doesn't need me this morning.

-More flowers?!

-You know I love them. You can't have too much of them.”

He smiles without protesting. He understands why she is doing this. She only knew the concrete and asphalt of her QZ. She was not eight when it all started, and one of the few memories of her life before is her parents' garden. Surrounding herself with flowers is her way of bringing it back to life. He just has to go out to see nature and beautiful spaces. But she stays in town. With this garden, she rebuilds an Eden for them to enjoy, together.

\------

Coming out of the bathroom, wiping his hair, Joel frowns. In bed, Chloe still seems dozing. He walks over to her and squeezes her shoulder gently, earning a growl from the young woman.

“It’s time you get up love.

-I can’t, I’m too tired. I don’t feel so good.”

He frowns again at that plaintive voice he doesn't know her. He sits on the mattress and removes the hair that falls on her forehead. With a gentle gesture, he passes his hand to take her temperature.

“You're a bit hot. Maybe you should stay in bed this morning and sleep it off. I'll tell Maria on my way to the stable.

-Stay with me.

-You know I can't

-Can't you say you're sick? That we're both sick and need at least two days off?

-No one will believe that honey."

Her eyes, shining with fever, let out a sad glow that grips his heart. But he has no choice.

“You know I have to go. It’s for our sakes.

-I know. It's just that we are working so hard nowadays. I just want some times just you and me.

\- Maybe we can fix that. Take two or three days to stay home quietly.

-You know we can't do that. We'll do some work on the house or lend a hand to someone we meet. No, I don't think that's the solution.”

He stops stroking her forehead questioningly. Does he understand what she’s implying? She responds with a shy smile.

“Tell me again about this chalet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, next chapter will be nothing but fluff and summertime love and it will be great. (Well, I hope the good weather will remain as it was for the last week, because that’s what inspired me for most part of next chapter. Anyway, thanks for comments, vote and support <3)


	45. Le temps des cerises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: smut, more descriptive than usual. Slight mentions of their pasts (abusive relationship). 
> 
> And if you’re wondering, nope, I didn’t forget to translate the title, it’s the name of a song that I was listening to when I got the idea for this chapter. The lyrics are about summer, and summer love, and its atmosphere just fits with what I wanted to for this chapter, I hope you’ll feel it. I’ve inserted Tino Rossi’s version because that’s one of my favorites, but the one from Tokiko Kato used in Porco Rosso is also very good.

Horse bridles in hand, she scans the surroundings as Joel turns the old key in the wrought iron gate. He had described a magical place to her, but for now all she can see are weeds growing in the shade of twisting trees. She tries to catch a glimpse of the building, as he growls, pushing against the rusty gate.

The road had gone well, quiet hours riding without meeting living or reborn souls. Of course, she had a lump in her stomach the whole time, despite Joel's soft voice speaking comforting words to her. She was a little reassured when she saw the entrance to the place. A single door, immense impassable walls and above all... Moats. “According to Maria, the owner had a passion for medieval castles,” he explained to her.

Although he locks the gate behind them again, she can't help but worry, her fingers clutching the reins of their mounts. He walks over to her and strokes her cheek with the back of his hand.

“Don’t worry, we came over with Tommy the other day, we checked everything out. We are safe here.”

She nods silently and takes his hand, allowing him to lead her to the cabin. It’s a traditional building, in wood and pierced with windows still hidden by closed shutters. She begins to see a part of the lake on the side of the house, as well as colored spots. Flower bushes? Fear flies away to give way to excitement. He suppresses an amused smile and tugs at her hand. He still wants to make the surprise last a few moments.

They enter the still dark house. He stops her in the middle of the room and asks her not to look. She stomps as she hears him bustling around, opening the shutters one by one. In his soft voice, he tells her to open her eyes. She blinks first, blinded by the light flooding the room. When she finally manages to keep them open, she is speechless at the spectacle before her.

Behind the windows stretches a flowerbed in all colors, which only stops to give way to gray sand that disappears into the lake, its water made turquoise by the sun. Leaning against the wall, his arms crossed, Joel admires the result of his surprise with pride. She stammers a few words without succeeding in forming an intelligible sentence. He laughs softly and heads for the bedroom to open the last closed shutters.

She walks over to the patio door, gently sliding her hand over the doorknob to open it, slowly, as though she's afraid it’s a dream that a too sudden movement would pull her out of. Her boots echo on the stones of the small terrace. A warm breeze caressed her face and she can't help but laugh happily.

"So, was it worth it to leave Jackson?"

She turns and gives him a beaming smile, a response far more satisfying to him than any of her words. He walks over to kiss her softly, she snuggles into him. They stay that way for a few moments, enjoying the comfort provided by the other. He finally pulled away, nodding to the garden.

“Go ahead, explore your new playground. I'll just go around the fences, check that nothing has moved. "

He places a final kiss on her forehead before walking back to the front of the house. She takes a closer look at the surroundings. Despite the wilderness that has taken over, she can still guess the shape of the old gardens. The owner must have spent a lot of time there. The flower bushes became shrubs, setting the grass ablaze with their vivid colors. On the edges of the land, she sees a few trees, branches heavy with fruits.

With light steps, she approaches an apple tree. With a flick of the hand, she unhooks one of those round, red spheres that she knows is full of sugar. She loves to do this simple, childish gesture. Maybe because it's a rare memory she keeps from her childhood. She remembers her father, carrying her in his arms so that she can reach the branches. She bites into the fruit as she did back then, still a little girl. The same radiant smile illuminates her face as the sweet juice plays with her taste buds, a trickle escaping down her chin.

Joel walks over and smiles when he sees her face lighting up. A vision of what she’d have been like if the world hadn't been turned down by this infection. With a malicious gesture she brings the apple to his lips, watching him bite where she had put her own teeth moments before. She drops a quick kiss, their mouths sticky with the sugar of the fruit.

\-----

Putting away the provisions they brought, he turns to see what she's doing. Humming softly, she arranges flowers in a vase. She had cut them off while he was busy setting them up. He watches her tenderly. He knows it, coming here was a good idea. For a few days, he'll be able to give her a taste of life before. Offer her the recklessness that she has sorely lacked all her life, even in Jackson's safety. She pulls back, admiring her work before turning to him.

"How about we relax now?"

\---

“The water has an incredible color here.

-Yes, it reminds me a bit of when we were in California with Tommy. After days and days of motorcycling, we really enjoyed jumping into the sea.

-I wish I could see that.

-You’ve never seen the sea?

-I don’t remember. We had a photo, one of the few that my mother managed to keep when we moved to the QZ. I can be seen as a little girl playing in the sand, but honestly I have no memory of it. Maybe it was just a sandbox, I haven't seen this photo for so long. I took it with me when she died, but it stayed with my aunt, like everything else."

A veil of sadness darkens her face. They remain silent for a few moments, both seated on the terrace. Joel stands up vigorously and holds out his hand.

“Close your eyes.

-What, why?

-Trust me, Close your eyes.”

She tightens her hand over his, digging her fingers into his skin, nervous to have to move forward like this without knowing what to expect. She just knows they are approaching the edge. She threatens.

“I swear to God if you push me in the water-

-I won't push you.”

He responds firmly. Very quickly, they stop. He lets go of her hand, she hears him move next to him without knowing what he's up to. She can't help but get impatient.

“What are you doing?

-Taking you to the beach.”

She frowns but can't suppress a smile when she hears his voice full of mischief. He sits her down on the towel he set up and tries to mimic a bird's cry, eliciting a frank and unexpected laugh from her. He concedes.

“Yeah, let's say there are no birds today.”

With a smile on her face, she keeps her eyes closed, impatient to find out what happens next. Slowly, he takes off her shoes to put her feet in the sand. It's not as thin and white as the one on his trip to California, but it'll be good enough. She buries her feet in it, and he smiles when he sees her finally come into his game. He sits next to her, sliding his fingers through hers.

"There you go. Now I want you to remember the images you saw in the movies. The turquoise sea in front of you…"

For long minutes, he portrays to her what she would have seen if she had been with him and Tommy that day. The sun, the sound of the light wind in the palm trees merging with that of the waves rolling on the hot sand. The sea spray, salt sticking to their exposed skin. This feeling of endless summer. When he finishes his description, a serene expression lights up her face.

“It's perfect. All I need now is a handsome young man to massage my back.

-It can be arranged.

-And you know what, I think we're alone on this beach, we don't risk shocking anyone if this handsome young man wants to kiss me first."

He smiles and comes to kneel in front of her. Eyes still closed, she searches for his lips. She wraps her arms around his neck and slowly drops backwards, dragging him with her. She breaks the kiss and ends up opening her eyes, looking down at his face towering above her, the blue sky in the background. He asks her.

"So, how was it?

-Perfect. But this view isn't bad either."

\----

She sighs, watching the sun set over the lake. They sit in silence on the terrace, enjoying those last moments of daylight, sipping a beer. He looks at her and sees that once again her brain is spinning. He pulls her out of his daydream by quietly saying her name. She smiles at him.

“I was in my thoughts. You know, in Jackson, I often feel melancholy about things I've never known. I know our life isn’t bad there, not bad at all. In fact, it’s probably the closest to what existed before. But I can't help thinking. If I were to do something from the time before, it would be a road trip. I mean, the wild spaces, you driving a car across the country, me by your side, singing songs. Just the two of us in this carefree world you used to have. And today, I feel we’re having a bit of this experience. So I’m happy. ”

He grabs her hand, gently kissing the knuckles of her fingers. With her free hand, she points to the book she is reading.

“The heroine's boyfriend. He's mistreating her and she sees nothing. He's playing charming man when all he does is isolating her. That's what Cyril did to me. The more time passes, the more I realize how toxic this relationship was. He used to tell me that nobody would take care of me like he did. That Talia ... Talia was nice just because she wanted me to whore myself up on a pole. Maybe he was right on that, I don’t know. But his goal was to convince me that there was just him, that I didn't need anyone else. To make me totally dependent on him. At his mercy. "

He squeezes her hand a little harder. He knows how difficult it is for her to talk about all this. She still has nightmares, although they are much rarer. Her thumb plays with the palm of his hand. She looks at him, a weak smile on her lips.

“And to think that they thought our relationship could be toxic. They don’t know anything. I’m so grateful for you.”

He runs his hand over her cheek, stroking it gently before lifting her chin to place a tender kiss on her lips. Separating from him, she rests her head on his shoulder, admiring the last ray of sunshine plunging behind the lake. He kisses her hair before whispering, as if only she should hear him.

“I love you.”

\---------

In the small bedroom, the rays of the sun strike softly the languid bodies of the two lovers. With her head resting on his shoulder, she relishes the feel of the cold sheets against her bare legs. He absently strokes her arms, wondering what time it might be.

“Shouldn't we get up?

-We have nothing to do. Enjoy it. For once, we have no responsibility, no task.”

He smiles and gently puts his lips to her temple. She observes this cozy bedroom, the only one in this charming cabin. In a corner of the room, she sees an old phonograph. She shows it to her companion.

“Do you think he's still working?

-There's only one way to find out. "

As he approaches the object, she admires his body offered naked to her eyes without the slightest shame. His broad shoulders, his muscular back, the small of his back. He turns around before she can descend any lower, his gaze surprising hers. He asks, a smirk on his lips.

“You enjoy the view?

-I do.”

She laughs softly before approaching lazily without leaving the bed. She grabs with her fingertips one of the vinyl records in the box at the foot of the device. She frowns, trying to read the text.

“Can you read that?

-No. It’s… French, maybe?”

She takes it out of the sleeve before handing it to her lover who sets it up. He gives the crank a few turns before approaching the tonearm to the vinyl now spinning at full speed. Eventually a hazy sound escapes the object.

Tino Rossi – Le temps des cerises

Lying on her stomach, she rests her chin on her hand, listening with closed eyes to this unknown song. She doesn't understand a word of it but finds it pretty. She would like to know what it is about, although these kinds of old songs are most often about love, happy or lost. To her knowledge, no one speaks French in Jackson. These words will remain a happy mystery to them. He sits down next to her and absently strokes her bare back. They remain silent, letting the music freeze the room out of time.

\------

Lucienne Boyer – Parlez-moi d’amour

 _Parlez-moi d'amour_ \- Speak to me of love  
 _Redites-moi des choses tendres_ \- Tell me those tender things again  
 _Votre beau discours_ \- Your beautiful speech  
 _Mon cœur n'est pas las de l'entendre_ \- My heart is not tired of hearing it

They settled down by the water's edge, setting the gramophone down on a small table found inside. Joel watches his mistress read, sat between his legs. Her hair is tied loosely, strands tumbling down her uncovered neck. The heat of that afternoon made beads of sweat appear on the young woman's skin, tanned from a summer spent outside. He slides his finger over it, making her shake slightly. She smiles, staying focused on her reading.

He is clearly more interested in this vision than in his book which he holds open on the side. Her scent, her body stretched out lasciviously against his, inspires him other activities besides reading. He gently plunges his face into the crook of her neck, her skin salty under his lips. She tries to remain impassive, but he feels that she likes it. He begins to caress her innocently, like an absent, usual gesture.

When she drops her book by tilting her head back, he knows he's won. She turns her face to him, searching for his mouth. His hands roam her body a little more eagerly, ghosting over her chest. He undoes the buttons on her denim shorts before gently pushing her back to change position. She leans on her elbows as he slowly slides the shorts over her tapered legs. He goes up them just as slowly, his lips following a meticulous trail, his hand following the same movement on the opposite leg. He focuses on the soft part inside of her thighs, feigning to ignore her stomach which tightens with impatience and envy.

He stands up to kiss her abdomen still covered with her tank top. Through the fabric, he can see her breasts peaking with desire. He smirks. He would just have to take this top off to revel her bare chest. But he waits a little longer and comes up to share a wet kiss with his partner. He slides down her neck again, savoring every inch of skin offered, as her arms frame his head.

Her body is already shaking even if he barely touched her. Her legs are wrapping around his, pressing him a little more against her. She rubs against him, his crotch still covered by pants. He smiles and plays with the fabric lining on her cleavage. She moans impatiently, but he pretends not to understand. Her already hoarse voice is heard, weakly.

"Take it off."

He considers for a moment the possibility of making her languish a little longer, but he quickly gives up on the idea. He himself begins to grow impatient. Yet, it's not as if he hadn't touched her since they arrived. Being completely alone under this sun awakens carnal appetites in them. Like teenagers, they are unable to remove their hands from each other.

When the fabric is gone, it doesn't take him long to lean over her again, his lips brushing the skin between her breasts as one of his hands gently caresses the curves of her waist. He finally pulls it up, and a higher pitched sound comes out of her pretty mouth when he rolls one of her nipples between his fingers. His mouth joins the other, his tongue curling on the tip hardened by these treatments. She arches her back, waving her hips to get more friction.

He almost reluctantly leaves her breasts to descend to her navel, plunging his tongue into it to snatch a shiver that covers her body with goosebump. He continues his descent, finding himself between her legs, his hands playing with the elastic of her panties. He hums and looks at her with a satisfied smile, noticing the stain that has formed on the fabric. She blushes slightly and looks away, embarrassed to be exposed like this, her naked body subjected to the strong sunlight while he is still dressed.

He sees her embarrassment and goes up to kiss her tenderly, absently stroking her bare stomach with one hand, her hair with the other. She gives in to the kiss and quickly regains confidence, her long fingers pulling her lover’s t-shirt up onto his skin, only parting their mouths to slide it quickly over his head. He sets off again to explore his partner's body, pulling her panties down on her thighs just enough to finally have access to the skin until then hidden. Slowly, he slides his index down her slit, while his teeth gently attack the tender skin of her neck.

A gasp escapes from her throat as his index slides inside her without difficulty, quickly joined by his middle finger. When his thumb finally comes to put pressure on her clit, no sound comes out of her half-open mouth, her breath cut. In a gesture made awkward by the heat that fills her body, she fumbles in search of his crotch. She feels his member painfully tense and strokes it through the fabric of her underwear.

His breathing becomes faster. He keeps scissoring and curling his fingers inside her, her sighs getting louder and louder. He knows she is ready to receive him. After a last kiss, he decides to descend on her body, strewing his path with kisses. Replacing his thumb with his lips, he slowly withdraws his fingers and uses his hands to completely remove her panties. His tongue follows a meticulous path over her clit, moving up from her slick entrance to the button he captures to keep her stimulated. He removes his own underwear and gives a few strokes to his aching cock before directing it between her legs.

He looks at her, silently awaiting her permission, which she doesn't take long to give him with a nod. He enters her gently, his body resting on his arms on either side of her. He whispers a few praises to her as her breathing grew harder, trying to accommodate with this presence inside her. He gently kisses her shoulder, staying still to give her time to get used to him. It’s not until he feels her relax and start to swirl under him that he begins to move his hips, snatching her a sigh of relief.

His movements are slow but intense, coming out almost entirely of her before going back to burrow deep into her heat. Mouth open, she keeps her eyes closed to better indulge in these sensations. But he wants to see her reactions, all her reactions.

“Look at me.”

His voice is soft but his firm tone leaves her no choice. His eyes lock into hers as he increases the pace of his movements. With a confident gesture, he grabs her knees, lifting them slightly for better access. Her hand slips through his hair, pulling it a bit as he pushes her into an increasingly intense rhythm.

Without warning, he stops dead. Not giving her time to react, he grabs her and she feels herself be moved around without having a say. He smiles slightly as she adapt to this new position, now sitting on top of him. A light breeze caresses her naked body, as if coming to lend a hand to her lover who hardly needs it.

She slides over him, shivering every time she comes back down and their hips meet, bringing a delicious friction on her clit. She tilts her head back slightly as she relishes these moments. One hand on his shoulder which sinks into the skin ready to crack under her fingernails, the other with her fingertips on his chest, unconsciously playing with his graying hairs.

He slides a hand on her back, going up to the back of her neck which he holds firmly but without violence. His other arm is wrapped around her hip, allowing him to lift her to accompany and amplify her movements. To finish her off, he slides his lips over her breasts, taking one nipple in his mouth to roll it under his tongue. She no longer restrains her moans of pleasure, echoing in the nature that surrounds them. Waves of heat invade her lower abdomen, like the ripples rolling on the sand near them. Soon they get stronger and it's like a storm sweeping her away.

She surrenders to orgasm, her forehead resting on his shoulder as her body becomes limp, as if stripped of its bones after having tensed like a bow. She loses track of space and time, letting herself be carried away by the sensations that have made her limbs numb.

"Stay with me"

He whispers softly into her ear, laughing as he continues to move inside her, also nearing his end. She starts moving her hips again, sighing as the feeling of him so tense inside her. She kisses his neck, then his jaw, every inch of skin she can reach before he takes her mouth, muffling his groan of pleasure against her parted lips. She caresses his back, his neck, as she feels him empty into her. She loves those moments of fleeting peace, in the few moments that separate the orgasm from the return to reality. When everything seems lit with a slightly whiter, softer light.

She gently kisses his temple as his cock is still throbbing in her and his breathing is slowly returning to normal. They stay like that for a few more moments, without looking at each other, their heads on the other's shoulder while she still wraps her legs around him.

Chloe moves first, lifting her hips, ignoring the still hot liquid running down her thigh. She stands up without a word, holding out her hand for him to follow. Slowly, she takes them into the lake water, its cool temperature contrasting with the warmth of their sun-drenched skin. As the water covers them now, she clings to him. Forehead against forehead, they remain silent, kicking their legs to stay afloat as they share this seemingly endless time. This inviolable intimacy.

\-----

Lying on a blanket in the grass, they gaze at the stars. This activity leaves a twinge in Joel's heart. He remembers doing it with Ellie years ago. Her enthusiasm in the face of these lights which have fascinated many men before them. It has been almost four years since he embarked on this adventure which changed the course of his life forever. What would have happened if he hadn't crossed paths with Marlene that day? Would he still be a smuggler in Boston? Would he have ended up being caught by a rival or an infected? And Tess. Would she still be alive? He sighs discreetly at the memory of the Capitol. Her neck eaten away with the infection, her gaze begging him to accompany Ellie. If he's here today, it's because of her. He would never have taken this trip if she hadn't made him promise. He would have returned to the QZ, more alone and coldhearted than ever. Thanks to her, he was able to save Ellie. He was able to save Chloe. He bites his lip, feeling a lump of emotion rise up his throat, destroying everything in its path. She pulls him out of his thoughts.

“You’re ok?

-Yes. Hm. Tell me, I, I never asked you but... Last summer, that night before the patrol. You spoke about Tess. How did you know about her?

-You speak when you sleep." He frowns as her eyes gaze into his.

"Well, mumbling would be more accurate. But yeah, sometimes you dream about her.

-I'm sorry.

-For what? You can’t control your dreams. And then, I guess she was important for you, I won't blame you for that.

-She was. We wouldn't be here today without her. But she’s the past. You’re my present. My future. I don't want you to think you're a second choice.

-I don’t. You also say my name when you sleep, more often. And when you do, you have this cute smile on your lips. Just for me."

He smiles softly and kisses her forehead, glad that the shadows hide the tears that have started to come to his eyes. Slowly, he sits up. He has looked at the sky long enough, he wants to find the comfort of the bed and her arms.

\----

“Geez your feet are frozen. Go put on some clothes.

-No, I like staying naked in your arms after we do it.

-I like it too but I don't want you to be sick.

\- Maybe you could warm me up again.

-Honey girl, I'm not twenty anymore, you've exhausted my reserves. And the problem will still be the same once we're done. You won’t want to dress, you’ll be cold ...

-Then we'll do it again.

-You know if I die, you'll have to go back to Jackson alone."

She laughs and gets up, without taking her clothes. She walks out of the room under Joel's puzzled eye. She returns after a few moments with one of the couch covers. He watches her put it on the bed, the curves of her body highlighted by the moon. He slowly sits up on his elbows.

" Finally, maybe you won't need that blanket right away "

She smiles and grabs his hand, leaning by his side to share a knowing kiss, heralding renewed pleasures.

\-----------

The time to return to Jackson has arrived. Reluctantly, they closed the shutters and bid farewell to the flower garden. As he climbs onto his horse, she stands beside hers, lost in thought. He softly calls out her name and silently questions her. She looks up at him, a bit sad.

"We should stay here. Just the two of us. No more trouble, no more responsibilities. Just the two of us, reading books, eating fruits, and having sex. Staying by the fireplace in winter.

-It’s a nice picture, but you know it’s impossible. We can’t survive on our own. We need the others, and the others need us.”

She doesn't answer, just staring wistfully towards the lake. He resumes with an argument that he knows will convince her.

-You know, in winter this part of the lake freeze. You know what it means...

-Infected can come... Yup, let's go home."

With a quick gesture, she hurries to get on her horse, pulling a small laugh from Joel. As the cabin slowly disappears behind their backs, he makes her a promise. Next summer, they will return to their secret garden.


	46. Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: smut, again, because I’m a weak and nasty woman.  
> No real proofreading yet in English, sorry ‘bout that.  
> I think there's roughly 10 chapters left after this one, thank you for still being here!

"I look ridiculous.

-I'm sure you don’t.

-You know I've worn a suit only once in my life? "

She pokes her head through the bathroom door.

“Man, you're hot smoking. I shouldn't let you go out like this, there's gonna be a riot.”

He laughs, but she realizes that it's not what she says that amuses him so much, but what she looks like. He interrogates her as she returns to the bedroom, approaching the bed where her outfit is lying.

“Curlers?

-Yeah, it’s the only way to get my hair right.”

She answers him absent-mindedly while removing her bathrobe, revealing a set of black lace underwear. He watches her put on stockings, something he thought no one would ever do again. He can't even understand how these fine pieces of fabric have held up for twenty-something years without breaking down. God knows where Molly found them.

He swallows hard as he watches the nylon fabric move up along her uncovered thigh. As she hangs it on the garter belt, he imagines walking over to her to stroke the soft skin still exposed. To feast on the sounds he would snatch from her with his lips. He looks away and walks out of the room before his thoughts get out of hand.

He settles into the living room, grabbing a magazine before sitting down in his chair. He's already read it, but he needs to take his mind off this bedroom picture that stays impregnated in him.

After long minutes of waiting, his mouth parts when Chloe finally appears in the room. She donned a midnight blue cocktail dress from the 50s. This piece of clothe is almost ninety years old, and yet it looks like it was tailor-made for her. She smiles modestly, delighted at the effect she just had on her companion. She wants to hear it, to be sure.

"What do you think? Do I fit with your vision of a 50's housewife?

-You do."

He gets up and walks over to her. He notices that she has put on some makeup. She must have used food to achieve this result. Beetroot, perhaps, for her cheeks and lips? As for the black features underlining her eyes, he has no idea how she did them. All he knows is that she is gorgeous, her hair laid out like one of those Hollywood starlets.

“You’re gorgeous Honey Girl.”

She smiles and leads him to the door. It's time for them to go to church. The autumn dance and its costumes await them. He gives her his arm to walk down the streets, and anyone seeing them would have thought they were straight out of an old romantic black and white movie.

She exaggerates the movement of her hips to move the different layers of fabric that make up her outfit. He can feel her doing it and he can't help but look at her with amusement. She smiles again and sighs.

" I never want to take this dress off again.

-That might be a problem for physical work.

-But it's so pretty and fun, look how it moves."

She lets go of his arm to spin around, the skirt fluttering around her. He laughs softly before kissing her and giving her back his arm. As they approach the hall, the music and the hubbub of discussions are already heard, as the children run happily around the square.

He feels all eyes on them as they come into the church. But for once, Joel isn't embarrassed. It’s even with pride that he enters the room. Never has he been so well accompanied. She is radiant, even more so since taking this new position with Maria. She often shrugs when he tells her that she would have been an important woman in the old world. But he is sure of it. Her way of organizing and federating around her. Her intransigence when it comes to making a decision. And the way she shines when she walks into a room, as tonight. Yes, he's proud to be able to call her his partner, failing to call her his wife.

They make their way among the dancing couples and groups of friends to join Maria and Tommy. Chloe looks at him, disappointed and a little annoyed.

“Tommy, why didn't you dress up? Cowboy doesn't count, that's who you are in real life.

-I'm dressed up! I'm Joel!”

She looks at him more closely, realizing the details of his outfit that had escaped her. When he puts on a serious face, making a stern grimace, she bursts out laughing. Yes, she sees the resemblance now. Beside her, the person concerned doesn’t seem so delighted with the comparison.

"Shit Tommy, I spent my afternoon looking for that coat and that tool belt."

To be forgiven, the younger offers a drink to his elder, who accepts. He kisses Chloe's temple before heading to the bar following Tommy. The young woman has no time to regret his presence, Molly and Chris arriving in turn, wearing some hippie costumes.

Everywhere in the room, bursts of laughter at discovering each other's costumes. The atmosphere is light, everyone seems delighted to be there. The band starts playing songs from all times. After a drink, Joel feels ready to go. It would be a shame to leave such a pretty dress away from the dance floor. He has to admit it, he wants to be seen with her, his male ego taking over.

The Platters - Smoke gets in your eyes

Without a word, he leads her among the dancers. He slides his right hand over her waist, while the other mingles with hers. Her fingers catch on his shoulder. Naturally, their cheeks stick together. Both feel an incredible peace as they move smoothly to the rhythm of this romantic music. They don't pay attention to others. Many must be watching them tonight, friends and skeptics alike. But how could they still doubt the depth of their feelings when they see them dance like this? Only deep dishonesty could keep them from realizing that they are really happy together. Softly, he whispers in her ear.

"You're so pretty Mrs. Miller."

She pulls back to look at him, taken aback. Mrs. Miller? He smiles mischievously.

“If you're a 1950s housewife, you need a husband to play that role.

-But who told you that you’re my husband? Maybe you're just my lover.

-Dancing in public with your lover? That's bold of you.

-I'm a bold woman.

-That you are.”

He says with a chuckle as she rests her head against him again. His hand gently strokes her hip as he thinks aloud.

“Maybe I should kill your husband to have you only for myself.

-You would kill a man for me?

-You know I would.

-Who’s talking, today’s or 1950’s Joel?

-Probably both.

-I know I should be terrified but I kinda find that hot and that’s not ok.”

He laughs softly before spinning her around. As he pulls her back into his arms, he points to the corner of the room, changing the conversation.

“Who the hell convinced Ellie to wear a costume?

-Hmm, the idea was suggested by Molly, because she found those clothes. So, she probably told Dina, who must have bullied the poor girl into it.

-She seems happy."

His voice grew weaker as his eyes can’t leave the young girl. She laughs with her friends, with the carefree face of a normal teenager. He comes out of his observation only when his companion tighten his hand a little harder.

"She'll come around. No matter what happened between you. She’s just a teen. My teen years were weird, but from what I read and watched, it's normal for teens to move away from their parental figures. I know it must be painful but... She'll come back to you."

He nods with a sad smile. He knows it's not true, but he can't explain it to her. Not without telling her the whole truth about his past with Ellie. He feels his heart tighten, and the weight of the world settles on his shoulders again. He doesn't regret what he did, but sometimes he wonders if he could have done things differently. Would Ellie have reacted differently if he had told her the truth from the start? His companion takes him from his gloomy reflections.

“We should say hello, tell her she looks great.

-No, it's ok, let's not bother her.

-Come on, it's just ten seconds.

-Chloe, no.”

She bites her lip in front of this firm tone, this stern look that nevertheless reveals sadness. He doesn't want to dance anymore, walking her silently back to their table before leaving without a glance to head for the bar, where he lingers longer than necessary. Her stomach tightens when he sees him leaning on the counter, quickly making a glass of whiskey disappear in his mouth. She would like so much to fix things between them. She had tried, several times, without success.

\------

_Since they'd returned from Salt Lake City, talking to Ellie was like talking to a wall. But Chloe refused to give up. So she had decided to express herself the best way she knew how, through food. One day when Joel was on patrol, she knocked on Ellie's door. She had greeted her coldly, keeping her arms crossed as the other tried to give her the dish. After a few awkward tense exchanges, Chloe got annoyed._

_“What the fuck happened in this goddamn city for you to treat him like this?! It’s been months now, don't you think it's time to move on?_

_-To? You know what, why don’t you ask your man about it?! But I wouldn't trust what he says. He's a liar and a fucking coward!_

_-Ellie!”_

_The teenager stopped when she saw the shocked look on the older. She sighed, rubbing her face. She knew she has gone too far. Chloe had nothing to do with it, she didn't even know about it. Another one Joel was lying to. Who knew if he'd even told her about his past, the deaths he might have caused when he was a thief or a smuggler._

_No, she didn't blame the woman, she was just one of the collateral victims of Joel's actions. Ellie bit the inside of her mouth before relenting, calming herself down. She hadn't wanted to get away from her too. She liked Chloe, they often chatted together before all this, and she had proven to be good advice. But even though Ellie knew all of this, she still couldn't quite put things right. When she saw her, she saw Joel, and all the pain he had caused her. She was not ready to forgive. Not just yet._

\---------

Glasses on his nose, looking concentrated, Joel barely hears his partner arrive as he tackles the painting of one of the figurines he has just finished sculpting. It’s only when he hears her voice that he looks up.

“Hey Handsome.”

He frowns before turning his chair to look at her. Handsome isn’t a pet name she uses very often. Usually, she goes by Babe, a nickname that surprised him every time at first. At his age, he didn't really expect anyone to call him that. And yet, he loves it when that word comes out of her pretty mouth, just for him. He puts his work down as she approaches him, stepping over him to sit on his lap. With her fingertips, she takes his glasses to put them on her nose.

“I can’t see shit with those on.

-Wait a few years, that will change.

-Do I still look hot?”

She strikes a pose, a pout on her lips. But he knows there is nothing innocent about that grimace. She’s playing with him. She knows he has kind of a secretary kink. Nothing big, just some harmless foreplay they have sometimes, her asking what she can do for him, calling him Sir. They don't go any further than that, they don't need to, hopefully, as it could bring back bad memories from her past. He watches her, wondering what's on her mind as she puts her arms around his neck.

“Are you going out the house today?

-I might later, why?

-Would you mind pick up some cheese?

-Again?!”

She smiles innocently. This is one of her favorite. The first solid food she had managed to swallow when she arrived in Jackson, after months, years of deprivation. For weeks, all she ate was soup, cheese, and apple sauce. And even if now, she eats everything, she keeps a special place for this food. When she was still working at the bar, she was forbidden to make sandwiches if they contained the precious ingredient, because everyone knew she would have eaten half of it before it reached the bread. He sighs and rubs his face.

" Soon they won’t want to give us any more and we’ll have to have a cow in the garden for your personal consumption.

-Nah. I plan to take the control of the city. I’ll be a dreaded tyrant and you’ll all have to work to provide me with cheese."

He chuckles softly as she looks at him arrogantly, already resuming her role of despot. He turns the chair, putting her against the workbench. He gently strokes her lower back.

" Is there a place for me in this plan?

-You'll be part of my harem. A tyrant cannot decently be monogamous. "

He makes an unsatisfied face and slides his chair a little closer to the desk, the wood digging slightly into the young woman's back. He slides a finger along her jaw, uttering in a low voice.

"Maybe I should act now then, to save the people of Jackson from a bleak future."

She arches a little, both to relieve the pressure of the wood on her back and to stick her hips to his, moving it in very slow circular motions. She leans forward, her whispers in his ear sending chills down his spine.

"You gonna give me deathless death?"

He is content to sketch a greedy smile before diving down to her neck to leave a trail of sensual kisses. She folds her arms a little tighter around his neck, letting out sighs of pleasure. This is much better than food. Their mouths meet passionately, sealing themselves in a heated kiss. He pulls his face back, frowning.

"Wait, you ain't trading sex for cheese, are you?"

She bursts into laughter and rests her forehead on his shoulder for a few moments, indulging in her amusement. She looks up and kisses him gently.

"I love you.

-More than cheese?

-Way way more.

-Ok then"

She lets out a little cry as he unexpectedly lifts her up to sit her down on his workbench. Without stopping to look at her, he kneels down, delicately removing her boots. She doesn't take the same care, messily opening the buttons on her jeans. He smirks at her impatience, before helping her pull off her pants and panties. Still on the ground, he gently grabs her foot, lightly massaging her ankle before putting his lips on the now bare skin, slowly moving up her calves, then her thighs.

While she’s still capable of it, she twists back to draw the curtains. She doesn’t want Maria to receive complaints because they made it against a window facing the street. She refocuses on him, his hot breath against her privacy. She just wants him to lay his lips on it. But as usual, he decides to frustrate her a bit, preferring to deal with her breasts still hidden by her sweater.

He doesn't take it off her, just sliding his hands under the fabric, grabbing her breasts with a firm, confident gesture. Her sighs are stifled by his tongue coming in search of hers. He smiles in the kiss as she arches back, reacting to his fingers playing with her nipples.

Soon enough, he’s growing impatient, his cock painfully trapped into his pant. As he gently slides his index inside her, she awkwardly undoes his belt, pulling down as best she can the layers of clothing still covering his crotch. She can't help but bite her lip at the sight of his proudly erected member.

She lets out another cry of surprise as he lifts her legs up to rest them against his shoulders, forcing her to lean back against the window. For a few moments, he plays with his cock, slipping it against her folds, making her moans of pleasure mixed with impatience. He finally creeps inside her, only to come out slowly. Painfully slowly.

With his mouth open, he relishes the micro expressions on her face as she closes her eyes, biting her lower lip. When he feels her perfectly relaxed around him, he closes his hands on her hips to grip her better and picks up the pace.

The ruthless rhythm of his movements prevents her from thinking, or doing anything other than moaning in pleasure. Her hands find his forearms and she digs her fingernails there, trying in vain to regain some semblance of control over her body.

Twisted on the desk, the position is not the most comfortable, but the pleasure she receives makes her forget that. As he lifts her hips slightly to improve his angle of attack, her fingers catch on the curtains behind her. One of his deep thrusts makes her pull harder on the fabric. Without warning, the rod collapses onto the desk, spilling the paint he was using before she arrived. He clicks his tongue in annoyance but keep going.

“You’re such a messy girl.”

Eventually he freezes, straightening the container before the paint hit them. She expects him to resume his ruthless movements, but his hands grip her, lifting her against him. Carrying her weight only with his arms, he slides her gently over his cock, his chest brushing her still-clothed nipples, hardened with excitement.

No matter how strong he is, he knows he won't be able to do this for long. He decides to carry her to the bedroom, setting her unceremoniously on the bed. Standing up on her elbows, she teases him.

“You’re tired old man?

-No, I prevent you from destroying my workshop.”

She hums skeptically. Stung in his ego, he turns her on her stomach with a gentle but firm gesture. He kisses her neck as his hands knead her butt, pulling out sighs of both fullness and frustration. She likes to feel him touching her, but after what happened in the other room, she needs more.

Suddenly she feels pulled back. Both straight up on their knees, he puts his arm through her chest to hold her against him, his hand clutching her shoulder firmly as he slips into her again. She’s almost on top of him but he’s the one setting the pace, she can do nothing else but receiving his thrusts. Her hand catches his, digging her fingernails into it to try and find some stability as he mercilessly buries himself in her. His mouth moves closer to her ear, forcing her to arch further back.

“Still think I’m old and tired?”

She would like to answer but she's to focused on trying to breathe, taking in all his movements. He lets out a deep chuckle at her reaction, before gently catching the lobe of her ears between his lips. He's playing smartass but he knows he won't last long, feeling her twitch around him not helping. So with his free hand he slowly descends along her stomach, ghosting her it to tense it a little more. Sounds finally come out of her mouth as his fingers play delicately on her clit, her screams resounding throughout the room.

Suddenly he grunts louder and empties himself into her. He wanted to feel her coming around him, but he couldn't keep up the pace he had set. No matter how much she likes to feel him finishing inside her, it's not enough to make her reach her climax. He stopped his hand movements, his body tense, his forehead resting on her shoulder as he lost himself in the pleasure.

When she feels him come to his senses, she gently lifts her hips to separate from him, lying on her back in the comfortable position he had denied her during this entire exchange. He looks at her, his breath still a little short. She raises a mocking eyebrow. _Maybe you’re really old and tired_ she seemed to say. An idea he can't let go. He towers over her with a smug expression, his face so close to hers that she can feel his warm breath on her skin.

“Oh don’t worry, I ain’t finish with you.”

He kisses her passionately before settling on his knees at the foot of the bed. She lets out a little cry as he pulls her by the ankles, her butt to the edge of the mattress. A shiver runs down her spine as his tongue draws a line from her entrance to the top of her clit. By reflex, she tightens her thighs around his head. He doesn't let her do for long, his fingers catching her thighs to keep her legs wide open as he picks up the pace on her core.

He keeps the pressure up, greedily eating her while observing all of her reactions. Her fingers grips the sheets, straining them almost to the point of tearing. After all the stimulation she's received, it doesn't take long for her to come. He keeps the pressure on for a few moments longer, accompanying her as she rides her high, her head thrown back, her mouth open but silent.

When her body relaxes completely, he gently wipes his mouth before joining her on the bed, bringing her closer to rest in his arms. They stay like that for long minutes, he stroking her hair while her fingers play absently on his chest. He sighs before gently pulling her away from him.

“I guess I must get you some cheese now.

-Babe, this is officially the most romantic thing a guy told me after love.”

He rolls his eyes, and, with a smile on his lips, gently slams his hand on the inside of her thigh. She laughs mischievously, not moving as he goes looking for clothes. She prefers to stay stretched out to enjoy the bliss that has taken over her half-naked body. Her work can wait a bit.

As she settles comfortably on the sheets, she sighs again in satiety. Great talks. Great sex. Great food. What more could she expect from life?


	47. || Part IV - 2038 ||

||Now our rainbow is gone

In this shirt, I can be you

To be near you for a while

I love you, it never ends

And I bled everyday now

On the wind, I can hear you

I am lost, I am lost||

_The Irrepressibles - In this shirt_

_Photo - Mikael Kristenson_


	48. January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hated writing this chapter. I wonder if I didn’t spread to much this story with trivial ideas. Anyway, a new part is beginning, and hopefully it will get better after this chapter. Thanks for sticking with me!

The smell is strong. Not the usual kitchen smell, not even one of those vinegar cleaning products everyone uses nowadays. No, an unpleasant smell that attacks his throat. Somewhat familiar, without him being able to put his finger on it. As Joel approaches the kitchen, he notices the brownish liquid dripping on the floor, covering the tiled floor and threatening to extend to the hardwood floors of the dining room.

A pipe must have break. The facilities aren't young after all, and it's been cold these days. He freezes as he looks up to the back of the room. On one of the chairs they use for their meals together, Chloe is curled up, holding her legs tight between her arms, panting and shivering. He rushes towards her, ignoring the dirty water splashing on his shoes.

She doesn't seem to notice right away that he's there, unresponsive when his hands touch her, his arm trying to undo the lump that her body is forming to see her better. Her haggard eyes fix on him, without really seeming to recognize him. It’s only when he gently caresses her cheek soaked in tears that she finally manages to come out of her trance to pronounce his name in a painful whisper.

“Hey, it’s ok, it’s ok, you’re safe. What happened?

-It… It smells like there.”

Her voice chokes again with anxiety. He frowns as his own memories come back to him. That's right. In Boston, too, the air was often filled with the smell of sewage. There were no trees, no nature to filter the atmosphere filled with stagnant water and toxic fumes from fires lit in the vain hope of warming themselves.

He refocuses on her as her body shivers again. He knows that a word, a gesture can bring her back there, as if someone opened a door wide on her painful past. Despite her being way better, it still happens sometimes, most often when they’re in bed and he has too abrupt a movement, a wrong word. But this is the first time he has seen her react to a smell in this way. Panic must have seized her quickly, and she had found no other shelter in her crisis than this chair.

He doesn't care about his floor anymore. He needs to take her to safety, to take care of her. He grabs her in his arms to lead her into the living room, hoping to be far enough away for the smell to stop tormenting her. He sits her on his laps, gently stroking her hair as she plunges her face in the crook of his neck, pulling the last tears out of her system.

“Ssh, it’s ok. You’re not there anymore. You’ll never have to go back to one of those places, I promise. You’re safe her. You’re safe.”

He continues tirelessly, until he feels her body relax, her fingers stopping to cling to his t-shirt. The sign that the crisis is over. He kisses her forehead and keeps her against him for a few more minutes.

He manages to convince her to lie down on the sofa, gently laying a blanket over her before putting a movie on the TV. A light comedy in soft colors, the kind of distraction she needs after those moments of panic. After a last look, he leaves her to sort out the kitchen problem. He sighs when he sees the work ahead.

After making sure nothing else is coming up the pipes and cleaning the filthy floor, he returns to the living room. He thought he’d found her asleep, but he doesn’t. Gently, he lifts her shoulders to come and sit down, resting her head on his knees. As he slips a few strands of her hair behind her ears, he observes her gaze. What he sees there is no longer grief or anguish. No, it is a different glow. Guilt? She seems to notice his questioning look. She sighs a little before starting, her eyes still on the TV.

“I’m thinking about Daphne.

-The woman that arrived last month? What about her?

\- She lost so many people all these years. Her community… She went through so much. Yet she's there, smiling and working hard. She doesn't let it affect her. Meanwhile I can’t keep my shit together when a fucking pipe burst.

-Ok, first, pains can't be compared. She lost a lot but so did you. And then, you too when you're in public you're nothing but smiles and hard work. You don't know how she is when she's home. So don't go blaming yourself. You're coping as best as you can. And I’m proud of you for that.”

She gently grabs his hand to bring it to her lips, placing a grateful kiss on it. She isn't quite convinced yet, but doesn't feel like arguing with him. Neither does he insist more. He knows he has to let his words infuse into her. They stay that way until the end of the movie. Soon this crisis will be forgotten. The suffering fades and then returns. He’s there for her, she's there for him. That's more than they could have dreamed of when they were stuck in their QZ. When alone and cold.

\---

“Why are you putting your name on the mailbox?

-To let people know who live there.

-People already know that you live there.

-Fine. It makes me happy. Reminds me of life before.”

She nods, stroking the black letters he just pasted on the object. She doesn't need to know more. She can understand those little needs for normalcy, she has hers. While putting away his tools, he looks up at her.

“We could put yours on too if you want. You know, I realized that it's gonna be two and a half years since we know each other and I don't even know your last name, isn't that weird?"

She bites her lip and sighs softly, gazing out of the mailbox to focus on him.

“It’s not weird... I don't know my family name either.

-You don't?

-Nah. After my aunt took my ID along my stuff, I had no more official existence. You remember how it was, no ID meant no ticket ration, no free walking in the streets. When I finally got to Talia, I didn’t need a name anymore. For everyone I was Chloe. My fake ID had a fake name, I don’t remember that one either. And when they locked me, I put all my energy remembering my first name, because they tried to take it away from me, to break me even more. I remembered Chloe. But my family name, it's lost forever.

-I'm sorry.”

She shrugs, a sly smile on her lips.

“It’s ok. It's just another little thing less. It's not the worst they took away from me.”

\----

Quietly, she enters his workshop. It's been several days now that all his free time was occupied by a new project that he refused to talk about. She is far too curious to be satisfied with this answer. So she decides to sneak on hum. As discreetly as a stalker, she comes closer. He finally jumps up, feeling her close to him. He gets up hastily, trying to hide his work.

“Wait, It’s not ready yet!”

But it's too late, she saw. She pushes on his shoulder so that she can look again at the pieces of wood spread out on the workbench, still rough but ready to be painted. Behind her, Joel is scratching his head nervously as she gawks at his work. He's not sure it's a good idea anymore. Stammering a little, he tries to explain himself.

“I thought, since you don't have any memories of your last name, you could use mine. I should have talk to you before doing it. I'm sorry if-

-It’s perfect.”

She finally manages to speak, her throat still tight with the emotion of seeing her name next to his. She nibbles her lip a little before asking, her fingers stroking the wooden letters.

“Do I really have the right to take your name?

-I don't see what could stop us.

-But we aren’t even married...

-Do you want to marry?"

He retries, wondering if she has changed her mind on the matter. When he had called her Mrs. Miller, back in the fall, something had tipped in his head, even though he said it only for the game. The first Mrs. Miller hadn't really wanted to use that name, not taking long to find her maiden name back. But she is different. She seems to want it. And as for he... He only want to call her that again.

But that she ignores. For a few moments, she remains silent, trying to figure out how to arrange her words without startling her companion. Not daring to look at him, she begins to speak.

“I still don't want to put on a show to prove our love, even in front of just our family. But having your name... That you introduce me as your wife, as Tommy does with Maria, rather than as your partner like it was a business thing... I would like that.

-You know, I don't think we need to be validated by God or by men to say that we are married. I did it once, it didn't make the relationship any more real than what there is between us. The way we live, the way we take care of each other. That's more real than any ceremony. We're the only ones who have to validate this relation.

-So you’re saying that… I'm already Mrs. Miller?

-I think you are. If you're ok with it.

-I am.”

Silence sets in as she leans against the desk, letting this conversation slowly creep into them. A grin lights up her face, and she is almost laughing now.

“So that's it, we're married?!

-‘Looks like it.

-Well, why don’t you kiss the bride?"

A serious chuckle escapes from his chest and he approaches her. He gently strokes her cheek, locking his eyes into hers. They exchange a look that seems to last forever before he finally leans in for capture her lips. Their embrace turns into a slow dance, as he gently hums a Platters song in her ear. She lets herself be carried away by time, doing her best to engrave this moment into her mind. She knows she'll want to remember his arm holding her tight, his cheek against hers until the end of her days.

\------

“Is Ellie joining us?”

Maria asks as Chloe pour her a glass of wine. They decided to organize a small dinner at their place, just the family, to announce their decision. Tommy and Maria are there of course, but also Chris and Molly. She's like her sister after all. Joel doesn't answer the question, leaving it to his now wife to answer. To lie.

“No, she has a thing planned with her friends for a long time.”

It’s indeed a lie. Not two hours ago, she knocked on her door, trying once again to convince her to join them. Just dinner. She didn't even have to stay long, just sit down and eat with them. But of course, she had refused. So Chloe had finally told her the reason for the evening, hoping to change her mind. The girl's face had changed expression slightly, her mouth parted a little in surprise. But her cold expression had quickly returned.

_“Look, I’m happy you two are getting married, you’re great for each other. But I can’t be there._

_-Ellie please, for me._

_-I… I can’t Chloe, sorry.”_

The young girl immediately closed the door, leaving no room for dialogue. Joel didn't say anything when she came back to the kitchen, but she noticed the sad glow in his gaze. No matter how hard she tried, she could never make up for the void Ellie had left in his heart.

She snaps out of her thoughts as her companion reaches out to her to come near him. They all have a drink now. Chloe takes a look at those faces so familiar, so reassuring. But she also feels a small heartache. Ellie isn't the only one missing tonight. Eugene isn’t here. Her father figure has gone. Peacefully. A stroke, the doctor said.

He had been there at all stages of her life in Jackson. He came to their house for dinner almost every week, like a family ritual. He made Joel go crazy, always siding with Chloe and teasing her partner with mischief, like a father would. Joel knew he was only doing this for fun, he was their first advocate. Tonight, his absence is felt a little more than usual. She close her fingers tighter on Joel's as he clears his throat.

“So, I guess that we should tell you why we invited you here this evening.

-Does that have to do with what’s written on the mailbox?"

Chloe can't help but smile when she sees Joel's slightly annoyed face, unhappy to have been cut off like this by his brother in the middle of his announcement. Even if he plays the idiots sometimes, and often puts flat out, Tommy is smart, he sees things. The others haven't noticed anything, and their looks go back and forth between the blond man and the couple. It's Chloe who reveals the end of the story, providing answers to their questions.

“We just wanted to tell you that from now on we will refer to each other as husband and wife. We don’t want to make a big deal out of this. Just a dinner, so you’re not surprised next time we call each other that in public.

-Wait, does that mean you won’t have a wedding? That’s not ok! I want to danse at your wedding, listening to your vows.”

Chloe chuckles softly at Molly's impassioned speech, but shakes her head. Their vows will be kept private. They had told them to each other in the twilight of their bedroom, while their bodies eagerly went in search of the other

Take care of each other, no matter what traumas may arise.

Love each other, even when he was grumpy, and she too excited over something trivial.

Continue to grow together, to guide each other in this strange world.

Holding each other tightly, as long as they could.

Until dusk falls for one of them.

\-----

The dinner happens in a good-natured atmosphere, each one congratulating them and going from their anecdote about the couple. Despite her protests from before, Molly got it into her head to find them a pair of rings, so that at least one tradition would be respected. The spouses understood that they don’t have a say in this decision.

At the end of the evening, they feel grateful for the laughter and the love of their loved ones. While Molly and Chris are already gone, the Millers have a nightcap. Chloe disappeared into the kitchen, starting to tidy up a bit. Helpful as ever, Tommy brings her the dirty glasses he collected from the living room. He can't help but ask the question that has been running through his mind all evening.

"Are you sure you don't want a wedding? I know Joel can be stubborn, but there's nothing he wouldn't do for you.

-In fact, I'm the one who doesn't want it.

-Really?

-You know we're private people tommy.

-Yeah, particularly when you guys are on the dance floor at one of your parties.

-Ok, that's the exception and alcohol is to blame. I just don't want to stand in front of people and talking about my feeling. I know what he fells, he knows what I feel. We're already committing our life to each other's. We don't need more.

-Alright. Well, no matter the stupid things I might have said in the past, I’m happy for you. You make him real happy. I’m still not sure he deserves you though. But I’m grateful we found you in the forest that day. You’re a great addition to the family.

-Thank you Tommy.

-Now that you’re officially one of us, you and I have to stick together. We know we're the nice Miller.

-Yeah, the two others are just frightening.”

He laughs softly. From the hallway, Maria can be heard calling her husband in her detached voice, drawing a knowing little smile from them. A perfect illustration of their words.

“Well I must be on my way. Congratulations lil' sister.”

He places a brotherly kiss on her temple before leaving the room to join his wife. After closing the door behind his guests, Joel joins her in the kitchen. Standing in the doorway, he sees the emotion of his now wife. He approaches her, questioning.

“What did he tell you?

-That I was a fool to marry you

-Well Honey, you already knew that. It’s too late to change your mind now.

-I don't recall swearing never to divorce.

-Right. I’m screwed then.”

She laughs softly and puts the plate she was cleaning back down in the sink. The dishes can wait, they have much better things to do instead. Surrounding his neck with her arms, she kisses him tenderly. Who knows, maybe they could pretend tonight is their wedding night.


	49. February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: smut, not quite written as usual, hope you’ll like it anyway.
> 
> Yep, 2 chapters in less than 24 hours because I’m inspired and also bored.

“Molly came back from her trip, guess what she brought back: a dog! She found him wandering through an old house, she gave him some food and he followed her all the way back! You would see him, he's really cute. They'll call him Rufus I think."

He sighs, seeing very well where she’s going with this. It’s not the first time that she has brought the subject to the table. And now that her best friend has one, her urge to bring a furball into their house is only stronger. She continues her babbling without paying attention to the disillusioned face of her companion.

“She's really happy now that they're going to be parents. She always dreamed of being one of those families whose children grow up with a dog. I understand her, what better than a dog to complete a family. The games, the cuddles in the evening by the fire...

-The fleas, the dirt, the outings at a late hour for him to do his business..."

She pouts at the mocking voice of her companion. But she doesn't give up that easily.

“He could go on patrol with you, protect you, warn you of dangers.

-Yeah, knowing you, you wouldn't let him follow me even to the stables. You would be so attached, you would be too afraid that something would happen to him.

-Ok, well, he could protect me when you're not around.

-Protect you from what? You’re perfectly safe inside the walls. And then you sleep with a gun on the nightstand, that's the best defense.

-He could make me feel less alone...”

She said this last sentence more quietly. His expression softens, the taunt leaving him. He looks at her with a touch of sadness. This last sentence gripped his heart. Does she feel alone with him? Isn't he enough to fulfill her? Is it this the fact that she can’t have kids that resurfaces? She sees that he is wondering and reassures him, a slight smile on her lips.

“I'm bored when you're on patrol. He would keep me company.”

He hums, still dubious. She walks over to him, placing her hands gently on his chest, looking up at him with innocent eyes.

“Are you afraid that I prefer him to you?

-Rather yes.

-He will be less grumpy than you, that's for sure. But hey, there are some things he won't be able to do."

She gently pushes on his chest to make him sit in the chair behind him. She slowly steps over him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she sits on his lap.

“He couldn’t hold me tight. Tell me incredible stories. And, you know…”

He smirks. He strokes her face and thinks about the idea a bit. He sighs, shaking his head.

"Ok, we'll talk about that again in the spring, there are often litters at that time."

She smiles. It's not a straightforward yes, but she knows that once again she's won. Fortunately she has simple desires, otherwise she would drive him crazy and become capricious. She kisses him softly, as if thanking him in advance for this gift he is giving her.

\----------------

Headphones tucked into her ears, Chloe dances in the kitchen as she tidies the dishes. She doesn’t immediately notice his presence, leaning on the doorframe. She stops short, meeting his gaze, a slightly embarrassed smile on her lips at being so exposed. She frowns imperceptibly at the worried look on her companion. She walks up to him, dancing ridiculously, trying to get a smile out of him. He gets there, a little, but his eyes keep the same reflection.

She holds out her hand to convince him to dance with her, but he refuses. He gently squeezes her fingers, before gesturing to her he’s going to bed. She takes off her headphones, now a bit worried now about her husband's behavior.

"Are you sick?

-No... just old"

He turns away from her and heads for the stairs. She watches him go up, heavy footsteps, hunched back, wondering what is happening to him. She bites her lip but forces herself to stay in the kitchen to finish what she has to do. She wants to give him some room to breathe. She hopes that this way, when she goes to see him later, he can confide.

When she arrives in the bedroom, thirty minutes later, he has his back to the opposite wall. As if nothing had happened, she goes through her evening routine. As she sits down in her place, he looks up at her, watching the dance of her fingers rubbing against each other to push in the cream that gives her that soft skin. She turns off the light and comes to lie down in front of him. She strokes his hair, letting a comfortable silence settle, conducive to confidences.

“What is it?”

He doesn't answer right away, sighing. He's still not good at expressing his feelings. They get mixed up in his head without him really being able to give them a meaning, an order, which might make sense to the person he's talking to. He closes his eyes and decides to let the words out without thinking.

“I'm getting old and I'm afraid. It didn't matter before. But now it feels like every day that passes widens the gap between you and me. My hair is turning white, my body slows down as you seem to be getting younger every day.

-You're saying nonsense.

-No, I'm just looking the reality right in the face. I'm afraid of becoming a burden to you. You deserve someone young and dynamic, not an old man who can barely climb the stairs.

-Joel, I saw you lift a wooden beam all by yourself not two days ago. Most people my age here couldn't do it.

-But soon the day will come when I won't be able to. I don't want you to become my nurse.”

She says nothing, taking his face in her hands and gently kissing the corners of his eyelids, where the furrows have been dug for many years now. She loves those traces that get accentuated when he smiles, seeing her. She gazes back into his, the firm tone she's gained from working with Maria sticking out.

“What about you let me decide? You took care of me all this time, I will take care of you as long as you need me. But we are still far from it. It's not a few white hairs that suddenly make you old and crippled.”

He doesn’t answer. She can see that something continues to bother him. She slides her hand into his, gently stroking his palm with her thumb, pushing him open to her. He closes his eyes and clenches his jaw, before asking in a low voice.

“What if I can satisfy you anymore?”

She opens her mouth, surprised. She can't help but huff and smile, even though she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

“Is that what it’s about?! Last night? Oh my god Joel! You’re not the first man to whom it happens, chill. You had a tough day and we drank too much at the bar. It’s not because you’re old. Come on, you wake up with a hard-on every other day like a teenager.

-Soon I won’t.

-You? Are you kidding? At 90 you'll be still exhausting us, bossing everyone around before coming back to me for more action. So pray for me in my 70 having to endure your energy. I’ll be too old for that shit Joel.”

A small laugh escapes his throat, but he can’t help but look sadly, biting his lip. He knows very well that is not what will happen. She resumes in a soft voice.

“I should be the one worried. You took a young and fresh woman, I soon won't be that anymore. I'm catching you, look at all these wrinkles that appeared. I'm running toward you cowboy.

-That's no wrinkles. You still have a baby face.”

He strokes her cheek before coming forward to kiss her. It's a tender kiss, without expectation or desire. Just a gentle touch, lips to lips. He pulls back a little to contemplate his wife.

What has he done to deserve this? The way her waist fit snugly in his hand. The way her pretty mouth pronounced his name. The way her eyes are made shining by her smile. Her soft skin against his, often rough. The sensuality of her gestures, even when she doesn't do it on purpose. Especially when she doesn't do it on purpose. The mischievous Chloe, the tender Chloe, the passionate Chloe. She always knew which one he needed.

She in turn strokes his face to get him out of his thoughts, a soft expression on her face. He comes closer again, this time pressing his whole body to hers before kissing her.

Slowly, the exchange gets a little more heated. He leans her onto her back without separating from her mouth. His hands slide under her shirt as she sighs against his lips. He leaves them on her ribs for the moment, squeezing them, like clinging to a float. As he slowly begins to kiss her neck, she feels his semi hard-on growing through his sweatpants. She smiles and whispers in his ear.

“Take off your pants cowboy”

He pulls back and his whole face shows a disillusioned “Really”. She shrugs, laughing softly. She always wanted to say that. A tender smile crosses his lips as he plays with the elastic of her pajamas.

“I’d rather take this one off.

-What are you waiting for?”

He returns to her lips before sliding the fabric down her legs. Another part of her that he adores, despite the flaws and the scars inflicted by her tormentors. As he sheds his own clothes, she takes off her t-shirt. He leans in again to come and kiss the soft skin between her breasts as her arms rest on his back. Slowly, he traces a path of kisses down her stomach, only stopping to gently grasp the still hidden button of her intimacy between his lips. She lets her head fall on the pillow, her own hands reaching for her breasts as his fingers play on the skin on the inside of her thighs.

He continues to play his tongue for a few moments, but he misses her mouth. He climbs back onto her body, gently spreading her legs to slip between them. Their warm skins come together, feeding on each other, as if thirsty for tenderness.

He's not totally hard when he slips in her without preparation. His gestures are not rushed or impatient. He just wants to burrow into her, feel her warmth engulf him, swallow him. She is the ocean, he is the sailor drifting alone with his boat.

They stay for long moments like this, him motionless in her, his arms around her tightly. She doesn't rush him, enjoying this moment of wholeness, adjusting to his presence, her breathing a little stronger as she feels him growing inside her.

Slowly, he begins to move, coming out almost entirely with each movement of the hips, to better regain her warmth with the next gesture. It's not about orgasm, or even pleasure. No animal drive to ferociously appease. Just a closeness, an intimacy to be gained. Become one and let themselves be overcome by a feeling of security.

One of his hands holds her forehead, caressing a few strands as he picks up the pace, his movements still intense and precise. She lifts her legs a little higher, wrapping them around the small of his back to allow him to come even deeper. As if to keep him there indefinitely. She doesn't know how long this has been going on. It could be a few minutes or a few hours. Both are savoring the harmony of their bodies that match perfectly, tonight perhaps even more than usual. If the expression making love had to be coined, it would have been then.

Their fingers intertwine, their sighs often stifled by tender kisses. His free hand is moving between them. His thumb comes to pressure her clit, gently, like everything else in their exchange. Her body arches a little more against his without her really controlling it. When he feels her coming under him, he lets go to experience his own orgasm along with her. In symbiosis.

The minutes pass, and only their still panting breaths are heard. He lies on top of her, his face resting on her breasts as she strokes his now long hair. He grabs her other hand and plays softly with the wedding ring Molly had finally found. He gently kisses his wife's slender fingers before whispering.

“I love you Mrs. Miller.”


	50. March, 1rst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: use of an awful word (that I didn’t even know before the game, wish it stayed like this). Angst, I guess?

Looking at herself in the mirror, she slides her hands over the sides of the skirt. She is so happy to find back this dress that she loves so much. Joel leans on the door, looking at her.

"Aren’t you a little overdressed? It's just the winter dance. Beer, country music… Nothing fancy.

-I told you, I’m gonna wear this dress for all events until I die. It’s way too beautiful to be worn only on costume parties.

-You’re going to freeze.

-I’ll wear my coat. And it always get hot with everyone dancing.

-And the shoes?

-What about them?

-You remember the layers of snow outside?

-You’ll be there to give me your arm. And then see how cute they are. I never get to wear them.

-You gonna suffer.

-You must suffer to be pretty."

She looks him up and down. Clearly, he doesn’t share her opinion. He put on an everyday outfit. Luckily he's a manic, she tells herself, otherwise he probably would have kept the outfit he'd been wearing all day. But that doesn't really bother her. She loves his classic style. A pair of jeans, a blue shirt that he covers with the jacket she loves to see him wearing. She’s the one who gave it to him, after finding it by chance, hidden under a pile of clothes at the trading shop. She walks over and adjusts his collar, a tender and almost routine gesture. He watches her do it, asking her softly.

“Will you dance with me even if I don't have a nice suit?

-Hmmm. Maybe… But only because you’re cute.”

He rolls his eyes. He's long past the age of being called cute. He sits on the bed to watch her finish getting ready. She didn’t put on curlers like she did in the fall, nor any makeup. She doesn't need it to stand out, he tells himself. She ties her hair up into a tight ponytail. She's on duty tonight, she doesn't want to receive complaints because hair has got stuck in the glasses.

After a final check in the mirror, she comes to him, announcing that she is ready. He smiles and stands up. Approaching her, he gently grasps the locket that she hung around her. It’s the one he brought back from his scavenging trip, while they were still separated. She couldn't get a photo of them small enough to put on it. So she asked Cat to draw a date on a piece of paper. The day they met in the forest. The day her destiny changed. She loved the young artist's work so much that she decided to have it tattooed on the inside of her left wrist. Just above the usual location of her watch. Like talismans protecting her.

They come out the back of the house, going through the greenhouses being the shortest route to church. They're barely on the porch when she stops. He looks at her, a smirk on his lips.

“Still sure you ain’t gonna freeze?”

She bites the inside of her cheek, her pride screaming at her to ignore him. But a gust of wind silences this side of her immediately.

“Maybe I should go get a sweater after all.

-I'm going, it would take you ten years with these heels.

-The black in the living room will do. Joel, wait.”

He stops, his hand on the doorknob, looking questioning.

“Maybe take my boots too.”

He chuckles softly and shakes his head before disappearing inside. She looks again at the snow that still covers the streets. Suffering from heels is one thing, having wet feet all night is another. Too bad for fashion, at least she wouldn't be sick.

\----

The hundreds of light bulbs flicker above their heads, giving a cozy atmosphere to the imposing building. She has always been impressed by the high ceilings of this church. She doesn't remember that her childhood’s was so high. She doesn't really remember much. She recalls sitting on benches in a nice outfit. But her religious education has long since disappeared. After the outbreak, it wasn't really her parents' priority anymore.

This evening, the furniture has been moved and a bar installed, making disappear for a few hours the holy role of this place. The laughter and the discussions are barely drowned out by the sound of music and the footsteps of the dancers on the wooden floor. The atmosphere is good. Chloe loves this kind of moments that brings the community together. Everyone seems happier, more open. Leaving their problems and bad memories aside. One night, and everyone can forget what's outside the city’s walls.

After having a first drink and chatting with other members of the community, Joel takes his wife's hand to train her among the other dancers. A slow song has just started, and he doesn't want to waste an opportunity to hold her against him. With this kind of dance, he’s sure not to make a fool of himself with bad dance moves. He just has to hug her and move around a bit. As usual, he whispers to her how pretty she is, making her eyes squint in pleasure. She never gets tired of hearing him say that to her. Not so much because of the words, but the way he does it. Quietly, against her ear, as if it were a secret they were the only guardians of.

He sighs as the musicians have just started a new, faster-paced song. He continues to make her dance a bit, spinning her around quickly, causing her to burst into mirthful laughter. As she comes back against him, she suggests that they return to the counter. Thank god, he says to her mischievously, dragging her off the dancefloor.

She walks behind the bar to join Derek, still loyal to the post. Nothing could stop him from fulfilling this role he loves above all, allowing him to chat and laugh with everyone. Joel settles down on a stool and enters into the discussion they’re having with other members of the community about the weather. It is the first day of March, and yet it still feels like the middle of winter. To believe that once again, Mother Nature has forgotten that spring is at her doorstep.

Every now and then, Chloe looks up at her companion. As they often do, his eyes cannot stray from Ellie for long, a sad gleam in them. She bites her lip. She knows he misses her. She follows his gaze to the middle of the room, where the young girl is dancing with Dina. She smiles, happy. For her, it's clear that Ellie feels a bit more of the friendship for the other girl.

She frowns slightly when she sees Dina put her hand on Ellie's face. Then kiss her. Apparently, the feeling is mutual. She can't help but smile, even more so when she sees the expression on Joel's face. When he turns to her, his mouth open, looking taken aback, she can't help but giggle. He closes his mouth and questions her, puzzled.

“Did you know?

-Oh, Joel… How blind you are.

-Why didn’t you tell me?!

-Wasn’t my story to tell.”

She leans over the counter, gently grabbing his chin between her hands to place a kiss on his lips. He lets himself do, still stunned by this new information. Suddenly, loud voices make them raise their heads.

“Oh, just what this town needs. Another loud-mouth dyke.”

Chloe's blood freezes at these words. She’s about to walk around the bar to intervene, but Derek halts her. Across the counter, there is no one to stop her husband. With a quick step, he approaches Seth and pushes him hard. The music stops, all eyes are on them now. Tommy and Maria take care of getting the disruptor out, while Joel inquires about Ellie. As usual, she beats him cold. But her last sentence is way harsher and nastier than anything she has said or done before.

“I don’t need your fucking help, Joel.”

Of all the things she could have said to hurt him, this is by far the worst. He’s not a man of words. He doesn’t know how to say how he feels. Helping her is his way to show he cares. And she pushes him away. He mutters a brief _right_ , before walking away, his back arched, looking downcast, avoiding stares as he hurries to leave the premises.

Chloe quickly undoes her apron, her fingers frantically untangling the knots holding the fabric together. As she throws it on the counter, she meets Ellie's gaze. She still doesn't know what makes her so angry. But she sees nothing that could justify such hatred. She shakes her head, looking disappointed, before rushing after her man.

Despite his long strides, it doesn’t take her long to catch up with him. She doesn’t say anything, just wrapping her arm around his waist as she walks close to him. She just wants to show him that she is there, that she supports him, no matter how down he feels. He doesn't talk either, putting his arm on her shoulder to bring her a little closer to him.

It’s only at home that he opens his mouth, declaring that he’s going to play some guitar on the porch. His refuge, one of the few comforts he finds in this world to assuage his grief. She nods and kisses him softly. Going to the kitchen to take care of her hands and mind, she decides to make him a coffee. He won't sleep anyway, he might as well get some comfort. And at least that package didn't cost her anything.

\------

_A few hours before the party, Chloe had finally managed to finish all of her chores to come home and get ready. As she goes to pour herself a glass of water in the kitchen, she sees a packet of coffee on the counter. She straightens out immediately. It's a scarce commodity, and she knows her husband can do anything to get it. As he walks into the room humming, she turns to question him._

_“Where did you get that coffee?_

_-The group that passed this other day. They were tough on business, but it was worth it._

_-What did you tread this time? I swear to god Joel, if you trade once again my good kitchen knives for a few grams of coffee, I'll kill you. Do you know how long it took Molly to find me after the last time?_

_-I didn’t, I promise.”_

_He remembers the last time very well. She had gotten really mad, he had never seen her in such anger. It had taken a lot of diplomatic work not to sleep on the couch that night. She had been angry for a long time, denying him any physical contact for almost three days. An eternity for him who had become dependent on her caresses and kisses._

_“What did you give them this time?_

_-Only my stuff, I promise._

_-You’re not telling me?_

_-Nah. You have to accept that from time to time I have my privacy._

_-I do. I’m just frightened by what you might have gave, but I won’t ask anymore. Come on, it’s time to get ready for the dance.”_

\-----

The porch door creaks as she steps out to put the steaming cup of coffee next to him. Without a word, she kisses his forehead before heading back inside. She knows he needs to be alone. However, she doesn't want to go up right away, preferring to stay at a close distance in case he needs her.

As she folds the now dry laundry, she hears someone come onto the porch. Ellie. She knows she should leave the room, out of respect, not to overhear their conversation. But she can't help but stay. Silently, she sits against the wall, waiting to hear what will happen.

Their conversation begins with an awkward chit chat about coffee before Joel dares to talk about Dina. She smiles when she hears him be supportive. But her smile fades as she hears Ellie speak harshly about death and hospital. Is that about Salt Lake City? She still doesn't understand, but her tears fall upon hearing her husband’s broken voice, as Ellie finally takes a step towards him.

She doesn't know how to act. Their usual way of doing would be for her to get up and resume normal activity, as if she knew nothing about it. But she has many pieces of the puzzle now. She can no longer be silent.

After checking that the young girl has returned home, she gently opens the door to slip into her man's back. He doesn’t move, his shoulders twitching slightly. She hugs him from behind. He’s not alone. She's there.

He eventually turns around and hugs her, resting his chin on her head as she puts her face against his chest. They stay like that for a while, enjoying each other's warmth. A warmth that soothes all ailments, wipes out all tears.

She never saw him cry before. Even when he was talking about Sarah or his other painful memories. He buries his head in her neck, holding her even tighter against him. She slowly pulls away and puts her arm around his waist to guide him to the door.

"It's ok my love, I got you".

As they go to find refuge inside, they forget the guitar in the cold of the night.

\-----------

They went to bed without a word. Facing each other, she watches his face. She see tiredness, but of the good kind. The one that comes after emptying yourself of all your emotions. After purging yourself, when you know things are going to get better and you get numbness.

She bites the inside of her cheek. She knows she shouldn't. She has to hold back. And yet, she can't do it anymore. She must know, she must ask, at least, even if he again gives her a negative answer to her questions.

“Why did she want to die in that hospital? What sense it would have given to her life?”

She feels him tighten up. His eyes filled with a glimmer of concern. He was always firm, he didn't want to talk to her about it. She'd never really insisted on the few times he'd refused to talk about it. He wants to tell her, to relieve himself once and for all. But he’s afraid.

“I can’t lose you.

-You won’t lose me. Whatever you’ve done. Come on Joel, you’ve told me ton of stories about your past, about the people you killed. And I stayed. I never got horrified.

-This one is different.

-Why?

-Because it concerns you. You and everyone else still alive.

-What are you talking about? Come on, I already know too much. Look at me. I love you. You ain’t losing me. Ever.”

He doesn’t answer immediately. She doesn't say anything more, but still doesn't give up. She stays looking at him, giving him time to speak. He sighs, his breathing betraying his emotion. Maybe it's tonight's events that make him flex, but he can't hold it anymore.

“She… She’s immune.

-What do you mean immune?

-She got bitten and never turned.

-Is that possible?!”

Slowly, he tells her everything he knows, their journeys from Boston to Salt Lake City, and his actions to save her. When he finishes his story, she turns onto her back, her eyes fixed on the ceiling. He doesn't dare look at her. He's already cursing himself. The emotions of the evening wear him off and he let his guard down. He never should have told her. Now she was going to hate him too, and he would be more alone than ever. Sure, Ellie said she wanted to try. But there’s a difference between wanting and doing.

“The scar she had on her arm, before she got the tattoo. Was it?

-The bite, yes. Shortly after arriving here, we made it disappear with chemical products. It was risky, but always less than risking someone to find out. "

Silence falls again. She is still staring at the ceiling, trying to store all this information. He finds the courage to look at her, his anxious face waiting for her reaction. Will she scream, or leave without a word? Maybe she'll take it well. After all, Tommy had accepted the idea almost immediately. But Tommy was his brother. They both had it through so much. After long minutes, she finally speaks.

"Why haven't you told me?

-That I deprived the earth of the solution to the apocalypse? Not something easy to say.

-Slow your role ‘pal. You know the book you have downstairs, about dinos and humankind? If she’s immune, others must be too. Or will be, some day soon. It means that evolution is underway. If I understood anything about the old world, it is that you tended to think of yourself as gods. Controlling everything to do stupid things, for numbers in a bank account. Ok, maybe he could have done a vaccine or a treatment. But he could have failed too. He would have killed a kid for that? And then, what would it have changed? If a clicker tears your head off, a fat lot of good that does to you to be vaccinated. And then what, we rebuild the world like before? I haven’t been confronted to infected, but to the men yes. I know what we can all do. We're all potential monsters. Maybe those monsters are just a way nature has found to keep us from destroying ourselves totally.”

Joel remains dumbfounded, trying to follow her reasoning that goes all over the place. He only understands one thing. With difficulty, he articulates.

“You’re not mad a me?

-Off course not, you’ve done what you had to do. Maybe if I had lost people to infected, or be more exposed to them I’d react differently. But I haven’t. I’ve no reason to be mad at you.”

She turns to him, gently stroking his cheek. A few silent tears flowed there. She whispers in a soft, reassuring voice.

“I wish you told me about it. That you didn’t have to carry all this weight alone. But that's ok now. I'm here to help you. Even though I don't think you need it anymore. Ellie seems to really want to patch things up. You can relax.

-I don’t deserve you.

-That’s obvious baby. But we’ve always knew that.”

He lets out a chuckle, his voice still hoarse from the tears that have stuck in his throat. He grabs her to bring her closer to him. He hugs her tightly. Head trapped against his chest, it’s a little hard for her to breathe, but she lets him do. He needs this.

\-----

She wakes up with a start, disoriented. They didn't get much sleep. After these revelations, they talked for a while, about everything and nothing. They kissed too, without it going any further. They didn't need it, not tonight. She identifies the cause of her awakening. Downstairs, blows are struck on the door. Her whole body is on alert, this kind of sound dangerously reminding her of the past. Joel gently puts his hand on her shoulder to make her lie down.

“It’s alright, you’re home. Lay down, it must be Tommy.”

She leans back and puts her hand on top of her chest, sliding it down gently as she breathes deeply, a technique someone in town had taught her. It doesn’t take long for her to doze off again, vaguely hearing Joel's voice downstairs. If he's not worried, neither is she.

She sits up again as he walks into the bedroom, going over the closet to grab some clothes. She rubs her eyes, her brain still clouded with sleep.

“What time is it?

-Almost five. They’ve been reports of infected up north, Maria is worried and wants us to check that out.

-Why are you always the ones they send?

-You know why.

-Yeah, you're the best. Couldn't you have been the best at gardening, no?”

He chuckles at the remark as he puts on his jeans. He moves closer and kisses her tenderly. On her lips there is a smirk.

“Hopefully you're the best at other stuff.

-Oh yeah?

-You know you are.

-Maybe we could check that out when I come back.

-Why put things off until later?

-Because Tommy is waiting for me downstairs. But I promise you that when I get back, I'll give you all the time you need. It's been a while since we've had a whole day just the two of us. We could have good food, watch movies... Or you know, not leave the bed.

-It’s a date then.”

He kisses her again, for a long time this time, like every time he says goodbye to her. One last caress on her sleepy face and he leaves the room. She smiles before lying back down, wrapping herself in the sheets soaked in his scent.

Happy, still.


End file.
